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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

In a word, sh!tty. I'm sick of work and all of the demands on my time. I'm sick of the one thing I want most in this life being just out of reach.

I want to retire and move on. Before it's too late. But I will become a "fugitive" because my shop-a-holic ex will come after me for her monthly alimony $$$$. And my 22 year old daughter is currently on my health care plan.

Sorry you feel so s***ty, JD.  You mentioned a while ago feeling trapped, and now I see why..  When external circumstances f.u.c.k. us up, our only option(s) are action or an internal shift.  Is there any way to re-negotiate the alimony?  I take it your daughter will be on your health plan until the age of 25?  We all need something that gets us out of bed with Joy in the Morning.  (book title, taken from a bible reference).  Think hard.  Is there anything at all?  I'm working on that, too.   

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@CoolCat7 Sorry to hear/read all that. Also, thank you for your response yesterday. Bad choices in the context of being aware I should not do something but I find myself doing just that. Health wise. It's like an alter just loves Russian roulette. It's driving me nuts, no pun intended. But I voiced it today to my nurse, so I guess that is a good step. Sorry you got stood up by your friend, hope all is okay.

@womanofthelight I broke my butt once.. after being slightly kamikaze. But didn't seek medical attention for it at the time. Now, years later, it took so long to get my mri appointment and the surgeon to have a look. Ironically I could have avoided all this, if I hadn't avoided it years ago. I hope you feel better soon. 

@ladysmurf Technically it IS all in your head ;) and then some...genetics...chemistry and all that jazz. Don't fight people who are uneducated because it'll probably just make you worse. 

'Yup... it's in between my ears.. you know, where my brain is located and rules the roost. How about you try it for a while before judging me? Thank you and goodnight'. 

Something along those lines?  Hugs to you.

 

How am I feeling? Not sure at this point. I spoke to my nurse today and voiced my concerns regarding stuff that seems to be happening at the moment. She was very kind and accepting of me pretty much calling in sick for the rest of the week.

Edited by Tux
I haz grammar issues.

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I'm not feeling great.  I could use a good cry, but my medications basically took away my ability to cry.  I might just skip tomorrow so I can cry everything out.

Totally screwed up a baking recipe and ruined the stove and dirtied a bunch of mixing bowls, couldn't keep up with exercise in P.E., did absolutely nothing in all four hours of English and French, and I have an entire project I need to do, because I've been procrastinating too *censored* much.  It's 8:30 PM.

I haven't done any helping on 7cups today, I wasted hours of my life watching stupid things on YouTube, and according to my calorie tracker, I've hardly eaten.

I promised my friends I'd bring them sweets, too.  What the hell am I supposed to bring them, the under/overbaked cookie/brownie/chocolate/f$%#up thing?

God, I feel terrible.

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It's almost 3:30 am. I shouldn't have had that cup of coffee at 3 pm, apparently. I was feeling good yesterday & today - not too sleepy in the morning & actually went to bed at a reasonable time last night. I really hope I can get up and out later today. I don't want to go back to sleeping all day. :sleepy:

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Still feel like a zombie...or malfunctioning robot.  Oh, I managed a shower/shave today which I suppose helped, and I managed to get some moving boxes to pack the books and fragile items.  Moving day is Sunday and it's costing a fortune.  But the social media site for my neighborhood raves about the company.  I'm too damn drained inside to do yet more shopping around for a better deal.  F*** it.

I've been reminded a few times in the past year - and particularly now - that I'm stumbling around the house in much the same disconnected state as my Dad (many years ago) as he underwent radiation treatment for prostate cancer.  He was the age I am now.  Completely empty look in his eyes, expressionless face, as though it was just too much effort.  I've caught myself in the mirror with the same expression, mouth half open.

Tues/Wed night was the worst.  I actually did more to prepare to die - notes, instructions, etc. - than I have in 15 years, the last time I faced a similar situation and the hopelessness felt just as severe.  I'm still undecided.  At the time it was the responsibility I felt for the lives of my four felines that saved me.  As it is now, with only one, I have options for his care including his vet and a neighbor to whom he's taken a shine.  Heck, kitty's even friends with his dog.  Sounds ridiculous, but that's where I've been at.  I've gradually resigned myself that nothing of my life or the memory of my dad that I've nurtured in pictures and documents - and that has kept me going in my darkest moments - means a damn thing to anyone, except to me.  No one is left to remember and revere his life except me.

The little bit of progress I made today went completely against my frame of mind and I resented it.  Hell, I don't WANT this to work out.  I want simply to be done with all the upheaval and readjustment.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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2 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Still feel like a zombie...or malfunctioning robot.  Oh, I managed a shower/shave today which I suppose helped, and I managed to get some moving boxes to pack the books and fragile items.  Moving day is Sunday and it's costing a fortune.  But the social media site for my neighborhood raves about the company.  I'm too damn drained inside to do yet more shopping around for a better deal.  F*** it.

I've been reminded a few times in the past year - and particularly now - that I'm stumbling around the house in much the same disconnected state as my Dad (many years ago) as he underwent radiation treatment for prostate cancer.  He was the age I am now.  Completely empty look in his eyes, expressionless face, as though it was just too much effort.  I've caught myself in the mirror with the same expression, mouth half open.

Tues/Wed night was the worst.  I actually did more to prepare to die - notes, instructions, etc. - than I have in 15 years, the last time I faced a similar situation and the hopelessness felt just as severe.  I'm still undecided.  At the time it was the responsibility I felt for the lives of my four felines that saved me.  As it is now, with only one, I have options for his care including his vet and a neighbor to whom he's taken a shine.  Heck, kitty's even friends with his dog.  Sounds ridiculous, but that's where I've been at.  I've gradually resigned myself that nothing of my life or the memory of my dad that I've nurtured in pictures and documents - and that has kept me going in my darkest moments - means a damn thing to anyone, except to me.  No one is left to remember and revere his life except me.

The little bit of progress I made today went completely against my frame of mind and I resented it.  Hell, I don't WANT this to work out.  I want simply to be done with all the upheaval and readjustment.

(((Mark)))

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Finished a new guitar neck last night, had the wood lying around and I felt like I needed to do something. Keeps me away from a computer screen right? Spent a lot of time out on my Ninja riding on back roads. Went through a lot of small towns and basically cruised. Stopped by a river and went down by the bank, sat down and was able to just think about things. The falling out with Ryan was the first thing that came into my head, some thoughts about Natalie, how I just will never be with her and fearing my past which thanks to Ryan talking about it is back to haunt me. I fear it because it causes me to nearly break down mentally and it takes a lot to bring me back up. To a lot of friends I've been off the map. Haven't been on facebook, haven't told a lot of people about when I'm having this surgery (May 1st) so I'm sure some of them think I disappeared.

One thing that Ryan did ask me did make me start to question myself. Italy and finding myself. I'm at a very strange stage in my life. Growing out of things I used to do and I want to do something new but I don't know what that is. If I went to Italy, what is my real reason for going? To wonder in Turin without a clue about anything there? I won't just magically leave my problems behind. Ryan thinks I'm trying to run away from things. That would be the case if I was moving there but I'm not. Would I find myself in Turin? Probably not. So why am I going besides just for the heck of it? Music reasons. The label I work for is in Turin so I'd be there seeing people I normally see via skype calls or facetime.

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On 4/26/2017 at 6:56 AM, CoolCat7 said:

Sadly I'm all talk, and I will probably end up driving her.  I'm such a damn sucker.  I've only stood up to her a dozen times during my whole life.  But at least she knows how I feel now.  And when I told her how rotten she was to me growing up, she actually said "that's probably true, but I had no support blah blah."  That is the first time she ever acknowledged the way she treated me.  And she had ME for support - I spent hours listening to her and supporting her even when I was a teenager.  And she was vicious to me - not just neglectful.  She called me nasty names and constantly ground me into the ground.  She called me dirt under her feet. Plus, she was just so damn indifferent to me and my struggles - the woman lived with me for 19 years and didn't even know how I took my tea (we drank tea multiple times a day).  

There are some people who will never "get it" because they're so absorbed in their own misery or drama.  Sounds like you've been a supporting player to her leading lady your entire life.  At this late date, it doesn't seem likely she will ever change, but I guess now, it's just a matter of your seeing her for who she is, who she will always likely be, and making some kind of peace for yourself through it.  It sounds like she has no idea what love is or how to express it.  My best wishes and thoughts to you, Lauryn.  For whatever it's worth, you're a good and generous daughter who has served a person in need whenever she needed it.

:flowers:

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8 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

what do you think? (please keep in mind this woman subjected me to severe verbal and emotional abuse (and some physical abuse) during my entire childhood and adolescence.  I would prefer never to speak to her.  She has also been highly critical of me as an adult, especially condemning my money management which is unfair since my husband has a disability and has been unable to work for much of our 21 year marriage.

Mine might be a minority opinion here, but it can't hurt to hear it. In the end you will do what you feel is right, anyway.  So here goes. 

I would not send that letter to your mother. You might be right in everything you say, but the likely result of your letter will be a lot of pain for her and increased conflict and hostility between the 2 of you.  She won't be around forever. If there is a chance to make peace, you should try. That means being very patient and tolerant of her. 

For years I held a lot of resentment against my mother for some terrible things she did that hurt my family and me badly. But she's 80 years old now and doesn't really understand what she did and how she hurt me. I forgave her and treat her as kindly as I can now, even though there is a lot she still doesn't get and never will. 

Good luck to you!

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Given that I have been on this forum for years providing warm, caring, supportive responses to many people here and in all the forums, you would think it's not too much to ask that you would assume I am a warm caring, supportive person and give me the benefit of the doubt in any of my posts.   My mother is an excruciatingly painful subject for me, so I hope that you will show me the kindness and support I've shown many here.  And if you don't have anything nice to say to me, please don't say anything at all.  But if I've offered support to you, please do respond in kind.

Thank you.

Lauryn, everyone is being supportive to you. There is really no need to lash out like that. I wish I could say more, but I'm very tired. We're all on your side.

:hugs:

 

- KS

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35 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

So I should do whatever she asks, to make "peace" with her?  Why does the patience and tolerance all have to be on my end, as it always have been?  I have, I think, treated my mother with incredible kindness given the way she treated me.  My friends have remarked on it when they've seen us together.  But I am not an endless fountain of patience and tolerance, nor should I be.  I just wish I had cut off all contact with her years ago.  The only reason I have even been in touch with her is for her benefit, not mine.  I would much prefer to never have to see her again.   If keeping the "peace" means knuckling in to her every demand, then I refuse.

I wish you'd kept your opinion to yourself, frankly.  I didn't need to hear it.

While I assume that he meant well, I agree with your reaction that it wasn't necessary. I think most people who have grown up with abusive or toxic parents usually already feel guilty enough about their negative feelings towards their parents that there's no point heaping more on by reminding someone that their parent won't be around forever. We all know that, but we still have to deal with the effect they have on our well being & self-esteem *now*.

Also, expressing your feelings to your mother is just that, you expressing your feelings. You are not responsible for how she takes it, if she's hurt or if she is increasingly hostile. Those are on her.

And I also disagree with One More Red Nightmare that it "can't hurt to hear" his opinion - yeah, it can. It's essentially invalidating your feelings towards your mother and what she did. Any kind of abuse in childhood, especially by parents, has a huge impact on the development of a child and has lasting effects.

I'm also really not a fan of one person having to "be the bigger person" and just forgiving and forgetting. Both people in a relationship have agency to decide how that relationship will work. One person in the relationship asserting a healthy boundary (like "I'm sorry, mom, I can't take you to your appointment.") isn't unkind treatment. It's just that person sticking up for their own well-being.

I feel like this post is completely jumbled and rambling, but this is a hot-button topic for me. I've actually been in a therapy group for a little over a year in a half whose sole purpose is for us to unpack how our abusive/toxic/controlling families are still affecting us and our relationships today (we're mostly in our 30's & 40's).

@CoolCat7 to address the initial letter to your mother, I think it might be worth it for you to think about what you want to get out of sending this letter to your mother. As womenofthelight said, she probably won't get it. If that's what you're hoping for, I worry that sending it will have more of a negative impact on you, as it will be one more time when your mother let you down. On the other hand, if you just want to get all that off your chest and don't care about her response, then it sounds like the letter will help do that.

On the other, other hand (or foot?), if you want to just communicate to her that you can't/don't want to take her to her appointment, I think a much simpler, more direct message would be better. There's a great advice blog called Captain Awkward (which you should definitely check out!) where a lot of people write in for advice for doing exactly this in similar situations. One of her and her commenters' favorite pieces of advice is that the word "No." is a complete sentence. Also that with people like your mother, it's good to follow the acronym J.A.D.E., which means: don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain when setting boundaries or answering requests from people like that. The more you say, the more ammunition they have to try to manipulate and guilt you.

If just not driving her is the purpose of your email, or saying you can drive once but not in the future, I'd suggest something just very simple like:
"I'm sorry, I can't drive you to your colonoscopy. I can help you book a cab to take you (if you're feeling generous)." or "I can drive you to this appointment, but I won't be able to take you to anymore in the future, so you'll need to make other arrangements. I can give you some suggestions on cab companies or help you set up Uber on your phone (again, if you're feeling generous)."

And you'll probably feel horrible sending just that, because she's probably trained you that she is entitled to explanations or some sort of effort on your part to be conciliatory or whatever, but it does get easier over time. Although it can be a long process - I've started doing this a little with my mother and it still feels kind of rude and awkward, but I have the right to set the boundaries of my relationship with her and so do you. And once I distract myself from the automatic thought that I am a terrible daughter, I get a little esteem boost knowing that I asserted my needs and didn't just give in to whatever she wants, which would always give me a cringe-y feeling of "Why am I so weak? Why can't I just say no?" So I prefer the brief (and getting briefer) feeling of "oh, god, terrible, awful daughter!" and then the boost instead of the ongoing feeling that I'm weak and not able to deal with life effectively.

Okay, after that novel, I hope that you are able to communicate with her in a way that feels good for you and gets you what you want and need! :hugs:

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Relieved. I had to do a lot of driving (to an autoshop for a car inspection, to a restaurant downtown, to Costco) and then I had to make a phone call to get prescriptions transferred to the right pharmacy (my doctor sent it to the old one, even though I told her the right one). I hate doing all that stuff, but now it's done.

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15 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Still feel like a zombie...or malfunctioning robot.  Oh, I managed a shower/shave today which I suppose helped, and I managed to get some moving boxes to pack the books and fragile items.  Moving day is Sunday and it's costing a fortune.  But the social media site for my neighborhood raves about the company.  I'm too damn drained inside to do yet more shopping around for a better deal.  F*** it.

I've been reminded a few times in the past year - and particularly now - that I'm stumbling around the house in much the same disconnected state as my Dad (many years ago) as he underwent radiation treatment for prostate cancer.  He was the age I am now.  Completely empty look in his eyes, expressionless face, as though it was just too much effort.  I've caught myself in the mirror with the same expression, mouth half open.

Tues/Wed night was the worst.  I actually did more to prepare to die - notes, instructions, etc. - than I have in 15 years, the last time I faced a similar situation and the hopelessness felt just as severe.  I'm still undecided.  At the time it was the responsibility I felt for the lives of my four felines that saved me.  As it is now, with only one, I have options for his care including his vet and a neighbor to whom he's taken a shine.  Heck, kitty's even friends with his dog.  Sounds ridiculous, but that's where I've been at.  I've gradually resigned myself that nothing of my life or the memory of my dad that I've nurtured in pictures and documents - and that has kept me going in my darkest moments - means a damn thing to anyone, except to me.  No one is left to remember and revere his life except me.

The little bit of progress I made today went completely against my frame of mind and I resented it.  Hell, I don't WANT this to work out.  I want simply to be done with all the upheaval and readjustment.

Hang in there buddy.  You felt like this 15 years ago and then... not.  Remember that.  There is always a better tomorrow until they plant us in the ground, my friend. Wishing you the best and sending you my vibes!!!

Oh, and setting up in a new place is a great opportunity for change.  I hope you feel it and dig into it and set up a home there!!!!

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On 4/26/2017 at 5:49 PM, CoolCat7 said:

So... my friend apparently fell asleep and she's been having bad insomnia.  Would certainly have helped if she had left her phone on (in the 20 years I've known her, she has answered her phone like twice. She always has it off).  Anyway, I said that in the future if we're meeting, I will assume our get-together is off if I don't hear from her within two hours of meeting up.  She has been badly late several times and now this.  But it's the first time she actually stood me up, so I guess I will cut her slack.

Hey Cat, there is a comedy routine in that experience for you!!!

One thing that has been helping me to stop feeling sorry for myself and like a victim has been this bit about turning negative that happens to you into a blessing, an opportunity to learn.  I realize that this is a little trite, and that many people have had much worse things happen to them than I have, but, I'm just saying, it has helped to view things as an opportunity.

BTW people - Cat is one cute, funny chick!!!  I saw her video - she slayed!!!!

(sorry for the misogynistic "chick" but I mean it in a loving sense... and, I'm an old probably unconsciously patriarchal white guy so... well, that's my excuse LOL :)

Brian

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1 hour ago, CoolCat7 said:

I didn't lash out.

Cat, I hate getting involved in these things but, oh gosh, here it goes...

I have to stand up for OMRN here.  His post was not an attack.  It was very respectfully worded, IMO.  He was expressing his personal opinion based on his own experience.  If you only wanted validation, you should not have asked us an open question about what we thought.  

I personally, thought it was an OK message to your mother.  But OMRN's approach is a valid approach too.  In fact, I have wavered between those same two approaches with my parents (also incredibly abusive) and I have found, after a few more years experience than you, that silently being the adult and letting them be themselves (as he says, the Will Not Change!) has been the most satisfying approach for me.  It is not perfect by any means, but it keeps the peace, tamps down conflict, and you can KNOW IN YOUR HEART, where it matters, that you are the responsible adult in the room.  Less conflict is less stress on you - so, in truth, you are doing it for yourself!!  

Love and hugs to you and OMRN!  I think a great deal of both of you.

Edited by salparadise6132

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