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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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27 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

Thanks (((((((hugs))))))) and perhaps I am exaggerating my flaws (I hope so).  I am quite serious about the plastic surgery though, for these damn jowls.  In a few years....

p.s. if you met me IRL, you would never think that I dislike the way I look.  I really do try not to let it bother me for the most part, and try to see my good features (like my hazel eyes) and focus on my positive attributes in other ways.    It has been tough though, knowing a woman who is so damn beautiful and seeing how others treat her.  I hope I don't sound shallow or insecure - I am neither.  I need to just accept what I can't change.

Yeah, my friend growing up (still a good friend, but he lives in CA) was pretty much the Studdly Thunderrocks of our school.  The ladies loved him. And, I was the elephant man (age has been kind to me, in that I have improved somewhat appearance-wise).  Anyway, I know what you mean CC!!!

 

 

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11 hours ago, LoneSquirrel said:

Sounds like a dissociative episode.  I hope you're feeling better now, PB. :flowers:

Odd, considering I've never had one before.  I've got a pretty bad/selective memory, so I could have just forgotten everything.  My brain's favorite coping mechanism is to forget whatever bad thing happened to me.  As a result, I can't even remember an argument a day after having it.

Thank you for the kind words! 

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I'm in a pretty good mood, having quite a lucky day in terms of days.  Might be worth writing in my journal about.

I beat my mile time by two minutes, then my friends and I looked through the clovers and each of us found a four-leaf clover!  That was pretty neat. English class was peacefully easy for once, and I got to jot down some story ideas.  At lunch I found out that my two friends who I had been trying to set up since they had liked each other for months, finally got together!

So, a pretty good day.  I'm excited to do a voice call with some of my internet friends tonight.  Let's just pray that nothing goes wrong today!

Edited by PraiseBrownies
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3 hours ago, evalynn said:

Sad and scared. I was woken up by a phone call that my mom is being sent to the hospital. She was choking on some food, and they had to do chest compressions. Lately with her dementia, she doesn't properly chew and swallow her food. The last time she was with me she kept coughing bad. I hope she's all right now. It was pretty scary to wake up to a phone call like that. I'll be nervously waiting for my dad's call to hear that's she's ok.

I hope everything goes okay.

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I feel like a dead end here too. Nothing gives me any joy any more. Not even junk food, that was my last hope. I am pondering my life and my existence.... why do I even bother when nothing ever helps me feel better? This is a joke

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I am forced to do mind-numbing tasks every minute or every day and live in depressing environments for a lifetime, and yet some people still have the gall to say that I should just smile, be perfect, and miraculously stop being depressed on my own.

And yet these people who think they know it all don't do a single thing to help me improve neither my work nor my environment. That's what I get from people who have 30 years of experience in psychology who are experts at everything they get their hands on.

On the bright side, unlike them, I don't have anything positive in my life. But at least I'm not giving them any of my money. I am not buying their lies because I don't need to.

Edited by The_Unwanted
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1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

I feel like a dead end here too. Nothing gives me any joy any more. Not even junk food, that was my last hope. I am pondering my life and my existence.... why do I even bother when nothing ever helps me feel better? This is a joke

Ladysmurf, wish I did not relate to what you are sharing... so sorry that you are experiencing these negative thoughts and feelings. I am grateful to you for sharing; I feel less alone. 

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8 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

to Natasha, gs22, salparadise, praisebrownies, and all who responded to my previous post.

Thank you so much.  The reason I was feeling so unloved and rejected was that all 4 of my 4 close friends have declined to attend my comedy performance next week.  A few have decent excuses, but I feel like all but 1 could make the effort to attend.  I do still have some people attending, including my husband, sister-in-law, niece, and a casual friend from my writers' group. 

I tend to assume that my physical appearance is a big part of why I don't have many friends, or why my friends don't seem too devoted to me.  The partial reason is that I compare my situation to a woman in my extended family who is just 5 years younger than me (42, looks 32), and I have for years witnessed how people adore her upon first sight, and not just males.  She has long, wavy red hair and bright blue eyes and fine features (no freckles).  You would think she had won the Nobel prize the way people praise her red hair and beauty.  She has a huge circle of friends and I'm sure if she were getting up on stage for any reason would have dozens of people attending.  I am not being mean or vain when I saw that I am more intelligent and articulate than her, funnier, better educated and well read.  Those are facts.  Nor does she have a better career or more interesting hobbies than me (I am a published writer).She is warm and caring, but so am I, and I do have decent social skills although perhaps not quite as good as hers, for obvious reasons.  The one big difference is our looks.  I have a fat face (jowls) protuberant eyes and bad skin.  I don't even like admitting that  because I am afraid that, even here, I will be rejected for it.  People don't like to admit they judge by appearances, but everybody does.  Even me - although I try REALLY HARD not to.

So I wind up questioning my basic lovability and feeling like people do not value me as highly because I'm not beautiful or attractive.

I really need to save for plastic surgery.  Maybe if I can be a little better looking, people could love me more easily. 

 

Jealousy is definitely a curse, and I know we've all felt this way at some time.  My son has better hair than me and I'm jealous.  What is it about hair that attracts people! :dontgetit:

You'll never be rejected here Lauryn, this is a safe place for all of us.:hugs:

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7 hours ago, evalynn said:

Sad and scared. I was woken up by a phone call that my mom is being sent to the hospital. She was choking on some food, and they had to do chest compressions. Lately with her dementia, she doesn't properly chew and swallow her food. The last time she was with me she kept coughing bad. I hope she's all right now. It was pretty scary to wake up to a phone call like that. I'll be nervously waiting for my dad's call to hear that's she's ok.

 

5 hours ago, evalynn said:

My dad called to update me, but all he said is they haven't let them see her yet and that he doesn't think she's breathing on her own yet. I'm really scared.

I'm so sorry evalynn :hugs:I can definitely relate, I've been through a similar thing with my mother in hospital (misdiagnosed lung infection followed by a mental breakdown) and it's very scary.  I hope your mum will be ok.

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4 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

Yeah, my friend growing up (still a good friend, but he lives in CA) was pretty much the Studdly Thunderrocks of our school.  The ladies loved him. And, I was the elephant man (age has been kind to me, in that I have improved somewhat appearance-wise).  Anyway, I know what you mean CC!!!

 

 

Studdly Thunderrocks :roll2:.  I had a friend like that in school too.  She had the looks, the hair, the figure, while I was a walking skeleton (yes one of my nicknames was skele:sigh:)

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8 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

to Natasha, gs22, salparadise, praisebrownies, and all who responded to my previous post.

Thank you so much.  The reason I was feeling so unloved and rejected was that all 4 of my 4 close friends have declined to attend my comedy performance next week.  A few have decent excuses, but I feel like all but 1 could make the effort to attend.  I do still have some people attending, including my husband, sister-in-law, niece, and a casual friend from my writers' group. 

I tend to assume that my physical appearance is a big part of why I don't have many friends, or why my friends don't seem too devoted to me.  The partial reason is that I compare my situation to a woman in my extended family who is just 5 years younger than me (42, looks 32), and I have for years witnessed how people adore her upon first sight, and not just males.  She has long, wavy red hair and bright blue eyes and fine features (no freckles).  You would think she had won the Nobel prize the way people praise her red hair and beauty.  She has a huge circle of friends and I'm sure if she were getting up on stage for any reason would have dozens of people attending.  I am not being mean or vain when I saw that I am more intelligent and articulate than her, funnier, better educated and well read.  Those are facts.  Nor does she have a better career or more interesting hobbies than me (I am a published writer).She is warm and caring, but so am I, and I do have decent social skills although perhaps not quite as good as hers, for obvious reasons.  The one big difference is our looks.  I have a fat face (jowls) protuberant eyes and bad skin.  I don't even like admitting that  because I am afraid that, even here, I will be rejected for it.  People don't like to admit they judge by appearances, but everybody does.  Even me - although I try REALLY HARD not to.

So I wind up questioning my basic lovability and feeling like people do not value me as highly because I'm not beautiful or attractive.

I really need to save for plastic surgery.  Maybe if I can be a little better looking, people could love me more easily. 

 

I have a similar issue with my weight and romantic relationships.  I'm sure it has everything to do with the fact that my only attention from my father growing up was in the form of insulting jokes or mean comments...most of them about my weight...even when I was an underweight little kid.  Then when I became chunky during puberty, my mother started to chime in with her not-so-subtle comments ("do you really think you need that cookie?"  "Those skirts are for skinny girls." Etc.)  And an eating disorder was born (that was the reason for my first psychiatric hospitalization, actually).

So I also think about physical characteristics and how they affect how others treat me.  I am definitely treated differently now than I was when I was younger and skinnier.

The thing about altering your appearance is that you have to wonder what sort of person you are catering to when you do that.  Are you going to attract friends who will stand by you through thick and thin?  If they care so much about your appearance, are they going to stick around and be your friend when you are having health problems or grieving a loss?  Probably not.  The sort of person who will only be friends with you if you look a certain way is not usually the sort of person who will go with you to the hospital when you have a scary test to undergo, or will help you move, or will answer the phone at 3 a.m. when something terrible happens and you need to talk.

When you think about it, identifying the people who are into having "hot" friends is a good way to w33d out people who are going to be s****y friends.  I used to have a friend who was like that.  She thought it was okay to bring up my weight gain when I suggested that she try a different medication for her depression ("I don't want to try any of the meds that made you fat.")  She also happened to be very unsupportive when my dad was dying, despite the fact that--according to her--her own dad was terminally ill with cancer.  Bad friend.  We're not friends anymore.

I understand that people are more drawn to those who they find physically attractive, but there are other ways that people become drawn to one another.  For instance, somebody can think I'm fat, but if I can make them laugh they enjoy that...so they enjoy talking to me.  Whether or not the relationship goes any further than that depends on a lot of factors, but I can initially attract friends by making them laugh.  And if they seem to think, "she's funny, but she's too fat to be my friend," then it's probably not much of a loss long-term, because that person would've wound up abandoning me when I needed them anyway.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's not worth it to undergo dangerous plastic surgery so that shallow people will like you more. 

We like you here.  We value what you have to say.  We care how you feel.  I know that's not the same as having your offline friends show up for you, but it shows that you are interesting, have substance and that people like who you are and enjoy interacting with you.  You have value.  It may not be as obvious to shallow people, but shallow people don't make good friends anyway.

I can't speak about what the reasons are that your friends aren't showing up.  Perhaps they all have different reasons that have nothing to do with any of this.  There's no way for me to know...but I do know that if they aren't showing up because they value you less based on your looks, they aren't great friends anyway.

Hugs to you, Lauryn.  :hugs:  I hope your performance goes well and you're able to enjoy it!!!  You deserve it!!!  :flowers:

 

 

Edited by LoneSquirrel
"garden shrub" LoL
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7 hours ago, evalynn said:

Sad and scared. I was woken up by a phone call that my mom is being sent to the hospital. She was choking on some food, and they had to do chest compressions. Lately with her dementia, she doesn't properly chew and swallow her food. The last time she was with me she kept coughing bad. I hope she's all right now. It was pretty scary to wake up to a phone call like that. I'll be nervously waiting for my dad's call to hear that's she's ok.

I'm sorry, evalynn. :console:

I hope everything is okay.

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5 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Thanks (((((((hugs))))))) and perhaps I am exaggerating my flaws (I hope so).  I am quite serious about the plastic surgery though, for these damn jowls.  In a few years....

p.s. if you met me IRL, you would never think that I dislike the way I look.  I really do try not to let it bother me for the most part, and try to see my good features (like my hazel eyes) and focus on my positive attributes in other ways.    It has been tough though, knowing a woman who is so damn beautiful and seeing how others treat her.  I hope I don't sound shallow or insecure - I am neither.  I need to just accept what I can't change.

I think we all get down about that kind of stuff sometimes.  I just hope you won't let it color how you feel about yourself overall, Lauryn.  :hugs:

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5 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Sorry but this is wishful thinking in my view.  How you look does indeed influence how others treat you - up to and including love.  I think it's different when you meet someone before you know what they look like.  But thanks for saying you have good feelings about me.  :)

I think saying that I may be projecting my feelings onto others is just one more way of "blaming the victim."  People can't possibly be rejecting me based on my looks, therefore I must be imagining it or causing it in some way.  I've seen the same thing with kids.  The less attractive ones are often less popular, and the other kids make up reasons for it because even children don't want to admit they are discriminating based on looks.

Hey, Lauryn.  I assumed she meant that you may be feeling unattractive, and that you may be thinking that that is the reason why your friends are acting this way, when they may be acting this way for other reasons. 

I can't speak for WOTL, but that's what I thought she meant. 

:flowers:

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5 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

I am feeling a little better thanks to a friend here on DF who told me that when he's been acting in plays (he's an actor), his friends and family didn't offer him much support.   That does make me feel a bit less alone.  And perhaps (I hope) I am wrong about my friends not valuing me or loving me, and about it being related to my appearance.  I've been feeling very scared of getting up on stage.  I've noticed that most female comedians (on Netflix for instance) are extremely physically attractive, and so are all of the women in my comedy class.  So, yes, it's intimidating being among them.  It's like I need my set to be twice as funny in order to fit in.  

Hugs, Lauryn.  :hugs:

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49 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

p.s. I want to make it clear that I would only be undergoing one procedure (for jowls) - it's not like I'm going to have massive operations to make me look like Selena Gomez or something.

Go for it Lauryn, it's not good when your cheeks start sliding off your face.  You'll probably look and feel much younger afterwards and improve your confidence too. :thumbs-up:

Edited by PurpleStorm
spelling mistake
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1 hour ago, CoolCat7 said:

Unfortunately many of the judgements we make about appearance, and our attraction (sexual or non-sexual) to attractive people is subconscious.  It's not just "a certain type of person," or a shallow person, who is attracted to good looks - we all are.  And it's not just a certain kind of person whose love and loyalty to someone is influenced by appearance.   Obviously other things influence it as well, but there is no such thing as a person who is not influenced by appearance - except perhaps in cases where people initially meet online.  Even then.... There's a reason many people post their photos.  And yes there may be people (such as my current friends obviously) who can at least partially look beyond physical appearance to my other qualities).  It doesn't change the facts.

So, my chances of attracting people who will stand by me through thick and thin may indeed be greater if I can improve my appearance - simply because more people will be inclined to get to know me, some of those friendships will become strong, and so on. 

Plastic surgery isn't statistically that dangerous, BTW, and as I said, it's not just shallow people who are influenced by good looks.  My mind is made up.  As soon as I can afford it, I'm going under the knife.

 

Yes, of course we are all influenced by looks.  And I'm not trying to say that being influenced by looks makes a person terrible.  But if someone is worried about the "looks" factor to the degree that they aren't willing to interact with you if your looks don't meet their standards, I don't think they're going to be a dependable friend.

And I'm not saying there's something wrong with you wanting plastic surgery...I just think it's something you should only do if it's something you really want...not because there are some people out there who may not appreciate you as you are.  :hugs:

 

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7 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

I feel like a dead end here too. Nothing gives me any joy any more. Not even junk food, that was my last hope. I am pondering my life and my existence.... why do I even bother when nothing ever helps me feel better? This is a joke

Lady, I am so sorry.  I wish I could do something that would help you.  :icon12:  :console:

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