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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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2 hours ago, LoneSquirrel said:

Do you know what things you like to do?  If I remember correctly, there seems to be confusion about what your diagnosis should be, but if you aren't enjoying anything, that can be linked to depression.  And not liking anything can make a person feel like they don't know who they are.  :unsure:

I'm just tired of going through the same old.

It's not even about a diagnosis. It wouldn't change anything in it's self. No amount of  pills or therapy will change the discontent I feel about myself and the world. I've had my share of both, pills and therapy too. Haha.  In my case life boils down to constant estrangement and discontent in life. I'm detached from the world and myself.

I was diagnosed with idiopathic insomnia, burnout, and depression 13 years back. The depression part was probably caused by not sleeping properly for most of my life and not really being in control with my life..for the simple reason I've never felt good about myself. No self-esteem, no passion..Not being good at anything and showing little aptitude for anything. I've always been prone to violent moodswings, shortemperedness and lack of patience and despite being either low or high, having constant racing thoughts. No peace in my head at all. Mixed feature bipolar/BPD. Whatever. 

Most importantly,  I've hidden all this from EVERYBODY, even myself at times.

I'm just this inner deadness as I now recognize it to be.

An angry Dead with a racing mind.

Quite the zombie. 

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4 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

You have taken great offense to something that I intended as a mild observation to a single comment of yours (not an insult), and now I feel like you are attacking me bitterly and relentlessly.   I am not trying to "beat you into submission" by expressing my own opinions.  Perhaps my words were not well chosen but this is a very painful subject for me. I certainly never said anything REMOTELY indicating that I think your experiences and opinions are worthless, and I do see why you hold the opinions that you do. 

I'm sorry I said your comment was "juvenile" - as I said, that was only meant to apply to one sentence of yours and not to all of your opinions generally.  "Naive" would have been a better word.  This is an extremely painful subject for me and I'm sorry I brought it up at all, since experience has shown me that people without serious facial flaw or deformity just don't understand it (much like people without severe depression don't understand it).

I still consider you a friend and I would ask that we now move this discussion to PM.

Hugs,

Lauryn

I'm attacking you bitterly and relentlessly?  I wrote a post in support of you, and you told me my thinking was "juvenile."  "Naive" wouldn't have been much of an improvement.  After I told you your post hurt me, you continued on with your arguments.  So who is attacking who?

How did you think I would react to you calling my thinking juvenile?  Did you think I would say, "oh yes, I see what you mean.  My thoughts are totally wrong in light of the fact that you have said they are juvenile." ???  If you believed that that would be my reaction, then you are in no position to call my thinking juvenile or naive.  But I don't think you thought that at all; I think you knew I would perceive it as a jab, and that's why you said it.

I've been on both sides of the fence on this issue: I've been the pretty one, and I've been the gross one.  You can call me naive all you want, but you're mistaken about that.  The fact that my experiences don't match up with yours doesn't make me naive.  

As far as moving this discussion to PM...recent events here have taught me that I will be painted as the bad guy if I cannot document what I've said, so no thank you to that.  I'd rather have people see what I've said--and be able to stand by what I've said--than allow others to say things about me that I cannot refute.

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Ok, I guess. Not great, not horrible. But I've only been up for an hour, so the day is young.

I never heard from my dad yesterday about my mom's condition, so I'm taking that to mean that she's stable. I'm still nervous about her situation, but I'm trying to be positive.

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My dad just called to say my mom is being released from the hospital! She's going to be over here today so I can stay with her while my dad takes my sister to an appointment. I'm pretty nervous about her having an emergency sometimes while it's just me and her. I don't know why I never bothered to learn the Heimlich maneuver. But my dad said he'd feed her beforehand, so I don't have to worry about that at least tomorrow. 

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It's an up and down thing with me, but I want to report greater detachment from MyOldFlame. I feel, cautiously, as if I'd had a breakthrough. Much of it has to do with what I've been writing and some has to do with real life. Like work. And how I am glad to have the DF and all of you who understand the mess our minds & brain chemistry can make of our lives.

I recently bought a yearbook (via eBay) that I thought would have MOF's picture in it. When it arrived, I was so nervous. I didn't want to open it find I'd spent X amount of money for nothing. But there he was, where I thought he'd be--but his facial hair just made me burst into silly laughter. I thought of how this younger MOF was trying to look hip or cool or serious. And he had such a scowl on his face.

The monster that he was, or that I made him disappeared completely in that moment and all I felt was a kind of universal sense of love--like loving humanity. On one hand, I saw him in that picture, realized I had no idea who he was (it would have been about 10 years before our affair), but that I was highly amused but not attached to MOF in the picture.

I'll take it. Even if it's not going to last longer than these minutes now. I take this feeling of letting go with love.

 

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On 3/18/2017 at 11:51 AM, KidSurvivor2011 said:

I want to just sit here and cry.

I feel alone, stupid, guilty, and worthless. I probably am anyway.

 

- KS

You may be alone. We all are. And often we all feel stupid, guilty, and worthless. You are not those things alone.

You are KidSurvivor. You are supportive, you are often upbeat, and I know you are smart.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

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1 hour ago, Azealia said:

thie whole day I've been feeling like I'd been in a marathon and hadn't eaten in 2 days. CaN'T mOVE

Please eat something, Azealia. I hardly ate yesterday and by the end of the day, I felt so sick, so I can only imagine how you feel.

You deserve the energy that food can give you. Please eat.

:hugs::hugs:

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34 minutes ago, Dolphin2013 said:

Please eat something, Azealia. I hardly ate yesterday and by the end of the day, I felt so sick, so I can only imagine how you feel.

You deserve the energy that food can give you. Please eat.

:hugs::hugs:

Hey Dolphin thank you for caring! <3 I've actually been eating pretty well lately... I just FELT like I hadn't been today+excersized way too much... despite eating. And having done nothing. Just woke up like that. Like what happened to energy? Where does it go? Where are the answers.

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5 minutes ago, evalynn said:

The usual nighttime anxiety: knowing I should try to fall asleep at a reasonable hour, but that I'll end up watching TV and reading most of the night.

Ugh. I'm right there with you. Although, I wouldn't call mine anxiety at night - my anxiety is highest during the day, think. I guess I feel like it is calmer at night, everything is still, so I want to be awake during that time... but, at the same time, I wish I could just go to sleep like I know I should - especially if I am going to be able to go back to work soon. I'm still too scared to take the Doxepin, so I've been downing Zzzquil, but I still don't actually fall asleep until after 3 a.m. most nights. 

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