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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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Glad it is Friday! Had hoped this week would be a break through week in terms of depression, sadly it wasn't. Still on meds that I do not think are helping, but not completely off them because of withdrawal side effects (effexor and Brintellix). Taking more lorazepam then i'd like to get through the day's anxiety, ( take .5 mg 2-3x's a day). Started taking a low dose of Remeron at night, and still take zolpidem most nights... At work and often when I am out, I feel more depressed than at home. My favorite spot is my bed... I am happiest when I am asleep.... as some recently wrote on one their blogs, the depression and anxiety doesn't seem to penetrate into my dreams... and sometimes for a few seconds when I wake I forget I am depressed. I have not had much relief from this depression for 4 solid months... and I fear I am becoming more reclusive. If I wasn't 20 years sober from alcohol, I would be drinking, but I know that would be the beginning of the end for me. So it is another weekend with nothing planned. At some point I will need to get out and get food for next week and gas the car and such.... Sorry to be such a downer... but this is the one place in my life I feel I can be completely honest and this is a blessing.  

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I feel drunk on clonazepam
cause I don't have access to alcohol
I wanna get drunk cause the guy I thought I had something with and can trust keeps letting me down and I just don't get him
he's hot then he's cold
he talks to me like he's in love but he barely asks about me and my life and talks about his
and I always try harder than him
and when I tell him he says "I understand"....thats it?!?!?!?!
and its an online thing so I know its complicated but how can I go visit him when he doesnt even want to give me his address
I let him know he can just say no but I get no decent answer, he just ignores it
does he only trust me to send d**k photos but not to share more of his life? and why can't he be honest and share what he's thinking
I keep being disappointed in people
I NEVER LEARN that I need to stop expecting anything from people! I'm a huge stupid *****
I feel like crying but I'm too proud to give him any more tears
Thanks for letting me vent my stupid crap

Edited by random alice
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VERY angry right now. i want to punch someone's teeth in.

trying to do something to calm myself down, but nothing works. i need this to pass faster

it started from me thinking about people who smoke. I have pure hatred for anyone who smokes, including even the ones that are family and friends. So much hatred that physically my heart rate goes up from thinking about it/smelling it(each time). If there wasn't an anti violence law and the "morality issues" , I'd probably have red fists and broken fingers each day from how many people i'd pummel into the ****in ground. Seeing them on the street right next to me in the bus stop lighting up a cigar and the ****IN smoke making it's way to me wherever i move myself out of the way. I can always feel my veins boiling with rage...this ****ing mass of retards, there will be a day when i'll just be so full of it that i won't be able to contain myself anymore. good luck to the one who will feel a full force knee to the ****in chest . i hope i stop their breath just like they stop mine with that ****in addiction

this is something else that i need to talk about with my therapist.

Edited by Throwaway
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I feel like I want to go into the wilderness away from people and just live but I know that there is no escape. They will come with their clipboards asking for permits and licenses and their handcuffs to take me to prison for living off the land. One thing about humans, we can never leave one another the **** alone. We are all products of the earth and we should all be able to live off the earth within reason. I shouldn't have to rely on grocery stores for food. What happens in an emergency or war? We are all being forced to rely on a system that does not care about us, its all about money. Life is about money now instead of living.

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28 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

I detest smoking too, but try not to direct your rage at its victims.  Yes, they are willing victims assaulting their bodies with a cocktail of chemicals, but they will pay for it one way or another.  So many forms of cancer are linked to smoking, along with MANY other health effects.  I know a guy who's 35 and a smoker and he just got terrible pancreatitis (which is apparently linked strongly to smoking).  Poor guy is vomiting multiple times a day, vomiting up thick yellow bile.  It sounds awful.  I am hoping his pancreas is able to recover.

My husband also smoked for 15 years.  Remember that most smokers started in their teens.  My husband has now been smoke-free for 20 years and I hope his health is clean from any smoke-related effects but we'll never be sure.  My father smoked for 30 years and quit for 20, but then got pancreatic cancer and I'm not sure that the smoking didn't play a role.

I personally think smoking should be illegal, but that would be a huge cost to society to enforce.

I don't think the occasional wisp of second-hand smoke will do you any harm.  It's unpleasant to be sure, but at least smoking is now banned in all public places.  Really the only time I encounter it is while waiting for the bus.

Oh, and my apartment building caught fire due to a smoker, and we're now displaced for over a years while they rebuild.  So if anyone has a reason to hate them, it's me.  :-b

Public smoking is not banned here, only recently they banned indoor smoking, now everyone goes outside to smoke.

I don't think you understand, the smell/visual image/idea of smoking(especially the smell!) makes my mood shift in the blink of an eye. I don't know if it is borderline personality disorder, but when i said it makes my heart rate go up, it actually does, no exaggeration. I can feel the anger in my chest and the urge to rip everything apart. The effect it has on me is absolutely horrible. I wish i could be someone with a lot of power that could ban smoking and destroy all cigars for 3 months, then allow it for a few days, then ban it again, and so on; i'd LOVE to see their pain and withdrawal and see them suffer. That is how much i hate this.

My mom smokes, my father smokes. My father had nasty stomach problems because of coffee/smoking and had to be hospitalized to get back on his feet. He was told not to smoke anymore by the doc. He didn't give a s h i t. Almost 2 years ago, he nearly had a heart attack and went to the doc; doc told him that one of his arteries was almost fully obstructed and he said that if he had gotten to the emergency room 1 day later, a heart attack would've been imminent...he was also shocked that he didn't have one up until then. He was told "no more smoking, period". What did he do after he got out of the hospital ?

he smokes a few packs per day i think...not sure how many, but more than 1 surely. His teeth are destroyed, the front teeth are broken and black.

Each time my mom goes to smoke in the kitchen and i can sense the smell from my room, it makes me go frenzy. When there is good weather outside, my neighbours down below go and smoke on the balcony nonstop, which is below my balcony which holds the door to my room, which i need to open if i want oxygen. Can you ****in believe it that all the ****in smoke goes directly to my door and into my room each ****in time i want to breathe some air ? and i need to shut the ****in door and just wait until they get bored of smoking. I can open any other balcony door which is 2-3m away from mine, that lead into other rooms, but THERE IS NO SMOKE . ONLY COMES TO MY ****IN DOOR.
 

When i've known someone for a while and i didn't know they smoked and i find out, my perspective about them is completely altered. I start hating them too, even if i try to ignore it.

I hate it so much it just ruins my mood each time i think about it/smell it. Take today's example, it took me nearly 3 hours to calm down. I felt the need to crush the walls in my apartment so that i could chill. I can barely contain it.

Edited by Throwaway
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Fairlly good,  have just got back from the theatre, had an enjoyable evening watching four of the past cast from Les Miserables tour singing a host of songs from various musicals, was singing all the way home :smile:, only slight downer was finding a parking ticket making friends with my car on my return to it, oh well!

Edited by hocico
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I feel like this past couple of years has done nothing but prepare me for death. I do not want to be alive anymore and I am not sure that I am even really alive while I type this. I am just existing. I am not going to act on it, but if a car jumps the curb I would not try to dodge or get out of the way. I would let nature take its course. My spirit, my sense of self, my faith in God and humanity are all on life support, I am dying. I am sick of all the suffering and hatred in the world and no one can convince me that there is an acceptable reason why God allows all of this to happen. I am an imperfect being and I would end all suffering yet the one with the power to do so does nothing? How can the creator if he exists stand to see it all, he sees so much more of it than I could yet it goes on and on. A million different paths to confuse the hell out of anyone seeking truth, how are we supposed to navigate it all and have a clear enough mind with all the poisons in our air water and food that are designed to dull us mentally and **** us physically? f* uck it all with a rusty screwdriver. I am sick of it. I am sick of the fact that those who claim to serve a God of love are some of the most hateful and vile people. I am sick of all the division. I am sick of the petty back and forth. Mankind has advanced to the point where we have very little to fear, very few predators to worry about and what do we do? WE DEVOUR ONE ANOTHER!!!

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12 minutes ago, ColdFire said:

I feel like this past couple of years has done nothing but prepare me for death. I do not want to be alive anymore and I am not sure that I am even really alive while I type this. I am just existing. I am not going to act on it, but if a car jumps the curb I would not try to dodge or get out of the way. I would let nature take its course. My spirit, my sense of self, my faith in God and humanity are all on life support, I am dying. I am sick of all the suffering and hatred in the world and no one can convince me that there is an acceptable reason why God allows all of this to happen. I am an imperfect being and I would end all suffering yet the one with the power to do so does nothing? How can the creator if he exists stand to see it all, he sees so much more of it than I could yet it goes on and on. A million different paths to confuse the hell out of anyone seeking truth, how are we supposed to navigate it all and have a clear enough mind with all the poisons in our air water and food that are designed to dull us mentally and **** us physically? f* uck it all with a rusty screwdriver. I am sick of it. I am sick of the fact that those who claim to serve a God of love are some of the most hateful and vile people. I am sick of all the division. I am sick of the petty back and forth. Mankind has advanced to the point where we have very little to fear, very few predators to worry about and what do we do? WE DEVOUR ONE ANOTHER!!!

Hugs bud.  It is a rough world.  Horrific, in many respects.  But, it is all the more reason that all of us with good hearts are needed more than ever!  I hope you can come to realize that YOU are needed here.  Even if it's to soften the fall of others.

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