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Maluhalu

Not enough

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A

I am mother to a wonderfull 8 year old little girl. There is nothing that gives me more joy, and she is the only thing I feel real pride in. I work very hard to keep my depression and anxiety away from her, to not make decisions regarding her be tainted by it. So I grit my teeth and go to the sosial gatherings, meetings, playdates ect. I get up, we do positive and fun activities, and her friends are always welcome here.

But there have been times (because it was for a long time just us) where I haven't been good enough at hiding. And now I am noticing the results. I am having one of my not so good periods lately, where I tend to want quiet and little activity around me. I don't have the initiative and patience I usually muster. And instead of rebelling a bit, complaining or asking for more... She understands. She puts her needs aside because I am not able to deal with them. This hurts me so much to see... And she'll say comforting things like 'You are the best mom, don't be stressed' 'I don't mind that we didn't do what we planned today, we'll do it another day'

This is a feeling of responsebility I -never- wanted her to feel. I tell her, openly, that I am having a difficult time...but that it is nothing she has done, contributed to, or can fix. And that it will be ok.

I am so scared of ruining her childhood and making her grow up to fast. My issues 'rubbing off' on her in the prossess. 

I try so hard, now I am seeing that it is not enough. It breaks my heart. 

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Maluhalu,

Do you have any idea how much comfort it gave me, when my mother told me that my grandfather, who I never met, would sometimes lay down on the floor for hours and zone out?  For years, all I knew was that my Mom and her sisters ABSOLUTELY ADORED my grandpa, their father.  She said, when he would be tired and distant and depressed they would just crawl all over him or nap beside him.  Never once did she say "And my Dad scarred me by being depressed (his real, genuine self some of the time)."  

Your daughter will, sometime in her life, have deep depression or great anxiety, not because of a mistake you made, but because that is part of life.  If she somehow avoids it, one of her children will, and they will finally feel human and normal the minute that they heard about Grandma Maluhalu, whom they ALL ADORE, went through the same thing.  It will be an unfathomable relief to them, like it was to me, that good people can go through this :)  

Maybe your daughter just wants the honest you to relax and be you, good times and bad, so that she can be honest with you her whole life too.

 

 

 

In retrospect, he was just like me.  

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44 minutes ago, Maluhalu said:
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A

I am mother to a wonderfull 8 year old little girl. There is nothing that gives me more joy, and she is the only thing I feel real pride in. I work very hard to keep my depression and anxiety away from her, to not make decisions regarding her be tainted by it. So I grit my teeth and go to the sosial gatherings, meetings, playdates ect. I get up, we do positive and fun activities, and her friends are always welcome here.

But there have been times (because it was for a long time just us) where I haven't been good enough at hiding. And now I am noticing the results. I am having one of my not so good periods lately, where I tend to want quiet and little activity around me. I don't have the initiative and patience I usually muster. And instead of rebelling a bit, complaining or asking for more... She understands. She puts her needs aside because I am not able to deal with them. This hurts me so much to see... And she'll say comforting things like 'You are the best mom, don't be stressed' 'I don't mind that we didn't do what we planned today, we'll do it another day'

This is a feeling of responsebility I -never- wanted her to feel. I tell her, openly, that I am having a difficult time...but that it is nothing she has done, contributed to, or can fix. And that it will be ok.

I am so scared of ruining her childhood and making her grow up to fast. My issues 'rubbing off' on her in the prossess. 

I try so hard, now I am seeing that it is not enough. It breaks my heart. 

I have no children, so i don't know how it feels to have my little one tell me "it's okay."  I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I believe that the two of you are together in this life, as you have probably been before, because she understands, not just on the emotional level, but on the soul level.  I'm sure you feel you're doing her a disservice by not being able to muster what it takes to hide your true self, but it is a blessing that the two of you communicate the way you do!  Most children (at least of my generation) just don't/didn't have that.  I tease my mother now about her "scary face" when we were growing up (she never had to lay a hand on us), and her lack of explanation about why she told us to do this or that.  "Because I say so," was her standard response, and it made us angry and we had no outlet whatsoever for that anger.  The only emotion acceptable in our house was happiness, and if you weren't happy, it was too f.u.c.k.i.n.g. bad.

I'm sorry you suffer with depression and anxiety, as we all do here.  But you have the (limited [in the chronological age sense]) understanding of a soul companion, and everyone here.

Keep writing.

WOTL

 

Edited by womanofthelight
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All you can do is let them know that you're having trouble and it's not their fault; that you love them and that you really appreciate all of their help. You're not ruining anything. You're being a parent. Seems like you're doing a good job, too.

Peace

 

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