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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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3 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

Yes, that is troubling.  Was it mostly him that said the ugly things, or did you as well?  People do often say things they don't mean when they're angry, but that doesn't make it excusable.  A sincere apology is sometimes in order. I try to follow the Buddhist principle of "right speech"  where you're supposed to ask, before anything you say, "Is it true?"  "Is it necessary?"  "Is it kind?"

I did too, in response to his own ugliness and false accusations towards me. We both apologized, but in the end, it got ugly all over again when I confronted him with the truth, ie, that he used me and took full advantage of me. He then tried to accuse me of using him, when it was the other way around!

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1 minute ago, CoolCat7 said:

Yeah, that's what my mother would always do.  When I told her certain actions of her were abusive towards me, she would say "Well you were abusive towards me!"  She would never have any examples of what I had done though, whereas I had dozens.  She even tried telling me that I was abusive to her WHEN I WAS A CHILD.  Again, no examples.  

I think that's what manipulators do, and certain people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder.  They see what others "do" to them (in their own imaginations at least) but not the cruel actions and words they do to others.

Yes... he does this. He refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, manipulates and twists things around to make me be the bad guy, when alll I did was give to him for four months... I gave him everything I had to give, yet he has the audacity to turn it around and claim that I used and abused him. He's playing the victim when he's the perpetrator! He's the one who refused to really find work for four months while I paid for everything and stressed out over money.... he just played video games and smoked garden shrub all day and night. He's the one who created massive fights with me every single time he drank.... and he wasn't even supposed to be drinking at all because he becomes a total ass/hole every single time. I didn't do everything right in this relationship and could have responded to him differently at times, but he's the one who used and abused me. What a grade A jerk!!! I cannot believe I ever even loved someone who could be this way.

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I went hiking (first time I've hiked before) with my best friend. I wasn't looking forward to it because I've been so miserable. I'm really glad I went though. First time I've felt good in weeks, although I wish I could get away from that uncomfortable feeling that an abnormal person like myself shouldn't be doing normal activities.

I really needed to clear my head. I can't blame my family for all my unhappiness. I'm unhappy with them, but I'm unhappy with myself, too. I need to refocus and do what I can, even when there are roadblocks that I perceive as massive. Maybe I won't feel so miserable in 6 months. In the meantime, while I'm still miserable, I can at least keep trying to move forward.

So...less suicidal.

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1 minute ago, CoolCat7 said:

I'm curious - did you introduce him to any of your friends, who might get to talk to him in depth?  Bad relationships are isolating.

Yeah, I did, but no one talked in depth with him except one friend.

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17 hours ago, sober4life said:

I have these same thoughts myself every day.  I hate that you have to go through this as well.  I search for the answer and I can't seem to find it.  I don't want to be the hermit at all but I begin to feel like there isn't any other way for me either.  The problem is I like people but they don't like me.  Any time I try to be a part of things their attitude is what the hell are you doing here?  You can only take that kind of life for so long before you say fine I won't show up anymore.  I don't need this bulls***!

@sober4life    I hear you loud and clear buddy.  

I hope you have a good night's sleep and a better day on Monday.:hugs:

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thank you, @duck ! Much appreciated.

I am..... I just don't know. I have an interview to prep for today and am not feeling up for it. But this is a job I may want, so I have to go for it. I don't want to give into depression, but I am feeling pretty low. :/

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A guy asked me out and I said yes, though I don't really want to go. I am in no shape to date anyone or really to meet anyone new. He'll probably regret asking me once he learns of my situation in life right now. I really only said yes so that I would have something different to do next weekend. Stupid reason.

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2 Like thisI start to write and there's a Like button here. What?

I have a lot of catching up to do here.

I'm back from a vacation that was fun and at times grueling. We went to NYC. My best friend was there at the same time. My brother and his wife & daughter were there too and we had a lot of fun. It was initially difficult to convince my son that we were NOT going to Coney Island, to the beach. This was not a beach vacation!!!

It was hot and humid and we did a lot of walking. I used up almost the last of the money my mom left me, for this trip. The rest of the money (and it's not much) is tied up in IRAs.  I'll be working until I'm dead.

I dragged my family & best friend to where I was an undergraduate. Well my bestie was there too, so it was fine for her. But I had to check out the stairwells with the ledges that looked out onto the Quad, where I'd watch MyOldFlame's office light.  And the other stairwell, where I could see the street on which he lived. That was part of the purpose of my visit there. To reminisce and let go a little.

I did the letting go, talking to my friend about MOF, loudly enough so that my husband could hear.  And I talked to my husband about MOF--just to make sure he understood that this was a letting go for me. That the secrecy was the worst part of that relationship. It triggered fear and anxiety in me. I told my friend and my husband that when an opportunity arose to contact MOF ten years ago, I chose not to because I wondered if I would keep such contact secret from my husband, my best friend and my therapist? And if so, why would I keep it a secret?

My husband said I'd made the right decision then. I know I did. But good to have validation.

I felt very nostalgic and teary at times. NYC was my home. Born & raised in Brooklyn. What the heck am I doing in the middle of the country? I love the harbor, the rivers, the water. The great flat of the land is beautiful in its own way, but I don't feel it in my marrow, the way I feel the sunset over the harbor, the sunrise over the Atlantic, the swell of water around Manhattan as tides come and go...oh I miss it so much.

 

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Feeling oddly peaceful....Resigned to my condition for the long term, I suppose. I've been reading some Schopenhauer lately and it has been comforting, in a way. His views on art and aesthetics  have particularly resonated.

 

From Wikipedia:

For Schopenhauer, human desiring, "willing", and craving cause suffering or pain. A temporary way to escape this pain is through aesthetic contemplation (a method comparable to Zapffe's "Sublimation"). Aesthetic contemplation allows one to escape this pain—albeit temporarily—because it stops one perceiving the world as mere presentation. Instead, one no longer perceives the world as an object of perception (therefore as subject to the Principle of Sufficient Grounds; time, space and causality) from which one is separated; rather one becomes one with that perception: "one can thus no longer separate the perceiver from the perception" (The World as Will and Representation, section 34). From this immersion with the world one no longer views oneself as an individual who suffers in the world due to one's individual will but, rather, becomes a "subject of cognition" to a perception that is "Pure, will-less, timeless" (section 34) where the essence, "ideas", of the world are shown. Art is the practical consequence of this brief aesthetic contemplation as it attempts to depict one's immersion with the world, thus tries to depict the essence/pure ideas of the world. Music, for Schopenhauer, was the purest form of art because it was the one that depicted the will itself without it appearing as subject to the Principle of Sufficient Grounds, therefore as an individual object. According to Daniel Albright, "Schopenhauer thought that music was the only art that did not merely copy ideas, but actually embodied the will itself".

 

Edited by Tungsten Aromatics
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Almost 10:30pm here and I'm bored out of my mind. Sat around and tried to force myself to write a song but as usual I just kept playing the same things again. Not sure how I'm feeling though on some things. Well, mainly my social life along with relationships in general. I keep getting mad at myself for almost no real reason at all.

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12 minutes ago, Azzurra18 said:

@roadking02   The inspiration will hit you eventually if not tonight.  What worries you the most regarding your social life and relationships?  Is there perhaps a connection between that and why you become angry with yourself

@Azzurra18 What seems to worry me the most is just that when I like someone, ask them out then I'm afraid of screwing things up. I'm always consistently worried I'll do something or say something stupid and literally right then and there things will inevitably be a total mess. 

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@roadking02 - I understand.  We are never responsible for the reactions of others.  We can work hard to make sure we never offend somebody or hurt their feelings, but sometimes we don't really get on with certain people no matter what is said and if it's not meant to be it's better to learn early on in a relationship or friendship.

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@Azzurra18 - Usually it's not because of hurting someone, rather it's me coming off a certain way. Had a bit of a breakdown tonight over a couple things. The fact that I'm not normal and never will be. Stuck trapped at home with my parents because of my medical issues. Angry at myself for losing what I once had... Being happy. Had a good relationship with my family but now it's all nearly dead. Sick and tired of everyone around me having what I want... A social life, girlfriend and just people to be around. I'm constantly told "you're a good looking guy" and all this crap but I sit and wonder what the problem is. Instantly my mind goes directly to blaming it on being born with my hand being messed up and all of the scars all over my body from surgeries. My friend Eric told me that I'm here to be a creative person and to share my music with the world. He told me that I may go through all these surgeries but to just hang on. He told me I may see people around that have what I want, that it may frustrate me but still just to hang on. I'm not sure if I can do that anymore. I really just want to die.

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@roadking02 - I'm really sorry about your breakdown.  Those are no fun, especially at night.  I used to feel the same way regarding being normal, but truthfully there is no normal.  There is only a perception of normal by society, which is boring.  I'm sorry about your medical issues and all the surgeries you had.  You definitely deserve happiness and you can have it again by working on having confidence in who you are and loving yourself.  When things don't work out with a girl, that just simply means it's for the best.  You don't want to have to deal with somebody who is fake or doesn't know what she wants.  

Your friend Eric is awesome.  Please hold onto him.  You CAN do all that he has said.  It may not be easy but difficult and impossible are not synonymous.  

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10 hours ago, EyeC33U said:

Excerpt from a forum discussing right to die as it pertains to 'mental illness

 

 

""As far as the mental illness issue, I can see both sides. Some people are incapable of rational thoughts, and therefore help should probably be administered.

However, let's use an example of a caffe. If you were to go to a caffe every day, and the waitress is rude, the cook spits in your food, you don't like what's on the menu... But you keep going back every day, because you are ment to like the caffe. Everybody is meant to like the caffe. Isn't it rational to not go to the caffe? Isn't it insane to keep going back, and expect different results?

Some people feel like life keeps kicking them, and beating them, but every day they go back, expecting something different. Eventually one would realize that maybe, just maybe it's time to stop going to the caffe. Seems rational to me.

Not everyone likes the menu, and that is ok.""

@EyeC33U  The above was excellent. Thank you.

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