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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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How do I feel right now? Well I reached down to take a puff off of my inhaler and brought it to my mouth just to realize I was holding my bottle of BP medication, if that tells you anything. So I am feeling very scatter minded and it feels like all my strength and energy has been totally sucked out of my very being. It's very hard to even write this, I am also so very depressed and anxious, as well as sleep deprived. I am also, this past couple of weeks, very emotional, but unable to cry and some how release all this stuff that I have just kept in for years. Being emotional is sort of new for me. I guess all the stuff I have just keep inside of me is trying to come out. It's also been very difficult to take care of myself when I am being pulled in so many directions, most of it being my fault. 
With my CMT website, I have so many parents asking me so many things about their kid's CMT, if I would do research for them, which I of course, do. I also try my best to get on here, (which is the one thing that I enjoy), I have to constantly promote my cause, Quentinscauseforcmt, each day on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. I then also talk for hours sometimes to a certain DF member that I have become very close to, and I don't get to bed until late, like 1am or 2am, but don't get me wrong, I love this person and would talk to him anytime about things. 
A few days ago I also joined another community, www.(inspire.com), where there are people that talk and give advice on Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease. The reason I joined was to get answers for the parents that I promised  I would get about their kids with CMT. But that was, i am sure, a mistake because that's just another thing to try to keep up with.  I as well have begun a new campaign for my CMT Kids, called www.igive.com, to help bring in more donations. I am, I suppose that I have went and stretched myself to thin, and it is really getting to me, I am on this PC way to much when I should be taking care of my illness, but I am a sucker for disabled children. 
I just now got on FB real quick and then back off, just long enough to see that I have 6 new messages that I must handle. But I do have to take it easy today. I'm not going to get any better unless I sit and rest, as well as eat well, as the doctor ordered me to. So in ending, right now I feel depressed and totally spent out... Sorry this is so long, but I really needed to talk about this stuff and I will be very grateful for any advice about this from all of my good friends here, as well as a great deal of nagging, that I have had my share of from gs22,(Thanks my friend for the nagging)...Be Good to Yourselves and I will try to follow that advice as well...

 

Edited by Tungsten Aromatics
Photo in violation of ToS

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suddenly realised how much I reject love or affection especially from family. I want to feel easy and natural around the people that care about me but I'm not and so I keep everyone at arms length. Why do I do this when god knows all I want is someone to give me a hug. something about maternal love scares me sometimes. I think this sucks more than my flu.

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@quentin360  Do you think maybe it would be good to start directing some of these people to the sites where they can ask their own questions or do reading for themselves?  It seems like you are taking on a lot.  You can still be a helpful source by knowing which sites are most helpful and answering questions you already know the answers to.  I hope you don't overburden yourself with all of your endeavors, because it can really affect your health.

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Angry.

My mother thinks she has a right to hit her dog when she's irritated with her.

I told her she cannot hit the dog, and she acted like I had no right to say that.

Now she's mad at me.

I don't care that she's mad; I'm angry that she thinks she has a right to do it.

What kind of dirt bag hits a little 10 lb. dog?  

She's a bully.  That's why I can't stand her.  

 

And another highlight...my computer keeps shutting off, so it's at the repair place again.  So sick of this, and everything else.

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Job is good. It will never be more than 20 hrs/week, but it keeps me out of trouble for 4 hours at a time. 

I just now looked at a picture of My Old Flame. I enlarged it on my iPad and looked at that face, so dear to me. That picture is from nearly 10 years ago, which means if he's still alive, I don't know where/how the most recent changes occurred. 

There are times when I've looked at that picture and the face seems sad and angry. I want to soothe that sadness and anger. Tonight M.O.F looked sad, but okay.

I want to report that I did not make any phone calls. I "burned" the burner phone number and now will have to pay if I want one. I don't want to spend the money.

Instead I spent some time looking on FB at his sons and his grandkids...and there are no pictures of him with his grandkids. I am sad about that but maybe it turns out that his family could no longer live with his lies. What if he molested his grandkids? If my father had been alive when my son was little, I would never have let him near us!!!!

I do not know. I will have to resign myself to never knowing.  

So I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm going to try to not look at his faint online trail...one ****** minute at a time if I have to. Starting now.

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More people I know are getting engaged or married... And Natalie is with someone new. She wasn't single for even a month... So what else is new? Work doesn't want me to come back next weekend so I'm off another week. See the surgeon again tomorrow afternoon and I'm taking my dog Shiloh to the vet as well for vaccinations. Shiloh doesn't like going there even though it's not often at all. Guess it's the smells that set him off.

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I feel threatened.

Someone in charge at work is trying very, very hard to tarnish my name. He might be 100 times better than me on all levels (social skills, money, education, a girlfriend, a gym membership), but at least I'm smart enough to notice when my being is threatened.

I'm supposed to leave at the end of the week. In the meantime, I am supposed to form the person for a week. This guy is so hellbent on getting me out of the company asap that he went behind the new co-worker's back and asked me to estimate how long it would take me to form her. I mistakenly said 2 days when it should take 5. I informed the new person I could be leaving today and she was very unhappy because it takes more time to complete the formation. So at the same time, he is trying to make me do things that I shouldn't be doing and to upset people for twisted reasons.

On top of that, he waited until minutes before our shifts were almost over to address the issue to me first and then my co-worker. I left before the issue was resolved because I do not like leaving on crappy terms like that with several good references that I have. So I'll settle everything later, as I go in tomorrow. So he even tried to deprive me of saying goodbye to several people before handing in my stuff.

Regardless on how this guy is so perfect, I know that this jerk has lied to me repetitvely, guilt me, try to make me look as bad as possible in front of everyone, and to pretty much deny me of an existence of dignity. Because even if I do things to improve myself, this person will take advantage of any bad day that I have, or any unclear information, he will always try to slip something through the cracks. I know he thinks I'm ugly and he doesn't think I'm worthy of anything. I know this guy despises me so much to the point that he can't fathom the chance I have to stay an extra day, in there's an emergency or something.

Edited by The_Unwanted

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Just now, CoolCat7 said:

Why can't he just leave you alone?

Because he's afraid I'll be staying longer and because he doesn't think I deserve as many good references that I'm getting. He's trying to take that from me.

He's not the first person to treat me this way and he certainly won't be the last.

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Some people are like that. At work, I can do my job and pay my bills for the most part. Always payed my bills on time. Got a few positive comments.

But there's always gonna be that guy, where whenever I have the slightest recurring difficulty, they're going to see this as a target and use my unfortunate situation against me, and do what they have to do to bring me down. To remind me that they think I'm not worthy of being there.

This is why I feel so pressured all the time to hide my difficulties and to keep my mouth shut as much as I possibly can. I've even had negative experiences with health professionals. I feel like I always need to put on my happy, problem-free demeanour to avoid something seriously bad happen to me.

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