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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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Every day is a struggle.  I cannot do things like before my depression hit me.   I have my brother in law doing some work on my cars for me.  He even had to vacuum them for me.

I am trying to walk half an hour everyday even though the temperature is cold.  I feel a bit better after each walk but as each day goes by I am getting more and more sad about my life and how it has turned out to be. I am missing out on life as each day passes.  

Everyday I see happy people laughing and having a good time, holding hands  and I compare myself to them.  I am going nowhere and nothing will change anytime soon.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Since my pdoc increased the Abilify my blurred vision has come back and I am not happy about it.  I am hoping to go on new medication but my doctors are hesitant.  

Edited by duck

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Did a few driving chores.

Walk for half hour.

Chapters book store.....spoke to Noel.  She is a nurse and she is always concerned about my depression.

Starbucks.........read a book

Situation Brewing

Watching F1 car race.

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2 hours ago, duck said:


Did a few driving chores.

Walk for half hour.

Chapters book store.....spoke to Noel.  She is a nurse and she is always concerned about my depression.

Starbucks.........read a book

Situation Brewing

Watching F1 car race.

I was thinking of you duck, I am glad you were able to do some stuff.

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Very anxious as usual, the darkness of the fall makes my anxiety worse. I'm always afraid my anxiety will turn into a heart attack and I will die.....maybe ill try to leave the house a bit..

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I know how you feel.  All people do is disappoint me.  I'll do anything for someone I care about.  Unfortunately the world too often sees the nice guy as weak and a easy target they can give out abuse to.  If all my mental scars from people would show up as a physical scar on my skin you wouldn't even be able to recognize me as a person at this point.

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10 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I know how you feel.  All people do is disappoint me.  I'll do anything for someone I care about.  Unfortunately the world too often sees the nice guy as weak and a easy target they can give out abuse to.  If all my mental scars from people would show up as a physical scar on my skin you wouldn't even be able to recognize me as a person at this point.

Yeah, same here. =( I have many many scars.... I know I'm an easy target. I am far too nice.

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1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

Yeah, same here. =( I have many many scars.... I know I'm an easy target. I am far too nice.

I was like that in the past, and I still am to a point, but after being used and abused from someone that i thought I loved, I learned to say "NO" more often than usual. Being an easy target stinks, but in this world you have to be more selfish and think about yourself. The nicer you are the more people will abuse you and take advantage of you.

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29 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I was like that in the past, and I still am to a point, but after being used and abused from someone that i thought I loved, I learned to say "NO" more often than usual. Being an easy target stinks, but in this world you have to be more selfish and think about yourself. The nicer you are the more people will abuse you and take advantage of you.

I'm gonna start doing that, and have much better boundaries with ppl.. no more letting people in so quickly.. I always just get hurt that way.

 

14 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Hugs Riv.  It does seem to come in bunches this way.  And it does hurt!!!

Thanks, Brian. :hugs:It DOES hurt... I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, yet again, but by someone else now. I am really tired of it.

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3 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

I'm gonna start doing that, and have much better boundaries with ppl.. no more letting people in so quickly.. I always just get hurt that way.

 

Thanks, Brian. :hugs:It DOES hurt... I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, yet again, but by someone else now. I am really tired of it.

it was hard for me in the beginning River, but eventually you realize if you keep letting these people use you and abuse you because you don't want to hurt them and can't say no, or refuse to do what they want you to do, you will be the only one hurt in the end..we can't please everyone that's the way I see it...

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1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

Yeah, same here. =( I have many many scars.... I know I'm an easy target. I am far too nice.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you being nice.  The problem is how people treated you not the other way around.  Unfortunately we live in a world that seems to get darker and colder every day.  Too often the people that show up just show up because they want something and once they get it they hit the road.  What the hell has happened to this world?  I'm honestly to the point where I don't trust anyone.  We shouldn't have to worry about every single person's motives every time we talk to someone.  We shouldn't have to live in world where it seems dangerous every time you leave the house.  It's completely ridiculous.  I see the world as a place that has become morally bankrupt.

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1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

it was hard for me in the beginning River, but eventually you realize if you keep letting these people use you and abuse you because you don't want to hurt them and can't say no, or refuse to do what they want you to do, you will be the only one hurt in the end..we can't please everyone that's the way I see it...

UR so right..... thank you Lady! :hugs:
 

55 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you being nice.  The problem is how people treated you not the other way around.  Unfortunately we live in a world that seems to get darker and colder every day.  Too often the people that show up just show up because they want something and once they get it they hit the road.  What the hell has happened to this world?  I'm honestly to the point where I don't trust anyone.  We shouldn't have to worry about every single person's motives every time we talk to someone.  We shouldn't have to live in world where it seems dangerous every time you leave the house.  It's completely ridiculous.  I see the world as a place that has become morally bankrupt.

Sober... I don't know. I feel the same in a way bc now I am finally jaded about people and feel mistrustful and wary of them. I don't want to keep getting hurt... but I don't know if I see the world as morally bankrupt, I think there are just a lot of s***ty ppl out there who will use and abuse you, like Lady said..... 
 

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I had the worst night's sleep. I woke up every hour with severe dry mouth--I only took my nightly mirtazapine. But that must be acting like an antihistamine and drying up my mouth and sinuses?

I have a little more energy this morning and I think that despite the lack of sleep, I had a really good dream. In the dream, I was driving or talking about driving and I was going to drive across a bridge that I always drive across in dreams and it was like a rollercoaster. There was an ascent and then a slope down almost into the water and in my dream I thought, "oh the polar caps are melting. That's what this is!" But I get down safely and look forward to the next ascent...

and I woke up :(

Our plan today was to go see a movie tonight, that might not be here tomorrow, but it's one we all want to see (husband, son & I). My husband asked if I could visit his dad. I said no, on account of my virus. He said "Oh well. I guess I could skip a night," and I felt glad about that.

I would have gone if my nose weren't still drippy. I told my husband that I planned to pick up a few groceries today--and I'm going to be very careful that there are only a few: eggs, coffee, fruit. That's pretty much it. 

I'm also doing my laundry and pulled my knee shlepping the basket down to the washing machine. I will need a nap before this day is over.

 

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speaking of dreams, i don't think i ever had a dream that left me happy(maybe 1-2 once a year)...everything i dream leaves me emotionally drained and revolves around tornadoes(at least 1 dream regarding tornadoes per week)/getting caught in a tsunami/cataclysmical events/being chased by bears/getting stuck in spider web/nearly drowning/or dreaming of someone i fancy become unreachable

Edited by Throwaway

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2 hours ago, Throwaway said:

speaking of dreams, i don't think i ever had a dream that left me happy(maybe 1-2 once a year)...everything i dream leaves me emotionally drained and revolves around tornadoes(at least 1 dream regarding tornadoes per week)/getting caught in a tsunami/cataclysmical events/being chased by bears/getting stuck in spider web/nearly drowning/or dreaming of someone i fancy become unreachable

I have some recurring themes in my dreams too.  Once I figure out what they mean (what issue I'm having that's causing the dreams), they tend to go away.  Then--after some time--they may reappear...and that's how I know I have to deal with whatever issue is causing the dreams to reappear.

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48 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

Just the sight of darkness makes my anxiety worse.....damn how will I make it through this fall and winter...

Do you have a light box you can use in the morning?  I got one as a gift for Christmas, and it does seem to help with my mood during the darker months.  I think they bought it on Amazon. 

I use my Bing rewards to earn Amazon gifts cards to buy stuff.  (You earn points when you do searches on Bing, and eventually you can earn a $5 gift card.  Then you save them up in your Amazon account.)

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My energy just took a nose dive all of a sudden and it wasn't high to begin with. I need to find my cell phone which is apparently turned off or has the sound turned down, and I should finish this paperwork but I can barely stand and move around let alone focus. I hate when this happens. It's why I don't have hope of ever being productive. :sniffle1:

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53 minutes ago, evalynn said:

My energy just took a nose dive all of a sudden and it wasn't high to begin with. I need to find my cell phone which is apparently turned off or has the sound turned down, and I should finish this paperwork but I can barely stand and move around let alone focus. I hate when this happens. It's why I don't have hope of ever being productive. :sniffle1:

:console:  I get those crashes too. 

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I used to love my dreams but I think once god or whoever figured that out they all turned to nightmares and disappointment.  That was one escape I had from this and now even it is terrible.  For a while I figured out how to have complete control of my dreams so at least that was a life where I could have exactly the life I wanted.  I would sleep 15 hours and once I woke up I would lay there until I was able to go back to sleep no matter how long I had to lay there.  Once I wake up to this I can't figure out how to have the life I want at all.  I'm back to being the weird misfit that never seems to get it.

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