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My english isn't good, i hope you guys can understand. 

Ive been feeling sad for no specific reason for about 3 years, i also don't have any interest in anything in life, things seem so boring. I feel like im my parents disappointment because i'm not as academically good as my older brother, whom is everyone's favorite, and im just a insignificant kid who lives in that house. A shut-in with social anxiety like me bullied by my cousins starts all my sadness. Fear is what i mostly have when i was 7 to 12, my dad taught me lessons with sticks and belts or whatever in his reach but i was so afraid i didnt really make out what he said to me because i was screaming in my head. Nowadays they put on their disappointed face whenever they see me pretty much. I have suicidal thoughts nearly everyday now but im such a coward. Why am i so useless and stupid, i almost wish i got abused so i can just put all my rage and sadness into a knife and end my life. I know that there are a lot of people out there who has worse situations than i do, perhaps im too selfish and craving for attention like a little kid? I apologize if so. 

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He didn't beat me out of hatred, he wasn't drunk either so i thought it was normal. My parents don't believe in depression so they would just tell me to get over it if i tell them. I frequent the forum's chat so it's not so bad

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