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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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A bit paranoid and discouraged. I wanted to edit my first post here, because I feel I've shared too much personal information, and found out it's not possible anymore... It was a huge step for me to start posting content online, as I'm usually just a passive reader and haven't been an active internet user for years. But now I'm troubled that someone might figure out who's hiding behind this nickname.:unsure: 

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Relieved and all the, idk, exhaustion that comes with it.  I somehow survived the damn move.

I'd had almost no sleep the night prior and the movers showed up early, me stumbling in a fog to answer the door.  I was able to go for a couple hours still packing things while they worked, but eventually settled myself in the car to try to doze off (which didn't work).  Starbuck's Double Shot kept me going after that.  I still found myself wondering how I could do the deed, so to speak, in the midst of all this.

It all took six hours of hell.  But I'm surprised at what I accomplished in the next 24.  I was crucial to get the basic bedroom setup done first and then the office.  Maybe it helped that both my internet and satellite techs were schedule simultaneously Monday morning so I had the encouragement to set up my tech, wires and all.  All was done by noon.  Crashed for the afternoon and then back over to the old house in the evening for stray items and, if I do say so, a meticulous vacuuming.  With all my communication back up, I took the day completely off today...boxes everywhere, car still filled.

Since this is about "how do you feel," the LACK of stress I now feel is the most palpable contrast with the past seven months.  Coming down is a helluva adjustment.  My thoughts, a radical change in the past 48, are now that, well, I have a lot to do to settle here but I have all month to do it at a relaxed pace.  So, too, as I sort it all out, there's plenty of stuff I can discard or send off to a thrift shop.

(Kitty has been calm because he had his usual run of the house and yard on moving day, except for the five minutes in the carrier to get over here.  He's now highly curious about this new location.  He's made himself at home already, probably because he knows that the Mommy Substitute is not going to abandon him and that I took care to make sure the bedroom, The Big Nest, was set up before bringing him over.

As I mentioned in a previous post, y'all on DF are about the only support/outlet I've had in the past week.

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Guess who's been admitted to the hospital? 

Yours truly. Apparently I was "high-risk" and they tossed me in the hospital. Nothing like hours of waiting in an overly hot hospital gown for...I don't know.

Wish me luck. I hope I get to go to school tomorrow, because I was taken out at noon today. 7 hours away from home and school.

I feel terrible.

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1 hour ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Guess who's been admitted to the hospital? 

Yours truly. Apparently I was "high-risk" and they tossed me in the hospital. Nothing like hours of waiting in an overly hot hospital gown for...I don't know.

Wish me luck. I hope I get to go to school tomorrow, because I was taken out at noon today. 7 hours away from home and school.

I feel terrible.

I hope you can get out soon, but with a plan for treatment. Now, who's  the "they"that tossed you in the hospital?

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1 hour ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Guess who's been admitted to the hospital? 

Yours truly. Apparently I was "high-risk" and they tossed me in the hospital. Nothing like hours of waiting in an overly hot hospital gown for...I don't know.

Wish me luck. I hope I get to go to school tomorrow, because I was taken out at noon today. 7 hours away from home and school.

I feel terrible.

:hugs:

 

I feel tired, numb, and overwhelmed.

 

- KS

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I feel a bit worn out and alone. And almost resentful of the brief times I feel hopeful and positive because then I remember that I still have a lot of work to do and how long this process is and I just want to be done with it and feel "normal".

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Wanna hear something funny?

Did some grocery shopping this morning (no, that's not the funny part), came home, made myself a french vanilla latte and then go to wrap a blanket around me because it's cold and coffee goes flying all over my laptop, my clean couch cover and the floor.  Rush out for some towels, throw one on the laptop and one on the floor and proceed to mop up the lovely sticky sweet mess.  In the process I knock off one of the keys on my keyboard, swear a little, finish cleaning the mess and try to put my key back on.  Fiddle about trying to clip the white bits back on, snap on the key and it doesn't push properly.  Take it off, notice the little rubber bit is missing, swear a bit more and thinking I may have mopped it up with the floor towel which I shook out the back, I proceed to crawl around in the long grass looking for it. (Are you laughing yet? my son would be, if he was home).  Realized how ridiculous this was, went back inside and took a rubber thingy off another key that I don't use to put on my F5 key.  Now I have 2 broken keys.  Fiddle around a bit more with the stupid clips, decide to look around on the floor in case I didn't throw it out (should have done this first) and found it!  Fiddle around some more and 1 1/2hrs after flinging my coffee across the room, both keys are back on the keyboard!

Think I'll go mow the lawn now......hugs to everyone, have a nice day:smilingteeth:

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Nervous. Very nervous. First dbt class tomorrow. No idea what to expect.

@CoolCat7 your landlord needs to give his head a shake. When we sold our condo years ago my husband spent 3 days literally to clean from top to bottom...all day too. I felt awful as i had to work. 

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56 minutes ago, Natasha1 said:

Nervous. Very nervous. First dbt class tomorrow. No idea what to expect.

@CoolCat7 your landlord needs to give his head a shake. When we sold our condo years ago my husband spent 3 days literally to clean from top to bottom...all day too. I felt awful as i had to work. 

Good luck with the DBT! I'm a huge fan. I know it's not for everyone, but I hope that it works out for you and you get as much out of it as I do.

And I agree, @CoolCat7, your landlord is ridiculous. He should keep his mouth shut and be thankful he has such a conscientious tenant.

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I'm afraid I won't get any sleep tonight like the past three nights. My mother-in-law is coming over tomorrow so I'll need to be up at a reasonable time and not half-asleep. I took an extra lorazepam, because the two I usually take don't seem to always work.

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So I'm chugging along really well and, always, something that is nothing to most people throws me (or provokes me to throw myself) completely into the dumper.

Monday night a friend invited me to go to a bar for wings and to watch basketball. I was toying with not going because I really want to be sober Sunday through Thursday (at a bar, I can not just have Coke).  Anyway, he invites another old friend of mine, a guy who has been there for me in bad times, but, a guy I am now finding too much - all he wants to talk about is bling and investments and how many hot chicks his young son is banging and that his house is worth 1.5 mil. now and that Joe blow next door has put in a pool and...  as usual, after time with him, I allow myself to feel so small and like such a loser that I went home, continued drinking, took Tuesday off and wasted the entire day in bed.

Damn!

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15 hours ago, michaelalan said:

Feeling lousy, so tired of this depression, its been over 10 months now with this current episode, so defeated that the ECT didnt work this time around, nor any meds, currently in the middle of TMS treatments but nothing yet. I also feel guilty that I beg God for healing from this depression when there are SO many others around the world with so much worse situations than mine. Al the people with terrible physical diseases like Lou Gehrigs, multiple sclerosis and of course mental illness, some with a combination of them all. Some homeless, dying of starvation, etc... And here I am, poor old me, have many many blessings, nice house, plenty of money, no physical ailments, lots of people who love me and pray for me just a terrible illness of severe depression. Dear God please help us all....

 

did you ever try Ketamine? I hope you feel better soon..

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14 hours ago, Dolphin2013 said:

I hope you can get out soon, but with a plan for treatment. Now, who's  the "they"that tossed you in the hospital?

"They" would be my parents, school counselor, and the person that assessed my suicide risk.

They did let me out, but I have to stay home from school today, which is alright since my little sister gets home early so I can spend time with her. Treatment plans include: more therapist visits and a psychiatrist check in, as well as a higher medicine dosage.

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17 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

Guess who's been admitted to the hospital? 

Yours truly. Apparently I was "high-risk" and they tossed me in the hospital. Nothing like hours of waiting in an overly hot hospital gown for...I don't know.

Wish me luck. I hope I get to go to school tomorrow, because I was taken out at noon today. 7 hours away from home and school.

I feel terrible.

Well, your DF family is there with you in spirit anyway. Stay strong!

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@salparadise6132 That sounds like something I would do. One difference though: I can easily NOT drink when I'm out, or even have "just one". It's when I'm home alone that I can put away vast quantities of the alky. And the next day is pure hell of course, enough so that I ditch work.

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Hopeless -- .. I am thinking about what I've lost in the past, and OK it happened, I want to move on, but how? Yes you can stop living in the past, and move on, but without any treatment/therapy working how will you move on? If my future (which I think from the looks of it) looks like my past, what is the point of even trying anymore? :sniffle1:

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