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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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I'm "stuck on repeat". Same old sh!t, day after day after day. So many things I want to do, but I can't. I'm tied down by responsibilities and circumstances. And at my age, I fear there's no time left to do any of the things I want to do anyway.

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I feel like always. I'll have some survival days and then I plunge right back.

The thing that clinched it was how last time I tried to talk to anyone about it was here, and I was pointedly ignored to my face. When supposed like-minded people can't stand to talk to me, what hope is there for me? Because in the end, no one really cares. Not about me.

I'll never feel better and there are so many people out there who don't want me to because it makes them feel better about themselves. I'm so tired of phonies and liars and I can't get over the things or the people that have hurt me. And as I type this I think "gosh, what a pathetic freak I am right now."

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Confused,

just concentrating very carefully on the touching of the keys on my keyboard

as I type this message.

I understand the words I say,

I find it difficult to choose which words.

My thoughts are diffuse, they are out of focus.

With delicate deliberate care

I type the words which still conceal the real problem

d e e p i n n e r c o n f u s i o n.

the sentiments appear faked, but I cry out to all the universe

the displacement of my thoughts from my words is scary.

invisible problem, unseen 

I am drowning

there are too many choices of words in the dictionary

and there are none which adequately describe it

even though without realising it I have.

 

BUt then if I hadn't been able to describe this nightmare

in words, even if I am not consciously choosing the words

I wouldn't have this difficulty

 

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Rock bottom. Because even when I stand up for my humanity, people try to find ways around my arguments to continue wearing down their fish. It's essential to have someone be there when I need something to be a productive human being. But unfortunately for me, that kind of support is something I do not have from anyone. Not at work. Not at home. Nowhere.

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20 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I'm "stuck on repeat". Same old sh!t, day after day after day. So many things I want to do, but I can't. I'm tied down by responsibilities and circumstances. And at my age, I fear there's no time left to do any of the things I want to do anyway.

I feel the same way. It stinks.

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21 hours ago, Margie Null said:

I feel like always. I'll have some survival days and then I plunge right back.

The thing that clinched it was how last time I tried to talk to anyone about it was here, and I was pointedly ignored to my face. When supposed like-minded people can't stand to talk to me, what hope is there for me? Because in the end, no one really cares. Not about me.

I'll never feel better and there are so many people out there who don't want me to because it makes them feel better about themselves. I'm so tired of phonies and liars and I can't get over the things or the people that have hurt me. And as I type this I think "gosh, what a pathetic freak I am right now."

Hi Margie

I hope you're feeling at least a little better.  Many of us on here do care!

Brian

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My mother said I have to be out by the weekend.  I can go stay with an aunt for awhile, but after that I don't know.

I feel like I've run out of options.  

I am numb right now, but I know this will hit me later.

I guess I need to prepare to be homeless.

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A strange combination of nonchalant and dejected.

I've gone back to *gulp* "online dating." I'm starting to think that I'm overly picky, or just living in the wrong part of the state. Anytime I seem to find a decent match, they live at least 3 hours away.

Perhaps this is a biproduct of my "liberalization" over the years. People I typically would have been fine with 10 years ago are immediately ruled out because they specify that their religion comes first, or their goals clash with mine. (I'm essentially agnostic/atheist with very progressive political views)

There have been a few hopeful matches that seemed to be promising once we started talking, but typically they lead nowhere. Heck, I even had one match that was adamant about meeting me and she gave me her number freely, then when it came time to meet she couldn't commit to a time and place and ghosted me. If I don't get a reply after I send two messages, I assume there is no interest. Thus is life I suppose.

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1 hour ago, LoneSquirrel said:

My mother said I have to be out by the weekend.  I can go stay with an aunt for awhile, but after that I don't know.

I feel like I've run out of options.  

I am numb right now, but I know this will hit me later.

I guess I need to prepare to be homeless.

I'm so sorry to hear this, LS. That your own mom would kick you out is unconscionable. I hope some other housing options open up for you

 

(((Hugs)))

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38 minutes ago, LonelyHiker said:

I'm so sorry to hear this, LS. That your own mom would kick you out is unconscionable. I hope some other housing options open up for you

 

(((Hugs)))

Thanks, LH.  I called the suicide hotline after I left that last post, because I didn't know what else to do.  I was given the number for the United Way and told that I just have to try.  I already have the number for United Way...I just wanted someone to listen.  I kind of felt like she was in a hurry to get off the phone, and that--even though I told her I'm considered disabled by the county because of my depression--she didn't seem to understand how bad my depression is.  To be fair, my psychiatrist told me to try harder and make better choices during my last appointment; if he doesn't understand, then I guess I can't expect a crisis line volunteer to understand.

My mother says I'm spoiled.  She hasn't worked in 20 years, and I spent most of the last decade waiting tables, but she says that waiting tables is easy (compared to being a stay-at-home wife who doesn't clean or cook, has no budget and has a shopping addiction, and has no kids to watch after).  I told her that if waiting tables was easy, she'd be doing it.  My dad wasn't the best husband to her, but he financed her lazy lifestyle, and that's why she stayed with him.  Now she says that he ruined her life.  She says that I expect her to take care of me (with money that she thinks she earned), and that I'm entitled.  I'll tell you what I think I'm entitled to: a respite from her constant b****ing.  And I'll at least have that, even if it's under a bridge somewhere.

The thing that really tears me up is the thought that I may lose my guinea pig at some point.  My sister has agreed to take him if I wind up on the street, but she lives many states away, and I know I'll never see him again if he goes with her.  I guess I should just be glad that he'll have a place to go with someone who knows how to take care of guinea pigs.  My sister also thinks I just need to try harder.

Maybe these f***ing people are right.  Maybe I'm just a layabout and being homeless is what I deserve.  I don't know anymore.  I don't have any drive or vision, so maybe being a parasite is what I do best.  I have thought about suicide a lot lately...not because I'm despondent, but because I am a waste of space.  I can't see a future that involves me being productive.  It does seem like it may just be best if I take myself out, because no one around me benefits from me existing...not even me.  I feel conflicted but unemotional about the idea.  I guess I'll just keep turning it over in my mind until I make a decision.

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