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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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4 minutes ago, chasinghappiness said:

Another embarrassing breakdown in front of the boss, who luckily, is very understanding. Thankfully, I've eaten something and am doing work now. Nowhere to go but up when you've hit rock bottom...

I'M 5 FEET 11 INCHES TALL... WEIGH 245 POUNDS.... I HAVE BROKEN DOWN CRYING IN FRONT OF MY BOSS... DON'T FEEL BAD !!!!!!! we're only human.

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Had a pretty good laugh today while I was out looking at laserdiscs in a local thrift store. I was told what they had was someones entire collection and what a mix of discs they once owned... Started out with some Disney movies. Aladdin, Fantasia and the Lion King. Then went into action movies. Mission Impossible and Face-Off. Next were some japanese imported anime films. And then out of nowhere... A ton of playboy laserdiscs from the late 80's and early 90's. What a mix of discs... Didn't pick any of these up because the price was simply too high. For whatever reason I've caught the laserdisc bug. I vaguely remember seeing them when I was a kid but I never owned any up until now. So that and vinyl have replaced my bitcoin hobbie.

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35 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Now i'm just left with the pain. :coopcray:

I hope that's not true.  You deserve happiness.  We all do.  Now that I have a job I want to join every dating website there is.  There's something wrong with me obviously that nobody likes so I feel like it will be a waste of time.  I know I have to have confidence but people need a reason to feel confident.  It's not something that's just automatically there.  I used to be the most confident person I know but life has stripped me of all of that and I don't know that I'll ever get it back to any degree.

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On 20.9.2016 at 3:58 PM, Throwaway said:

it must be agony to deal with something that will never go away when it comes to health...i know that i get down in the dumps when something even minor happens to me health wise... i am an athletic dude who has been practicing sport all his life since the age 4, had perfect nutrition and rest and i remember when i went to the doc and he diagnosed me with varicose veins in both of my legs(earliest stage of varicose, treatable, barely noticeable)...having this image of health perfection(and having an insanely healthy lifestyle), the moment he told me i got dizzy and nearly fainted , had to sit down to recover...couldn't comprehend how this could happen to me, knowing that i did everything right from the beginning of my life..ofc , it was genetics, my mom/grandma/grandpa all had these and it seems i couldn't be lucky and avoid them.

Since this place seems safe, i guess i can also say that i got diagnosed with a varicocele, which for a man isn't very pleasent and it really messes with your confidence.

What i have must really fade in comparison with what you have, i guess what i have isn't even worthy of being written here...but i do hope that whatever you got diagnosed with won't aggravate/interfere with your life and that somehow you will manage to find happiness and relief despite it

Yeah, it's sad, frustrating, painful, annoying, depressing but sadly we can't choose what diseases we will get or not get (not talking about the diseases which come from bad lifestyle choices, though even then it's not always a choice). I'm so sorry to hear about your health struggles, and it's not wrong to share it and it doesn't make your illness any less horrible than anyone else's. All health issues are horrible in their own ways. :/ Sadly, we can't choose our genes or dna either... It seems like your health related issues are mostly hereditary. Mine is actually as well but I don't know half of my family so then there's that...

You're safe to share your feelings and thoughts on this forum, people are really supportive here. :)

Thank you! I hope so too, but unfortunately it has lowered the quality of my life a lot. There's always uncertainty with this disease, it normally comes back even after many surgeries. Annoying... Hopefully not needing those surgeries much in the future, though.

On 20.9.2016 at 4:01 PM, sober4life said:

I don't know I guess I'm lost.  All she wants is love and happiness and then someone like me comes along that would love to give her those things and she doesn't really want any part of it.  All I want is love and happiness as well.

The thing is that no one owes anything to anyone here on this forum or online in general, I think you know that. Also, love should be something special and one of kind. People shouldn't accept just any random person as their partner because of the feelings of desperation and loneliness, that's just unhealthy base for any relationship. Love is much more precious than that, right? Also, you can't choose who you will fall in love with, but sometimes people mix up love, lust and having just a simple crush on someone. Mostly it's just a crush and not love. 

I think I am leaving this conversation now, it makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward... I shouldn't feel that I have to explain anything.

Regardless, all the best to you.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I hope that's not true.  You deserve happiness.  We all do.  Now that I have a job I want to join every dating website there is.  There's something wrong with me obviously that nobody likes so I feel like it will be a waste of time.  I know I have to have confidence but people need a reason to feel confident.  It's not something that's just automatically there.  I used to be the most confident person I know but life has stripped me of all of that and I don't know that I'll ever get it back to any degree.

Thanks, Sober. :hugs:

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Sounds like many of us are going through a rough time right now.  I too, as some, are having both health problems and depression and anxiety issues.   I feel overwhelmed as of late, kind of scattered trying to get organized.  Staying in more recovering from a procedure.  Just watching the news for any length of time would make anyone depressed or anxious in some way.  It seems so much of this chaos could be lessened if people would come together and get along with each other.  A big stretch, but a goal that hopefully will be achieved.  I think the world, planet, could be in jeopardy if we don't.  Just my opinion.

I really miss my therapist who left his practice, hopefully temporarily, because of some serious health issues.  His recovery is most important, but selfishly I feel lost since our last visit.  Saw another in the same counseling center who was sweet but clearly not equipped to handle my case as it is multi-faceted and complicated.  I think she was new or a trainee.  Seemed an odd placement for me.  So I am looking outside for another.  My doctor gave me a referral worth checking into.  Just hoping my current therapist will be back by Christmas which is his estimated return time.

I heard a line somewhere from a film I think saying that people living with a chronic fairly serious illness can suffer a social death before the physical one.  I think this may be true for depressed people as well.  Clearly there is a stigma out there.  And I have learned not to speak of it to any of my friends as they don't get it. My mood swings, wanting to be alone, lack of interest, some days worse than others, have been the cause of my loosing friends.  I can't wear the happy mask any more.  Depression has worsened and I can't keep it bottled in.

My mom had it for years, so bad she had to be institutionalized for a year or more.  She was a socialite and when she got depressed no one showed up.  I have never seen anyone so sad in my life as my mom during those times.  Fortunately she found her way out of it after so much suffering and could continue on with life.  My mom was one of my best friends, she has since passed, but if she could make through all she went through, I hope I can find the key to life again too.  I hope all of us can.

 

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Day started badly when the person handling housing assistance kept me waiting 40 mins. past my appointment start.  I walked.  I also complained to my case manager.  The housing person called an hour later apologizing for the "inconvenience," not understanding or even addressing that the primary issue was respect...for MY time.  I kept the convo calm and very short. 

Fortunately, I'm with an HIV agency that takes complaints (and client respect) seriously and they did.  The supervisor called me twice, the second time well after business hours, to reschedule with someone else.  I was relieved I could put the issue to rest in my mind.  "Normally" this is the kind of thing I'd have kept running over and over in my mind all night.

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3 hours ago, Wisteria said:

Yeah, it's sad, frustrating, painful, annoying, depressing but sadly we can't choose what diseases we will get or not get (not talking about the diseases which come from bad lifestyle choices, though even then it's not always a choice). I'm so sorry to hear about your health struggles, and it's not wrong to share it and it doesn't make your illness any less horrible than anyone else's. All health issues are horrible in their own ways. :/ Sadly, we can't choose our genes or dna either... It seems like your health related issues are mostly hereditary. Mine is actually as well but I don't know half of my family so then there's that...

You're safe to share your feelings and thoughts on this forum, people are really supportive here. :)

Thank you! I hope so too, but unfortunately it has lowered the quality of my life a lot. There's always uncertainty with this disease, it normally comes back even after many surgeries. Annoying... Hopefully not needing those surgeries much in the future, though.

The thing is that no one owes anything to anyone here on this forum or online in general, I think you know that. Also, love should be something special and one of kind. People shouldn't accept just any random person as their partner because of the feelings of desperation and loneliness, that's just unhealthy base for any relationship. Love is much more precious than that, right? Also, you can't choose who you will fall in love with, but sometimes people mix up love, lust and having just a simple crush on someone. Mostly it's just a crush and not love. 

I think I am leaving this conversation now, it makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward... I shouldn't feel that I have to explain anything.

Regardless, all the best to you.

The last thing I want you or anyone else here to feel is uncomfortable and awkward so I'll leave this place and never come back.  I honestly at this point don't know how healthy this place is for me anyway.  I come here day after day crying over the misery that the people I care about here have to go through and I think at this point it's too much for me to handle.  If I continue to come here I think it will eventually put me in the grave.

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Just watching tv and reading the df.

Today I was very tired but I was able to go out to one depression group and I made it to Starbucks.    I had coffee alone because my friends were away.

I need to lose weight.  I have love handles and it's not good for my health.   The Effexsor made me gain weight and now I am not happy about it.  I am walking everyday about twenty to thirty minutes so that should help with my mood and overall health.

I am planning to start going to the gym and work out but take it slow.  I am not looking to become world champ in one year.   I will take it slow until my muscles are used to working out then go from there.  Right now I cannot stand for very long because of my weight and weak muscles.   Standing for more than ten minutes gets uncomfortable.  An hour is almost impossible.   Anyways I guess I should also eat soup everyday and lose some weight there.

Edited by duck

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2 hours ago, RiverLight said:

I've had it with the a******.s of this world. Ran into yet another one, who only wanted to attack me because he was mad at what I had to say. So F him. I am so done with all of these people.

welcome to the dark side, people need to earn trust not have it given to them off the bat, or they will be nice to you only if you agree with them or kiss there ass constantly.

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