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I'm sorry for this to be my first post. I just need cry out somewhere!


rain of tears

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Hello everyone.
I'm no native english speaker, but I love to speak and especially write in english. So I ended up writing my actual thoughts in english while listeng to some f*cked up music and drinking...

I'm sorry to let this be my first post here and I hope to not let it be too much of a negative start here... If it sounds that way for you, please don't judge me. You can tell me and I can tell you I'm sorry for it. I just wrote these sentences in some sort of depressive f*cked up state of mind. I'm in such a mood right now, I wrote those lines just a few minutes ago, so... I'm drinking, hearing GG Allin and it's in the middle of the night for me over here. I come from germany. ;)

So here are the lines I wrote that I need to put somewhere to be read. I'm sorry for it. Really, I am. Sorry. I love you all, yea. I think... Sorry...

It doesn't go to anyone here nor anyone specific elsewhere really. It just came from my mind like that and I'm sorry. Please don't judge me. I hate it.

 

"And believe me; I would love, if I were allowed to love.  But I'm not allowed to love. So I turned my love into hate, simply to surive.  It's really that simple. If I could love, I would. I truly would like to be able to love. But it is forbidden for me, so I just ****ing hate every ****ing human being on earth that keeps driving me into hatred, pushing me more and more down into this ****ing bottomless abyss.

Yea, I would ****ing love to love, but YOU and YOU and YOU ****ing piece of are ****ing judging my ****ing love. My love is true and honest, I keep hating you for judging me! I will never stop destroying your lifes! Because I hate you. I learned to hate you all. You taught it to me day by ****ing endless day! Damn! Should I hate myself for the love inside of me like you would like to see?! NO! I ****ing appreciate myself and my love, but you just keep destroying me. And you don't even know it when you talk to me. I ****ing talk to you and I am nice to you because I have this love inside of me that you hate, but I hate you all for that (except for the ones that are like me) so **** you all!

If everyone is against me, I turned out to make myself comfortable with the thought being against everyone for myself. You can't put me down, I will **** you ****ing scum all around, because you taught me to hate your entire ****ing species! No love anymore, wasn't that what you wanted from me? Wasn't it? **** you all!

Wasn't it like that? You just looked, but never helped me when I was just a ****ing young teen. You looked and laughed at me while I got my psychic abuse. I lived through this , never got helped by anyone, always going through this alone. Yea, you ****. No one ever helped my young Alter Ego there. NO ****ING ONE! There were enough ****ing adults and ****heads looking all around in all these ****ing years! So don't come to me and tell me something else. **** You! I hate you! I learned it from you, you know.

And no, my love was always there like that, even in my youth. That's why I deserved it, right? Haha, of course not. You are the one that deserve only death. YOU! ****ing ! And I will always hate you!"

 

 

Sorry...

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I hope you haven't decided to leave the forum permanently because of the unfortunate lack of a swift response. Whether or not you'll see this is dubious, but I consider your sincerity admirable, especially since many people who were mistreated as children revert to a state of juvenile victimhood as a defense mechanism, which renders them incapable of purging their justifiable rage. Your ability to confront those who tormented you as a child, presumably adult authority figures, is extremely impressive. Secondly, you don't need to apologize for this post. Expressing concealed and dark musings is the purpose of this website.

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this site is for you, me and all other people from around the world to express their mental health problem, all members (not the troll ones) will have sympathy towards you and will not judge you as long as you don't advocate things like suicide, *******,....etc. So please don't hate us like you do to the people you are talking about because no one is here to hate or judge you, you can freely cry as much as you want if it makes you feel better :)

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