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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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Sad.  Uncomfortable (emotionally).  Not good enough.

An old lover has been on my mind for the last couple of months, and I don't know why.  The relationship was years ago and he's one of those people I expect never to see again.  And yet, there he is.  In my consciousness.  I fell for one of those tempting lures online about finding anyone, knowing I do not want to find him.  And yet, I looked for him and found him (probably).  We've lived in the same cities (well, not now.  I'm where I never thought I'd be again.), probably overlapping years here and there.  So strange!  I didn't want a phone number, don't want to see him, but we have things to apologize to each other for.  I had an apology in my mind for a while, wishing there was some way I could tell him, all the while knowing I don't want him to see me as I am now.  Depressed, unemployed, in physical pain, heavier than I want to be, feeling not good enough or worthy enough to see someone I used to love whose life I know is "better" than mine. 

This competitiveness over "good lives" is painful a defect in me.  Why, ten years ago or more, I couldn't stand Facebook.  I believed I was looking at what people's lives really were, and kept finding myself coming up short.  Now, most of the people I know have moved on to more relevant material -- not just Wonderful Me and my Wonderful Life -- but world issues like culture, nature, environment, politics, and some, laying bare their pain (my younger brother, who lost his partner nearly three years ago), though I still find the platform distancing and superficial.  My dislike now is for different reasons. 

I want to change my life.  I take a baby step each day toward that end, but there is no guarantee what I want will ever come to pass.  That "big picture" thing can be an insidious destroyer of hope.  I find myself feeling very angry about my circumstances; being unable to find meaningful employment where I'm living now; my musculoskeletal agonies that now have me disabled-- envying people I see pass me by, enjoying a walk on a beautiful day--not being able to go the gym any more.  Feeling stuck, powerless and poor, though I know I have the love of family, which really makes me a very wealthy woman. 

At physical therapy the other day, my therapist and I exchanged painful stories.  Mine, about a friend, who, having just found the love of her life, fell from a tree she was climbing and landed like a folding chair, leaving her a paraplegic.  And my therapist, about a young man and athlete she knew, age 28, who was recently married and diagnosed with leg cancer, and had to have the leg amputated to the hip.  A couple of months later he found out the cancer had metasticised to his lungs and was completely inoperable.  And now he knows the end is nigh, he, who wants/wanted to live!  And, of course, I compare my life to his, feeling shame for my complaints, my failures and depression, and jump on my surf board to skid downhill into that pool of self-hatred that is so familiar.  I must have failed my older brother in some way, and he wants no more "personal sharing" between us because of it.  HE WAS MY FRIEND AND I WANT HIM BACK.  But, alas, I haven't the courage to face the rejection I'll get if I call him.   

I rarely communicate with friends in New York (do I have any left?  I wonder.) and Los Angeles because of the way I feel about myself.  My world is becoming very small.  My life is small, and I never wanted a small, insignificant life.  Never.  Even before I left my parents' home to go to college, I thought the world was big and needed me in it.  Now, I'm just kind of circling the rim trying not to be sucked down the drain.  Oh, me.  Poor me.  Poor, poor, poor me.  My next book title: The Saga of ME, by "M."  (meaning not my name, but "Me.") 

You foolish, self-pitying woman. 

I make myself ridiculous to myself.

So I go through the motions of writing in my Book of Proof (gratitude stuff) about whatever good has happened to me that day.  Today, I found a little acrylic makeup organizer tray for $10.99 and organized my makeup in it.  But I still pray every night that I d.i.e. before my parents.

 

Edited by womanofthelight
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I closed the DF tab, went to my email and there awaited me another of a subscription series I receive 5 days a week.  That the timing of these is so uncanny makes me think . . . we are all heard--by whatever we understand God to be.  It said:

The time will come when you'll see that pretty much everything was better than you thought. That life was more beautiful, people were kinder, greens were greener, and the sky was cleaner. But most of all, you'll see that you were simply stunning, every day of your life.

Happily, I've always known -
    The Universe

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9 minutes ago, womanofthelight said:

Sad.  Uncomfortable (emotionally).  Not good enough.

An old lover has been on my mind for the last couple of months, and I don't know why.  The relationship was years ago and he's one of those people I expect never to see again.  And yet, there he is.  In my consciousness.  I fell for one of those tempting lures online about finding anyone, knowing I do not want to find him.  And yet, I looked for him and found him (probably).  We've lived in the same cities (well, not now.  I'm where I never thought I'd be again.), probably overlapping years here and there.  So strange!  I didn't want a phone number, don't want to see him, but we have things to apologize to each other for.  I had an apology in my mind for a while, wishing there was some way I could tell him, all the while knowing I don't want him to see me as I am now.  Depressed, unemployed, in physical pain, heavier than I want to be, feeling not good enough or worthy enough to see someone I used to love whose life I know is "better" than mine. 

This competitiveness over "good lives" is painful a defect in me.  Why, ten years ago or more, I couldn't stand Facebook.  I believed I was looking at what people's lives really were, and kept finding myself coming up short.  Now, most of the people I know have moved on to more relevant material -- not just Wonderful Me and my Wonderful Life -- but world issues like culture, nature, environment, politics, and some, laying bare their pain (my younger brother, who lost his partner nearly three years ago), though I still find the platform distancing and superficial.  My dislike now is for different reasons. 

I want to change my life.  I take a baby step each day toward that end, but there is no guarantee what I want will ever come to pass.  That "big picture" thing can be an insidious destroyer of hope.  I find myself feeling very angry about my circumstances; being unable to find meaningful employment where I'm living now; my musculoskeletal agonies that now have me disabled-- envying people I see pass me by, enjoying a walk on a beautiful day--not being able to go the gym any more.  Feeling stuck, powerless and poor, though I know I have the love of family, which really makes me a very wealthy woman. 

At physical therapy the other day, my therapist and I exchanged painful stories.  Mine, about a friend, who, having just found the love of her life, fell from a tree she was climbing and landed like a folding chair, leaving her a paraplegic.  And my therapist, about a young man and athlete she knew, age 28, who was recently married and diagnosed with leg cancer, and had to have the leg amputated to the hip.  A couple of months later he found out the cancer had metasticised to his lungs and was completely inoperable.  And now he knows the end is nigh, he, who wants/wanted to live!  And, of course, I compare my life to his, feeling shame for my complaints, my failures and depression, and jump on my surf board to skid downhill into that pool of self-hatred that is so familiar.  I must have failed my older brother in some way, and he wants no more "personal sharing" between us because of it.  HE WAS MY FRIEND AND I WANT HIM BACK.  But, alas, I haven't the courage to face the rejection I'll get if I call him.   

I rarely communicate with friends in New York (do I have any left?  I wonder.) and Los Angeles because of the way I feel about myself.  My world is becoming very small.  My life is small, and I never wanted a small, insignificant life.  Never.  Even before I left my parents' home to go to college, I thought the world was big and needed me in it.  Now, I'm just kind of circling the rim trying not to be sucked down the drain.  Oh, me.  Poor me.  Poor, poor, poor me.  My next book title: The Saga of ME, by "M."  (meaning not my name, but "Me.") 

You foolish, self-pitying woman. 

I make myself ridiculous to myself.

So I go through the motions of writing in my Book of Proof (gratitude stuff) about whatever good has happened to me that day.  Today, I found a little acrylic makeup organizer tray for $10.99 and organized my makeup in it.  But I still pray every night that I d.i.e. before my parents.

 

Oh, my dear WOTL. This beautiful, painful, raw piece has left me with so much to say.  Problem is, I don't know what it is, yet. 

For now, this will have to do:

I wish I could ease your pain.  I recognize these feelings, the envy, and then the guilt that follows.

There is so much good in you.  Are you perfect?  No.  Am I? Hell know.  But when I read something like this I know that I know the author.  And she is of amazing worth. You are in tune with a worth that is so much the superior of the material.  I hope you can stay with, and cultivate, your spirit, your peace.  You have a gift, WOTL.  It's in your words.

Big hugs!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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14 minutes ago, womanofthelight said:

I closed the DF tab, went to my email and there awaited me another of a subscription series I receive 5 days a week.  That the timing of these is so uncanny makes me think . . . we are all heard--by whatever we understand God to be.  It said:

The time will come when you'll see that pretty much everything was better than you thought. That life was more beautiful, people were kinder, greens were greener, and the sky was cleaner. But most of all, you'll see that you were simply stunning, every day of your life.

Happily, I've always known -
    The Universe

Yeah!!!!  That's what I was supposed to say! :)

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I`m feeling pretty sad and lonely right now.I just wonder if these feelings will ever go away.I wonder if I`ll always be anxious and worry about absolutely everything.I`m just feeling this deep,down sadness right now.I feel useless and worthles.I`ll never be anyone or anything.

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could barely sleep last night, i think i managed to push 4 hours of disturbed sleep. i kept twitching and waking up in spasms... i dreamt that this girl that ****ed me over kept calling me to ask me "are you ready" and when i asked "ready for what" there would be no answer, and when i looked at the phone i couldn't even find our chats/she wasn't there anymore.

woke up, looked at my phone, there was my last message with /seen ,saying that i was looking for the comfort of female affection and intimacy to give me a break from pain.

my chest feels so heavy. i am so exhausted. i want to shut down

Edited by Throwaway
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6 hours ago, RiverLight said:

 Anxiety is eating me up right now... plus I feel super needy and insecure atm.... I am not myself right now. I want male affection and attention....

story of my life, i need the comfort of female intimacy and trust. why the **** does it seem so impossible to find ? and when i try to find it, i get my ****in legs cut down and get p***** on.

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Tired and stoned, but had a good day at work. New job is a lot better than I thought it would be. Yet saw something on facebook that made me sad and made me question my ability to fall asleep to noninvasive thoughts.

Also offered an ear to a friends boyfriend who I feel like I can relate to a lot. He doesn't have enough money for therapy, and I know therapy helps me so I figure maybe give him a place to vent? I like helping people, it makes me feel better about myself. I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries by suggesting that though. I hope I didn't offend my friend in any way.

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I slept all day today again.  I missed my Trauma Group and Men's Group.  I don't care anymore.  I don't feel like there is anything to learn anymore.  What's the point of living?   I am only suffering.  

I managed to go out and walk for twenty minutes.   I had coffee at Starbucks.    I wanted to go to the Next Act Pub but I am tired of paying for my friend Joe so I did not go there.  i guess I could have gone alone but I was scared.  Going to the pub alone is better than all the therapy in the world.   Ah well there is always next time.

i managed a shower tonight which is good.  Two days in a row.  

I am turning fifty in January.   No life nothing to live for.

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Turning fifty in January.  Never kissed a girl. Never had sex.  When and how will I start?   I will look stupid. Never hugged anyone.  I wanted to but never did.   I am not going to be able to do any of the above.

I get to know people and they they move away.  The nicest people have moved away.   Happens all the time.

I am bored with my life.  I should not go on like this.  This is no way to live.   

I am worried about my future health.  I cannot do this any longer.  No God will feel sorry for me.  I have been domesticated by an evil environment while growing up.

Edited by duck
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I was blessed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and now Depression.  I am so lucky.   I am a lucky boy.   My hands and feet are freezing because of Raynaud's Syndrome.   I cannot take this anymore and yet I will wake up tomorrow and keep trying.

Edited by duck
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