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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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Treating My Old Flame like an addictive substance is working the past couple of days. Feel like the chains around my heart are starting to loosen. One day, one moment at a time.

I've been sad and crazy all over the map for the last 3 months, but not despairing.

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Recurring fears; haunted by thoughts - the fear of this train I am on disappearing into nowhere.

Oblivion frightening me - there is so much to see from my train windows, and yet the train hurtles faster and faster onwards. I scribble a quaver on a blank sheet of paper, fold it up and hurl it out of the train window. I just keep trying to do this; sometimes i see so little, and sometimes when I see and hear so much, its very difficult to express how I feel at all the strange pictures - the lovely things and also the nightmares that life presents; its a struggle to say how I authentically feel myself.

Desperately worried. Harder and harder to be honest about how frightened I get. VEry frightened

BEcause words - the more vivid they become, the more they can conceal the truth.

 

Deep down, further down than I can bear to admit 

- in a terrible state.

REcahing the place where words are stolen from my thoughts because the suburbs of 'the unknown city' - are coming into sight - can't find the words, though I want to say so much!

soloviola

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6 hours ago, KidSurvivor2011 said:

A crisis line? I don't think so. Two bad experiences, and you want me to have a third? Not gonna happen. Like I said before, I may take a vow of isolation. I fight my own battles.

 

- KS

Hey Kid, I don't even personally know you - but there are people that are here for you and on your side. We want you to stick around!

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16 hours ago, cheshire_chick said:

Hung over. Self loathing and guilty. I feel useless. Like I'm self sabotaging and I wish I wasn't, yet I keep doing it. I know I'm smarter than this, so why am I such a f**k up? etc etc. the hate goes on and on

Yes indeed. You've captured my usual thought process here. I've developed self-loathing into a fine art. Fortunately, no hangover today though.

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Frustrated. My dad's had pretty bad arthritis in his right hand for a while now, and apparently he's had pain all along his right leg as well. I hate to see him in pain, but I'm just irritated with him for not trying to help himself. He had an appointment with a rheumatologist in December (which I begged him to go to) but I don't think he went to that because he said "there's no more pain". He always does that. Says there's no more pain until there is (again).

I told him that if he's not gonna help himself, no one is gonna force him to. We live in Canada, it's not like he has to worry about going bankrupt visiting the doctor. My brother will drive him to the doctor if he wanted. I've learned my victim complex from him. He is just perfect at it.

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i feel good again. i am not sure how long it will last though. Its been going on for a long period this time.

But I am all smiles for now. It is bright out even though it is overcast. Its not my outlook either. Weird. 

A Mountain looked fresh today. Ready for my rough, experienced feet. That Bug is biting.

And I am ready.

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