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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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14 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

what do you think? (please keep in mind this woman subjected me to severe verbal and emotional abuse (and some physical abuse) during my entire childhood and adolescence.  I would prefer never to speak to her.  She has also been highly critical of me as an adult, especially condemning my money management which is unfair since my husband has a disability and has been unable to work for much of our 21 year marriage.

Just say no, Lauryn.  I can't believe she expects you to do that for her when you don't have a car.

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So, as y'all know, I went back to work last Thursday. I'm a journalist, and among the regular news stories/ enterprise stories/ etc., we are responsible for one op-ed each week. I struggled with what I should write about as it is supposed to be something personal to us. Having been gone for three months, I figured I should let the readers know I am back and why I was gone. So, after some thought, I wrote my op-ed on my struggle with panic disorder and why that caused a three-month hiatus from being in the newsroom. I was a little afraid my boss/ coworkers/ readers would respond negatively.. but I've received a lot of positive feedback. In fact, many have written to me, as well as letters to the editor (which get published) about how appreciative they are I shared my story, how they relate to it, and how they are glad I am helping improve awareness of mental health issues.

It made my heart happy.

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Okay.  I'm in a better mood than yesterday, though I do feel a little overwhelmed.  Too much homework.  How the heckity frick frack snick snack can my teacher assign us 44 pages worth 600 points and expect us to not fail it?

Edited by PraiseBrownies

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34 minutes ago, Lunachick said:

So, as y'all know, I went back to work last Thursday. I'm a journalist, and among the regular news stories/ enterprise stories/ etc., we are responsible for one op-ed each week. I struggled with what I should write about as it is supposed to be something personal to us. Having been gone for three months, I figured I should let the readers know I am back and why I was gone. So, after some thought, I wrote my op-ed on my struggle with panic disorder and why that caused a three-month hiatus from being in the newsroom. I was a little afraid my boss/ coworkers/ readers would respond negatively.. but I've received a lot of positive feedback. In fact, many have written to me, as well as letters to the editor (which get published) about how appreciative they are I shared my story, how they relate to it, and how they are glad I am helping improve awareness of mental health issues.

It made my heart happy.

That's amazing! That must have taken so much courage - good for you! And I also appreciate any increased awareness of mental health issues.

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57 minutes ago, Lunachick said:

So, as y'all know, I went back to work last Thursday. I'm a journalist, and among the regular news stories/ enterprise stories/ etc., we are responsible for one op-ed each week. I struggled with what I should write about as it is supposed to be something personal to us. Having been gone for three months, I figured I should let the readers know I am back and why I was gone. So, after some thought, I wrote my op-ed on my struggle with panic disorder and why that caused a three-month hiatus from being in the newsroom. I was a little afraid my boss/ coworkers/ readers would respond negatively.. but I've received a lot of positive feedback. In fact, many have written to me, as well as letters to the editor (which get published) about how appreciative they are I shared my story, how they relate to it, and how they are glad I am helping improve awareness of mental health issues.

It made my heart happy.

That's the best news I've heard in a long time!:icon12:

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26 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

I didn't say his post was an attack, just that I wish he hadn't posted.  It was not helpful to me.  It hurt me.

sk blue said it best: " While I assume that he meant well, I agree with your reaction that it wasn't necessary. I think most people who have grown up with abusive or toxic parents usually already feel guilty enough about their negative feelings towards their parents that there's no point heaping more on by reminding someone that their parent won't be around forever. We all know that, but we still have to deal with the effect they have on our well being & self-esteem *now*.

And I also disagree with One More Red Nightmare that it "can't hurt to hear" his opinion - yeah, it can. It's essentially invalidating your feelings towards your mother and what she did. Any kind of abuse in childhood, especially by parents, has a huge impact on the development of a child and has lasting effects."

Okay, that's twice you've called me out, so I will respond. (I let one go.) My opinion cannot hurt you. You put your proposed letter out there for people to comment on, so I did. If you didn't like my opinion, just ignore it. I'm sorry your mom was abusive to you. I don't think writing an FU letter to her now will help anyone. If you don't want to deal with her, then don't. But handle it in a more loving way. That's my advice, which is in no way an attack. 

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6 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

Hang in there buddy.  You felt like this 15 years ago and then... not.  Remember that.  There is always a better tomorrow until they plant us in the ground, my friend. Wishing you the best and sending you my vibes!!!

Oh, and setting up in a new place is a great opportunity for change.  I hope you feel it and dig into it and set up a home there!!!!

Thank you for the thoughts.  One thing I've noticed at my age (60s) is that change - as if it wasn't difficult when I was younger - is more difficult when all I want is consistency.  Like my body, I'm not as flexible as I used to be...even only ten years ago.  Nevertheless, I'll consider your "dig into it" suggestion.

Frankly, I've had a lousy day, feeling at one point this afternoon I was oh so close to...well, you know.

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Tonight - at 3:30am - I'm sad and scared.  I need to  be completely honest with y'all since you're all I seem to have at the moment.  Tonight I've been actually packing boxes for Sunday's move, crying off and on for this house and the safety it's provided to me and my guys (felines, one deceased) over the past seven years.  It's been perhaps the best home I've had in years.

Much, too, like a similarly upsetting move 15 years ago, I've been spiking my Gatorade just to get through, just to numb the pain while I pack.  And, hell, I'm not a drinker.  But I need to ramble, if you'll bear with me.

In the course of the past month I've probably seen over half a dozen properties.  Given my background with real estate photography, I've been able to render floor plans relatively quickly to decide if a place is suitable.  I've even managed some successes with getting cheaper deals on my TV and internet with my current providers...while upgrading my services.  My new landlord and I have a lot in common vis-a-vis our respective health issues.  And I managed to find a property that actually has a screened porch and yard space.  Tomorrow someone is coming over to buy the dining set I love but can't take with me.  And it's the day I take care of transferring the utilities, I guess.

But I still feel so f***ing alone and isolated.  I'm so damned lonely and in so much pain.

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I didn't lash out.

I understand, but arguing amongst ourselves on here won't solve anything; it will only make things worse.

As for me, I feel unwanted and very worried about today.

 

- KS

 

 

Edited by KidSurvivor2011
Spelling error

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10 hours ago, Lunachick said:

So, as y'all know, I went back to work last Thursday. I'm a journalist, and among the regular news stories/ enterprise stories/ etc., we are responsible for one op-ed each week. I struggled with what I should write about as it is supposed to be something personal to us. Having been gone for three months, I figured I should let the readers know I am back and why I was gone. So, after some thought, I wrote my op-ed on my struggle with panic disorder and why that caused a three-month hiatus from being in the newsroom. I was a little afraid my boss/ coworkers/ readers would respond negatively.. but I've received a lot of positive feedback. In fact, many have written to me, as well as letters to the editor (which get published) about how appreciative they are I shared my story, how they relate to it, and how they are glad I am helping improve awareness of mental health issues.

It made my heart happy.

That's great!!! Glad you went back to work

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I'm a lot like BoJack Horseman. Dwelling on a simple stupid mistake, small and minor but still. No wonder I'm called weird and awkward a lot.

"I need you to tell me that it’s not too late. I need you to tell me that I’m a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self-destructive, but underneath all that, I’m a good person, and I need you to tell me that I’m good."

Edited by roadking02

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15 hours ago, Lunachick said:

So, as y'all know, I went back to work last Thursday. I'm a journalist, and among the regular news stories/ enterprise stories/ etc., we are responsible for one op-ed each week. I struggled with what I should write about as it is supposed to be something personal to us. Having been gone for three months, I figured I should let the readers know I am back and why I was gone. So, after some thought, I wrote my op-ed on my struggle with panic disorder and why that caused a three-month hiatus from being in the newsroom. I was a little afraid my boss/ coworkers/ readers would respond negatively.. but I've received a lot of positive feedback. In fact, many have written to me, as well as letters to the editor (which get published) about how appreciative they are I shared my story, how they relate to it, and how they are glad I am helping improve awareness of mental health issues.

It made my heart happy.

That is very cool! Good on you.

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Somewhere between productive and unproductive. Wondering what it is that makes me feel the need to stop myself from taking certain risks. I care not if I fail. So, I guess I'll just do a little more deep sea diving in my conscience. 

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I've had a pretty cruddy say, so I'm not feeling good. 

Probably because I insulted my teacher and basically made her guilt trip the entire class.  I don't feel remorse, but I don't like how she made everyone else feel bad for what I said.

Maybe it would have gone better if my voice had emotion. I said it in a completely deadpan tone, which basically made me sound like I didn't give two craps.

Yeah, I know, I shouldn't have insulted my teacher like that.  I don't need the lecture, I get it.

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...and that's where this argument will stop. This isn't necessary and as I said before, this solves nothing.

 

I am fed up and frustrated. I have the towel and I am ready to throw it in at any point. Nobody in this world wants me here so why not make them happy?

 

- KS

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