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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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I made it out to Starbucks again last night.   Same ole crap.  Nothing new.  There was a time I could not even go anywhere so I guess I should be happy.  I dunno.

My therapist wants me to write forgiveness letters to the people who hurt me in the past.  Whats the point?    I do not forgive them so why should i write them a letter?  

I am tired of people.  They are so annoying all the time.  I hate them.

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2 hours ago, duck said:

I made it out to Starbucks again last night.   Same ole crap.  Nothing new.  There was a time I could not even go anywhere so I guess I should be happy.  I dunno.

My therapist wants me to write forgiveness letters to the people who hurt me in the past.  Whats the point?    I do not forgive them so why should i write them a letter?  

I am tired of people.  They are so annoying all the time.  I hate them.

A couple of thoughts, it's early and no coffee, so no miracle or smart answers... ;-)

It's a start back in the right direction. Getting out of the house.

Writing the letters isn't about the other people, it's about you. It's about getting some of the crap, anger, hurt out of your head, onto paper, letting go. I know, i know, sounds like rubbish. It's part of the process of moving forward. Just try it and give yourself a break. 

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My back hurts and I'm miserable and I don't feel like going to work and playing happy cashier boy for people who can just barely be bothered to acknowledge my existence. I guess I should be grateful it's a five and a half hour shift and not an eight hour shift, but five and a half hours is still so painfully long. Stuck somewhere I don't want to be and in literal pain from my fat rickety body.

Blech. Working blows and not-working also blows. What a grand adventure this life is. :coffeebreak:

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I'm finally out of the hospital, was finally able to meet face to face with a psychiatrist and I have an official diagnosis which gives me hope, and an angle to attack this mess from. Mood Disregulation Disorder with Mixed Anxiety. I'm feeling more stable now that they adjusted my medication and I'm starting therapy soonish. All very good things. The unemployment and bills, however, is a pressing concern. Me and the family will find a way. We always have. :)

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Annoyed and upset and slightly scared.

Annoyed because someone waited until the last minute to let me know that the doctors appointment I was giving them a ride to was cancelled. They knew yesterday but didn't bother to call me until I was almost walking out the door to go pick them up this morning. sigh

Upset because I lost my job, which means one income, which means therapy is out of the window for a while until my feet get better and I can get a job.

Scared because I just got given custom leg braces in the hope that I won't need surgery on my feet, what if they don't work? I don't want to have surgery on my feet.

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Didn't lose my job, so that's good. What's bad is I still have it in my head that Renee hates me along with a few other people. On my way to my cardiologist appointment. Nervous and afraid of what might happen. They'll be looking at my aorta valve which is enlarged and leaky... Hasn't been looked at in 5 years.

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I sent a message to my friend Sophie yesterday, to admit that I did not heed her needs in our friendship.  It may be an indication of how much of a pushover I am that I did this, but I felt it worth one more try.  She may be too unstable to rely on as a friend, and, if so, I will know if and when she responds to me.  I am trying to take all of this as it comes and not let it bother me either way - (good luck with that HA) - but I am trying.  I do not control her.  If her decision is to remove me from her life, than, I will have to accept it while at the same time noting that she is too volatile and untrustworthy to be my friend anyway (I did very little wrong).

Otherwise, I have take two more days off.  I am in a major depressive episode, of that there is no doubt, and I just need some time. Hopefully I will fell better by Tuesday.  If not, I may need an extended time off.

So tiresome living with this for so long.  But, I am going to practice what I have learned and see if it makes a difference for me.

Cheers

B

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3 hours ago, roadking02 said:

Didn't lose my job, so that's good. What's bad is I still have it in my head that Renee hates me along with a few other people. On my way to my cardiologist appointment. Nervous and afraid of what might happen. They'll be looking at my aorta valve which is enlarged and leaky... Hasn't been looked at in 5 years.

Hope your appointment goes well RoadKing! Glad you did not loose your job!!!!

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28 minutes ago, CoolCat7 said:

Yeah I have a friend like that.  She thinks I could overcome the depression if I just put my mind to it.

She knows I failed my uni 3 times because of this, she knows I just lie here dead all day everyday and take a s***load of pills, and she still acts like... I don't know. Like it's funny.

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21 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Disappointed.  Once again, I feel like God/The Universe/Whoever is laughing at me.  A former lover came back to my life and now we have come to a ridiculous impasse.  Bottom line -- he just doesn't know me any more.  If he did, he would not suggest some of the things he has.  I've been known to use poor judgement when I'm lonely, and do things I know aren't good for me.  What he suggests would be awful for me, and if I've learned anything about myself, it's that I must take care of myself by not making a move motivated by loneliness.

But that still leaves me alone, yearning for the comfort of a man's arms around me,

Back to bed I go.  Maybe my dreams will comfort me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{womanofthelight}}}}}}}}}} hoping a friend's virtual hug will help.

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2 hours ago, Azealia said:

She knows I failed my uni 3 times because of this, she knows I just lie here dead all day everyday and take a s***load of pills, and she still acts like... I don't know. Like it's funny.

Yeah, my sister acts like that.  We aren't speaking anymore.  When I'm trying to keep from drowning, I don't need someone stepping on my head.

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I think I'm just tired. Today, I had the early-early (be there at 5:15 am) shift at work.

Then I had an appointment to get my phone fixed & ended up getting a new phone.

But I'm sitting and trying to write and I'm telling myself to be courageous and use my imagination. But thoughts of what really happened intrude and I can't paint the pictures prettier or uglier than they are.

This letting go of [you know who] is like...it's like there's a split in my head when I'm happy-happy and feel that I've outsmarted [thoughts of you know who] and then just thinking that very thought sends me several steps back. I'm sitting here crying. And there's a strong me, somewhere inside, who can ask for help and find the strength and courage to go on. And stop fixating. I'm at war with myself...or rather, the selves are like at the top of two hills. We face each other and don't know how to cross the gulf between us.

the wind whistles through me and I'm so sad and empty. I am the gulf, the chasm, the void.

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15 minutes ago, LoneSquirrel said:

Yeah, my sister acts like that.  We aren't speaking anymore.  When I'm trying to keep from drowning, I don't need someone stepping on my head.

I'm glad, @LoneSquirrelthat you are able to shut her out! Keeping the bullies out of the pool is one way to stay afloat.

 

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14 minutes ago, Dolphin2013 said:

I think I'm just tired. Today, I had the early-early (be there at 5:15 am) shift at work.

Then I had an appointment to get my phone fixed & ended up getting a new phone.

But I'm sitting and trying to write and I'm telling myself to be courageous and use my imagination. But thoughts of what really happened intrude and I can't paint the pictures prettier or uglier than they are.

This letting go of [you know who] is like...it's like there's a split in my head when I'm happy-happy and feel that I've outsmarted [thoughts of you know who] and then just thinking that very thought sends me several steps back. I'm sitting here crying. And there's a strong me, somewhere inside, who can ask for help and find the strength and courage to go on. And stop fixating. I'm at war with myself...or rather, the selves are like at the top of two hills. We face each other and don't know how to cross the gulf between us.

the wind whistles through me and I'm so sad and empty. I am the gulf, the chasm, the void.

You also have a beautiful way with words. What piece are you working on?

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9 minutes ago, Dolphin2013 said:

Thank you for your kind words, @Lunachick

it's a complicated story that started in November as a series of letters about baseball to my dead uncle.

 

That premise sounds GREAT Dolphin!!!!  

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