Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

Recommended Posts

My heart is not in this internet dating thing.  I've tried it off and on for years and have had no success whatsoever. 

I have to get past this thing with my former love.  When he communicates with me, he calls me "Beloved" or "Sweetling . . . . "  All kinds of terms of endearment that he's probably using with 5 or 6 other women. 

I had a real blow-out with my mother last week, and have decided to let go any resentment toward her . . . but I feel cautious around her now.  People you love really do have the power to disappoint and hurt you.  So, I'm a little distant because I just don't trust her not to blurt out something she thinks is hilarious, but I think is cruel. 

I don't know why nights are so hard for me now.  I used to love them.  I'm having d.e.a.t.h. wishes, but no intention of offing myself.  I ask god/the universe to just take me with him/her/it so that I can leave this physical incarnation behind, but that prayer is never answered.  I had my doctor run complete bloodwork on me just to see if I had any lingering weirdness, and no, I do not, though I don't see myself having sex in the next DECADE, if I live that long.  I am hug and touch deprived, and don't know what to do about it.  I feel like I'm withering, and one day soon, "god willing and the creek don't rise," I'll just dry up and blow away.   

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have no idea how to talk mom again.  I was so bad she left.  I don't know where she went.  I don't know where I went.  She came back to the biggest loser ever.  I hate myself so much.  Everyone I know would be better off if I was dead.

Edited by sober4life

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Teddy545 said:

I feel really sick, I think it's because it's because it turned almost 90F suddenly.  I have a headache and nausea, I had a sinuous headache yesterday too though.

I'm going to suffer into September because I don't do well in heat & humidity. It's 10 a.m. here and already 83 degrees. Yuck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, sober4life said:

The only person strong enough to bring me back is Sarah.  She's the only one that can stop this.

I know how that feels. I've come to terms with being alone I guess. At least I don't have to argue with anyone over what to watch on TV.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know that's the best thing anyone has ever said to me in my whole life.  You and I both know I'm in pure hell now.  The devil is trying to **** me.  Drinking is trusting someone like dad.  Dad is the devil.  Dad is the worst person I have ever met in my life.  I can't let the devil win.  I hate dad so much!  He is always the voice I hear.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

You know that's the best thing anyone has ever said to me in my whole life.  You and I both know I'm in pure hell now.  The devil is trying to **** me.  Drinking is trusting someone like dad.  Dad is the devil.  Dad is the worst person I have ever met in my life.  I can't let the devil win.  I hate dad so much!  He is always the voice I hear.

Exactly. Don't let that SOB win! He took my parents and keeps working on me too. But, if we have each other's backs, we can defeat his sorry @ss.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel pretty awful. I've thrown up twice in the last twelve hours. I also have a terrible headache. The amoxicillin and tylenol with codeine have probably left my system, but I don't know if I should risk taking more. At least my ear isn't aching at the moment (knock on wood). I still can barely hear through it though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not so, Natasha.  I don't know for sure why any of us is here.  My mother thinks everything is just random and/or coincidental (I've got to get her out of my head), but you've heard it before, and I'll say it again.  The support and guidance you give here could be saving someone's life AS WE SPEAK.   You're not a mistake--can it be that none of us is?  I believe so.  All we need to find is the key to the door of our purpose.  That is one mother of an Easter egg hunt.  But on those days or hours you feel good, it's REALLY good, isn't it?  How do we string those moments all together, or make them more frequent?  How do we stay in the moments we feel good?  It's an ongoing mystery. 

Wish I could hug you, but these guys will have to do for now . . . :hugs:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh WOTL....but i am not all good in what i do. Ive done bad things. I have hurt others. And i cant undo it. It cant be done. And i will be miserable until that happens. So that gives me another 10 to 40 years im guessing...maybe more maybe less...of guilt and knowing.

I appreciate everything you said though. Thank you. I need hugs. I never get those except for here so i will take them whether i deserve them or not.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
35 minutes ago, PraiseBrownies said:

I kinda wish I was dead, or at least in a cooler place.  Not only is it hot as heck, I'm also exhausted beyond belief and just overall feeling like hot garbage in general.

what you expect from new mexico we're 30 miles from water and a foot from hell

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel pretty good. Well, as good as I can feel with a condition like anhedonia. I'm still questioning if I really have anhedonia, because I still have my feelings, just no ability to feel pleasure. Sometimes I get brief episodes of amusement or happiness though. Those are weird, especially considering the overall lack of pleasure at the moment. I go back and forth pretty regularly about whether I have a problem or if I'm just overreacting and nothing is wrong with me.

Still, my best joke right now is having a really good poker face. Under normal circumstances, my poker face is horrible.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

things were going alright until they weren't. my best friend got together with the person I liked. They were much better suited. I was just so sick of being lonely. It made me even more lonely. But now I just can't stop thinking about how much I hate myself, and how this self-hatred, my self-sabotage is what makes me unhappy. it makes me feel sick, spending all my time alone with myself. I don't want to be around people because I hate myself. its the end of the (school) year I should be relieved not depressed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

Oh WOTL....but i am not all good in what i do. Ive done bad things. I have hurt others. And i cant undo it. It cant be done. And i will be miserable until that happens. So that gives me another 10 to 40 years im guessing...maybe more maybe less...of guilt and knowing.

I appreciate everything you said though. Thank you. I need hugs. I never get those except for here so i will take them whether i deserve them or not.

I think it was from my now-defunct favorite show tonight in which a character said that when you make bad judgments that lead to painful circumstances, those are "mistakes."  When you've deliberately taken action that led to hurting someone, that is a "sin."  If you must go over your past, sort your "sins" from your "mistakes" and if it takes the rest of your life to forgive yourself, at least try.  You're right.  The past is done and cannot be undone.  (But that gets me started on alternate realities and the 7 dimensions--not just the three we know of, and I'm off to the vortex!)  I don't know what you've done, but I hate to see you carry your regret around like a ball and chain.

Guilt is a form of self punishment, and if it's punishment you want, that of course, is your choice.  But I'd prefer for you to acknowledge the good in you, because there is so much--and I think that always outweighs any wrongs you've knowingly committed.

Wishing you peace, rest and a new start tomorrow morning.

Edited by womanofthelight
spelling

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm going to cut myself off from the world completely at this point.  I can't handle any more pain.  I'm going to spend the rest of my life in bed.  Maybe I can dream someone up because that's the only way I'm ever going to have someone in my life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lonely.

@sober4life @PraiseBrownies @evalynn @Realreason @Natasha1 and all the rest of you (((( hugs )))) None of you are "the worst person that ever lived" etc etc... I know, because I've been here a while and I have experienced the bad people in life, and THAT IS NOT ANY OF YOU ! That said, I feel you. Obviously. Please stay safe y'all, I always keep you guys in my thoughts even though I haven't been here much recently. Many hugs and kisses!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...