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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I guess I have to say would I love me.  I've been hiding in my room drinking for 2 days.

Get thee sober and out of that room! You were doing so well. But I understand where you find yourself right now, obviously.

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42 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I don't completely focus on love but I look in the mirror and I'm attractive.  I also treat people well so I wonder what is wrong with me that nobody ever likes me.  I am never considered by anyone ever.  There is something about me that makes every person have strong hate for me.

We have to learn to love ourselves first before we can share a love with someone else. God loves us, and we can learn to love ourselves through Him. The rest will follow.

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2 minutes ago, Retired said:

We have to learn to love ourselves first before we can share a love with someone else. God loves us, and we can learn to love ourselves through Him. The rest will follow.

I know I can't love myself acting the way I am.  I'm trying to finish myself off drinking like this.  I have a strong hate for me that comes from the hurtful comments of others.  This whole process I have gone through is impossible.  I'm always miserable as whatever this is.  I wish I was born the girl I have always been.  God meant for me to be miserable at day one when he put me in the wrong body.  Why did he do that to me?

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25 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I think I need to leave this place for good because I'm getting strong feelings for someone here.  My feeling will only lead to pain and misery so I need to leave this place for good.  I get so attached to people.  It's part of my BPD I think.  I am constantly dependent on someone but I'm a mess of the highest order.  I destroy everything and everyone in my path because I'm bat crazy!

We're all bat crazy here. That's why we need to keep everyone so we can support each other. Depression comes and goes in cycles. When one is down, the others support them. 

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1 minute ago, sober4life said:

I know I can't love myself acting the way I am.  I'm trying to finish myself off drinking like this.  I have a strong hate for me that comes from the hurtful comments of others.  This whole process I have gone through is impossible.  I'm always miserable as whatever this is.  I wish I was born the girl I have always been.  God meant for me to be miserable at day one when he put me in the wrong body.  Why did he do that to me?

Let go of that hate that's bothered you from others. Look at that beautiful person in the mirror. Be the person you want to be and do the things that make it happen. I've had an amazing feeling when I've done some charity work for those in need who have it much worse than I do. The hugs received are the best medicine!

My uncle drank himself to death and it's not pretty. It's a horrible way to go. Liver disease is painful and a slow agonizing journey to the end. Please stop. We need you here.

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2 minutes ago, Retired said:

Let go of that hate that's bothered you from others. Look at that beautiful person in the mirror. Be the person you want to be and do the things that make it happen. I've had an amazing feeling when I've done some charity work for those in need who have it much worse than I do. The hugs received are the best medicine!

My uncle drank himself to death and it's not pretty. It's a horrible way to go. Liver disease is painful and a slow agonizing journey to the end. Please stop. We need you here.

I don't see a beautiful person in the mirror.  I see a monster.  I see a man and I hate every time I see a man because I'm not a man!

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4 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I think the reason why I hate myself so much is because I look like my dad so every time I look in the mirror I see his devil face.

NO.  You are not your dad.  You are you.   

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I am me.  I'm a good person but when your dad is the devil you live a life thinking what does that make me?  I see what other dads are.  I wish I had that.  My dad punched me in face and knocked out my front teeth when I was 15.  He broke a 2 by 4 on my face.  That's my dad.  I wrecked my car and he said I wish you would have died.

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16 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I think the reason why I hate myself so much is because I look like my dad so every time I look in the mirror I see his devil face.

If you see your dad in the mirror, close your eyes and think of a good time you had in your life. Reopen your eyes and focus your thoughts on that person. You will see her and she's beautiful! 

Believe me I also have bad memories that haunt me. You've got to learn to take control of your life back. Look toward the bright future YOU can make for yourself. Stop with the self fulfilling prophecy of evil and death. You can make the changes and God will help if you let Him.

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4 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I am me.  I'm a good person but when your dad is the devil you live a life thinking what does that make me?  I see what other dads are.  I wish I had that.  My dad punched me in face and knocked out my front teeth when I was 15.  He broke a 2 by 4 on my face.  That's my dad.  I wrecked my car and he said I wish you would have died.

My dad hit me too. I laid him out on the floor when he did that. He didn't know I was a varsity wrestler. 

I put him out of my life for a year and a half. Then I learned to forgive and it took a load off my shoulders. I forgave him, but  will never forget. God helped me through that time. My father saw the change in me, which led him to going to church and eventually became a Christian. He died a much better man than he lived as a younger man. The change in him was remarkable.

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31 minutes ago, sober4life said:

My dad abused me and mom to the point where he gave us both PTSD.  I see him everywhere I go.  I will see him until I die.  He will never change.  He will never be good.  He is a psychopath.  

@sober4life  That really sucks.  Sorry you and your mom went through hell. I hope you and your mom can find some peace.:hugs:

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I think the reason why I hate myself so much is because I look like my dad so every time I look in the mirror I see his devil face.

I have this but with my brother. Sometimes I look myself in the mirror and see that crazed look in my eyes, or that completely cold look, and it reminds me too much of him. And it males me think I won't ever be happy or sane or not a mess - just like him. Part of me understands there's something very wrong mentally with him, part of me wants him obliterated for what he's done - what he still does - to my family.

I wish you didn't have to go through that pain. I wish I wasn't waiting for a sorry that will never come. We are not our families, and I really want to believe that.

I am feeling...that sinking unrest in the pit of my stomach that says things aren't gonna turn out for the better for me. 

 

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

My dad abused me and mom to the point where he gave us both PTSD.  I see him everywhere I go.  I will see him until I die.  He will never change.  He will never be good.  He is a psychopath.  

The important thing is YOU can change. 

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I just sent 36 polka dotted clipboards to my sister in law, who is a second grade teacher in a poor area in the south. Her kids loved them last year, so I think this will be an annual gift to her kids. A little thing that makes me feel good. 

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Update:

Filled grievance today.  Union says  "12-year-old" boss broke a bunch of rules regarding my hours, etc.  Might not have to transfer after all.  Keep, fingers, toes, and eyes crossed. :)

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33 minutes ago, sober4life said:

It's too painful for me to stay here at this point.  I love you all very much but this is my last post here.

I'm so sorry you feel you have no other choice, but you have to do what is right for you. 

You will be missed 

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I'm so angry right now that I'm literally shaking... I had a huge fight with a "friend" earlier because I won't lend her any more money. I've lent her thousands in the past and she NEVER paid me back, always empty promises... "This is the last time you need to help me, I swear, I'll get things in order and will start paying you back soon!" Now I got to hear about how I'm not caring, not a real friend and that the friendship is over if I don't help her. So sick of her emotional blackmail, I'm staying firm this time, real friends don't do that to each other. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner
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29 minutes ago, Ba3inga said:

I'm so sorry you feel you have no other choice, but you have to do what is right for you. 

You will be missed 

I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I can't imagine living a life without you in it.  I know I'm pathetic.

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