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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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Sad, angry, desperate.

Today I engaged one owner whose so-called management company (no name, address or phone) had been feeding her misleading information.  I attempted to set the record straight, but finally gave up completely when she echoed their demand for full payment of first/last/security without a lease.  If I had the time/energy I'd get the authorities involved.  But I no longer have the stamina to be a crusader.  Eventually, I tell myself, it will catch up with them because the town in which they operate is small and has no tolerance for that kind of activity.  (I did give one town employee who I've know for years an off-the-record heads up)

All I could do was cover myself by placing a fraud alert on the three bureaus' credit reports that will alert me if anyone tries to open new credit in my name.  Unlike a credit freeze, any potential landlord's agency will still be able to access the info.  Best I can say is that I steadfastly refused to act so desperate that I'd accept any terms, no matter how blatantly unreasonable.

I'm looking at a small house tomorrow with a genuine real estate agent.  But for tonight I'll just have to content myself with crying off and on.

 

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Rolling along, a little negative, but hopeful.

It's been a little over a week since I last felt the need to vent. I've kept in contact with my friend who moved to Chicago, and she has been becoming increasingly stressed because she hasn't been able to find a job in almost 2 months, just small ones. I wish there was something I could do to help her, but she needs independence, and I need to let any romantic feelings for her fade away. Thankfully, that has been working. While we've texted nearly every day, it's just friendly, letting her know I'm around to talk.

Now for more positive news... The weather is much, much better around here. Spring is so close! It's my favorite time of year, so I'm excited. I'm planning a trip to Israel at the end of the year and I'm positively bubbling with anticipation. I got my taste for international travel in January with London and Paris, so I want to keep it up. Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, here I come!

As for my ongoing attempt at finding dates... It's been slow going. I've chatted with a few prospects, but no one ever seems very eager to actually meet for a coffee, lunch or dinner. I think part of it is my lack of forwardness. I don't understand how to cross into the "personal conversation" space without feeling uncomfortable. So I keep up the work-friendly conversations that get me nowhere.

I need to adapt. Hopefully the warmer weather means I can plan some activities.

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I woke up 4 hours before my alarm ... As positive an outlook I have for the day ahead, apparently it doesn't stop the nerves from terrorizing my stomach.

I'm sure it will go away, once I'm back in routine, for the most part. Thanks for the support yesterday!

Wishing an easier day for all of you:icon12:

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Thank you, Words.  I hope this day will be easier.

My aunt, who is visiting and leaving today (THANK. THE. UNIVERSE.), said to me in the course of a conversation, "You're beautiful from the neck up."  I immediately shot back that I told her on her last visit here, to keep her commentary about my physicality to herself.  She talked over me and said "that's not how I meant it . . . " and I said, "Of course it is.  Its' a criticism."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not.  You look better than your cousin Holly,  And you saw Shelby (my cousin's daughter) -- "

"I ASKED YOU NOT TO JUDGE ME, AND YOU HAVE."

"No, that's not how I meant it."

And blah blah blah . . .

This went on for a minute or so, which felt like an eternity, until I realized how INSANE it was.  She is obsessed with looks and critiques every woman in the family.  I've avoided her company since it happened, and I'm told she performed her crocodile tears with my mother.

CRAZY.   CRAZY.   CRAZY.

CRAZY, thy name is Anne. 

I have forgiven her, which to me, means letting it go.  But I will not spend any extended length of time in her company again.  Don't have to.  Won't do it,   That decision feels right.  I won't give her my power. 

Good day to all.  Hope we make it through with lighter hearts.

Edited by womanofthelight
punctuation
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15 hours ago, sober4life said:

I know you're right.  I just want to wake up one day and actually feel hope for my life.  I want a relaxing day.  I can't even remember the last relaxing day I've had.  I always feel like my life is caving in and I'm constantly trying to hold everything together.  Most days it's way too much for me to handle but I try to take it on anyway.

I feel the same!! I was telling my only friend left about that yesterday how much I miss feeling relaxed. It has not happened in years, and the anxiety just gets worse and worse over the years. My mind is always working, and constantly on the go, it's like you can't relax even for 5 -10 minutes..........I am glad you are able to handle it, right now I'm still stuck at home, and barely leave. I am hoping through therapy and maybe pushing myself slowly to be able to get out of the house more often. I know I will probably never live a normal life that I dream of, but anything is better than being stuck at home all day..

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10 hours ago, scienceguy said:

i hope your kitty is ok

 

Im starting to feel like money won't be a solution to my problems I just can't figure out what to do with my life, and I am feeling alot of regret about wasting my younger years. I can't believe im 26, im old to people their are people born in the year 2000 that are almost 18. I don't feel my age I feel younger than I am i don't want to start getting wrinkles and health problems, I get sore alot easier now, I am having so much trouble coping with that im aging I feel to old to be in the situation I am now, living with my parents working at a s***ty minimum wage job, im single still poor and haven't accomplished much in my life I didn't even enjoy myself when I was younger.

I know the feeling and I am so sorry you feel this way.

I am 25, haven't even got the time nor chance to finish my high school studies. I am, at this point of life, starting everything once again from the zero. It is hard, there is a lot of regret and feeling old, like you said. But we cannot turn back time. And living with regret and past memories is a big clumsy stone stuck on your leg, preventing you from seeing present time opportunities. Try living day by day, thinking of what you could do at the moment to be happier in the future. Every small achievement is a big step!

Hugs! Hope you'll feel better soon. 

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23 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I had this old '55 Chevy that was completely worn out. The old lady who owned it couldn't drive it so she gave it to me. It was a rust bucket and the engine barely ran, no matter how much work I put into it. The tires were bald and the car had no exhaust system. The seats were ripped to shreds and the driver's window wouldn't roll up. That car was SHOT.

I feel just like that car today.

I'm sorry to hear this, JD, and hope that maybe you can get by moment to moment with more hope and well being. :console:

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I'm having a difficult morning. I worked part of my shift and then covered for someone who didn't come in, so stayed until closing.

My spouse is under the weather and half of my left hand doesn't work right. But I'm feeling guilty for my negative feelings!!!! Like I caused my spouse's illness...

To make matters worse, I'm in another fog over MyOldFlame. I have to remind myself he is, or should be, dead to me.  It's because I was resentful and bored and hungry at work [relapse triggers!], I looked him up in Google [addictive behavior] and his picture appears from a time before I knew him and he's so familiar and handsome and I'm drawn like a moth to MyOldFlame. Now I feel shaky, my heart feels broken, and it's not reality!!!!

At least I slept the entire night, about 7 hours. Rare for me.

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17 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I said I wouldn't drink over her again but I did.  I love her. She's like an angel to me.  I'm the most paranoid person you will ever meet but I trust her with my life.  How is that possible?

I'm so sorry. Please forgive yourself, @sober4life. When I'm not compulsively eating, it's relationship addiction that can swoop in to fill my hours. It's like I use one to tamp down the other. But they all lead to the same thing for me: not being engaged with the real world.

I believe relapse is part of recovery and each time it happens, I learn a little (sometimes so little it hardly counts!) about who I am and what drives me.

I'm hoping you'll have a better day.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

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Thank you.  I'm a very emotional person.  I have a lot of love in me but unfortunately nobody wants me.  It's very hard because it's always been that way so I lost the weight trying to find someone that will love me.  I'm never good enough for anyone.  I'm garbage!

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19 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Thank you.  I'm a very emotional person.  I have a lot of love in me but unfortunately nobody wants me.  It's very hard because it's always been that way so I lost the weight trying to find someone that will love me.  I'm never good enough for anyone.  I'm garbage!

You sound like a so nice person. You simply can't be garbage! I don't believe you! No. 

It makes my heart cry to read how sad you feel..you deserve so much more. Many-many hugs from me and please stay strong! :hugs: 

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4 minutes ago, Lindter said:

You sound like a so nice person. You simply can't be garbage! I don't believe you! No. 

It makes my heart cry to read how sad you feel..you deserve so much more. Many-many hugs from me and please stay strong! :hugs: 

Thank you.  The last thing I want is to make other people sad.  The truth is I love everyone here.  I'm just a mess.

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@Dolphine2013 - That's the kicker. It is NOT reality. You know it isn't right. Do your best to focus on what's real and right in front of you. Fantasizing is something we all do and it's ok. It's not ok when it takes over reality. So you had a moment. You were over tired and your mind wandered. Now you have some rest. It's another day. 

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3 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Thank you.  The last thing I want is to make other people sad.  The truth is I love everyone here.  I'm just a mess.

Don't worry, I do get sad but I am also overly sensitive and emotional person which means that everything in this life affects me one way or another. Turns my moods into roller coaster.

I am glad you share with us. Being alone in your mess is the worst thing I know. 

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I feel like an empty spot at the moment. How freaking boring, silent and mad must I be that even my partner doesn't listen to me although he said he does? So mad at the moment ... and sad ... it feels more and more like I am a dust speaking to empty walls. 

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On 3/19/2017 at 1:59 PM, evalynn said:

My dad just called to say my mom is being released from the hospital! She's going to be over here today so I can stay with her while my dad takes my sister to an appointment. I'm pretty nervous about her having an emergency sometimes while it's just me and her. I don't know why I never bothered to learn the Heimlich maneuver. But my dad said he'd feed her beforehand, so I don't have to worry about that at least tomorrow. 

Very interesting.  When I was younger, I was always on a diet and eating crunchy vegetables like carrots, or raw nuts.  I've lived alone most of my adult life and you be surprised to know how many times I've had to use that maneuver on myself!  It's worth learning, Evalynn, "just in case."  :flowers:

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