Jump to content

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

Recommended Posts

The thing that makes me spring up in the morning is proving the world wrong.  This world has counted me out countless times and I just laugh and prove them wrong.  I need to stay sober for 11 more days to get to 31 days.  If I can get there then I am well enough to work again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Quentin -- it's so good to hear from you.  Congratulations on getting help with your power bill.  This surgery could be a positive thing in your life.  It may relieve some of the physical and emotional distress.  I know what it's like to recover from something with no on around to help you.  I was literally crawling around my apartment, not wanting to increase the pain in my back.  And since this surgery is in your "front," I think you really need someone around to help you recover.  Can you have the surgery in Naples? Is your sister single?  Maybe she could come stay with you for a while if you can't have the surgery there.

Anyway I wish you relief, support and good health.  You deserve it. 

Just wanted to echo what others have said, it is good to hear from you on the forum. Hoping you have great visits with your family. Wishing you all the best. Lex

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Releved that my dog's vet appointment went Ok. Meaning after a few bites, I got the muzzle on her (they insist on one ever since she bit a nurse). She got her blood work  done, her bordellos (sp?) shot, and her nails clipped.  They also they found an ear infection. Getting the ear drops in her ears is going to be fun *sarcasm*. But at least they caught the infection. 

After dropping the doggy home, we went to my new favorite Mexican restaurant for some yummy tacos with onions and cilantro and a side of rice and beans. I still have two tacos left, so I'm pleasantly full and happy I won't have to cook dinner tonight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

To anyone who needed a response and whom I haven't responded to:  Sorry, but I'm just very, very upset myself right now and don't have the energy to give a lot of responses.   BIG HUG to you.

:console:

Back at you CoolCat!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

Really, really terrible.

Apparently I am not the kind of person who inspires love and loyalty in others.

I find it hard not to attribute it to my physical appearance.

You are a wonderful person in all ways. Always remember that!!

Hugs!!!

Nat

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/14/2017 at 3:47 AM, evalynn said:

This is why I'm afraid of being a mother. I don't know if I'm stable enough to provide a healthy environment for a child. I have a friend whose mother has bipolar disorder, and he's had challenges dealing with that. On the other hand, I would never tell someone not to have kid's because of a mental illness. I don't know. It's a tricky situation. 

 

 

On 3/14/2017 at 4:31 AM, LoneSquirrel said:

So I'm not looking to become a mother.  I think it's best for everyone if I don't consider that option.  Mental illness is a problem on both sides of my family, and any child of mine would likely suffer from some degree of mental illness.  I don't want to be responsible for that, and I don't think it's something I have a right to inflict on someone.  Maybe if my depression and anxiety weren't so severe, and I could be a good role model...but that isn't the case.

I feel guilty and selfish for having my son.  I should never have considered having kids.  I love him to bits and he is the light in my life, I don't think I'd be here if I didn't have him but I have, as I suspected I would, passed on this dreadful disease to him. He is extremely intelligent but unfortunately can't cope with mainstream school so is currently attending a flexible learning campus that is part of the high school.  He is capable of so much more but his anxiety stops him from doing anything.  He only leaves the house to go to school and it breaks my heart to think of his future.  And the fact he's an only child makes it worse, I'm all he's got. :sniffle1:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Really, really terrible.

Apparently I am not the kind of person who inspires love and loyalty in others.

I find it hard not to attribute it to my physical appearance.

Ah, Cool.  I am sorry you are feeling that way, my dear. I, we, love U!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Really, really terrible.

Apparently I am not the kind of person who inspires love and loyalty in others.

I find it hard not to attribute it to my physical appearance.

I find this hard to believe, CoolCat. 

Inspiring love and loyalty comes from your heart, soul or spirit, it comes from who you are.  It comes from being the wonderful person that you are.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

To anyone who needed a response and whom I haven't responded to:  Sorry, but I'm just very, very upset myself right now and don't have the energy to give a lot of responses.   BIG HUG to you.

:console:

You have nothing to be sorry for.  Save your energy for yourself, you always give so much support here.

I'm sorry you're feeling upset, a big hug for you :hugs:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, PurpleStorm said:

 

I feel guilty and selfish for having my son.  I should never have considered having kids.  I love him to bits and he is the light in my life, I don't think I'd be here if I didn't have him but I have, as I suspected I would, passed on this dreadful disease to him. He is extremely intelligent but unfortunately can't cope with mainstream school so is currently attending a flexible learning campus that is part of the high school.  He is capable of so much more but his anxiety stops him from doing anything.  He only leaves the house to go to school and it breaks my heart to think of his future.  And the fact he's an only child makes it worse, I'm all he's got. :sniffle1:

I remember well your son's issues, Purple.  The guilt you feel is real, and I understand it.  That is how you feel.  It is not, however, the truth.  You are a great mother and you and your son have each other and you are coping together, and, heck, what more can a child ask?  I don't mean to be dismissive, as I have similar guilt about my anxious kids.  But, we do the best we can, don't we?  And you, I know, have excelled as a mom!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

To anyone who needed a response and whom I haven't responded to:  Sorry, but I'm just very, very upset myself right now and don't have the energy to give a lot of responses.   BIG HUG to you.

:console:

Don't be sorry, you're so supportive here and it's okay if you're tired.

*hug*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, Lindter said:

I feel the same. I would like to answer to many posts written, I even had some thoughts to share but there just isn't enough strength to do it. I feel worn out..

It happens.  But you know, even a short response like yours is helpful.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, PurpleStorm said:

 

I feel guilty and selfish for having my son.  I should never have considered having kids.  I love him to bits and he is the light in my life, I don't think I'd be here if I didn't have him but I have, as I suspected I would, passed on this dreadful disease to him. He is extremely intelligent but unfortunately can't cope with mainstream school so is currently attending a flexible learning campus that is part of the high school.  He is capable of so much more but his anxiety stops him from doing anything.  He only leaves the house to go to school and it breaks my heart to think of his future.  And the fact he's an only child makes it worse, I'm all he's got. :sniffle1:

If you're being supportive of him emotionally, then that's more than what my parents have done for me.  One of the things that many people seem to have a problem overcoming is lack of parental love.  The sense is that, if your own parents don't love you, who can?  So if he has that love from you, he won't have to deal with that fundamental problem...one that seems hard to overcome regardless of medical intervention and therapy.

Is he in therapy right now?  I, too, am having a difficult time being around people, leaving the house and other things, because of anxiety.  Probably the hardest part is dealing with family members who not only think I'm just being dramatic, but they also haven't been supportive of my efforts to get the treatment I need.  

The weird thing is, my two closest family members have also had to deal with depression and anxiety, but they don't seem to understand.  They seem to think that their suffering has been so much greater than mine, and that--in spite of that "fact"--they are doing so much better than I am.  I guess they have to hold onto those beliefs in order to maintain a sense that they are in control of their own fates, but it has resulted in a lot of cruelty towards me.

So, anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that the comments I made are coming from someone who hasn't had support or encouragement.  Growing up, I was always taught that I wasn't capable, and that my ideas and dreams were unrealistic.  It has really helped bring my depression and anxiety to a head, because I have been taught to believe that nothing is possible for me, while also being told that I'm lazy, dramatic, weak and somehow not living up to my potential.  (In other words, it's been a total mindf***.)  I suspect that life is different for your son, because he has your understanding, support and encouragement.  

I'm also someone who never felt that having children is something that I absolutely must do; many people feel that having children is essential to their happiness and purpose in life.  I can't speak about that need, because--while I have felt maternal desires at times--I don't have the same need that others seem to have in regards to being a parent.

I've noticed that it seems to be human nature to imagine great things for your children.  Everyone seems to imagine their unborn baby to be a possible future president, doctor, etc.  As sufferers of mental illness, one thing that puts us at a disadvantage when it comes to being realistic is the fact that we have been taught that mental illness is shameful...so we do everything we can to deny to ourselves that we're really that ill.  I've been dealing with this since I was 7, and I've just recently been able to look at myself and say, "you are mentally ill.  Not just a little bit.  You have an illness that is serious."  I suspect that when you were thinking of having children, you were probably not thinking and believing that you would have a child who would have such a difficult time.  Society tells us that depression and anxiety are all in our minds and are totally surmountable.  It's natural for people to think their child will be able to overcome what society tells us is "all in our minds."

I hope you will not spend much time blaming yourself for his mental illness.  It does no good to beat yourself up over it.  You didn't have the same level of awareness as you do now, and there's really no guarantee that someone will turn out to have mental illness or not anyway.  The best thing you can do is be the loving, caring and supportive mom that he needs.  (If I had had that, who knows?  Maybe I wouldn't be so f***ed up right now.)  He may have a mental illness, but if he receives treatment and does well with it, he still has the potential to have a career, have a family and have the sort of life that you would want for him.  There's no way of knowing for sure what the future holds in regards to his mental illness, but if you're letting him know that you love and support him, he has more than a lot of people with mental illness have.  :rose:

 

 

 

Edited by LoneSquirrel
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/15/2017 at 3:40 PM, Lindter said:

I will go to my job training tomorrow. I should concentrate, learn as many words as possible, be excited, happy that I got the chance etc. etc.
Instead I am just sitting here, tears coming up and being all miserable. Getting nostalgic again, stupidly thinking of how I ruined my past and even though I have gotten on track again, I can not beat my depression. I feel like I just want to throw away all responsibilities, sell everything and just escape to North. I feel sad and empty inside. I can not provide the support and love to my partner the way I should. I miss my past, maybe 'cause it was just too perfect to even believe it existed...I am just 25 but I feel like .. if I am not able to recover myself or achieve my goals, I will live with this regret and guilty-feeling forever. It hurts so much inside. Especially at the times I feel unable to connect with my partner the way I wish I could.

I feel that I have the all the responsibility..I have to go to work, learn the language and then help my partner on track. I wouldn't mind nor would I be upset but .. but it just feels like he is not even trying hard. He takes the life so simply and I am not sure what will happen if I will somehow fail or lose the job again. This makes me all guilty and I feel that karma has hit me and punishes me hard for destroying my previous relationship where I didn't have even a chance to be in such a trouble - in depression, in the foreign land, no language skills and the only one being able to to do SOMETHING in order to get the life going again. Oh I hate this feeling and I hate that I even think that way. I should be there for my beloved partner and do everything possible but I am just mentally so tired and I do not know how much longer I can keep things going. :sniffle1:

:console:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/15/2017 at 10:01 PM, Dolphin2013 said:

Tonight I feel like I'm not great at any job.

My drawer was short--not by a lot, but it p.i.s.s.e.d me off. I had to use my own money to make up the difference and that made me feel stupid and helpless and careless, especially careless and I hear the voices of my mom and teachers who kept saying I was careless with my work, like what did that even mean to me? 

At least I had the money to add to the drawer.

Oh well. I'm tired. A late-ish shift tonight and early one tomorrow. I gulped down soup and a sweet potato when I came home, and I'm ready to sleep.

:console:  It's okay, Dolphin.  You're not a failure just because you miscounted some money.  That sort of thing can happen to anyone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Well. I'm hungover. I stupidly loaded up last night to the point of blackout. I had to call into work to say I was gonna be late this morning. So now my boss is p*****.

I'm feeling pretty beat down. My girlfriend and I apparently aren't speaking.

People above mention dead ends. I think I'm there too.

:console:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

I'm extremely disoriented.  Apparently during class earlier, I panicked and ran out.  But...I don't remember why... Or how...Or when...Or what was even going on.

I got returned to class 30/-40 minutes later after speaking to an administrator instead of my counselor, (much to my disappointment).  I would have appreciated if someone asked if I was okay, but apparently nobody noticed I had even left, except for my teacher.  That was just me wanting attention like always, though.

I walked to class with a friend/crush since I was too unsteady on my own.

So here I am, completely unable to figure out why I freaked out in the first place.  And also appreciating my friend for walking me to class, as well as being a little happy that he was willing to talk to me.

But I'm seriously confused as all holy heck.  What happened to me???????

Sounds like a dissociative episode.  I hope you're feeling better now, PB. :flowers:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Really, really terrible.

Apparently I am not the kind of person who inspires love and loyalty in others.

I find it hard not to attribute it to my physical appearance.

:console:

I tend to do that when a relationship fails.  "Was I too fat?"  

My logical mind tells me it's not that, but the voice in my head says differently.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, WordsInTheWind said:

Constantly reminded of just how much time I am wasting, floating through this life.

Too aware of everything around me, but too timid to ever join in.

After so much time, I feel a sort of indifference towards the world and what it means to be in it.

I feel disconnected as well.  Not so much on here, but everywhere else.  

I really don't feel like I'm part of the same world as others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I remember well your son's issues, Purple.  The guilt you feel is real, and I understand it.  That is how you feel.  It is not, however, the truth.  You are a great mother and you and your son have each other and you are coping together, and, heck, what more can a child ask?  I don't mean to be dismissive, as I have similar guilt about my anxious kids.  But, we do the best we can, don't we?  And you, I know, have excelled as a mom!!!

Thanks Brian, I'm just glad we have a program here that caters for disengaged kids considering we live in a small town, and that he's happy to go there.

 

 

47 minutes ago, LoneSquirrel said:

If you're being supportive of him emotionally, then that's more than what my parents have done for me.  One of the things that many people seem to have a problem overcoming is lack of parental love.  The sense is that, if your own parents don't love you, who can?  So if he has that love from you, he won't have to deal with that fundamental problem...one that seems hard to overcome regardless of medical intervention and therapy.

Is he in therapy right now?  I, too, am having a difficult time being around people, leaving the house and other things, because of anxiety.  Probably the hardest part is dealing with family members who not only think I'm just being dramatic, but they also haven't been supportive of my efforts to get the treatment I need.  

The weird thing is, my two closest family members have also had to deal with depression and anxiety, but they don't seem to understand.  They seem to think that their suffering has been so much greater than mine, and that--in spite of that "fact"--they are doing so much better than I am.  I guess they have to hold onto those beliefs in order to maintain a sense that they are in control of their own fates, but it has resulted in a lot of cruelty towards me.

So, anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that the comments I made are coming from someone who hasn't had support or encouragement.  Growing up, I was always taught that I wasn't capable, and that my ideas and dreams were unrealistic.  It has really helped bring my depression and anxiety to a head, because I have been taught to believe that nothing is possible for me, while also being told that I'm lazy, dramatic, weak and somehow not living up to my potential.  (In other words, it's been a total mindf***.)  I suspect that life is different for your son, because he has your understanding, support and encouragement.  

I'm also someone who never felt that having children is something that I absolutely must do; many people feel that having children is essential to their happiness and purpose in life.  I can't speak about that need, because--while I have felt maternal desires at times--I don't have the same need that others seem to have in regards to being a parent.

I've noticed that it seems to be human nature to imagine great things for your children.  Everyone seems to imagine their unborn baby to be a possible future president, doctor, etc.  As sufferers of mental illness, one thing that puts us at a disadvantage when it comes to being realistic is the fact that we have been taught that mental illness is shameful...so we do everything we can to deny to ourselves that we're really that ill.  I've been dealing with this since I was 7, and I've just recently been able to look at myself and say, "you are mentally ill.  Not just a little bit.  You have an illness that is serious."  I suspect that when you were thinking of having children, you were probably not thinking and believing that you would have a child who would have such a difficult time.  Society tells us that depression and anxiety are all in our minds and are totally surmountable.  It's natural for people to think their child will be able to overcome what society tells us is "all in our minds."

I hope you will not spend much time blaming yourself for his mental illness.  It does no good to beat yourself up over it.  You didn't have the same level of awareness as you do now, and there's really no guarantee that someone will turn out to have mental illness or not anyway.  The best thing you can do is be the loving, caring and supportive mom that he needs.  (If I had had that, who knows?  Maybe I wouldn't be so f***ed up right now.)  He may have a mental illness, but if he receives treatment and does well with it, he still has the potential to have a career, have a family and have the sort of life that you would want for him.  There's no way of knowing for sure what the future holds in regards to his mental illness, but if you're letting him know that you love and support him, he has more than a lot of people with mental illness have.  :rose:

 

 

 

I'm sorry you had a crappy family life and such negative re-enforcement squirrel.  I had a sheltered upbringing so I'm not good around people either.  My mother has mental health issues too and while she is understanding now,  when I was younger it wasn't talked about so I kept my issues to myself.  I was scared to tell anyone because I didn't think they'd believe me.

My son has seen a therapist but he didn't think it was helping.  He's also seen a psychiatrist, we only have one because we live in a small town and he can be quite condescending so we haven't been back.

I want him to have a better life than I've had but it's not looking good and even though I'd like him to reach his potential, I don't really care what sort of job he has as long as he's happy.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...