Jump to content

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

Recommended Posts

Omg. I am shaking right now and my PTSD is totally triggered. Just had to take an Ativan to calm down. My heart is racing & I can hardly breathe. My most recent abusive ex replied to my email (telling him to get lost & to stop watching me in the bar), and he replied in a lengthy email with angry words, more abuse, and hurtful comments only to make me upset & to hurt me. He is the most toxic person I ever regret even knowing let alone dating. I told him as much in reply just now too, and told him to never contact me again. I am sick to my stomach and feel ill. I want to punch him I am so worked up and livid. I know he was just trying to hurt me, most likely because he was hurt. Still, being hurt gives him no license to react with more abuse. And that's exactly what it was... that's what he always did to me in our relationship. I want to scream.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, sober4life said:

Thank you for saying that.  I wish the same for you.  I look at the people around me.  It looks like it is so easy for them.  I feel completely lost myself.  Why can't I do this?  I always feel like I have just arrived in different country and can't speak the language.

Ah you're welcome, I hate seeing people in pain and struggling with who they are, we can both be foreigners in a different country together. I just hope the exchange rate is good :Coopwink: my main struggle is with trusting people and the heavy burden of regrets I have over lost opportunities in the past. 

2 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Sending you hugs and strength to get through this.

Thanks Coolcat7 :hugs:I feel slightly better this evening, going to the gym and re-establishing contact with a young lady I had my eye on when I was in Ireland has cheered me up a bit :smile:

2 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling mentally awful for no reason (no bad dream that I recall). Got paranoid thinking the TMS is making my depression worse! This morning I seem to feel the same as usual though.

If your usual feeling is good then I am glad that horrible feeling from the night has gone :hugs:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

Omg. I am shaking right now and my PTSD is totally triggered. Just had to take an Ativan to calm down. My heart is racing & I can hardly breathe. My most recent abusive ex replied to my email (telling him to get lost & to stop watching me in the bar), and he replied in a lengthy email with angry words, more abuse, and hurtful comments only to make me upset & to hurt me. He is the most toxic person I ever regret even knowing let alone dating. I told him as much in reply just now too, and told him to never contact me again. I am sick to my stomach and feel ill. I want to punch him I am so worked up and livid. I know he was just trying to hurt me, most likely because he was hurt. Still, being hurt gives him no license to react with more abuse. And that's exactly what it was... that's what he always did to me in our relationship. I want to scream.

This is what I just had to write in response ( he wouldn't stop emailing with more abuse!):

I only wrote to ask you to STOP WATCHING me in the bar, you controlling abusive mother ****er. It was so obvious that;s what you were doing! Now stop emailing me! I didn't even read your lengthy email & deleted it because I could tell it was more abuse! NOW GOODBYE you ****ing P**k!

cleardot.gif
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Wisteria said:

I wish you could not feel all that pain either, physical or emotional pain, still as horrible. :/

I'm in a lot of emotional pain.   I said things here I swore would never tell anyone.  I can't be here anymore.  I put myself way to far out there.  You can't be completely honest in this world or it burns you to the ground.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One day late, but I'm feeling grateful. I'm thankful for all of you on this forum who helped me with my struggles a couple months ago. No one else on the outside world were as nice as you. I still get sad every now and then, but it was nothing like before. I'm thankful for being happy most of the time, and for having adequate food and shelter. I'm thankful for being surrounded by caring people, unlike the "friends" I used to have. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, sober4life said:

Thank you for saying that.  I wish the same for you.  I look at the people around me.  It looks like it is so easy for them.  I feel completely lost myself.  Why can't I do this?  I always feel like I have just arrived in different country and can't speak the language.

Take my word for it, sober!  Most of those people you see in relationships are not living the dream you might thing they are.  Most, not all, but most, are fraught with tension and pain and insecurity and mistrust and loneliness.  I have been there in relationships.  It is just the way it is, these days, and maybe they way it has always been since the beginning of time.

 Another person cannot save you!  Period.  Only you can save you!  I have come to realize that only I can save me.  You can trust no others.  You can only trust yourself.  That is the truth.  And if you think about it, knowing and accepting that is most enlightening and empowering.

It is all within our own control, my friend.

You can build your own identity.  

You don't need another person to do it for you.

And neither the #### do I!!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only thought that brightened my day when I first woke up is that i get to see my boyfriend in just one week's time. It was the first thought I had and that made me feel really excited and happy!!!

Other than that, I am still shaking off the abuse that occurred with my most recent ex last night over email. It really shook me up pretty bad. My PTSD got triggered big time. I am much calmer now than I was last night, but it did take several glasses of win.e and an Ativan for me to stop shaking and calm down.

But I do need to vent about this.... I gotta get this out or else it will just continue to poison and infect me inside and out.

I guess if I can take a step back and look at it from a bird's eye view, all last night's events did is solidify for me the emotional and verbal abuse that I did experience in that relationship. His emails reaffirmed for me that he is in fact, highly abusive. He seized the opportunity to completely blast me and to try to hurt me, when I had simply asked him to avoid me entirely in the bar, saying I wanted nothing to do with him. He could have simply said, OK, or even sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. But instead, I received all of his anger and rage, directed all at me, trying to slam me, tear me down and hurt me. He went on a rampage.... he wanted to make sure to tell me he has zero interest in me and zero desire to be with me, that the feeling is mutual, and that he is interested in someone else. Why he needed to say these things except to hurt me.. it was unnecessary. I didn't even read the whole email through ... I could tell it was nasty, hurtful and abusive. Then it just became nastier and escalated from there to the point of my needing to threaten him with a restraining order if he continued to harass me after telling him to stop emailing me.

It is pure poison. And now I am very clearly remembering how awful I felt most the time when I was with him....

Thank GOD I have a wonderful boyfriend now who is the exact opposite. I need to be thankful for this and focus on that instead.. & just relish in my happiness with my boyfriend. But this poisonous, venomous person left me feeling sick to my stomach and overall just emotionally distraught.... HOW I could have been with him for almost two years I do not know. Sometimes the abuse was more subtle and harder to detect, and sometimes it was more overt. And it came out over time. It wasn't immediate. Then it worsened over time too and just became unbearable. So thank GOD I recognized the abuse and got out the moment I figured it out.

I am going to have a lot to talk about in therapy next Tue. I need my therapist to help me put this all into perspective and put this all to rest. I just want to be happy and focus on my current boyfriend and life... not the past and not my abusive ex. BUT I will keep seeing my ex in the bars when I go out...... so I need coping strategies for when I do. I need my therapist right now.

Thanks so much for listening.

 

Edited by RiverLight
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I realize I sound like a broken record about this former lover of mine, from so long ago. I obsess about if he's looked for me and I changed a picture of me on Linked In and am wondering if I should put my whole name on my FB profile... I use my nickname, because that is what I started using when I first did online social accounts (forums, email lists back in the '90s), and I figured that the people most important to me would know me by my nickname. Not sure if he ever did.

And then I think, no. Even if he did look for me, if he found me, what would I want? For him to come visit and meet my husband (my husband has no interest in meeting him!) and my son (my son would not care one way or the other).

Anyway, I cried about it, really cried and listened to the Linda Ronstadt album I played over and over, back in the '70s, when we were having our affair and my heart was breaking daily. The songs, "Love Has No Pride," and "Long, Long Time" were especially poignant and I was like a waterfall.

I think I almost cried it all out of me.

The other thing is that my husband has to deal with his brother, out of town and will be gone most of next week. Then he is traveling out of town to go to his work's holiday party (he telecommutes). I wish I could go with him to that, but I have to stay in town in case our son needs me.

It's been a dark month and I feel like I've been traveling over some really difficult terrain, mentally and emotionally. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm in a lot of emotional pain.   I said things here I swore would never tell anyone.  I can't be here anymore.  I put myself way to far out there.  You can't be completely honest in this world or it burns you to the ground.

It's important to be honest with yourself, even if the world would ''not like'' it, since in the end we can only be ourselves and no one else than you. Who cares what the world thinks? You do YOU. :hugs: 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feeling very down, depressed, barely left the bed and just wasted time online. I continue to see no point , when I've lost so many years, and continue to do so, without any hopes and dreams of a better tomorrow. Life won't give me a break...it's sad and it hurts....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On November 15, 2016 at 5:56 PM, Epictetus said:

I feel good.  Just re-read a book by a psychiatrist.  Seems like the only psychiatrist I have read who really "gets" depression. 

What's the author's name? I'd love to read it myself. I actually try to read anything that helps me to understand depression (and the effect on physical pain).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To add to my earlier post, I am also just angry. My ex behaved last night towards me as though I had been the one who mistreated him in our relationship, and not the other way around. I was nothing but loving and supportive of him for nearly two years. Yet he acted as though I had been the most hateful, unloving partner... and the most horrible girlfriend, as though I'm the one to blame, not him. It's called blame shifting and projection in psychology articles about abuse tactics they employ to maintain power and control over you. He is in fact extremely abusive. I am sick all over again. Had to take another Ativan today to calm down again... it is unjust but I know the real truth of the matter. His version is a twisted, upside down version that is far from the reality or truth. So be it. If he needs to live a lie to feel better, then so be it. At least I don't have to deal with him anymore.

Edited by RiverLight
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why does it say "you are not allowed to give reputation to this user" each time I try to "like" a post???  Weird.

 

Anyway...I feel irritable.

My mother called to tell me how overwhelmed she is, that the house is a mess, that she's been depressed and sleeping most of the time...

Am I supposed to care?

Welcome to my world!!

You had no problem putting a bunch of pressure on me when I'm physically ill and very depressed, and now you are feeling too overwhelmed to meet a deadline that you set...and I'm supposed to feel bad for you???

Give me a break.  Seek professional help.  Seriously.

(And, no, I didn't say that stuff to her...I'm just venting.)

Edited by LoneSquirrel
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 11/25/2016 at 9:24 AM, sober4life said:

I know how you feel believe me.  All I want is a loving relationship.  It means everything to me but I'm too messed up to get there.  It feels like constant death being alone.

Sober --

You're giving yourself conditions for being happy.  Like, "I'll be happy when I have a loving relationship," or "when X, Y and Z happen."  Until then, do you plan to let your life come to a stop?  I've read your posts here and in other threads.  I know you're having a hell of a time with living this life; I know you suffer from a few mental/emotional diagnoses.  I think I understand the pain you're in, but nobody can be in someone's else head, seeing through their eyes, so please take what I say as my attempt to support you, not scrutinize your behavior or desires.   

You remind me of a dog chasing his tail.  Where does it get him?  STUCK in revolving desperation.  It would be completely unfair to make the loved one you seek responsible for your happiness.  The change you want to see must come from you first.  Even the smallest shift to something non-self destructive could have an amazing effect on how you see the world and yourself in it.  Stop seeking what you think of as the unattainable thing for a moment, and look at what you have. 

Is there anything in your life that you're good at, or not even necessarily good at--something you like to do?  Can you find joy anywhere in your life, even for a moment?  It worries me for you, thinking that a relationship will make everything okay when there is so much else that makes you unhappy; so much else that it would not be fair to lay in the lap of the loved one you seek.  Ultimately, we have to find a way to water our own gardens, and then invite assistance with growth and sharing of what is beautiful within us.  You have the concern and support of everyone here, and though I know I do not speak for everyone, it seems to be a running theme in the depressed person's pain that we/they're not good enough; not deserving of good or love or abundance.  Keep allowing us to help each other; keep reaching out to us and allowing us to reach out to you.  The support we give and receive in these forums is a training ground for being able to achieve intimacy with ourselves and with others. 

Part of you seeks d.e.a.t.h. by alcohol.  Another part, the harder part to come to terms with, is that you don't want to die this way, but think it's all you deserve.  Clear/clean that space in your head and join us here in the intimacy struggle.  In order to let someone know you, you must know yourself well enough to share the best and the worst of yourself, and feel okay about it.  

So what does the "dog" do?  He puts down the bottle and walks away from it to find clarity of mind and the courage to continue living without dulling the pain with drink and then hating himself for doing it.  I believe that is the water for your garden.

I don't have all the answers.  I just know what I see and what I intuit.  What I've said here may mean nothing to you, and that's okay.  Just know that I/we care so much for you and see you in a way that only someone outside of you can. 

With love and peace --

WOTL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...