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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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yesterday was another in bed literally all day day. didn't eat hardly anything.

today I battled morning anxiety for 3 good hours before i got up, but presently i am up ... now another 50% of the battle is not diving back into bed because that happens so much

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@goincrazy I agree. Sleep is so valuable. Not sleeping or not sleeping well or enough exacerbates depression and anxiety. And depression and anxiety make it difficult to express yourself or make decisions. I've been through that and it's horrible.

I don't know if you are taking antidepressants, or if you are planning on seeing a doctor for this, but please do and let whoever you see know that you are not sleeping well.

Lack of sleep sucks.

Hoping today and tonight are better for you.

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A day of reflection for me.  The sky is visible with occasional cumulus clouds threatening rain.  But there is no humidity.  I hope the clouds will clear, but even if they don't, I cannot forget the 15th anniversary of 9/11.  It's like when people ask if you remember when J.F.K., M.L.K. and R.F.K. were shot.  That beautiful cloudless sky in New York City and the terror that ensued.  Unbelievable.  Nether my 2 brothers nor my sister were hurt, for which I am grateful every day of my life.  I was in L.A. at the time, and received that early morning call from my sister.  Un. for. gettable, watching it all unfold on television.

And so mankind continues its constant internal and external struggle between good and evil.  The world is bigger than us.  It is all of us.  Maybe we can make a difference by paying more attention to others and less to our inner demons.  They'll be there waiting for us when we get back.  Or not.  Maybe in thinking bigger our lives will become bigger, because one thing I know I don't want is a small, insignificant life.  

Time for me to figure out a way for it not to be. 

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2 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

I know you may have heard this before, but you're still really young and there is plenty of time to meet people.  Have you ever had CBT therapy?  I think you should investigate that - it's very helpful.  Google it.  It's best to do it with a therapist but there are good books too - like the Feeling Good Handbook.

i know i am young, but my biggest fear is the one of aging/old age...all i can think about are the opportunities/experiences i have missed/am missing , that there is nothing i can do to ever come back to a young age; that i am going to be an old dude one day, wrinkled, alone and worn off(without being able practice the extreme sports that i like) without even the small comfort that i have now , that being that i still have a bit of time ...i really hope i will kick the bucket before my body gets frail because i know that i will eventually go insane, thinking that i can't even push through this sh** right now while i am still young... i know about cbt, i think my therapist has been trying it on me during our last session...but i am way too nihilistic for it to be working on me as it should...i am reading books about it too, right now i am in the middle of The Conquest of Happiness by Bertrand Russel...it is an amazing book, but i feel like everything i read i already know from my many observations/introversion.

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10 hours ago, duck said:

I do not understand the above.  I want my suffering to end.  I want my depression and anxiety to go away.   I desire that so I should not want that????

Can somebody please explain what Buddha said in simple English to me?    Thank you.

How are you doing duck? I went for a walk and I thought of you. I want the same to happen for me too but it just seems pointless.

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4 minutes ago, Throwaway said:

i know i am young, but my biggest fear is the one of aging/old age...all i can think about are the opportunities/experiences i have missed/am missing , that there is nothing i can do to ever come back to a young age; that i am going to be an old dude one day, wrinkled, alone and worn off(without being able practice the extreme sports that i like) without even the small comfort that i have now , that being that i still have a bit of time ...i really hope i will kick the bucket before my body gets frail because i know that i will eventually go insane, thinking that i can't even push through this sh** right now while i am still young... i know about cbt, i think my therapist has been trying it on me during our last session...but i am way too nihilistic for it to be working on me as it should...i am reading books about it too, right now i am in the middle of The Conquest of Happiness by Bertrand Russel...it is an amazing book, but i feel like everything i read i already know from my many observations/introversion.

I feel similar. I get what you are saying, they say "It's never too late" but for certain things it is. I've been battling this for so long, I had to drop out of college, spend my 20's in hospitals, and running to hospitals,. It stinks. Now I am in my 30s and I am hoping things will get better because whatever happened happened. I know it stinks that I missed opportunities but I am hoping life can give me some relief so I can somewhat live.

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2 hours ago, MarkHollywood said:

haven't felt this low in a long time

Sorry you're down there, MarkH.  I was there Tuesday and Wednesday.  I didn't like the vibe.  The wallpaper was gaudy and it smelled like cat urine.  

It will improve.  I know you know that!!!  Best, bud!!!

Brian

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I've been doing so well the past two months and I have a trip I'm going on next month and if I fall back into a severe depression again I'm gonna be really annoyed but I can already feel the quicksand pooling at my feet...

Outwardly, I've been doing all the right things. Inwardly, I've been...deadening. Hope it's just a bad week.

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19 hours ago, RiverLight said:

My dear friend, Duck, Buddha taught that all suffering comes from attachment.. So  if we can let go of our attachment to expected outcomes, or our attachment to things we want and desire but which are causing pain for us, we can be happier. I think what he means is coming to a place of acceptance of what is & of what one has, and not desiring/coveting things that one does not have because it only causes pain and suffering. So you wanting your depression & anxiety to go away.... you must look at what is causing the depression, underneath everything. Is it attachment to tragic events or unfortunate life circumstances? I believe that depression can be biologically induced based on chemical imbalance, but also environmentally induced.... caused by the outside environment, such as unfortunate life circumstances, a painful upbringing, abusive family dynamics, tragic life events and so forth. So if you can get to the root of what may be causing your current depressed state, then you can go from there.. if you can let go of that which did not go your way in life that is causing you pain right now, you can be happier.. I really think it is a matter of acceptance of what is.

@RiverLight     Thank you.

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I really don't know how I feel, the one word I have is disappointed. I woke up feeling disappointed. There is someone who has disappeared from my life, and I am very disappointed in his behavior towards me. He seemed to think he was sparing me from additional pain, but he doesn't realize how much it hurt that he just cut off our communications and friendship. If he does come back, I don't know if I can be friends with him again. This is the second time he's done an about face and has disappeared on me. I can't keep going through that and I don't want that in my life.

It's also Monday, and I have the Monday blues. Back to work, doing a task I don't want to do today. I am not looking forward to it since it's a tough task requiring my brain work and I don't feel I have the head for it this morning. Wish I could do something easy and mindless instead... wish I could just blow off the entire day and not work.

Then I also have to go to the police station again to pick up an "Affidavit" to complete and mail in to protect myself from potential identity fraud due to these crappy criminal a-holes who messed with me on Friday, almost taking all of my savings.

It just already feels like it's going to be another bad day and it's only 8 AM. I spent most of yesterday in bed, very melancholy and sad after running into my ex boyfriend Sat night. Not to mention it was 9/11 yesterday, and I lost a friend on 9/11 who was on flight 93. Everyone was posting pics of him on FB yesterday. He was one of the heroes who rushed the cockpit.

UGH. Can I please just stay in bed today? That's all I want to do. Close the shades and curl up under my covers.

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Troubled Times ~ Leftover Salmon

I need these troubled times to pass now....

Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Take away your sorrow bring me back some peace of mind

Mama's gone away, join my Daddy up above
Mama's gone away, join my Daddy up above
Wouldn't have me nobody, if it wasn't for my own true love

So Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Take away your sorrow bring me back some peace of mind

Money's hard to come by but there's always bills to pay
Money's hard to come by but there's always bills to pay
But I know the time is coming there's gonna be a brighter day

So Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Take away your sorrow bring me back some peace of mind

Outside the rain is falling and the sun has lost the sky
Outside the rain is falling and the sun has lost the sky
Well I feel so dog gone lonesome and I can't tell you the reason why

So Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Take away your sorrow bring me back some peace of mind

Say the darkest night happens just before the dawn
Say the darkest night happens just before the dawn
I been waiting for the daylight to make these troubles move along

So Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Blow wind blow blow away these troubled times
Take away your sorrow bring me back some peace of mind

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other then the headache i woke up with..i really didnt sleep much but my mood is ok ... its not up nor down... i even laughed a little.. so i cant complain i guess :P

1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

Troubled Times ~ Leftover Salmon

I need these troubled times to pass now....

 

RL you started to go on about the mexican excursion itinerary and left me hanging!!

for those that were not on chat RL said she wanted to go on vacation but didnt want to go alone.. i said dont.. make an itinerary tell everyone on the forum what we are gonna do... take LOOOOTS of pictures and write about each thing you do and post it at the end of the day ^_^ this way we are "with" her when she takes her vacation!

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8 minutes ago, sairyss said:

other then the headache i woke up with..i really didnt sleep much but my mood is ok ... its not up nor down... i even laughed a little.. so i cant complain i guess :P

RL you started to go on about the mexican excursion itinerary and left me hanging!!

for those that were not on chat RL said she wanted to go on vacation but didnt want to go alone.. i said dont.. make an itinerary tell everyone on the forum what we are gonna do... take LOOOOTS of pictures and write about each thing you do and post it at the end of the day ^_^ this way we are "with" her when she takes her vacation!

Hey, glad you laughed some! That's a good sign, Sair!!! Always maintain a sense of humor, is my perspective.... and especially given where you were at yesterday --- glad u are on the up a bit! =) Hope your head feels better soon....

Yeah, the Mexico excursion! LOL.... it's all a pipe dream, really.... I'm just gonna dream about it and wish that I was there. Maybe I'll take a weekend away somewhere & can post pics of that at least.. that I could probably afford.... SIGH. Why does money always have to get in the way??

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@RiverLight  Hang in there.  You have had a lot, ah, dung tossed your way of late. And I understand the work thing.  That was me last week.  I needed three days off to recover.

@ladysmurf  Hugs lady!!

As for me, I am functioning.  Actually at work this week :) - an amazing success in and of itself.

I got to see a great friend of mine who lives in LA on Saturday, and got to hang with my Sophie.

I've been having great chat on Tinder with a woman who I seem to jive with.  It was exciting, but, I don't know, and that is frustrating and disappointing.

Still, all and all, not bad.

Brian

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27 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Hey, glad you laughed some! That's a good sign, Sair!!! Always maintain a sense of humor, is my perspective.... and especially given where you were at yesterday --- glad u are on the up a bit! =) Hope your head feels better soon....

Yeah, the Mexico excursion! LOL.... it's all a pipe dream, really.... I'm just gonna dream about it and wish that I was there. Maybe I'll take a weekend away somewhere & can post pics of that at least.. that I could probably afford.... SIGH. Why does money always have to get in the way??

i never said we had to go to mexico! we could go clothes shopping!! and get our nails done!! now tell me you wouldnt want to do that !!!

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@Throwaway, Hi Throwaway - I wish I could change your mind about this aging thing and regrets for what you haven't done in life...I turned 60 this year and I think the most difficult thing about aging for me (besides my body's changes) is knowing that most of my years are behind me.

You, on the other hand are only 20. To reach my age--and you probably will, because you're here and you don't want to be depressed--you have to live 40 more years. That's twice as many years as you are now.

When I was your age, I was convinced that I didn't have long to live. I'd already had a suicide attempt at 17. But when I was in my early 20s, I felt just the way you felt.

I learned that pinning my hopes of happiness on another human being was fruitless. And when I accepted that deep inside, I began to look at what I truly love to do, who I liked to be with--but not desperate to be with--things began to change. I got a job offer--a crappy job, but it got me out of my mom's house. I found that people wanted to be with me when I wasn't as needy as I used to be.

It took a lot of therapy and deliberate positive self-talk. And because I'm here and on medication, you know that things have not always been easy or as smooth as I could wish.  I've been immensely depressed. I get anxious and right now, I don't have a money-making job--I've got a patient husband and not too many expenses.

@Throwaway, I wish you happier days--or at least days where you move forward in your life. Neither of us can get those years, days, hours back. That's life and every day, I fight depression for it. 

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