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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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7 minutes ago, Fenris89 said:

:roll2:

Sorry Squirrel, I had to laugh =p

It's okay.  I rather enjoy colorful description.  In fact, one of my hobbies is finding creative ways to describe a smell.

Example:

Coworker: "Do you smell that?"  :huh:

Me: "Yeah...it smells like someone crapped in a gym shoe and lit it on fire."  :coffeebreak:

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I'm feeling simultaneously fantastic and horrible. It's a great and miserable feeling. It's a very sad way to exist when you have nothing to live for but escapism and alcohol. When you completely give up on all hope and just ride the wave of emptiness all the way down to rock bottom. I feel like I'm a corpse being dragged across the ocean floor. I don't even have the power to speak these days, I talk so little that my voice has shrunk into a whisper. I have no energy, no will, no reason left to exist. Here I am all the same. All I can do is laugh at how empty all of this is, and yet I'm still alive. Obviously I still have a glimmer of hope left, otherwise I'd be dead. Or maybe that's just what I tell myself. Maybe people who **** themselves have more life than me, because I ran out of that so long ago. Perhaps all hope is dead and gone and I merely exist in my bleak state for even more bleak reasons. I don't even know anymore. I feel powerless. I have lost all control. My fate has been decided. It is not the fate I want. It is not the life I wanted. I am not the person I ever wanted to be. Then again, I'm not sure what I wanted in the first place. Perhaps it was nothing. Maybe deep down I just want to be a human being. If I was a greedy man I would wish to be thought of as a kind, loving person and perhaps to be loved back in return like the attractive and sociable human beings who get it for free. I feel like I could die happy if just one person benefited from my existence. However, the concept of connection is dead for me. It is impossible. This body has only felt bad things. In the end I couldn't even amount to nothing. The winds of fate decided that my existence would turn out to be so much worse than nothing. Nothing is out of my reach. Nothing is what I dream of being. I'm not sure what I desire anymore. It is utterly degrading just to see my own reflection and I am my own worst enemy. There is nothing left for me to do on this earth but to disappear. My part of the world is full of sadness and loneliness and nothing else. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Death is the only thing left that can bring this body any peace. Sometimes you just have to throw in the towel. There is a point for a human being where there is no turning back. I have deluded myself into thinking I had not yet reached that point, but that childish dream fell apart. From this point on I will simply drink and eat myself into my death bed, nothing more, nothing less. I won't lie to myself and say that I'll find joy or peace in it, the truth is I would much rather live in a world where I am a human being that feels happiness and connection, but that is not the reality I am living in. I am not a human being. I am garbage. Ugly, disgusting, morbid garbage. My brain is diseased. My body should not be seen by the human eye. I should be banished to the sewers. That is how I feel. I cannot help how I feel. I do not feel that these feelings are twisted, and even if they were I cannot help feeling them all the same. I want to disappear but I still want to be a human being just as much. Because of that I turn to fantasy where I can be a human being and force myself to feel makeshift feelings of a normal human just so I can tell myself I still exist, and yet it's still not enough. Misery is a given no matter where I turn, there is no way out.  Ultimately, I am devoid of any substantial feelings and simply search for words to fill the void. These are the words that have come out. I may find them reprehensible tomorrow, but for today they are me. I'm not sure why I'm typing but I guess it represents that small glimmer of hope. It's already dead but it still keeps on typing. Everything I do feels like I'm building a time bomb for a dead man.

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13 hours ago, sober4life said:

I want nothing but the best for you Wisteria.  I want you to have the perfect life and be happy every moment of every day.  That would make me very happy.

Thank you for these sweet words, too kind. :) Unfortunately life isn't/can't be perfect but nonetheless I hope life will treat you well too and you can feel happy without loneliness.

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Well I care about you.  I'm always here for you.  I'm always here to talk.  Maybe you'll never understand my posts about you.  I think I need to explain things.  The truth is I really like you.  I'm happy when I see your posts.  Like I've said before we don't have to be alone.  I'm right here.

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I c*t myself open and pour myself out for my loved ones. What do they do? They step on my insides, they leave tracks of me all over the house. Parts of me in the carpet, on the window sill, in the yard. Behind the sofa. I can never be whole again. Spread too thin like jam on toast. I am misery jam with extra high Fu*ckedup corn syrup. I am not perfect but I don't deserve to be treated this way. I am just as much a piece of crap as they are, they are my family after all. I just can't let them go, abandon them or tell them how they hurt me. If they smell even a speck of bl**d they will swarm and I wont have anything left of me to exist.

Maybe I should tattoo 'Welcome' on my fat arse so I can at least look like a door mat too.

 

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How do I feel.  I'll explain how I feel.  All day I'm lost in addiction.  I come across people that are stronger than the addiction.  That's how I feel about you wisteria.  You're stronger than the addiction.  You're stronger than any addiction I've ever had.  I still don't think it's coming out right.  What I mean is I can stop the addiction and have my full attention on you.  Not many people have that power over me but you do.

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I'm not exactly sure why I feel the way I do but I definitely feel that way.  I feel a pure good and calmness from you wisteria.  Maybe I should just stop but I have to tell you how I feel.  I think the best day of my life would be a day spent with you.

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Hiya everyone. I've been thinking about where and how to share recently, after thinking i was doing really well, i've had a bit of a meltdown. I was thinking i should share progress and some stuff i found really helpful for a week or two, but now i find myself here looking for answers.

 

In short, i feel . I feel s***ter that all my tools aren't working, and perhaps because i'm not applying them well, and panicking about the slide.

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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

Well I care about you.  I'm always here for you.  I'm always here to talk.  Maybe you'll never understand my posts about you.  I think I need to explain things.  The truth is I really like you.  I'm happy when I see your posts.  Like I've said before we don't have to be alone.  I'm right here.

1 hour ago, sober4life said:

How do I feel.  I'll explain how I feel.  All day I'm lost in addiction.  I come across people that are stronger than the addiction.  That's how I feel about you wisteria.  You're stronger than the addiction.  You're stronger than any addiction I've ever had.  I still don't think it's coming out right.  What I mean is I can stop the addiction and have my full attention on you.  Not many people have that power over me but you do.

1 hour ago, sober4life said:

Wow it felt so good to say that.  It's like the weight of the world came off my shoulders.  I had to get it out.

1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I'm not exactly sure why I feel the way I do but I definitely feel that way.  I feel a pure good and calmness from you wisteria.  Maybe I should just stop but I have to tell you how I feel.  I think the best day of my life would be a day spent with you.

Oh wow... I really don't know to say, people rarely ever confess something like that to me. I think you're a good person with a good heart (from what I've read on the forums), but of course wanting to be honest with you (or anyone in that matter). It's healthy to let all the feelings and thoughts out, but I think I'm going to break your heart... Maybe it's just me, but since I don't know anything about you or never talked with you or even if I would have talked with you, I can't have feelings for someone who I haven't never met. Maybe it's just me as I said. People are different in that manner, we live in internet era after all.

You deserve to meet someone who loves and cares about you, that special person. I sincerely hope you will find her someday, but I'm afraid that won't be me. :hugs: 

 

 

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I am feeling a bit anxious about my health, which I've been neglecting for over two years now. I need to get to the dentist and am afraid of what they are going to tell me. I know I have a lot of extra dental work to do, based on my last appt, and that's why I haven't been back since.... & it's going to cost big $$$ out of my purse. Then I have other doctors appts to make and it's all a bit overwhelming... my PCP, the gynecologist, a mammogram.. those are at least three that I need to make. Plus I have major car repairs to do asap to fix my broken bumper and to pass inspection within the next month. That's more $$ out of pocket. Silver lining is I do have the $$ but there goes a lot of my savings too.

I hope I get this job that is coming up... I could really use the 25K raise about now. I need to ace this interview on Friday.... I have high hopes, but low expectations given the way things have gone lately in that dept.

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Wisteria you probably think I'm a complete ***** at this point.  I wouldn't blame you at all for thinking that.  I do have a good heart.  I care about everyone that goes through what I go through.  It's ******* me at this point.

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26 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I know it won't be you but I can dream can't I?   I go through life and do my own thing but certain people for whatever reason stand out and get my attention.  You're one of those people.

Sure, dreams are allowed. That's kind.

12 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Wisteria you probably think I'm a complete ***** at this point.  I wouldn't blame you at all for thinking that.  I do have a good heart.  I care about everyone that goes through what I go through.  It's ******* me at this point.

No, I don't think so. I never said so... I hope you feel better soon. :console:

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27 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Wisteria you probably think I'm a complete ***** at this point.  I wouldn't blame you at all for thinking that.  I do have a good heart.  I care about everyone that goes through what I go through.  It's ******* me at this point.

well, i don't want to say i fully understand you, but i do know that intense empathy , at least in my case , is an absolute bit*h... i can get emotionally attached to women on the internet even if i've never talked to them and just observed what they said..sometimes i can get attached to women staying in the other end of the bus when i am going somewhere...their simple presence next to me can spark something in me...sometimes it even gets to infatuation...

if this is your case as well, then dude, we both have a hard time :\

Edited by Throwaway

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On 9/19/2016 at 2:01 AM, Wisteria said:

Aw, thank you! I'm not talking about depression, though... I'm talking about completely different disease, a physical one with chronic physical pains. :/ Depression is painful too, but in different way.

Just got diagnosed with a new disease which isn't depression. ;__;

I hope so. :) This new diagnosis might even make depression worse, time will tell if I really get stronger... But acceptance is a first step, since this illness isn't going anywhere, ever. It doesn't matter is it this newly diagnosed disease or depression, it will always be part of me in some way or another.

Aww... Lots of hugs to you! :hugs: I hope you're able to find the strength too.

it must be agony to deal with something that will never go away when it comes to health...i know that i get down in the dumps when something even minor happens to me health wise... i am an athletic dude who has been practicing sport all his life since the age 4, had perfect nutrition and rest and i remember when i went to the doc and he diagnosed me with varicose veins in both of my legs(earliest stage of varicose, treatable, barely noticeable)...having this image of health perfection(and having an insanely healthy lifestyle), the moment he told me i got dizzy and nearly fainted , had to sit down to recover...couldn't comprehend how this could happen to me, knowing that i did everything right from the beginning of my life..ofc , it was genetics, my mom/grandma/grandpa all had these and it seems i couldn't be lucky and avoid them.

Since this place seems safe, i guess i can also say that i got diagnosed with a varicocele, which for a man isn't very pleasent and it really messes with your confidence.

What i have must really fade in comparison with what you have, i guess what i have isn't even worthy of being written here...but i do hope that whatever you got diagnosed with won't aggravate/interfere with your life and that somehow you will manage to find happiness and relief despite it

Edited by Throwaway

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I don't know I guess I'm lost.  All she wants is love and happiness and then someone like me comes along that would love to give her those things and she doesn't really want any part of it.  All I want is love and happiness as well.

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