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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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People keep telling me to change.  I ask them Change to What?  A woman????  Why they want me to change.  I already told them verbal abuse at work for many years brought back memories of my violent mother and school teachers. I am being attacked by people.  Tell them to change.

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8 minutes ago, duck said:

People keep telling me to change.  I ask them Change to What?  A woman????  Why they want me to change.  I already told them verbal abuse at work for many years brought back memories of my violent mother and school teachers. I am being attacked by people.  Tell them to change.

I think you need to find some work to build some self-esteem and to occupy time. Any work will do for now. If there are circumstances preventing you from working, then please forgive more bad advice. 

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10 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Your love sounds obsessive and unhealthy.  That's not love.

The only love I will ever have is one sided love.  Nobody will ever love me because I'm a monster.  My story is the real beauty and the beast story.  In real life nobody loves the beast.  The beast is the lifelong throwaway.  Eventually the beast kills himself because he is always rejected and thrown away by everyone.

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12 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Now I'm not even sure if I should be going, to be honest.

Go it will be fun.  Try not to think about it too much. 

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14 minutes ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

I think you need to find some work to build some self-esteem and to occupy time. Any work will do for now. If there are circumstances preventing you from working, then please forgive more bad advice. 

My GAF score is only 50 which means I am too ill to work.

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I would do anything to be able to hold her in my arms right now.  I love her so much.  I am a monster that doesn't deserve the happiness with her though.  I don't deserve any happiness I guess.  That's the usual opinion of people.  It's always of course you don't deserve any happiness.

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Stayed a second night for this EEG as they wanted to take me off all of my seizure meds and see what happens. The results from the episode I had while here wasn't seizure activity which means that it's something else. Probably have a different diagnosis now and things are looking to be all heart related. Possibly not enough oxygen is going to my brain or something. Today I am going home no matter what the doctors tell me because of work. I had to take today off.

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8 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

I really do need to watch my drinking. I don't always overdo it, but sometimes when I do, I get into trouble. :/

I always overdo it.  I set records.  I'm sure I'll be whining about love in a few minutes.

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23 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I always overdo it.  I set records.  I'm sure I'll be whining about love in a few minutes.

try to stay away from the alcohol. I am going to try to reduce my intake... it's best for me.

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5 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

try to stay away from the alcohol. I am going to try to reduce my intake... it's best for me.

I try to stay away.  I drink once or twice a month.  The pain of love becomes too much.  Love is never good for me and nobody ever loves me back.  I'm looked at as a monster by the world.  One sided love gets so old but it's the only love I will ever have.  Nobody has ever loved me back in my entire life.

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1 minute ago, sober4life said:

I try to stay away.  I drink once or twice a month.  The pain of love becomes too much.  Love is never good for me and nobody ever loves me back.  I'm looked at as a monster by the world.  One sided love gets so old but it's the only love I will ever have.  Nobody has ever loved me back in my entire life.

maybe try not to focus so much on love and focus on yourself and getting better. that's good that you are only drinking once or twice a month. congrats!

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38 minutes ago, roadking02 said:

Stayed a second night for this EEG as they wanted to take me off all of my seizure meds and see what happens. The results from the episode I had while here wasn't seizure activity which means that it's something else. Probably have a different diagnosis now and things are looking to be all heart related. Possibly not enough oxygen is going to my brain or something. Today I am going home no matter what the doctors tell me because of work. I had to take today off.

I wish you well.  

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4 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

maybe try not to focus so much on love and focus on yourself and getting better. that's good that you are only drinking once or twice a month. congrats!

I don't completely focus on love but I look in the mirror and I'm attractive.  I also treat people well so I wonder what is wrong with me that nobody ever likes me.  I am never considered by anyone ever.  There is something about me that makes every person have strong hate for me.

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3 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I don't completely focus on love but I look in the mirror and I'm attractive.  I also treat people well so I wonder what is wrong with me that nobody ever likes me.  I am never considered by anyone ever.  There is something about me that makes every person have strong hate for me.

That could just be your perception.. I doubt people hate you. You are very sweet. Perhaps it's something to work out in therapy.

Edited by RiverLight

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4 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

That could just be your perception.. I doubt people hate you. You are very sweet. Perhaps it's something to work out in therapy.

This place is different.  This place reminds me of the show The Voice.  You are judged here as the person you really are.  In real life I start as Bigfoot.  That's where it starts with everyone in real life.  If I go somewhere I'm treated like the pet someone brought with them and never a person.

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11 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Breyers ice cream with Reese's peanut butter cups is ah-mazing

Can I like this ten thousand times? 😋

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I think I need to leave this place for good because I'm getting strong feelings for someone here.  My feeling will only lead to pain and misery so I need to leave this place for good.  I get so attached to people.  It's part of my BPD I think.  I am constantly dependent on someone but I'm a mess of the highest order.  I destroy everything and everyone in my path because I'm bat crazy!

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Right now I'm sitting in Starbucks drinking a vente cafe mocha and feeling melancholy. I have a therapy appointment this afternoon I'm not looking forward to since last week's was such a disaster. I know I need therapy and my wife would **** me if I didn't go (figuratively, not literally). Mass this morning was very good and did help my state of mind from where it was this morning. But I dread bringing up all the bad memories of my past. I had trouble sleeping last night and took more medication than I should have to get to sleep. My ambien prescription won't renew until later this week. So I'm not in the best place mentally for this therapy session. 

My anxiety is definitely increasing, so I wonder if this Wellbutrin XL I'm on is starting to be less affective. I'm not feeling any suicidal feelings, thank God. But I worry. We'll see how the day goes. One day at a time!

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