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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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Feeling sad, lonely, so lonely, and so tired. I feel like just giving up.  It all seems so futile.  The meds aren't working. It's been, what, 4 months now?  Longer? I've lost track. Seems like forever.  Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to my gym and try and work out, per my psychologist.  Just THINKING about it is exhausting, and last time I tried everyone was making such a fuss. I don't like being the center of attention.  And there were just too many people there. It was too much for my dulled senses and frayed nerves.  I put way too much pressure on myself. 

 

Tonight I feel very ill.  Sick to my stomach, an excruciating headache, backache... in fact, my whole body seems to ache.  This depression makes me feel like I have the flu.  I'm just tired, tired, tired but anxious, so anxious.  The highpoint of my day was buying a homeless young man a meal and sharing a conversation with him so that he could, at least, get out of the cold for a bit.  The pleasure was all mine.  If moment's like that could last...  He reminded me of my son, who won't speak to me because he grew up with a Bipolar mother who was severely traumatized, and he believes it is the reason for all his problems.  Maybe it is, but I did the best I could. I tried.

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A bit better today, even. Saw my therapist today.  That is always good and I feel so safe with her.

My morning coffee was excellent. I had a little espresso in the afternoon and I'm real sleepy now.

I've been getting up before my alarm goes off (my phone Chimes. It's a gentle sound). Today, I got a leg cramp and bolted out of bed at 6 am.

Tomorrow work is an afternoon shift (2-6, essentially), boring at first and then busy later on.

Not looking forward to it, but it's money. That's what I want...

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22 hours ago, VictorianGoth said:

I am having my period. The very first day. :-/ I left work early because I was in way too much pain and feeling way too emotional. Pretty sure if a customer said one rude thing to me I would have just burst in to tears. 

I feel guilty for leaving though. I do really need the money. 

I feel anxious too because I'm finally going to the support group tonight. 

How did the group go?

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12 hours ago, hannah_georgiaa said:

When I joined this site I felt almost the worst I had ever been, everything in my life was going south. Just being on here for an hour or so has made me feel so much more accepted and supported. 

Thank you all!

I'm glad you're feeling accepted!

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2 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

You did an awesome thing and I hope you feel good about it.  As for your son, how old is he?  He may come around.  

I sure have a hard time dragging myself to the gym, too.

My son is 24. It has been 6 months of silent anger except for a couple weeks ago when he told me to f__k off.  I'm afraid he will never let me back into his life.  I've been giving him space hoping he would forgive me, but I guess it is not going to  happen.?

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Uncertain. There's one thing I want to do in this world more than anything else. But my everyday life and assorted responsibilities are keeping me from doing it. I'm starting to get a bit desperate because of growing old and also the high level weirdness occurring in the US government.

I've been wanting to do this thing for 2.5 years now. It comes down to wanting to finally meet my girlfriend in person. She lives 1800 miles away. We talk on the phone daily, sometimes for hours. A scary unknown is whether she wants to meet me in person or not. We do love each other but I'm so afraid that she doesn't actually want to be together. And I'll tell you this: It would absolutely devastate me to find out she didn't.

Edited by JD4010

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On 2/9/2017 at 11:07 AM, Natasha1 said:

VG: I'm so glad you are going to group!!!! Yay! Go for it!! I hope it helps you today.

 

12 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

How did the group go?

Guys.....I did not go :sadwalk:

I completely chickened out.  I don't understand why it's so hard for me. They are not accepting new members until March 2nd, so now I have to wait.  When the coordinator emailed me that I was so angry with him but he wasn't even mean about it...I guess I am just mad at myself.  I have to wait until March now. That is really frustrating. 

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22 hours ago, Cinnamongirl031 said:

Sorry you are restless and sad, Squirrel. :sniffle1:  I guess we are in the same boat.  Here is a hug:hugs:. I hope it helps.  Hugs always make me feel a little bit better. I wish I could make it go away.

Thanks, Cinnamongirl.  I hope you feel better soon too. :console:

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12 hours ago, VictorianGoth said:

 

Guys.....I did not go :sadwalk:

I completely chickened out.  I don't understand why it's so hard for me. They are not accepting new members until March 2nd, so now I have to wait.  When the coordinator emailed me that I was so angry with him but he wasn't even mean about it...I guess I am just mad at myself.  I have to wait until March now. That is really frustrating. 

hey I didn't want to go to a group either. I was always nervous & stressed. for me personally, I can't say that it is always fun, exciting, and helpful, but a few of the people I met are the best thing that happened to me. They are people who deal with similar issues like me so I can count on them. I hope you will go next time. :)

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17 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

hey I didn't want to go to a group either. I was always nervous & stressed. for me personally, I can't say that it is always fun, exciting, and helpful, but a few of the people I met are the best thing that happened to me. They are people who deal with similar issues like me so I can count on them. I hope you will go next time. :)

That is how I feel...really nervous and stressed out about it. Thanks for your perspective...it is worth me going with the possibility of meeting others who might be dealing with the same issues I am dealing with.  It is worth going, because it might help. I am just scared to go lol   I will try again in March for sure. 

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11 minutes ago, VictorianGoth said:

That is how I feel...really nervous and stressed out about it. Thanks for your perspective...it is worth me going with the possibility of meeting others who might be dealing with the same issues I am dealing with.  It is worth going, because it might help. I am just scared to go lol   I will try again in March for sure. 

some of the stuff I did in the group was helpful, I can't honestly say that 100% of it was helpful, but everyone is different and has different needs..I didn't want to go either..I was anxious and nervous, but it helped me get out of the house, and not sit home alone crying....I drove to the clinic an hour before the program started and took a sedative and beta blocker and just kept talking to myself, listening to music that makes me feel better, and trying to give myself the strength and courage to walk through those doors...(the first day was the hardest)..The fact that I met a few other people who are able to understand me and support me is priceless...because we have bonded and support each other...Good luck!

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It seems like I can't be without medication for depression, anxiety etc. for a long time... I always have to start using it again after not using it for one year or two, it's an endless cycle. I'm so disappointed. Will there ever be a day when I don't need to use medication anymore? Will that day ever come? Like be completely free of this illness and be ok without any medication for the rest of my life?

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