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Lindsay

The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

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2 hours ago, duck said:

I am thinking about all the doctors who discriminated against me because they thought I had schizophrenia.  They had me locked up in a mental institution.

Another doctor said I am trying to get attention.  I have learned a large percentage of doctors hate people with mental illnesses.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia years ago.  I know from experience what happens with that diagnosis.  You can forget about your rights.  They see you as a never ending money train for them.  That's why I'll never go to a doctor again.  Whatever happens I will not buy anymore doctors houses, cars and vacations just to be felt used and abused.

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5 hours ago, KidSurvivor2011 said:

Saddened. R.I.P. Chester Bennington

 

- KS

I second that emotion, KS.  :coopcray:  Chester was Linkin Park for me, and so many of their songs expressed how I felt.  And when he screamed.... it was always very cathartic and emotional for me, to listen to a song and hear that scream. :coopcray:

 

 

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I went out to the book store Thursday evening and I was hoping to have  a great time.  I was hoping to people watch.  Well the rain came down like the heavens opened up and everybody went away. There was not a sole to be found in the streets.  So much for having a positive attitude.

BTW I found a book on DBT but I forget the authors name.

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@EyeC33U ((((Hugs))))) I wish I had words of advice for you. This sounds like a very difficult situation you're in, especially with a daughter involved. I just broke off my engagement with my fiance, for a number of reasons, but ultimately because it wasn't healthy or good for me.

I would not be fond of the coke issue, nor of the fact that he said he only developed feelings after having a child. That would hurt me deeply if it were me. The lying to me is unacceptable -- of course, how can you trust him if he was lying to you. Drugs/addictions are a shady area and make people do dishonest and dishonorable things. He already misled you to believe his feelings were real when you first got together, as well. And the threats, that's just plain cruel and is a fear tactic used to get you to stay. That's manipulation using your own fears against you..... this does not sound like a healthy relationship for you.

Can you leave? Do you have some place you could stay if you did leave? What does your mind's logic tell you to do? Or, your gut? Do you have friends nearby that you can lean on who can help advise you? In the end, you have to do what is right and healthiest for you...  and also, I understand, for your daughter. I believe in a court of law, they usually keep the child with the mother, at least here in the U.S. I don't know where you are located.

Wishing you all the best through this.... I know it can be painfully hard to deal with after being with someone for so long, especially when you're feeling confused and also dealing with depression. Keep leaning on DF for help.... perhaps others here will have some better advice. ((((Hugs))))

Edited by Natasha1

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I am feeling.... a little bit stronger, a little bit more resolute and slightly better, but not hugely. This breakup with my fiance has been tumultuous and a big upheaval, causing me to be off balance and unsettled. For the last few days since I left, it has felt like an emotional crisis where my anxiety is through the roof, I can't eat and I can't focus on my work.

I had to see him yesterday when I picked up some of my things to move out. He hugged me and was very sweet to me. It was nice to hug, but I don't feel good about what happened between us, most especially given our last fight. For the most part, we're on good terms right now. We have details to talk about and tie up together before we both move out, but we're not fighting and we're not antagonistic with each other.

I hope he sticks to his word and cleans the apartment on Saturday since I've let him stay there on his own. I don't fully trust that he will do the best job so I can get my deposit back, so I am going there next week to make sure it's all done to my satisfaction, right before we have to turn in the keys to management. I also have to make at least two more trips to get all my things. It's an hour round trip.

What a mess..... I really made a mess of my life at this point. Given how things have turned out and how stressful it all became for me, I should not have swooped in to save him from homelessness and move him to Boston. I should have just given him suggestions, but I panicked, too, and did the maternal thing. I saved him. I didn't know what was to happen when he moved here and had no idea that it wouldn't work out.

I re-read my journal entries since living together. He had declined on an interview with the donut shop in our first week together. He lied to them saying he had no way of getting there, when I had offered him my car. I don't know why he did that. If he had just taken that job then, perhaps we wouldn't be where we are now. And it should not have taken over three months for him to find a local job. I really don't understand why he dragged his feet for so long when he knew how stressed I was about money and about supporting him.

I hope and pray that he finds a place to live. He has exactly one week to find a place before he has to leave our apartment. I fear he will end up in a homeless shelter in a week or dead. He is at risk for suicide. This has me very much on edge and anxious. At least in a shelter he will have access to social service resources to help him get on his feet again.

I will not feel entirely settled until he has a place to live. If he does off himself, I can't take responsibility, but I feel responsible. No matter what he's done to me, I still care and want the best outcome for him. I do care about his safety.

 





 

Edited by RiverLight

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3 hours ago, EyeC33U said:

I feel...confused...

Been with my bf almost 7 years & we have a 4 yo together. He's quite a few years older and after our talk yesterday I honestly feel like I wasted more than half my twenties in this thing we have.... he tells me that he only STARTED to learn to love me/have true feelings AFTER having a kid together... I really didn't know how to take that....in addition to that he finally admitted that he's been spending a lot of money,up until recently on drugs (garden shrub /coke mainly) . I feel so dumb for not seeing it & believing him when he's told me he wasn't. Also not so sure I can believe him now..... After so many years and now actually living together and being "engaged to be engaged" I'm not so sure I want to be with him or anyone for that matter. Just feel like being alone would be better than trying to be with someone especially being so depressed. Don't get me wrong he's done good like letting me move in with the baby and helping me get this job,but Idk....

The only thing that makes me feel good is coming home to my daughter but he basically threatens to take her every time I mention leaving so,Idk.... just feel like maybe I fell in love with a facade and now I'm stuck

I hope I'm making sense bc my thoughts are racing rn5

Just speaking from my own experience if he's addicted to coke run.  It's the most addictive thing I've ever come across.  When you're addicted to it you don't care about anything but getting more.  God help anyone or anything that gets in your way.

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13 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Just speaking from my own experience if he's addicted to coke run.  It's the most addictive thing I've ever come across.  When you're addicted to it you don't care about anything but getting more.  God help anyone or anything that gets in your way.

that is so very true! I was going to say the same thing.

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59 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

I am feeling.... a little bit stronger, a little bit more resolute and slightly better, but not hugely. This breakup with my fiance has been tumultuous and a big upheaval, causing me to be off balance and unsettled. For the last few days since I left, it has felt like an emotional crisis where my anxiety is through the roof, I can't eat and I can't focus on my work.

I had to see him yesterday when I picked up some of my things to move out. He hugged me and was very sweet to me. It was nice to hug, but I don't feel good about what happened between us, most especially given our last fight. For the most part, we're on good terms right now. We have details to talk about and tie up together before we both move out, but we're not fighting and we're not antagonistic with each other.

I hope he sticks to his word and cleans the apartment on Saturday since I've let him stay there on his own. I don't fully trust that he will do the best job so I can get my deposit back, so I am going there next week to make sure it's all done to my satisfaction, right before we have to turn in the keys to management. I also have to make at least two more trips to get all my things. It's an hour round trip.

What a mess..... I really made a mess of my life at this point. Given how things have turned out and how stressful it all became for me, I should not have swooped in to save him from homelessness and move him to Boston. I should have just given him suggestions, but I panicked, too, and did the maternal thing. I saved him. I didn't know what was to happen when he moved here and had no idea that it wouldn't work out.

I re-read my journal entries since living together. He had declined on an interview with the donut shop in our first week together. He lied to them saying he had no way of getting there, when I had offered him my car. I don't know why he did that. If he had just taken that job then, perhaps we wouldn't be where we are now. And it should not have taken over three months for him to find a local job. I really don't understand why he dragged his feet for so long when he knew how stressed I was about money and about supporting him.

I hope and pray that he finds a place to live. He has exactly one week to find a place before he has to leave our apartment. I fear he will end up in a homeless shelter in a week or dead. He is at risk for suicide. This has me very much on edge and anxious. At least in a shelter he will have access to social service resources to help him get on his feet again.

I will not feel entirely settled until he has a place to live. If he does off himself, I can't take responsibility, but I feel responsible. No matter what he's done to me, I still care and want the best outcome for him. I do care about his safety.

 





 

It sounds to me like he never wanted to get the job.  That's why you would lie and say you don't have a way to work when you do.  That is the one thing restaurants want from people is reliable transportation.  More than anything they want people that will work any shift and be the person that comes in every time someone calls off work.  If he said he had no way to get there of course they wouldn't hire him.

Edited by sober4life

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3 minutes ago, sober4life said:

It sounds to me like he never wanted to get the job.  That's why you would lie and say you don't have a way to work when you do.  That is the one thing restaurants want from people is reliable transportation.  More than anything they want people that will work any shift and be the person that comes in every time someone calls off work.  If he said he had no way to get there of course they wouldn't hire him.

I think he didn't want that particular job and he thought he had the luxury of picking and choosing while I paid for everything.

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I sometimes wonder if I was leading a different life before and when I woke up this morning, I got switched into this depressing existence, with all of my memories being conjured up to make me think this has been my life all along. I know that sounds crazy, but I grasp at anything to explain this craptacular existence.

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16 minutes ago, duck said:

Nothing in this world can trouble you more than your own thoughts.

That is so true.

Close second is sitting on public toilet before realising someone tinkled on it 

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Just now, Ba3inga said:

Life come sometimes feel like the matrix films

If I'm honest with myself, I recognize that most of our "reality" is manufactured. The TV, movies, popular culture, etc. all influence us to conform to the powers behind "the matrix".

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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

If I'm honest with myself, I recognize that most of our "reality" is manufactured. The TV, movies, popular culture, etc. all influence us to conform to the powers behind "the matrix".

Aye, can make you feel like yelling for the planet to stop, so you can jump off.

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3 minutes ago, Ba3inga said:

Aye, can make you feel like yelling for the planet to stop, so you can jump off.

I'm trying to hold myself as far as possible from the "rat race". But it still catches me.

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Just now, JD4010 said:

I'm trying to hold myself as far as possible from the "rat race". But it still catches me.

Ditto. I thought the idea of being a lighthouse worker, somewhere really inaccessible, would be perfect for me. Unfortunately most are unmaned now and l like being easily accessible to my son. I keep scheming though.

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