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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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To all my kind, dear, complex and empathetic friends:

May we all feel good more consistently; suffer fewer bouts of doubt and anxiety, and believe in our powers of emotional and physical healing. 

Love to all --

WOTL

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I've tried so hard to change and I have tried so hard with people but nobody tries to be around me. I am done trying as hard as I can only to be thrown in the trash over and over again in real life.  There is only so long you can handle the abuse and for what?  I did nothing wrong.  I just always wanted to be included well I don't want any part  of it anymore.  I'm going back to hiding from the world.  If the world doesn't want me good because I don't want them either.  I have been destroyed by them enough times in my life.  I am done!

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I'm sorry about complaining about the same things over and over.  I had told myself I'd step away from these issues just for myself, to give myself a breather, but what happens is that in my attempt to say something supportive, I forget about this.  I share to show I get it. 

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6 minutes ago, gs22 said:

I'm sorry about complaining about the same things over and over.  I had told myself I'd step away from these issues just for myself, to give myself a breather, but what happens is that in my attempt to say something supportive, I forget about this.  I share to show I get it. 

Did someone criticize your posts, gs?

I haven't seen anything at all wrong with any of your posts.

Don't be so hard on yourself.   :console:

 

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15 minutes ago, LoneSquirrel said:

Did someone criticize your posts, gs?

I haven't seen anything at all wrong with any of your posts.

Don't be so hard on yourself.   :console:

 

Oh, no, not at all. 

Your last line is correct.  I'm criticizing myself.  I had responded to someone in the what bugs you thread, and in so doing, I knocked my dad.  I really need to give this a rest, which I had been doing.

To be honest, I think I'm feeling guilty about being critical of him.  When I saw him, he was telling me how overwhelmed he feels because he has to undergo his treatments, and he looked as white as a sheet.  Also, my aunt/his sister is very weak, in out of the hospital a lot, and he has not only told me but I can see what a huge toll it's taken on him.  He's been through the ringer with countless hospital visits to my aunt and seeing her look so sick.  Whatever his faults, he's still a human being and it's been hard to watch him go through this again so soon after my mother died.

I was surprised when he said to me he didn't mean to burden me.  I told him, it's okay, it's not a burden. 

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Wishing I didn't have to go through today. I can't believe I have to work everyday just to have a place to live. When all I want to do is be dead. Fighting for nothing.  

Edited by watalife

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When I tried to enjoy the holidays people treated me like they always do.  People treat me like I am their entertainment for the day.  They will point and laugh at me and make fun of me and it's all because of my mental illness.  It's been like that for the last 20 years.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

When I tried to enjoy the holidays people treated me like they always do.  People treat me like I am their entertainment for the day.  They will point and laugh at me and make fun of me and it's all because of my mental illness.  It's been like that for the last 20 years.

Don't pay attention to them. They are fools. If they only knew how strong people who fought this illness daily were....

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I know they are fools.  Every day I struggle to try to fit in with people but if they treat me like that why do I even want to?  Everyone wants to be loved and accepted but I don't see it happening in the real world for me.  Why do people have to be so awful sometimes?

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6 hours ago, sober4life said:

When I tried to enjoy the holidays people treated me like they always do.  People treat me like I am their entertainment for the day.  They will point and laugh at me and make fun of me and it's all because of my mental illness.  It's been like that for the last 20 years.

These people need to grow up and fast.  You do not deserve this at all.

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

I know they are fools.  Every day I struggle to try to fit in with people but if they treat me like that why do I even want to?  Everyone wants to be loved and accepted but I don't see it happening in the real world for me.  Why do people have to be so awful sometimes?

I've never been able to figure out an answer.  But they're responsible for their own behaviour.  I wonder if they know that.

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It is ok gs22.  I'm used to it by now but it hurts.  I'm a very emotional person.  Every moment of every day it's like I'm walking a tightrope emotionally trying to keep it together and all it takes is one small thing to send me over the edge.  I wanted to enjoy the holidays but instead I spent 2 days in bed sleeping and crying.

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I have been alone for about three days and am feeling a bit odd due to the lack of familiarity with such solitude.  I'm not in any danger, but it just feels a bit odd. 

Best wishes to everyone !

Edited by Epictetus

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On 1/1/2017 at 10:37 AM, gs22 said:

Oh, no, not at all. 

Your last line is correct.  I'm criticizing myself.  I had responded to someone in the what bugs you thread, and in so doing, I knocked my dad.  I really need to give this a rest, which I had been doing.

To be honest, I think I'm feeling guilty about being critical of him.  When I saw him, he was telling me how overwhelmed he feels because he has to undergo his treatments, and he looked as white as a sheet.  Also, my aunt/his sister is very weak, in out of the hospital a lot, and he has not only told me but I can see what a huge toll it's taken on him.  He's been through the ringer with countless hospital visits to my aunt and seeing her look so sick.  Whatever his faults, he's still a human being and it's been hard to watch him go through this again so soon after my mother died.

I was surprised when he said to me he didn't mean to burden me.  I told him, it's okay, it's not a burden. 

Sometimes I feel bad about ripping on my mom...but then she does something that reminds me why I'm so aggravated by her. :bomb:

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