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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)


Lindsay

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6 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Thank you so very much! I will try to be careful... I just know myself and see myself heading into this phase now.... I want to go do everything bad at once.

I understand.  I have been down that road.  I wish I had some good advise to share.  My brains dead at the moment.  Hoping things turn around for you soon. :hugs:

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Trying to cope with loneliness and embracing being a loner.... I'm hoping that over time I'll be able to cope with it better. 

After all these years it's always the same outcome. Every time I'm around others I can never see to connect with others socially that constant feeling of being overlooked. *sigh* Hopefully as the days pass by the more numb I hope to become of things...

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1 hour ago, goincrazy said:

I feel useless , sad , and like all hope is fading. Sorry I keep repeating myself . It's just a bad night.  

:console:HUGS! Hope things get a bit better for you.. I find that a brand new day can bring brand new possibility. Hope the same for you!

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My job was terminated August 30 from what I was told because I did not return to work.  I have been off for more than two years.

I did not send in my medical receipts on time so now I am out $900.

My insurance did not pay me on August 31 like they usually do.

This depression is torturing me.

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I slept okay last night so this morning I am feeling quite motivated to get all the jobs done as I feel energised :smile: , mentally I feel quite stable and my mind is staying nice and quiet at the moment and not worrying me. I am actually finding a little joy in life today, I noticed earlier that a pair of squirrels seem to have taken up residence in our garden and even something as simple as that made me smile :happy: , they are more than welcome to do so. 

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I honestly don't know how I feel. The person I was falling in love with suddenly left me, and left me hanging with no way to talk to him about things. He suddenly cut off all communication with me, saying it's unhealthy for me to even be friends with him because he is such a wreck emotionally. It was an emotional roller coaster ride with him over the last few weeks, and my emotions were literally on a yo yo string. It hasn't been easy.

I am hurting and have been crying over it.. two psychics told me he will come back though and will be in touch again in the next 3-5 days. I am hoping this is true, even if for gaining closure if we cannot even be friends like he says we can't. But he was falling in love with me too, so I don't understand how someone can just walk away from that. I don't understand how he can stay away from me if he does truly feel like he's falling in love. It's really hard to comprehend. How can someone just walk away from true love?

I also hope I can actually get some work done today. I cancelled my interview (THANK GOD), and need to eat today. I did eat something yesterday finally and am proud of myself. I even had ice-cream late at night and treated myself.

What else? I am seeing an ex boyfriend tonight for the second time since he broke my heart four years ago. This will be interesting. I am testing myself to see if I am really over him, and I hope I am. But it may bring up all sorts of old feelings again, both good and bad, and I don't know if I am prepared for that given my currently bleeding heart.

I am also thinking of going on Tinder for casual sex. I need to change my dating profile to be read this way, and not the other way. I am sticking to my decision that I am avoiding all relationships and love from now on.

And last night I really felt like doing illicit drugs for the first time and going on a massive bender for the next three months. I feel my wild child side coming out right now.. perhaps as a way to act out all of these pent up emotions and release them. Perhaps because my last boyfriend tried to control me.  I am a wild child, always have been, and I act out. So I can see this coming on..... I almost contacted a friend to see if I could get some drugs from him, but held off. Maybe I'll just go on a drinking and sex binge instead, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I don't know.

Thanks for listening and for supporting.... HUGS to all on here!


 

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Spoke to my insurance rep this morning. He said my insurance payments will be a few days late but everything is okay.

It appears I will still get my $900 buck from my insurance because the deadline for sending medical receipts is December 2016 and not August 2016 as my employer has suggested.

Now that I am unemployed my private insurance will cost $187 per month.  I was hoping for something like $137.   I will keep trying.

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Depressed. Been binge-eating lately and feel like garbage all the time. Tired and listless. Have to work today--only a four-hour shift, but even so I'm dreading it. I don't want to see people and have to talk to them and feel exposed for my strangeness--I just want to stay where it's safe. If only I could simply disappear. Everything in life is a pointless obligation that weighs me down. I want to be untethered and free, but I know it won't happen until I die. Man, how great would it be just to die and not have to worry anymore?

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Extremely anxious, I've been putting off an important phone call for like two months now and it HAS to be made today, like I should be phoning them right now but I'm pacing around, hiding in rooms when the phone rings even though they don't know my new number. I thought everything was resolved.. having moved again, and successfully putting pieces together in my life - it was going so well. I'm getting spooked even when I get email notifications, like ***..

 

It's amazing what the mind can do. In just 1 day I'm back to where I was not long ago and literally nothing has happened.. least not yet, anyway. What a discusting feeling.

 

 

 

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I feel really hopeless, I had high hopes that this medication would work, and I don't know some days I feel somewhat less anxious than usual, and then others I don't even want to get out of bed. I just feel like there's no point in trying anymore. I am really tired and discouraged. I have nothing to look forward to all day stuck in my bedroom it stinks.

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Feeling as though I don't know where my life is going.  It is September 1st and a very cool day here.  Almost as though autumn had kicked Summer's a.s.s. and said GET.  OUT.  Some trees are ALREADY changing color.  Everything seems sped up and I feel like I do in most terminals.  (Terminals make me so.  d.a.m.n.e.d. sad.)  As though everyone is going somewhere and I am standing still.

My life has no flow right now.  I'm stuck waiting for medical help; waiting for a settlement for my car accident; waiting for the sun to come from behind the clouds because I want to lie outside and work on my tan.  But my bedroom feels safer.  It's exhausting facing the world today.  Want to pull the shades, close the drapes and hide.  But when I wake, the day will be gone and night will come again, and nights lately have not been great. 

Why am I not working on my novel?  Because I'm afraid to fail in my own eyes.  Need to take my own advice and just write for 15 minutes without taking my hands off the keyboard and then go back and clean it up.

What's that old musical from the 60's?  "Stop the World.  I Want to Get Off."  That John Mayer song? "Stop this Train."

The presidential election is 8 weeks away.  How can it be?  How can it be that I'm still in Ohio?  Incomprehensible. 

That hard fall I took a couple of weeks ago has affected the last two fingers of my left hand.  They're almost numb.  Typing is difficult.  But my inner Voice says to me:

OH, SO WHAT?  PEOPLE LIVE WITH A LOT MORE PAIN THAN YOU DO.

But . . .

DO WHAT YOU CAN TODAY AND START AGAIN TOMORROW.  BECAUSE, BELIEVE ME, YOU'RE NOT PROMISED "TOMORROW."

Doesn't that mean that I can hide under the covers?  Maybe wait for d.e.a.t.h. to pay me a visit?

OF COURSE.  YOU CAN HIDE ALL YOU WANT BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS LIFE UNTIL YOU DO WHAT YOU'VE COME HERE TO DO.

Which is WHAT?

LEARN TO LIVE COURAGEOUSLY.  ACT ON WHAT YOUR INTUITION TELLS YOU.  THERE WAS A SMALL WINDOW OF TIME WHEN YOU USED TO DO THAT.

When was that?

ABOUT SEVEN YEARS AGO.

So, it's time for another Seven Year Itch?

MIGHT BE.  WHICH MEANS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.  NOW.  BECAUSE NOW IS ALL YOU HAVE.  TOMORROW IS GOING TO COME REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU HIDE UNDER THE COVERS.  AND THEN ANOTHER DAY WILL HAVE GONE BY WITH YOUR WANTING "STOP THIS TRAIN."  BEST TO ENJOY THE RIDE WHILE YOU CAN.  YOU'RE ACTING AS THOUGH YOU'VE PAID TO GO ON A CRUISE, AND THAT SINCE YOUR DESTINATION STARTS AND ENDS IN THE SAME PLACE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET OFF WITHOUT TAKING THE TRIP.

But sometimes the trip hurts.

YES.  BUT I'M THERE WITH YOU.  EVEN IN YOUR DARKEST HOURS. 

Yes.  I know this.  I've felt it frequently enough to know it is true.

NOW, GO MEDITATE AND REINFORCE THAT FACT.

And so here I go . . .

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2 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Feeling as though I don't know where my life is going.  It is September 1st and a very cool day here.  Almost as though autumn had kicked Summer's a.s.s. and said GET.  OUT.  Some trees are ALREADY changing color.  Everything seems sped up and I feel like I do in most terminals.  (Terminals make me so.  d.a.m.n.e.d. sad.)  As though everyone is going somewhere and I am standing still.

My life has no flow right now.  I'm stuck waiting for medical help; waiting for a settlement for my car accident; waiting for the sun to come from behind the clouds because I want to lie outside and work on my tan.  But my bedroom feels safer.  It's exhausting facing the world today.  Want to pull the shades, close the drapes and hide.  But when I wake, the day will be gone and night will come again, and nights lately have not been great. 

Why am I not working on my novel?  Because I'm afraid to fail in my own eyes.  Need to take my own advice and just write for 15 minutes without taking my hands off the keyboard and then go back and clean it up.

What's that old musical from the 60's?  "Stop the World.  I Want to Get Off."  That John Mayer song? "Stop this Train."

The presidential election is 8 weeks away.  How can it be?  How can it be that I'm still in Ohio?  Incomprehensible. 

That hard fall I took a couple of weeks ago has affected the last two fingers of my left hand.  They're almost numb.  Typing is difficult.  But my inner Voice says to me:

OH, SO WHAT?  PEOPLE LIVE WITH A LOT MORE PAIN THAN YOU DO.

But . . .

DO WHAT YOU CAN TODAY AND START AGAIN TOMORROW.  BECAUSE, BELIEVE ME, YOU'RE NOT PROMISED "TOMORROW."

Doesn't that mean that I can hide under the covers?  Maybe wait for d.e.a.t.h. to pay me a visit?

OF COURSE.  YOU CAN HIDE ALL YOU WANT BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS LIFE UNTIL YOU DO WHAT YOU'VE COME HERE TO DO.

Which is WHAT?

LEARN TO LIVE COURAGEOUSLY.  ACT ON WHAT YOUR INTUITION TELLS YOU.  THERE WAS A SMALL WINDOW OF TIME WHEN YOU USED TO DO THAT.

When was that?

ABOUT SEVEN YEARS AGO.

So, it's time for another Seven Year Itch?

MIGHT BE.  WHICH MEANS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.  NOW.  BECAUSE NOW IS ALL YOU HAVE.  TOMORROW IS GOING TO COME REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU HIDE UNDER THE COVERS.  AND THEN ANOTHER DAY WILL HAVE GONE BY WITH YOUR WANTING "STOP THIS TRAIN."  BEST TO ENJOY THE RIDE WHILE YOU CAN.  YOU'RE ACTING AS THOUGH YOU'VE PAID TO GO ON A CRUISE, AND THAT SINCE YOUR DESTINATION STARTS AND ENDS IN THE SAME PLACE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET OFF WITHOUT TAKING THE TRIP.

But sometimes the trip hurts.

YES.  BUT I'M THERE WITH YOU.  EVEN IN YOUR DARKEST HOURS. 

Yes.  I know this.  I've felt it frequently enough to know it is true.

NOW, GO MEDITATE AND REINFORCE THAT FACT.

And so here I go . . .

Love this.

Sending you got thoughts in all aspects, WOTL, but especially in getting to that novel.  Just write, as you say, and fix it up later!!!!  Spew joyfully!!!

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