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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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woke up with my usual depressive morning moods...trying to get rid of them as always...i still can't understand how i can get rid of them permanently, i don't understand if they are actually directly linked to depression or something else..sometimes they are way too physical

i wake up, and the moment i wake up without even having time to think of something, when my mind is blank, these moods start up in my stomach and go up to my chest, and they feel like stomach/heart burns combined with sadness and disappointment...i have no clue how to get rid of them. i am genuinely thinking of starting to smoke some "grass". i look at people that do it, they have it so easy and are so happy, some of my friends do it... after all, both of us will be sitting under 2m of soil someday, why should they be happy while i remain in agony ? i don't see any other solution than this atm :(

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8 hours ago, LoneSquirrel said:

Anxious and alone.

I have hospital tests coming up, and I'm hooked up to a heart monitor for the next 2 weeks.

I'm scared, but there's no one to talk to and nothing I can do about the situation.

Hey there Squirrel,

You are never alone when you have all of us here! I hope that you have something to help you feel a little bit better while you are dealing with all of this. I am sending hugs! :hugs:

I am doing okay, I seem to finally be over my cold. Work is super slow again so I am nervous about that but otherwise I am feeling pretty good.

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i was just called from the modelling agency i am at. they wanted me to pose in a calendar , but i had to cut my hair and dye it for 75 euros...why is it that when i am offered an opportunity, i can't take them because of what i believe in and everyone tries to change me ? what's wrong with the way that i am ? i was offered to shoot in a commercial a while ago for fast food(i had to eat it)...i am against fast food, i had to decline.... 75 euros ? is that what is worth 1 year of hair growth and trying to make it look good everyday while i get out of that "s***ty hair" phase  ?

what a great way to **** my mood again... each time i somehow manage to feel a bit better, there is something or someone that screws it up. FML

Edited by Throwaway
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8 hours ago, LoneSquirrel said:

Anxious and alone.

I have hospital tests coming up, and I'm hooked up to a heart monitor for the next 2 weeks.

I'm scared, but there's no one to talk to and nothing I can do about the situation.

@LoneSquirrel I'm so sorry you have to endure this.  I had an MI a few years ago - two stents placed - and I think I can understand at least some of the anxiety and other feelings you're having.  I won't go into them here, but PM me if you like.  Since that time, I've been particularly aware of my heartbeat sometimes, especially at night.  Considering our other afflictions, I hope you can find something to distract you or, if you've the energy sometime, a way to reach out to a person or group IRL. {{{{{{{{{LoneSquirrel}}}}}}}}}}

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3 hours ago, Throwaway said:

i was just called from the modelling agency i am at. they wanted me to pose in a calendar , but i had to cut my hair and dye it for 75 euros...why is it that when i am offered an opportunity, i can't take them because of what i believe in and everyone tries to change me ? what's wrong with the way that i am ? i was offered to shoot in a commercial a while ago for fast food(i had to eat it)...i am against fast food, i had to decline.... 75 euros ? is that what is worth 1 year of hair growth and trying to make it look good everyday while i get out of that "s***ty hair" phase  ?

what a great way to **** my mood again... each time i somehow manage to feel a bit better, there is something or someone that screws it up. FML

I'm against fast food too and I work there. 

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Oh Lordy. Am I ever messed up. I saw and hooked up with my ex boyfriend last night, quite by surprise and by accident... well, I was drinking quite a bit and my judgement was far off. What have I done??? He emotionally abused me. So I wrote him an email heading it off.... rejecting him before he can reject me since I cannot take any more rejections at this point. I am a mess..... I think I am rebounding big time.

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You know growing up I never felt loved by any of my family.  They are as cold as ice and the ones that act like they care just want something.  I watched something about Amy Whinehouse before and I feel a lot like her.  It's very possible I have borderline personality disorder like she did because I was never loved.  I was neglected and abused at best.  I myself have a big heart and care deeply for everyone like me.  So my life was devastating.

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feeling a bit pathetic, after all these years of practicing I still struggle to hold basic group conversations. any more than two or three people and I just freeze up... i cant contribute - all I do is panic about how stupid I am and how I should have avoided the situation in the first place (or how I can get out of it).

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I just keep remembering more and more abuse as a child.  That's what my 30s has been.  People always talk about all the things they did as a child.  I don't remember a lot of my childhood and what I remember was horrible.  My mind basically tried to black out the whole thing but I keep remembering more and more as I go on.  I don't want to remember anymore.

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I wish I could talk about it all.  It's too much for anyone to handle though.  It's too much for me to handle.  It's awful.  I just go about my normal life and then I have these flashbacks out of the blue where I keep remembering more and more.  What I remember is horrible.

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On 13.10.2016 at 9:07 PM, Natasha1 said:

we all love you @Wisteria and @LoneSquirrel

Aww thank you, you're too sweet! :coopcray:

On 19.10.2016 at 1:05 AM, CoolCat7 said:

I hope so too, for your sake.

Thank you as always! :flowers:

On 19.10.2016 at 1:06 AM, sober4life said:

All I want is for you to be happy and healthy.

Thank you. :) I hope you can feel happy and be healthy too.

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I can always count on people here.  That's the best thing about this place.  People always feel like I do unfortunately.  The reason why I'm still here is this place.  In my real life everyone treats me like dog .  Here everyone cares about each other and tries to help them.  I wish the real world was like this place.

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