womanofthelight Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 My heart is not in this internet dating thing. I've tried it off and on for years and have had no success whatsoever. I have to get past this thing with my former love. When he communicates with me, he calls me "Beloved" or "Sweetling . . . . " All kinds of terms of endearment that he's probably using with 5 or 6 other women. I had a real blow-out with my mother last week, and have decided to let go any resentment toward her . . . but I feel cautious around her now. People you love really do have the power to disappoint and hurt you. So, I'm a little distant because I just don't trust her not to blurt out something she thinks is hilarious, but I think is cruel. I don't know why nights are so hard for me now. I used to love them. I'm having d.e.a.t.h. wishes, but no intention of offing myself. I ask god/the universe to just take me with him/her/it so that I can leave this physical incarnation behind, but that prayer is never answered. I had my doctor run complete bloodwork on me just to see if I had any lingering weirdness, and no, I do not, though I don't see myself having sex in the next DECADE, if I live that long. I am hug and touch deprived, and don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm withering, and one day soon, "god willing and the creek don't rise," I'll just dry up and blow away. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sober4life Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 The only person strong enough to bring me back is Sarah. She's the only one that can stop this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sober4life Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 (edited) I have no idea how to talk mom again. I was so bad she left. I don't know where she went. I don't know where I went. She came back to the biggest loser ever. I hate myself so much. Everyone I know would be better off if I was dead. Edited June 4, 2017 by sober4life 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladysmurf Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 i left the house it felt like a chore ....im so tired of feeling this way 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sober4life Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Mom left again. She's done with me. I'm done with me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JD4010 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 15 hours ago, Teddy545 said: I feel really sick, I think it's because it's because it turned almost 90F suddenly. I have a headache and nausea, I had a sinuous headache yesterday too though. I'm going to suffer into September because I don't do well in heat & humidity. It's 10 a.m. here and already 83 degrees. Yuck. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JD4010 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 7 hours ago, sober4life said: The only person strong enough to bring me back is Sarah. She's the only one that can stop this. I know how that feels. I've come to terms with being alone I guess. At least I don't have to argue with anyone over what to watch on TV. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sober4life Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 **** it I'm going to drink until the ambulance gets here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JD4010 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 10 minutes ago, sober4life said: **** it I'm going to drink until the ambulance gets here. Be careful, my friend. If you can, stop drinking now... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sober4life Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 You know that's the best thing anyone has ever said to me in my whole life. You and I both know I'm in pure hell now. The devil is trying to **** me. Drinking is trusting someone like dad. Dad is the devil. Dad is the worst person I have ever met in my life. I can't let the devil win. I hate dad so much! He is always the voice I hear. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JD4010 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 2 minutes ago, sober4life said: You know that's the best thing anyone has ever said to me in my whole life. You and I both know I'm in pure hell now. The devil is trying to **** me. Drinking is trusting someone like dad. Dad is the devil. Dad is the worst person I have ever met in my life. I can't let the devil win. I hate dad so much! He is always the voice I hear. Exactly. Don't let that SOB win! He took my parents and keeps working on me too. But, if we have each other's backs, we can defeat his sorry @ss. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sober4life Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 It's hard to call my own dad the devil but he is. He's the most evil person I have ever met. Addiction has taken Amber and Shannon from me. 2 people that I loved more than words. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evalynn Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 I feel pretty awful. I've thrown up twice in the last twelve hours. I also have a terrible headache. The amoxicillin and tylenol with codeine have probably left my system, but I don't know if I should risk taking more. At least my ear isn't aching at the moment (knock on wood). I still can barely hear through it though. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natasha1 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Awful. I will ever be allowed to fix it. Something like that is not fixable so i dont know why i even think about it, hoping that i coukd do it. My parents planned me. What a mistake they made. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
womanofthelight Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Not so, Natasha. I don't know for sure why any of us is here. My mother thinks everything is just random and/or coincidental (I've got to get her out of my head), but you've heard it before, and I'll say it again. The support and guidance you give here could be saving someone's life AS WE SPEAK. You're not a mistake--can it be that none of us is? I believe so. All we need to find is the key to the door of our purpose. That is one mother of an Easter egg hunt. But on those days or hours you feel good, it's REALLY good, isn't it? How do we string those moments all together, or make them more frequent? How do we stay in the moments we feel good? It's an ongoing mystery. Wish I could hug you, but these guys will have to do for now . . . 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natasha1 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Oh WOTL....but i am not all good in what i do. Ive done bad things. I have hurt others. And i cant undo it. It cant be done. And i will be miserable until that happens. So that gives me another 10 to 40 years im guessing...maybe more maybe less...of guilt and knowing. I appreciate everything you said though. Thank you. I need hugs. I never get those except for here so i will take them whether i deserve them or not. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PraiseBrownies Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 I kinda wish I was dead, or at least in a cooler place. Not only is it hot as heck, I'm also exhausted beyond belief and just overall feeling like hot garbage in general. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inglorious Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 35 minutes ago, PraiseBrownies said: I kinda wish I was dead, or at least in a cooler place. Not only is it hot as heck, I'm also exhausted beyond belief and just overall feeling like hot garbage in general. what you expect from new mexico we're 30 miles from water and a foot from hell 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leora Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 I feel pretty good. Well, as good as I can feel with a condition like anhedonia. I'm still questioning if I really have anhedonia, because I still have my feelings, just no ability to feel pleasure. Sometimes I get brief episodes of amusement or happiness though. Those are weird, especially considering the overall lack of pleasure at the moment. I go back and forth pretty regularly about whether I have a problem or if I'm just overreacting and nothing is wrong with me. Still, my best joke right now is having a really good poker face. Under normal circumstances, my poker face is horrible. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realreason Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 things were going alright until they weren't. my best friend got together with the person I liked. They were much better suited. I was just so sick of being lonely. It made me even more lonely. But now I just can't stop thinking about how much I hate myself, and how this self-hatred, my self-sabotage is what makes me unhappy. it makes me feel sick, spending all my time alone with myself. I don't want to be around people because I hate myself. its the end of the (school) year I should be relieved not depressed. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sober4life Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 My heart is broken. I feel completely shattered. I must be the worst person ever. I have never felt worse in my life. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
womanofthelight Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) 15 hours ago, Natasha1 said: Oh WOTL....but i am not all good in what i do. Ive done bad things. I have hurt others. And i cant undo it. It cant be done. And i will be miserable until that happens. So that gives me another 10 to 40 years im guessing...maybe more maybe less...of guilt and knowing. I appreciate everything you said though. Thank you. I need hugs. I never get those except for here so i will take them whether i deserve them or not. I think it was from my now-defunct favorite show tonight in which a character said that when you make bad judgments that lead to painful circumstances, those are "mistakes." When you've deliberately taken action that led to hurting someone, that is a "sin." If you must go over your past, sort your "sins" from your "mistakes" and if it takes the rest of your life to forgive yourself, at least try. You're right. The past is done and cannot be undone. (But that gets me started on alternate realities and the 7 dimensions--not just the three we know of, and I'm off to the vortex!) I don't know what you've done, but I hate to see you carry your regret around like a ball and chain. Guilt is a form of self punishment, and if it's punishment you want, that of course, is your choice. But I'd prefer for you to acknowledge the good in you, because there is so much--and I think that always outweighs any wrongs you've knowingly committed. Wishing you peace, rest and a new start tomorrow morning. Edited June 5, 2017 by womanofthelight spelling 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sober4life Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I'm going to cut myself off from the world completely at this point. I can't handle any more pain. I'm going to spend the rest of my life in bed. Maybe I can dream someone up because that's the only way I'm ever going to have someone in my life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azealia Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Lonely. @sober4life @PraiseBrownies @evalynn @Realreason @Natasha1 and all the rest of you (((( hugs )))) None of you are "the worst person that ever lived" etc etc... I know, because I've been here a while and I have experienced the bad people in life, and THAT IS NOT ANY OF YOU ! That said, I feel you. Obviously. Please stay safe y'all, I always keep you guys in my thoughts even though I haven't been here much recently. Many hugs and kisses! 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladysmurf Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 worthless, like i want to give up 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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