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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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Upset with myself and frustrated with the life I made for myself. Im so bad everyone is doing better off in life than me, I can never be successful like everyone else im a joke 26 single living with my parents making minimum  wage with lots of debt. I have nothing and want everyone out of my life who knows that im a failure.

Edited by scienceguy

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I have destroyed my relationships with my mother, my father, my sister, Im a horrible person and im probably going to end up being homeless one day or dying alone as a angry hermit. i really do not like myself tonight.

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I was homeless at one point.  I remember back in those days a good day was when the potato chip factory threw out expired chips that I ate out of the dumpster.  Unfortunately I have destroyed every relationship in my life as well.  Everyone is done with me at this point.  I'm done with me too to be honest.  I've put enough time into this load of I call myself.  In life people are just human.  I have to put out effort to appear to be human but I'm most certainly not human.

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I've reached a new low, and I'm trapped in a destructive cycle.I feel like I want this to all be over, and thinking about that is just bringing me down more.

I think about those in my life who I love, and I want to be there...not like this though.

I just wish they could understand. Sure, there's plenty of people in the world who's life has been much harder, and far more traumatic than anything I've endured, but it doesn't matter. This thing has attached itself to me, and it's draining me. I can't help but feel completely miserable, and hopeless basically 24/7. 

They just tell me to "Get over it, and be happy, because there's nothing to be upset about. Stop bringing everyone else down." I realize that sometimes, there is no reason for me to be moaping around, and if I could stop, I would. It's like telling a blind person to "Just open your eyes and see." Sure, they may be able to open their eyes, in fact, they may already be open, but that doesn't mean they are ever going to be able to see. It just doesn't work like that.

What I have told those who have that view, is to quit bagging on me, or any other depressed person. It certainly isn't going to help, and I can guarantee that if there wasn't a reason for them to be down, you just created one.

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After drinking two enormous glasses of sauvignon blanc and listening to the Specials Man at C & A's

I feel aloof from myself. Watching our kitty looking at birds through the glazed balcony.

I'm living in the moment. I wouldn't mind dying right now.

 

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I would love to be a positive force here but every day I fear that too much damage has been done to me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  The distance between who I am when I'm doing well compared to who I am when I am bad keeps getting farther and farther apart.  I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of a total meltdown.  I'm a simple person.  I want to be loved and have someone I can show love and devotion to every day.  That's it really.  Someone gets like me desperate for finding love because of many years of going through horrible abuse by tons of people.  You think there has to be someone good out there I have to find them and I just end up finding monster after monster.  At some point I will just give up and hide in my room afraid of the world and never come out again.:sniffle1:

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13 hours ago, sober4life said:

I was homeless at one point.  I remember back in those days a good day was when the potato chip factory threw out expired chips that I ate out of the dumpster.  Unfortunately I have destroyed every relationship in my life as well.  Everyone is done with me at this point.  I'm done with me too to be honest.  I've put enough time into this load of I call myself.  In life people are just human.  I have to put out effort to appear to be human but I'm most certainly not human.

Or..

We ARE human.

The others aren't.

Take care, @sober4life.

Edited by samadhiSheol

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27 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Still in there, chugging away, like a plucky not so little engine that could but hasn't yet but might someday, or maybe not.

Ha! That's poetry, my friend!

I'm still chugging away too. But I think the dude shovelling coal into my boiler is about to go on strike. At least my anxiety level is low.

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11 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

Or..

We ARE human.

The others aren't.

 

 

That thought has been in the back of my head for decades. How other people manage to stay in the groove and seem happy has always mystified me.

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The truth of it is I am a good person.  The voices of the people that have destroyed me over the years never go away.  Then I was stupid enough to talk to dad.  You always hope that when you are talking about a parent there is some goodness in them so you give them a chance over and over again hoping one day you will be talking to a person.  With him it will never happen again.  There will never be any good in him!

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I would love to be a positive force here but every day I fear that too much damage has been done to me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  The distance between who I am when I'm doing well compared to who I am when I am bad keeps getting farther and farther apart.  I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of a total meltdown.  I'm a simple person.  I want to be loved and have someone I can show love and devotion to every day.  That's it really.  Someone gets like me desperate for finding love because of many years of going through horrible abuse by tons of people.  You think there has to be someone good out there I have to find them and I just end up finding monster after monster.  At some point I will just give up and hide in my room afraid of the world and never come out again.:sniffle1:

You ARE a positive force. Here you are for sure.

Rooting for you, sober.

 

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My life would be better if I was treated the same way in real life as I'm treated here.  I see real caring from people here which I never get in real life.  I care about people here and they care about me.  In real life nobody would even care if I died.  That's why it's sometimes hard to take help I get from here into real life because when I go away from here it's like I'm going to a totally different world.  It's so hard for me to understand how the people here and the people in real life are even from the same species.:sniffle1:

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I wish I could move forward .....this chronic pain has me staying in bed crying ...you grow up thinking life will be beautiful and peaceful, only for it to filled with misery...:sniffle1:

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Kind of having an 'a-ha' moment. The last two weeks or so, I've been spiraling back down into anhedonia and sleeping way too much every other day or every few days. It seems like I have only been able to pull myself out of it briefly when I have appointments, but not for any of the things I had started planning and wanting to do again just before.

I was blaming medication, because I couldn't think of anything else that could have happened. But that didn't really feel completely right, because when I'm awake and get myself out of the house, I feel a lot better than I have in years, which I think is the medication. Though the medication might have something to do with it, I just realized that it's also probably to do with my way of learning & understanding things. I really enjoyed the intensive outpatient program I did that used CBT/DBT/ACT. It really made a lot of sense to me and helped me figure some basic things out that have contributed to my depression/anxiety. But after I felt like I understood the theories behind those therapies, I kind of lost interest in putting the tools into practice.

I think there's a little bit of - I logically understand how those therapies work, so they should just be automatic for me now - and a little bit of - practicing these is work, sometimes really hard work, and I'm tired of doing this alone and just want to be better. And I don't have a great history of following through with things.

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On 5/20/2017 at 0:14 AM, Dolphin2013 said:

I'm exhausted.

demands from my son, yesterday. Today, work. Tomorrow work.

And to make matters worse, there's thunder and lightning. I hope I can get some good sleep.

MyOldFlame enters my brain when I'm tired and I am like a moth to flame. Wish me luck falling asleep.

If we weren't burned at the stake for attaching links, I'd send you one to a REALLY cool song.  Go to YouTube and type in:

The Moth & The Flame with lyrics - Les Deux Love Orchestra

"The moth don't care when he sees the flame.
He might get burned but he's in the game.
And once he's in he can't go back.
He'll beat his wings till he burns them black.
No, the moth don't care when he sees the flame . . . "

Oddly, it helps me understand my obsession(s) better so that I can stand back and see them clearly.  It may not have that effect on you, but please know I'm thinking of you, wishing you peace, and good sleep through a dark storm.

xo,

WOTL

 

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I took a shower so I feel 50% better. I just wish I had more interesting things to do at night while I'm not sleeping. Getting lost in my own thoughts is a trap.

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6 hours ago, skblue said:

Kind of having an 'a-ha' moment. The last two weeks or so, I've been spiraling back down into anhedonia and sleeping way too much every other day or every few days. It seems like I have only been able to pull myself out of it briefly when I have appointments, but not for any of the things I had started planning and wanting to do again just before.

I was blaming medication, because I couldn't think of anything else that could have happened. But that didn't really feel completely right, because when I'm awake and get myself out of the house, I feel a lot better than I have in years, which I think is the medication. Though the medication might have something to do with it, I just realized that it's also probably to do with my way of learning & understanding things. I really enjoyed the intensive outpatient program I did that used CBT/DBT/ACT. It really made a lot of sense to me and helped me figure some basic things out that have contributed to my depression/anxiety. But after I felt like I understood the theories behind those therapies, I kind of lost interest in putting the tools into practice.

I think there's a little bit of - I logically understand how those therapies work, so they should just be automatic for me now - and a little bit of - practicing these is work, sometimes really hard work, and I'm tired of doing this alone and just want to be better. And I don't have a great history of following through with things.

Hi SK.  Yes, it does take practice, and I, like you, tend to let it slide.  My approach is mindfulness (it has helped me the most) but I get away from it, usually, when I am feeling OK - I guess I think "I don't need that anymore".  Then it comes back and bites me. It has to be practiced everyday, and, in fact, at every moment of the day, I find.

Best of luck!

Brian

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I feel "OK". My anxiety has been greatly reduced by my..."alternative" therapy. I'm interacting with people more and my sense of humor is slowly coming back. I haven't fallen into the deep dark abyss of depression for at least 2 weeks now.

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