Losing A Friend.

[SonOfTom]

Hi all I am new to this site, I felt i had to start an account the second i found it because my depression really is too great...

I will start off by asking does anybody know what its like to lose a friend? I certainly do, and just to clear things up a little I am not talking through death. Just a friend you once had that doesn't want to know you anymore. That is the case with me a friend i once had and had such a great friendship with just simply doesn't want to know me anymore. I was as nice as could be with this friend and we had such great times together for 7/8 years straight he was like a brother to me but over the past year has been deliberately avoiding me and just doesn't want to know anymore.

He went to a new "college" type place made some new friends there and now doesn't have any time for me anymore... Not even on hes summer break when i contacted him and asked if he wanted to hang out he made up some dumb excuses all 3 times so i have just giving up now i understand he doesn't want to know... It is hard to let go of such a great friendship but he just doesn't want to know anymore. Maybe its hard for me to let go because i never really had a lot of friends all through life.

Does anyone else know what this is like?

[ICanSpellThornwell]

SonofTom, I know exactly what you're going through. Losing a friend is like having a piece of your heart ripped out, even more so, when it's been built up over time. You are losing a friend to what seems like other gains for him/her when the whole time you feel like the floor has just fallen out from underneath you. I spent so much time pouring into Sarah, spending so much time with her, learning her personality and character, trying to dissuade her from self harm and though we shared an unspeakable bond, she refused to ever let anyone close. Of course she's not the only one but when it comes to friendship and being close she's the one that continually comes to mind. I'm so sorry you're going through this loss and would love to see your story evolve and grow as you find beauty and joy in the fact that you're worth it no matter who comes or goes. 

[Epictetus]

This has happened to me more than once.  It is heartbreaking, tragic, frustrating, depressing, troubling, confusing, painful, agonizing, draining, lonely.  So sorry this has happened to you SonofTom ! ! ! You are in my thoughts and prayers !

[JasonDark]

Losing a friend is like a death. It's ok to grieve it. But people change. College can change people in many ways. Friendships can/do end. Let it go. As hard as it is, time  to seek out new friends.

[violet 58]

Yes, I too just lost the love of my sister.  I just wanted to be her best friend.  It is heartbreaking and makes you feel sick.   I am so sorry. seems like we have a problem in common.  I understand and you understand what we both are going through. 

[Pointlessname99]

Growing up I had 5 different best friends up until high school, we would do everything together, but eventually they all leave me. Once I lost one friend I would try and make a new best friends, and I went through 5 of them until one stuck, kinda. He and I rarely hang out like we used to because he moved 3000 miles away, got married, and has a kid. My whooe middle school social experience was me loathing because my friends always leave me, I blamed myself. No matter how hard I try I still can't help but blame myself, like I pushed them away, some way somehow.

So in short, yes, I know how it feels, and it hurts...

[SonOfTom]

On 10/3/2016 at 2:10 PM, Pointlessname99 said:

Growing up I had 5 different best friends up until high school, we would do everything together, but eventually they all leave me. Once I lost one friend I would try and make a new best friends, and I went through 5 of them until one stuck, kinda. He and I rarely hang out like we used to because he moved 3000 miles away, got married, and has a kid. My whooe middle school social experience was me loathing because my friends always leave me, I blamed myself. No matter how hard I try I still can't help but blame myself, like I pushed them away, some way somehow.

So in short, yes, I know how it feels, and it hurts...

I understand how you feel completely. In a strange way I feel sorry for your's and all the other commenters situations but im glad im not alone. At least this site gives us others we can talk to.

[Waterfalls]

Yes, a couple of times. my best mate, grew up like brothers - just gradually faded away in a similar way. Hurt alot. Just recently, a text from someone else - it was big - basically said our friendship 'did not serve her' and that she was terminating it. Was a shock to hear it that bluntly. Feel numb about it, but at least I was told up straight.....

[SonOfTom]

On 10/14/2016 at 6:25 PM, Waterfalls said:

Yes, a couple of times. my best mate, grew up like brothers - just gradually faded away in a similar way. Hurt alot. Just recently, a text from someone else - it was big - basically said our friendship 'did not serve her' and that she was terminating it. Was a shock to hear it that bluntly. Feel numb about it, but at least I was told up straight.....

That has also happened to me, sometimes I think it is better when people are just out straight and blunt about it because you know where you stand with them. But then it can be worse depending on your humor because you may want to hold on to a little hope that the friendship isn't dead, and maybe they are just going through some stuff. Really depends on what mood you're in when you think about it I guess.

[Sarkon]

 Guess I'll add my two cents since I basically was the initiator of the separation. I knew this guy since third grade, we were basically brothers growing up. Through the years, he started engaging in more illicit behaviors and I ultimately decided that wasn't going to do me any good. Increasingly flaky and under the effects of a wide array of substances. So I cut him off completely. I can't speak for your friend and his mentality, but it's something I still regret to this day. I'm not entirely heartless. The high road would've involved trying to lead him out from the hole he dug himself into to.. yet I chose the easy way out. Was it the right decision in the end? I don't know. It's rough to accept the hand we're dealt, but that's all you can really do. There's a whole world of people who'll accept you without condition.. just have to find them.

[long journey]

I don't drop people like hot potatoes cuz that's kinda harsh but I do start taking steps away, so that contact isn't as often. But I have been dumped by a couple friends in my life, and it is painful and confusing (what did I do wrong?) The thing is... I am often drawn to intense, creative, insecure, wild people. I find them interesting. But it makes the friendship riskier. Also, these types of people tend to be self-absorbed. As I get older, I'm seeing the beauty of more balanced people. I am spending more time with those who are more whole, less needy. Less exciting maybe, but more satisfying.

[SonOfTom]

On 11/14/2016 at 0:47 AM, long journey said:

I don't drop people like hot potatoes cuz that's kinda harsh but I do start taking steps away, so that contact isn't as often. But I have been dumped by a couple friends in my life, and it is painful and confusing (what did I do wrong?) The thing is... I am often drawn to intense, creative, insecure, wild people. I find them interesting. But it makes the friendship riskier. Also, these types of people tend to be self-absorbed. As I get older, I'm seeing the beauty of more balanced people. I am spending more time with those who are more whole, less needy. Less exciting maybe, but more satisfying.

Glad some people don't

[long journey]

Sorry if I sounded a little harsh! 

[Natasha1]

yes i understand. with me its my fault though. 

i guess its tge same as grief. i havent grieved my dad from 3 years ago so not sure how i will manage with grief of friend loss since my dad would be a priority.

[SonOfTom]

On 12/6/2016 at 6:57 PM, Natasha1 said:

yes i understand. with me its my fault though. 

i guess its tge same as grief. i havent grieved my dad from 3 years ago so not sure how i will manage with grief of friend loss since my dad would be a priority.

Sorry to hear that, thanks for the feedback

[Luis]

I do not know what it's like, but I did know a person that told me she had friends, in the past, that deliberately and viciously cut her out of their lives, and for no obvious (to her) reason. She told me all about how much it hurt, how confused she was, and how much she wondered whether there was something fundamentally and inherently wrong with her, that repelled people from her. If there was, I told her, I didn't know what it was. She seemed as sweet and lovable as could be. Sometimes things just don't make sense.

[k_sss]

On 11/13/2016 at 6:27 PM, Sarkon said:

 Guess I'll add my two cents since I basically was the initiator of the separation. I knew this guy since third grade, we were basically brothers growing up. Through the years, he started engaging in more illicit behaviors and I ultimately decided that wasn't going to do me any good. Increasingly flaky and under the effects of a wide array of substances. So I cut him off completely. I can't speak for your friend and his mentality, but it's something I still regret to this day. I'm not entirely heartless. The high road would've involved trying to lead him out from the hole he dug himself into to.. yet I chose the easy way out. Was it the right decision in the end? I don't know. It's rough to accept the hand we're dealt, but that's all you can really do. There's a whole world of people who'll accept you without condition.. just have to find them.

Maybe it was the easy way out, but it doesn't mean it was an entirely wrong thing to do...I'm realizing that boundaries are important. For me, it's hard to let go of people and I'm usually the one who sticks around hoping to help someone "wake up" and fix their harmful behavoirs. Buts it's gotten me into so much trouble and stressful situations---and ultimately I end up influenced in some way by these bad behaviors. I just want people to take care of themselves, but if I can't help them I distance or remove myself, even though it makes me sad and miss them a lot. 

[SonOfTom]

On 12/8/2016 at 11:25 AM, Luis said:

I do not know what it's like, but I did know a person that told me she had friends, in the past, that deliberately and viciously cut her out of their lives, and for no obvious (to her) reason. She told me all about how much it hurt, how confused she was, and how much she wondered whether there was something fundamentally and inherently wrong with her, that repelled people from her. If there was, I told her, I didn't know what it was. She seemed as sweet and lovable as could be. Sometimes things just don't make sense.

No they certainly dont, thanks for the reply

[bohemian_artist]

SonOfTom,

You asked: 'Does anyone else know what this is like?'

True connection with other humans is something I crave; but it's elusive, fragile, and rare.  I too have experienced the loss of friend relationships; a few times in fact, but for mostly various reasons in each case.  For me it is a type of mourning - and certainly when I experience it, it hurts profoundly and feels like grieving a death (of a relationship).

The experience of this type that hurt me most is when the closest friend I've ever had made me feel like a burden and ultimately cut off our friendship.  Well what can I say except I did my best to specifically not be a burden; and mostly instead discussed common life / hobby interests.  I also am very loyal & love unconditionally, even if I don't like what someone is doing or saying at that moment.  Still, my efforts were not adequate.  I was ditched, knowing full well that I am in (mostly silent) pain and that I have no reliable close family or other friends.

However, when I step away from it: I realize that I'm an introspective, analytical, and complex person by nature.  I'm a good person, as people go.  But it's in some ways not easy being friends with me. So in time I forgave, reached acceptance, and live with the scars.  Interestingly enough, the person I mentioned did recently come back to apologize for the departure - but we've not been able thus far to rekindle actual friendship.  We'll see what the future holds; but I've had no choice but to live with the possibility that what we once had will never again exist.

I'm sorry you too have experienced this kind of loss, SonOfTom.