Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

Recommended Posts

it's raining outside and it is cold,summer is over, i can't even comprehend how fast it went...i remember the exact days 10 years ago , sitting in my attic, thinking "only 8 more years until i can get a car/10 more years and i am 20 and i will be a grown man and i will be able to do grown man things and go to the gym and lift heavy weights..."

i remember becoming happy out of every small event that happened...train/plane passing by, my dad allowing me to dig a hole in the garden, letting me plant some seeds and my grandma letting me milk the cow...

i remember my 10th birthday when my dad said "look, now your age is made out of 2 digits, you are big now"

i remember when they marked my height on my bedroom door in my old house and i remember how small i was

i even remember when i was 1 year old and my mom and aunt were taking me on a walk in the stroller in the park...my strolller had a transparent side on the back and i looked and saw my mom leaving and i started crying , asking my aunt where my mom was going....i was still 1 year old and i remember trying to get out of my wooden crib...trying to get on the living room sofa but it was so hard because i did not have the strength and the height...i actually remember the physical struggle and strain it put on my muscles and i was just a kid and couldn't comprehend/think of an easier way to get up...

i am 20 years old, and i feel old...couldn't even **** *** earlier because i realised even the girls in that video were younger than me and it made me cry...what a ******** reason to be sad...

i am so afraid of getting old, of all the opportunities fading, of the life being drained out of me, of the comfort that i still have time to do something...

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel fantastic! Saw an amazing concert last night, topping off my weekend of bliss. I had too much fun. My voice is suffering though from all these shows... it's all raspy now. I sound like Janis Joplin, lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Wisteria said:

So... Now the doctor found out more, ughh... :( At least the specialist and the nurse were kind and understanding. I might need a surgery. ><

I want nothing but the best for you Wisteria.  I want you to have the perfect life and be happy every moment of every day.  That would make me very happy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Felt like I had a relapse over the w/e - slept a lot of it away - after a Friday session with a bad pdoc I've decided to dump.

fwiw, having the courage to make the call is a bit of a victory.  Plus, I maintained my eating and meds.  Making the effort to get back on my feet today for a couple errands.  If that's all I can do, it will have to be good enough.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok so far I feel a bit sedated from my medications they make me so tired but they help my mood. it makes it hard to focus I can't get a hold of my psychiatrist to refill some of my prescriptions its really annoying me. I feel happy though but drugged

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wish I were feeling more drugged. I have a cold, it's settled in my throat and ears. And yes, I'll do sinus rinses.

But I took cold medicine, the kind that is not supposed to put you to sleep, only I fell asleep in the morning after my chat with the nice disability person, on behalf of my son. Had tons of bad dreams. In one of them someone was warning me not to urinate while she was out, or she'd "cut" me. She had a sharp knife. 

I feel a bit better than yesterday, but not enough to go with my original plan, which was to sneak off to the ballpark to see  a makeup game. I know if I'd gone, I would have felt good part of the time and by the time I got home, would feel wretched, BUT guilty and thus drag myself to the grocery store and try to make some dinner instead of letting my husband fend for himself (in my fantasy I don't need to eat dinner, so gorged on ballpark hot dogs am I) (I am a sick human being, what can I say?).

So that's how it would have played out. But the day of rest has got to do me some good. I'm about to go irrigate my sinuses...I have nothing scheduled tomorrow either, so more rest and hopefully the misery will have run its course.

To all who are suffering, my wishes for peace, respite and forward motion. It's going to be better one day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...