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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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Got a text from an old friend of mine and just feeling really conflicted. I cut off a group of friends (of which he was a part of) when my depression got worse a few years back. They didn't do anything bad at all...they were good friends. I wanna move forward with my life, but this is bringing back painful memories. I was so happy before then (well...happy for me). Part of me really wants to text him back...but I'm probably not gonna (not like I'd have anything good to text him back with anyways) :sadwalk:

Aggghhhh...

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I woke up this morning with what I am assuming is food poisoning. I may never eat pizza again.

This week was supposed to be the official start week for work... My boss gave me Monday off to spend more time with a visiting relative (father in-law surprised us, driving more than 30 hours for a visit) 

I hope my boss doesn't think I'm just coming up with excuses not to work ... I'm sure I will hear about it tomorrow, but I'm trying not to worry about it. I've been trying very hard to think about myself before others; going to work after puking for hours, just because I'm afraid to be honest - not going to fly anymore.

 

When you're sick, you're sick ... right?

Hope everyone else's week has been better than mine so far.

:icon12:

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Like I'm a problem.

I'm in class and the only available seat is by a good friend of mine. Great, let's sit by him. My teacher (who nobody in that class likes) notices and gets all mad at us, because turns out I'm a a distraction to my friend, who's failing the class. I'm a distraction. For some reason this really makes me mad. Anyways I'm asked to move, to a seat that's way too close to the teacher (fear of adults ftw) so I asked to be moved a little bit away from the desk. She gets even more mad and tells me to sit down. I say no, because I can feel my anxiety acting up from being too close. 

She sends me outside. Tells me I'm not in trouble and that my friend is, for having a bad grade. She then proceeds to be unreasonable and say SHE makes the seating chart, not me. So I can't move.

I decide to go to the counselor's instead of going back to class.

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23 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

Since I have made an effort to really refocus myself and accept my situation and stay in the moment and detach from my ego etc, I have made progress in many ways, I feel, but I am still tired and unmotivated most of the time.  I wonder if it is normal when your making big changes (in life and perspective) to bounce around from high to low on the hope scale.  One moment I lack all hope and the next I believe I'm on the right track. It is maddening.  And it is making me wonder if I am making any progress at all.

 

 

I know this sounds cliche or BS. I've had 3 different therapists say to just stick with it. The more you make small changes and accept them, the more things will change for you. Some positive, some negative. Change is inevitable. I honestly thought I was ok with change and have learned that I think it really suxs and don't like it. Which makes all this problematic trying to get out of this pit.

The other option is sit around, feel sorry for myself, complain, spend time on here all day complaining, etc... That option doesn't move you forward. Some of that option is good. You vent with people who also feel as you do. The rest of the time needs to be more towards moving forward. Even when you take a step backwards, you did something. Better than nothing. The more energy I spend on trying, the better, most days. Then there are the days you crash and burn. You just have to accept them. The monster inside you needs its care and feeding too. So it gets those days/times. Just limit the little [email protected]#$ds time in control...

The energy is supposed to increase as you do things to move forward. So one small accomplishment gives you a tiny bit more energy. If you can keep on pushing it becomes recumbent later. I used to be this way so I know you can push through. One day my world came to a screeching halt from several major events happening within months. I'm slowly undoing the damage. I don't expect to get as good or better than before. I only expect and want to move past where I am. I'm still here and that is a long way from where I was 3 years ago. 

 

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I casually hooked up with a guy that I work with. I have never done a casual hookup thing before.  It was absolutely horrible and awkward. Not what I thought it would be like.  It opened a whole can of insecurities and now I just wanna disappear. I feel very used, stupid and ashamed. I am so angry at myself and I'm resenting him now.  I didn't think it through that I would still see him at work.  I should have never done that. I will never do casual sex again. It's not good for my mental state.  I hope this "used" feeling will pass. 

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18 minutes ago, VictorianGoth said:

I casually hooked up with a guy that I work with. I have never done a casual hookup thing before.  It was absolutely horrible and awkward. Not what I thought it would be like.  It opened a whole can of insecurities and now I just wanna disappear. I feel very used, stupid and ashamed. I am so angry at myself and I'm resenting him now.  I didn't think it through that I would still see him at work.  I should have never done that. I will never do casual sex again. It's not good for my mental state.  I hope this "used" feeling will pass. 

It happens.  Learn your lesson, but do not hate yourself for it.  None of us are perfect.

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31 minutes ago, VictorianGoth said:

I casually hooked up with a guy that I work with. I have never done a casual hookup thing before.  It was absolutely horrible and awkward. Not what I thought it would be like.  It opened a whole can of insecurities and now I just wanna disappear. I feel very used, stupid and ashamed. I am so angry at myself and I'm resenting him now.  I didn't think it through that I would still see him at work.  I should have never done that. I will never do casual sex again. It's not good for my mental state.  I hope this "used" feeling will pass. 

VG, it happens.  You tried it, you don't like it.  That's learning.  You DID nothing wrong.  It just turns out, it is wrong for you.  You could not know that beforehand.  Hold your head up!!!!  Hugs!!!

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1 hour ago, In2deep4me said:

I know this sounds cliche or BS. I've had 3 different therapists say to just stick with it. The more you make small changes and accept them, the more things will change for you. Some positive, some negative. Change is inevitable. I honestly thought I was ok with change and have learned that I think it really suxs and don't like it. Which makes all this problematic trying to get out of this pit.

The other option is sit around, feel sorry for myself, complain, spend time on here all day complaining, etc... That option doesn't move you forward. Some of that option is good. You vent with people who also feel as you do. The rest of the time needs to be more towards moving forward. Even when you take a step backwards, you did something. Better than nothing. The more energy I spend on trying, the better, most days. Then there are the days you crash and burn. You just have to accept them. The monster inside you needs its care and feeding too. So it gets those days/times. Just limit the little [email protected]#$ds time in control...

The energy is supposed to increase as you do things to move forward. So one small accomplishment gives you a tiny bit more energy. If you can keep on pushing it becomes recumbent later. I used to be this way so I know you can push through. One day my world came to a screeching halt from several major events happening within months. I'm slowly undoing the damage. I don't expect to get as good or better than before. I only expect and want to move past where I am. I'm still here and that is a long way from where I was 3 years ago. 

 

Thank you so much In2!!!!  Very wise perspective.  I really needed to hear "keep trying."  I will.  You too, I hope.

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well i just wrote out a long post but as i should have expected my phone turned off right before posting so sorry for the short post after so long.

I know I haven't been around much recently, sorry about that...

It feels like the demons are surrounding me and engulfing me and destroying me, everyday I fight and everyday it gets worse, like if I were to give up it be smoother and easier. On top of that I know I'm going crazy, and all of these things the team of doctors working on me thinks I have just proves it. I'm going back and forth between so many emotions so fast, it's f\\\ing ridiculous.

I'm so tired and weak.

I've been drinking a lot recently and I think my parents might have caught on.

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Last night I think I did go overboard with drinking. Was just hanging out with Ryan as usual but a few things did come out that I feel a bit odd about. I finally told Ryan everything that went on with my cousins and why they really just don't like me. I finally told him that "Joanna" and everything associated with "her" was basically me being delusional because Natalie and I split up. After a couple hours I walked home, drunk and passed out on my driveway.

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13 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

Got a text from an old friend of mine and just feeling really conflicted. I cut off a group of friends (of which he was a part of) when my depression got worse a few years back. They didn't do anything bad at all...they were good friends. I wanna move forward with my life, but this is bringing back painful memories. I was so happy before then (well...happy for me). Part of me really wants to text him back...but I'm probably not gonna (not like I'd have anything good to text him back with anyways) :sadwalk:

Aggghhhh...

Was he texting to ask how you were? It's probably okay if you level with him, unless you no longer trust him to be your friend.

Good luck, @Kogent5 :hugs:

 

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4 minutes ago, roadking02 said:

Last night I think I did go overboard with drinking. Was just hanging out with Ryan as usual but a few things did come out that I feel a bit odd about. I finally told Ryan everything that went on with my cousins and why they really just don't like me. I finally told him that "Joanna" and everything associated with "her" was basically me being delusional because Natalie and I split up. After a couple hours I walked home, drunk and passed out on my driveway.

Hope you're feeling better now. Passing out on the driveway, all I can think of is "OW!!!"

Take good care of yourself @roadking02. :hugs:

 

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Today I paid a couple of my son's bills, well ahead of the due date. I set a reminder on my phone to let me know when to pay them. That's done. I separated out a bunch of my paper clutter on the dining room table. Recycled some, put some in my son's folders (to keep track of for his disability stuff) and left some to be dealt with later.

That took up some time.

I got 7 hours of sleep for a change last night and had dreams of flying over the Gowanus Canal in Brooklyn, on the IKEA water taxi. It was like a waterway and airway taxi. Best dream I've had in what feels like a zillion years.

It's a small thing, but it made me feel like myself when I woke up this morning, the dream did. I felt like a kid. Happy and not scared of anything.

I know those feelings won't last, so I'm cherishing them for now.

 

 

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insomnia is now unacceptable, it is making me feel constantly sick and nauseous. I am unhappy. I want to cry. My body feels so disconnected from reality I feel like I am slipping. I had this horrible vision of an evil version of me coming into my room and climbing into my body, I can't get it out of my head.

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On 3/27/2017 at 3:29 PM, Tux said:

I feel drained as well. I have  to see my psychologist and it falls right in the middle of my time at the hospital. So I thought I'd be smart about it and told the nurse I wouldn't be in tomorrow due to my appointment. I was hoping to get two hours alone at home before having to leave but the nurse I told turned out to be the manager and was having none of it :upside:

So now I have to be in even earlier tomorrow before heading to my appointment.

Booh. :Oo:

Maybe from now on say you have Personal Business of an Urgent Nature.  Or lie and say you have some required follow-up tests and examinations based upon a prior appointment.  You'll know best what to do from now on, based upon the answer you got about tomorrow's appointment.  There are just some employers that don't do well with the truth.  Then again, I may be full of s.h.i.t. based upon your integrity scale.  Good luck with you appointment.

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Im angry I Covered my coworkers shift again because he said his stomach hurt again, I go and watch him he hangs around for an hour running around chatting up with everyone lazy SOB couldn't finish the last three hours of his shift he is bulls***ing me. Then my other coworker takes 20 minute cigarette breaks and complains when I have to go in the bathroom. I never seen people who are such deadbeats one of them bought drugs from a random guy that offered them to him while he was getting gas *** is wrong with these people. I went to my job interview at a bone grafting company so hopefully I get that job and don't have to deal with this anymore. can't believe so many people my age are such lazy deadbeats. The more people I meet the more I dislike them, especially people my age or younger they have no drive or ambition and just want to sit around mooching off there parents partying. They complain to me they have no money all the time, its because they ****ing waste it on bulls*** it makes me so god damn mad!!

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8 hours ago, Dolphin2013 said:

Was he texting to ask how you were? It's probably okay if you level with him, unless you no longer trust him to be your friend.

Good luck, @Kogent5 :hugs:

 

I don't trust anybody with my real feelings, not even my best friend. This guy was one of my closest friends in that group, but I can just imagine what kind of questions he has for me (like where the heck I've been, what I've been doing, why I abruptly disappeared...none of which have very good answers that would help rekindle the friendship).

It's not him...it's rarely the other person...it's always me and my issues. I seriously disgust myself. And I haven't texted him back :sniffle1:

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11 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

Thank you so much In2!!!!  Very wise perspective.  I really needed to hear "keep trying."  I will.  You too, I hope.

No problem, you're welcome. Believe me when I say I have to convince myself of this regularly too! Writing it is not only to share with you and others but also for myself. I have to follow these things and do my best or I'm just a hypocrite. So it holds me accountable too. So yeah buddy, please keep trying. Somehow, some way, we all have to muster up the energy to try. No one is perfect, even the supposedly sane ones... ;-)

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I'm feeling Ok tapering off of my meds so far...tonight marks another level to go down on them, so i may not be feeling so OK tomorrow.

Also i'm bored, oh so bored, now that my brain isn't so numb, i find that i'm more prone to boredom....gotta find a way to amuse myself.

Grace

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I feel trapped in my feelings. I've been breaking down over and over again it feels and I just want to keep doing it for the relief of crying mainly. I don't want to deal with the horrible thoughts but if I could just somehow get my body to release all of the depressed tension I'd be feeling a whole lot better than I feel right now. But can't break down at work, too exhausted anyways. 

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