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Pointlessname99

Numb and sleepless

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So I have had insomnia issues for a long time.I play it off as just a person that stays up all night doing stuff and get the same generic replys from people. "Thats not good for you" and "You should sleep more" are the 2 most common. The thing is I am not being honest with them because I am usually lying awake in my bed, not playing video games or working on something. I never feel like I can check off the day as finished, when I lie down for bed I feel like i am forgeting something or that I am wasting the day by ending it. Or I am lying in my bed on the verge of crying because of many reasons that I have dealt with for a long time.

My reason for starting this topic is that I have recieved a lot of good advice from the forums/live chat that have put my mind at ease, at least for awhile, and am hoping I can get advice. When i lie awake in bed I either am upset or...well...I guess the best way to refer to the way i feel is numb. I feel like I am off, not "off" as in I feel different, but "off" as in not "On". I feel emotionless as if nothing could make me feel better or worse. Like my feelings broke and arent working. I have tried to force myself to feel something. Sometimes I want to feel sad, just to feel something. I have tryed thinking about horrible things (I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I get desperate). I have tried to think of happy things to make me feel good, but I feel nothing...like I broke myself. I am not sure how to fix this cause I think it is why i can't sleep, I am unable to get lost in my thoughts and drift off because nothing makes me feelgood or bad. 

I think this has taken effect on me in other ways too. I have been talking to other users in the chat and was telling them about another issue I have that I think is related to this. Sometimes I feel like I am a serial killer in waiting. Sometimes when I day dream I think about someone torturing me, but even though I should image like it hurts, but I don't ...so I guess that means I feel good? Also I always image I am both the person being tortured and the one torturing me. For example a reaccuring day dream I have is one where I get the skin ripped off my hand. I always feel like I am getting my skin ripped off AND like I am ripping my own skin off, but I always image 2 different people, but I feel like I am both of them. That sounds like the hought process of a serial killer, but I don't want to hurt people! I enjoy helping people (I think because it makes me feel better about myself for helping someone else, because if I can't help myself feel better at least I can help someone else feel better).

I think those kind if day dreams and my reaction to them is a result of my night time numbness (not restricted to night time just when it effects me most) and me trying to force some feelings out. Anyone have any advice for how to resolve this night time numbness or why I day dream like this? Like i said before, I have recieved a lot of good advice from this site that has put my mind at ease so hopefully you all can help me again. I just wish I could offer advice to others with thier issues on this site, but I don't have any advice for them because if I can't solve my own problems, how could I solve their's?

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when you describe ripping your skin off the first thing that comes to my mind is 'dissatisfaction with life'.

ive had anxiety spells where I wish I could rip my skin off too.. like a stretching a balloon, that anxiety or intensity that u get when u fear it popping.. is that what it feels like? .. I guess the question is .. what do u feel before and after u imagine that? 

are you experiencing other things besides insomnia? I know that's a big sign of depression. I used to watch this academic lecture by Robert Sapolsky a neuroendocronologist from Stanford about depression and in it he talks about how depression just destroys your sleep architecture. it's a good video to watch. he talks about it at 10:10 

 

i recommend it.

i didn't have numbness so much as I just couldn't sleep so I watched science documentaries .. neutral, boring but slightly entertaining, wouldn't contribute to anxiety or depression. since it's more about learning. 

maybe your thoughts veer that way bc your brain wants to evoke some feeling in another part of your brain? 

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4 hours ago, ejc said:

what do u feel before and after u imagine that? 

are you experiencing other things besides insomnia?

I am usually numb, bored, or disinterested before I start day dreaming which usually leads to that thought. However ripping my skin off isnt the only thing I day dream about, sometimes I am getting my arm broken and spun up into a ball or shoving nails through my arm, other times I am burning alive. All of which I imagine someone doing those things to me but I feel like I am both getting hurt and the one hurting me. Afterwards I am usually freaked out at the fact I was imagining that and was kinda relaxed, like I was drifting off in my thoughts about something terrible.

I have insomnia problems, I feel like my future is hopeless either because I don't see my life working out in anyway good or I feel like I ruined my life with past mistakes. I am a romantic guy that believes that everyone has a soul mate they are supposed to hunt for and I feel like I already missed my chance to meet her or I will screw it up at some point and end up alone...again.

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On September 2, 2016 at 4:16 AM, Pointlessname99 said:

I am usually numb, bored, or disinterested before I start day dreaming which usually leads to that thought. However ripping my skin off isnt the only thing I day dream about, sometimes I am getting my arm broken and spun up into a ball or shoving nails through my arm, other times I am burning alive. All of which I imagine someone doing those things to me but I feel like I am both getting hurt and the one hurting me. Afterwards I am usually freaked out at the fact I was imagining that and was kinda relaxed, like I was drifting off in my thoughts about something terrible.

I have insomnia problems, I feel like my future is hopeless either because I don't see my life working out in anyway good or I feel like I ruined my life with past mistakes. I am a romantic guy that believes that everyone has a soul mate they are supposed to hunt for and I feel like I already missed my chance to meet her or I will screw it up at some point and end up alone...again.

hmm i don't have much to add ther than I thin you're right, maybe you are trying to trigger some feeling in your period of numbness and so you think of the absurd . I think if he worse during the height of anxiety. 

i feel the same way about the souls mate thing. I too feel like I've missed it all and there's no worse feeling than loneliness in my opinion. everything you wanted that you see is just a reminder of what u don't have. though I wonder if there's a self esteem issue mixed in your feelings? I know it was certainly for me and that doesn't help when you have depression and anxiety to boot. :console:

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On 9/6/2016 at 11:29 PM, ejc said:

though I wonder if there's a self esteem issue mixed in your feelings? I know it was certainly for me and that doesn't help when you have depression and anxiety to boot. :console:

I dont think I have anxiety. I am not an anxious person, maybe because I am usually thinking about multiple things and just about what is happening. Although I don't know what "anxiety" means exactly so maybe I am wrong. I am a shy person so maybe I have social anxiety, I don't know thought, like I said I dont know what all that entails.

As for self esteem issues, I am not sure. Other people can not bother me with thier words, but there opinions do bother me. Sometimes because they have a poor opinion of something I like or they have a positive opinion of something I despise. However I do have a rather large issue with myself because I have hidden away who I really am from everyone around me because if growing up taught me anything is that once people get to know the real me, they will make any excuse to get away from me.

So a long time ago I "locked up" my real self and hide it in the back of my mind and proceeded to act like someone else, someone better, someone that can only mkae friends and not enemies. It worked, sort of. I have a huge amount of people that think/thought I was an ok guy and they considered me a "friend" but I had a small circle of real friends. Whom I slowly drove away by letting the real me leak out from time to time. Now I am clutching to the last friend I have left, and he got married, has a kid, and is 1000 miles away (a little more actually). My dad noticed my extra thought that I put into my interactions with others in an effort to be the kind of person they would like, now he thinks I have "social brilliance" (in his words) and that I am a confident collected guy and is super proud about it.

To bad its not true and he assumed wrong, but I am such a coward and am aftaid of lossing the positive opinion of the few people ledt in my life (my 3 family members) I can summon up the courage to tell him the truth. Hell I havent told anyone that I am actually a big wuss that keeps crying himself to sleep at night because he messed up his life because he faked who he was and slowly drove people away with the sucky person he is on the inside slipping out every now and again.

So I hate that I am faking who I am and hate who I really am. I guess you can call that self esteem issues.

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