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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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Just found out today I have a slight atrhrosis in my lumber spine.. Nothing serious or restricting.

But enought to warrant a couple of days more sick leave as my back is still tender..

I suppose all this makes me officially old now.Hahaha

Didn't sleep much last night. Weird dreams of second-hand bookshops and forgetting names of books..Had the same dream before but only remebered this morning.  Perhaps I'm dreaming of dementia before I have it. Haha.

I feel weird, boys and girls. Like life truly IS over and I have nothing to look foward to than decline, poverty and death. I'd like to jump over the first two thank you very much. 

Strange days.

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Disgusted and defeated...despite the Zoloft.

My HIV agency has all but abandoned me and for no good reason except that I expect them to act responsibly.  They've ignored script refill requests, my case manager specifically promised to call and didn't, my T has been finding excuses not to meet.  In my health, I don't have the stamina to keep fighting them and my HIV.

My move has gone down the crapper.  It was bad enough my current owners tried to consistently chip away at our agreement.  Now I'm finding greedy, incompetent landlords/"management" companies who have no ethics or respect for the most basic obligations (i.e., a clean unit, appliances in good condition, etc.).  I'm oversimplifying, but that's it...and I have a good FICO.  I can't imagine what it's like for someone who doesn't.

To be perfectly honest, I'm feeling like these are my last days.

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How i feel is expressed in anime music videos, sometimes words cannot do it. I fought so hard to be normal, to be the big brother while my deaf brother succeeds and i fail. it's humiliating cause of my fear of being out. Being alone as well is the hardest part, is there any soul out there like mine, i isolated for years at times. i did shop and get my food and so  on but a event made me a hermit.

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I had this old '55 Chevy that was completely worn out. The old lady who owned it couldn't drive it so she gave it to me. It was a rust bucket and the engine barely ran, no matter how much work I put into it. The tires were bald and the car had no exhaust system. The seats were ripped to shreds and the driver's window wouldn't roll up. That car was SHOT.

I feel just like that car today.

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Tomorrow is the day I go back to work, and as excited as I try to be, I still find myself a sudden nervous wreck. It's entirely childish, but I could have said no (my boss asked me if I was available to start tomorrow, im sure I could have come up with many reasons why tomorrow wasn't enough notice), but I want to work again, of course I realize that it's going to start again sooner or later. So then I struggled a moment, after agreeing to come in, if I should risk taking the bus in the morning ( sometimes its full and I can't get on ) or if I should message another employee who let me hitch a ride in the mornings last season (I paid of course, but messaging out of the blue to ask for something seems wrong to me)

Alas - I tried to be brave, asking boss if others were coming in as well. I was told to contact a different employee ( for no specific reason other than he's coming in not the other person ) but he and I didn't get along all that great last year, nothing major but, I'm sensitive to awkward uncomfortable vibes I guess ... Whatever, I don't have his number anyways, so that's fine. I'll risk the bus, or if I wake up early enough I'll do the over hour walk.

I'm more just annoyed that im crying. That I'm excited to go to work, but before anything even remotely happens, a million bad situations and conversations have gone through my head, and I'm afraid to go. I have no real reason to be. They asked me back for a reason.

I'm just tired of being afraid.

I really just want to be able to embrace the day with all my heart, to be able to just go for it.

 

Now I'm just trying to think of ways to make my last day of freedom worth while.

Edited by WordsInTheWind
Trying to stay positive about it.
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I know you're right.  I just want to wake up one day and actually feel hope for my life.  I want a relaxing day.  I can't even remember the last relaxing day I've had.  I always feel like my life is caving in and I'm constantly trying to hold everything together.  Most days it's way too much for me to handle but I try to take it on anyway.

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6 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I know you're right.  I just want to wake up one day and actually feel hope for my life.  I want a relaxing day.  I can't even remember the last relaxing day I've had.  I always feel like my life is caving in and I'm constantly trying to hold everything together.  Most days it's way too much for me to handle but I try to take it on anyway.

You have enough hope to try, even if you can't always see it ... I wish I had more to offer you, something more concrete that I could promise you - all I can say is that I have tried and failed at many, many things; most times I have given up, on my own volition. In my own opinion, the only thing worse than facing depression every day, is facing the man regrets for which I have no one to blame but myself.

I envy your strength, and I believe in your convictions to stay sober - keep trying, as hard as it may always be, it is more than worth it.

 

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Thank you I am a strong willed person.  All of the men in my family are the most stubborn people you will ever meet.  If you tell me I can't do something I will do it just to prove you wrong no matter how impossible it seems.  I don't think my addiction is alcohol.  It is an addiction don't get me wrong but it's much more complicated than that.  My addiction is an overall obsession with being perfect in every way possible.  It dominates every aspect of my life from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep.  Take the holiday weekend for example.  It wasn't enough for me to stay sober.  I also had to diet and exercise and lose as much weight as possible at the same time.  Even then I felt like a failure that wasn't doing enough.  I don't think there will ever be a time when I'm satisfied with myself.

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4 minutes ago, WordsInTheWind said:

I would guess - you would be much closer to satisfaction knowing you didn't stop trying, if anything at all.

Thank you for your support.  It means everything to me.  I think my obsession with being perfect comes from my low self esteem.  No matter how hard I try or what I do I always feel like I'm not good enough for the people around me.  I fear rejection so much that I will push myself way beyond my capability.  More than anything I wish I could look in the mirror one day and love myself and think I'm good enough but I don't see it happening.

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3 minutes ago, sober4life said:

 

Thank you for your support.  It means everything to me.  I think my obsession with being perfect comes from my low self esteem.  No matter how hard I try or what I do I always feel like I'm not good enough for the people around me.  I fear rejection so much that I will push myself way beyond my capability.  More than anything I wish I could look in the mirror one day and love myself and think I'm good enough but I don't see it happening.

At the risk of sounding spiritual - These things don't appear until we have stopped longing for them.  I believe entirely - that day will come for you.

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11 minutes ago, Natasha1 said:

@WordsInTheWind you got this. You will do great!

@sober4life because you are super strong. Because you are the Superman of winning this battle. Bcause people care about you and dont want you to harm yourself. Because you owe it to youself not too. Hugs.

Thank you.  I won't harm myself I promise.  I know people worry about me here and care about me here.  Some of the best people I have met in my life I met here.  It's such a hard battle to go through but I will win.  I'm just very sad right now.  My biggest problem is I fall in love so easily and in the long run that usually leads to a lot of pain.

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27 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Thank you.  I won't harm myself I promise.  I know people worry about me here and care about me here.  Some of the best people I have met in my life I met here.  It's such a hard battle to go through but I will win.  I'm just very sad right now.  My biggest problem is I fall in love so easily and in the long run that usually leads to a lot of pain.

Ain't that the truth? People on this site know more about me than my own family.

Love is a sucker's game. I love a woman who lives 1800 miles away. I'm not going to give up on seeing her in person...ever. In spite of this universe conspiring against my every move.

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33 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Thank you.  I won't harm myself I promise.  I know people worry about me here and care about me here.  Some of the best people I have met in my life I met here.  It's such a hard battle to go through but I will win.  I'm just very sad right now.  My biggest problem is I fall in love so easily and in the long run that usually leads to a lot of pain.

I understand completely about falling in love easily. I am glad you won't harm yourself.  Sitting with pain is not fun. ugh.

So I sympathize.

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I jammed my fingers and sprained one badly. Yesterday, I fell, going UP the stairs. It's like I tripped on my own feet. Yesterday I thought it was okay but today I went to Urgent Care--they sent me to get my hand x-rayed since they don't have the necessary equipment (based on how much it costs per patient). Then back and and the PA taped my fingers together (a buddy bandage, something like that, he called it) (where you tape an injured limb to a non-injured one in place of a splint).

I'm okay, but my morning was shot. And I'm glad nothing is broken.

my middle finger is the one that's sprained badly. Typing has been difficult. Have to be at work, where hopefully, I won't have to type much.

Cold compress time...

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39 minutes ago, Dolphin2013 said:

I understand completely about falling in love easily. I am glad you won't harm yourself.  Sitting with pain is not fun. ugh.

So I sympathize.

I feel so terrible that I have worried people so much.  No I won't harm myself.  I'm glad to have true friends that care that help me when I'm doing bad.  I love my friends!

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51 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

Worried about my kitty after finding a bunch of brown spots in his eye/iris.  Looked it up online and it could be benign or malignant.  Obviously hoping and praying it's benign.  Will take him to the vet Friday.  

Also very nervous about my comedy showcase Thurs night.  But excited!

i hope your kitty is ok

 

Im starting to feel like money won't be a solution to my problems I just can't figure out what to do with my life, and I am feeling alot of regret about wasting my younger years. I can't believe im 26, im old to people their are people born in the year 2000 that are almost 18. I don't feel my age I feel younger than I am i don't want to start getting wrinkles and health problems, I get sore alot easier now, I am having so much trouble coping with that im aging I feel to old to be in the situation I am now, living with my parents working at a s***ty minimum wage job, im single still poor and haven't accomplished much in my life I didn't even enjoy myself when I was younger.

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So my Dad knows about Renee now... A lot of people are wanting an album from me, wondering about delays and what caused them. Medical reasons aside, I can't tour. "Critical" didn't do well enough to fund it or even well enough for a full album. So that's the main thing holding me back... Renee is concerned about me because of feeling so depressed today. I had mentioned that I should've jumped from a balcony the other night. Maybe I should've because no matter what I try to do I'll never be normal because God (if there even is one) ****ed up. I'm the only one in my entire blood line who will ever have VACTERL syndrome. The only one in my family who isn't really living that great of a life.

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