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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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On the way to my MRI and cardiologist appointment. The MRI is actually at 10:15am and could last until 1:30pm. See the doctor at 2:30pm so this is going to take my whole day. Listening to the Blade Runner OST to be taken away from the world while all this goes on. Always one thing after the other. Hopefully today I get some answers though.

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I don't know. I feel apathetic I guess. We are moving offices and I'm supposed to be all packed up by now. As is usual for me, I haven't even started. The only thing I do "well" in this life is procrastinate.

I've got some kind of stomach bug too. Just enough to make me feel crappy and weak. Not enough to stay home in bed though. Bleh.

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This will be the worst I have ever been at work.  I'm so drained and wore out from everything I just need to hide at the moment.  I doubt I will even remember working today.

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13 hours ago, S_A_P_P_Y said:

Hang in there. Tomorrow is a new day. A new chance for something good to possibly happen. I have to keep telling myself that... forget about yesterday, today is a "blank canvas...an un exposed roll of film" My day started awful, but it turned out to be an alright day. I've found even sub dividing the day can help to turn things around.

❤️

I wish I could believe that, but I lost hope a long time ago....but thanks...

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So I sat at the day program for a few hours, waiting for the doc.

He was a no show, the nurse was on a war path. I appreciated her concern, at least she cared.

It's a bit disheartening when they tell you over and over that if you need the help, ask. Which I did now and then he's a no show. Doesn't help how I feel about myself to begin with.

Guess that's me told.

Edited by Tux

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1 hour ago, CoolCat7 said:

Onward to the shower and tub, to tackle 1 year and 8 months worth of mildew.  The tub has been cleaned a few times, but not the tiles.

Yes I'm going to keep you posted every inch of the way.  ;-)

 

I recommend a stiff bristled brush, some bleach cleaner w/pumice (Comet/Ajax), and some Mr. Clean "magic erasers"

Use the bleach/pumice cleaner with the brush on the grout, and for overall clean, then rinse and get the leftovers/deep stains, and buff out water spots with the magic eraser. I use this all the time, in addition to having used it to clean a bathroom that my roommates in trade school neglected for 2 years. It works great, gets things looking like new.

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Got back from my cardiologist appointment and I am in a tricky spot. Still on restrictions so I might lose my job but onto what's important. I got some answers for what's wrong with my heart and some other things. Good news is that my aortic valve is working, bad news is that the root of the valve is tearing. Currently the root is 4.4mm in size. Once it reaches 4.5mm then surgery talk starts. Yet here's when things start to get scary. I weigh 104 and am only 5'6in and because of me being so small 4.4mm for the root may be needed to be repaired now. Every human heart is different. Someone like my Dad may have an aortic root that is 4.3mm and he's a fairly large person. That could be considered perfectly normal for him. With me being so small my doctor is talking to pediatricians about what to do. The plan for now is to take medication for blood pressure in an attempt to hold off surgery for as long as possible.

Onto some other stuff. This may shed some light on why I (and others here) am depressed and have anxiety issues. I spoke to a social worker at the heart institute who talked with me about a couple different things. Asked if I was depressed, if I had anxiety issues and what kind of problems I was experiencing. Mostly social anxiety. When she asked about my medical issues and the amount of surgeries I've had things she asked me how old I was during most of them. By the age of only two years old I had 20 surgeries. Then she explained that those traumatic events could at the core be why I've become so depressed and why I have these anxiety problems as an adult. Reason? Your brain as a kid (especially at the age of two) hears "you're going to have surgery" but it doesn't process it as an adult brain would.

For work I asked a few questions about disability. How to get it, how it would effect me in an instance like if I moved out and things like that. Reason I ask is because if my current job cannot accommodate me then I'm out of luck here. Right now though it's a waiting game. Waiting to see if they can offer me another position or if they even will. How do I feel about all of this? Alone. When the time comes for this surgery, this would be the one that most likely means the end.

Edited by roadking02

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That's interesting about the surgery at a young age. It makes sense though. ?'s traumatic.

Im feeling anxious. It's a deep yearning for things to go back to a way they once were, although I have no idea what that is.

 

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not that great either. it's the weekend i should be out enjoying myself, but I'm stuck in bed because my whole body is in pain and I didn't sleep last night.....and nothing seems enjoyable or exciting anymore...:sniffle1:

well i hope everyone else tries to enjoy their weekend .....:thumbsup:

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I don't enjoy anything anymore either.  Honestly I go out and try to enjoy the weekend and just come back.  I never feel like there is a place for me outside this house.  Right now my honest thought is surely in life I have made someone in my past mad enough to where they will kick in my door and shoot me and put me out of my misery.  The truth is I haven't done that.  Nobody even remembers or cares that I'm alive.

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I have turned my phone off for two days to avoid being stuck to come in on my days off from work I feel like a bit of a jerk but im the go to guy to cover everyone's shift I need to have my days off to recuperate from running around allday at work. I am getting a new psych and therapist on june 8th I won't be able to fill my effexor until then and have started to wean my self off instead of going cold turkey to see if that helps with the withdraws. I finally got a new birth certificate and renewed my licence to im going to start looking for a career again this monday.

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Not a great few weeks , I have PSTD , depression , anxiety due to having an alcoholic , rageaholic , paraniod father growing up he was also prone  to violence , we moved 21 times by age 13 I was bullied at school no where was safe . I started working young because we had no money cause my father was an ***** . I was attacked physically on the street on my way to work at age 21 by a mentally ill stranger . Walked home though a riot after work no bus service because the drivers were getting pulled of the buses and beaten ( I worked in a crime ridden neighborhood at the height of the crack epidemic in NYC) .Later some angry client set the office I worked at on fire with us in it ,fast moving blaze. I was robbed at gunpoint ,gun held to my head . I always could dissociate so I could think and it saved my life many times but you know after many years it becomes a poison to the mind , eventually I had a breakdown , I had children and my husband quit his job with each birth I had the breakdown after the second I went into CBT therapy it helped . One of my kids has a LD and the other tourettes and anxiety . I have given both the upbringing I didn't get , great education and  a stable home . Now I've hit menopause and major mood swings galore , rages , depression , fatigue , bad muscle aches and bone pains and my GYN perscribed me BC pills and prozac  . For the past 20 yrs I've been hyperthyroid which can contribute to anxiety of which I have ,  so recently I had a physical and a thyroid biopsy done usually the tests come back good but this time no , looks like I may have cancer I go for another biopsy in a few weeks to genetically test it , I and also have developed a serious vitamin D deficiency ( explains the pain I've been in) , a B12 deficiency and an iron deficiency . . . That explains alot of my physical symptoms , I was in great shape , I exercised hard to try to keep my brain in shape , it helped with anxiety , depression and the PSTD , suddenly about a year ago I couldn't do it much any more , I force myself to exercise now and it's not as often I'm too tired , I lost interest in hobbies I loved , photography , kayaking , hiking , running , gardening and even if I got the energy to do it I mentally can't go there because of the depression . I only keep the house clean go to work come home and self medicate . I give up , I've always tried my best to make things better for myself and the people around me but I'm done trying . Right now I'm just frozen until I get mentally online again , if I can that is . I've finally lost the fight , I'm exhausted . I hope when I'm physically well again I can pick myself back up . I feel like I'm dead . That's all , I don't want any advice I just needed to vent , thanks

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Tired and low.

I am a walking time bomb and thanks to DBT I am very aware of it.

I suppose I had a minor victory as once the hubby pushed the final button I could cope with (by sheer innocence/tiredness not intended to kick me off) I responded by giving him an apology for going to lose the plot in 3 ...2 ...1 and BOOM.

And now I just feel like crap because he didn't really deserve me shouting at him or losing my rag over the previous past days. It just came out.  Neither did my little one.

I haven't been a nice person lately, I shout a lot and have a very short fuse.

Not liking myself a lot at the moment.

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I worked six part-time days in a row this week. Today's a day off. Next week it will be similar. I'm working a lot of Sundays which is a 5.25 hour shift. Many of the evening shifts are 3.5 hours and the morning and afternoon ones are usually 4.25 hours. 

So, I'm making some money, but it's only minimum wage--maybe a little more. Very little. Still, I'm okay with this job. I'm glad not to be a manager, and only responsible for myself for the most part. 

I wanted to clean our back porch but I think it needs to be power-washed and I'll need a power-washer for that. I bought seat cushions to make our back porch furniture more comfortable.  It's that time of the year in the Midwest when it's not too hot out yet and the insects aren't too bad. And spending time outdoors seems not only possible, but desirable.

My husband will be going to visit his brother later this week. I worry about him driving--it's a long trip, but he's done it before. He'll be very careful. I have no desire at this point to stock up on "bad" food to eat while he's gone.  I think the last time, it was in December and I was not working yet.

I hope @samadhiSheol, you know that I think you can beat this thing. Don't let it beat you. You too @ladysmurf! Just thinking of you and everyone here...sending dolphin hugs from the middle of the map...

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

 

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It's.. I cannot clear my mind enough to say any reasonable words.. Argument with my partner lead me to a panic attack. I had almost forgotten this terrible feeling, fought it off at least a year ago. 

Now, hours later he tries to act like nothing happened, like he never set me down with his words, making me humble. Being all kind and loving again.

Something broke totally in me. I feel like crying but I am able to somewhat hide the feeling. I am so confused, tired, haunted by old memories..I feel being unable to recover, to heal. It's all shattered. I am confused. Longing for the "safe&held" feeling like a little child. Comfort, empathy, kindness, wisdom. 

Sorry for the confusing unrelated words. I feel so alone, so sorrow and just unable to hold everything hidden inside of me at the moment. Just need to talk.

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I feel guilty for my pathetic work performance.  Some people would say well he still paid you and said to come back again.  I can tell he's getting fed up with me though.  From the beginning I have felt like I wasn't doing a good enough job so I don't know if I should keep working for him or quit and hope he finds someone better.

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1 hour ago, Lindter said:

It's.. I cannot clear my mind enough to say any reasonable words.. Argument with my partner lead me to a panic attack. I had almost forgotten this terrible feeling, fought it off at least a year ago. 

Now, hours later he tries to act like nothing happened, like he never set me down with his words, making me humble. Being all kind and loving again.

Something broke totally in me. I feel like crying but I am able to somewhat hide the feeling. I am so confused, tired, haunted by old memories..I feel being unable to recover, to heal. It's all shattered. I am confused. Longing for the "safe&held" feeling like a little child. Comfort, empathy, kindness, wisdom. 

Sorry for the confusing unrelated words. I feel so alone, so sorrow and just unable to hold everything hidden inside of me at the moment. Just need to talk.

I understand exactly how you feel.:icon12:

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8 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I feel guilty for my pathetic work performance.  Some people would say well he still paid you and said to come back again.  I can tell he's getting fed up with me though.  From the beginning I have felt like I wasn't doing a good enough job so I don't know if I should keep working for him or quit and hope he finds someone better.

@sober4life I get that. But the same people keep calling me time and time again for work. 

I think often we hold ourselves to an unreasonable standard, far beyond anyone else's expectations.

Edited by S_A_P_P_Y

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12 hours ago, Sideofbacon said:

Not a great few weeks , I have PSTD , depression , anxiety due to having an alcoholic , rageaholic , paraniod father growing up he was also prone  to violence , we moved 21 times by age 13 I was bullied at school no where was safe . I started working young because we had no money cause my father was an ***** . I was attacked physically on the street on my way to work at age 21 by a mentally ill stranger . Walked home though a riot after work no bus service because the drivers were getting pulled of the buses and beaten ( I worked in a crime ridden neighborhood at the height of the crack epidemic in NYC) .Later some angry client set the office I worked at on fire with us in it ,fast moving blaze. I was robbed at gunpoint ,gun held to my head . I always could dissociate so I could think and it saved my life many times but you know after many years it becomes a poison to the mind , eventually I had a breakdown , I had children and my husband quit his job with each birth I had the breakdown after the second I went into CBT therapy it helped . One of my kids has a LD and the other tourettes and anxiety . I have given both the upbringing I didn't get , great education and  a stable home . Now I've hit menopause and major mood swings galore , rages , depression , fatigue , bad muscle aches and bone pains and my GYN perscribed me BC pills and prozac  . For the past 20 yrs I've been hyperthyroid which can contribute to anxiety of which I have ,  so recently I had a physical and a thyroid biopsy done usually the tests come back good but this time no , looks like I may have cancer I go for another biopsy in a few weeks to genetically test it , I and also have developed a serious vitamin D deficiency ( explains the pain I've been in) , a B12 deficiency and an iron deficiency . . . That explains alot of my physical symptoms , I was in great shape , I exercised hard to try to keep my brain in shape , it helped with anxiety , depression and the PSTD , suddenly about a year ago I couldn't do it much any more , I force myself to exercise now and it's not as often I'm too tired , I lost interest in hobbies I loved , photography , kayaking , hiking , running , gardening and even if I got the energy to do it I mentally can't go there because of the depression . I only keep the house clean go to work come home and self medicate . I give up , I've always tried my best to make things better for myself and the people around me but I'm done trying . Right now I'm just frozen until I get mentally online again , if I can that is . I've finally lost the fight , I'm exhausted . I hope when I'm physically well again I can pick myself back up . I feel like I'm dead . That's all , I don't want any advice I just needed to vent , thanks

No advice, here, my dear sideofbacon, but, I just have to say that you inspire me, with what you have been through and what you have accomplished!  A triumphant tale was what I read in your post.  I believe there is hope in that, for you!  

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