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sarah2k

Can't move on - help!

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Hi, I need help because the man I love abruptly cut off all contact with me... let me explain

I am engaged to a man I've been with for eleven years (I am 31). We both are doing doctorates in the US. My fiancé is a very practical, stable, reliable person. I am a bit more of the wild one between the two of us. Last year I got a fellowship to go abroad for the summer. I found an apartment in the capital living with a man, a roommate. This guy is really not the type of guy I would have imagined for myself, but after a few weeks already I realized that I was really falling for him. We did everything together - I cooked dinner for us most nights, we ate breakfast, we went out together on the weekends. We essentially lived like a married couple while remaining completely platonic.

I had to go away for a week to visit a friend in another city, and that was when I realized how intense my feelings were - I sent him messages saying I thought about him all the time, I missed him and couldn't wait to come back. He told me he felt the same and was 'counting down' until I got back, because the apartment was 'sad and lonely' without me.

When I got back things became more intense. But then we started fighting - he would get mad at me, asking "what do you want with me? what do you want??" and I wouldn't answer because I didn't know... I had told him when I first arrived I didn't really believe in 'love' (my parents marriage was a disaster and I thought having a dependable steady partner was the way to go). Towards the end he told me I had 'never given love a chance.' But I also told him I wanted to break up with my fiancé and move to the city where he was "to be free." I didn't say that it was to be with him because I didn't have the nerve - he never told me he loved me, nor that he wanted to be with me. He never said anything. 

In the end though when it came time for me to leave I was a complete mess, crying at the airport, we promised that we'd see each other next summer, that I'd come back. After I left I was pretty depressed for a month or so, I think he was too - he was sending me photos of places we'd been together. I told him life was terrible without him. But eventually I was able to throw myself into work. We kept in touch over skype though and I was able to get another scholarship to come back this summer. 

When I arrived he was ecstatic - he had bought me flowers, made me dinner, set up the apartment for me. He said it was like I had never left! I felt the same way. He asked me though what my plans were for the future and I said I didn't have any. I still had an engagement ring though. 

Two days after I arrived he flipped out over something minor, and I think used that as a pretext, because he suddenly said he didn't want to live with me anymore. He said I was "inconsiderate" and "didn't care about others" and he didn't trust me anymore. He said I needed to look for another place to live for the summer. At first I thought he changed his mind but over the course of the week he became more and more angry: wouldn't talk to me at all. I finally found a new apartment and moved out. That week was terrible, both of us acted like zombies - we didn't speak to each other. I felt numb, I didn't cry, I didn't tell him how I felt.

After I left though I started crying every day. It's been two months almost and I still cry every day, I barely leave my apartment because I'll start crying in public and have to come home. I've sent him two messages begging to reconsider and he hasn't responded - he's blocked me on skype. I have one more month here. My friend says if I keep messaging him I'll risk veering into 'stalker territory' - is that true?? It's true that he told me very emphatically he wanted 'nothing to do' with me - but I've only sent him two messages! But I still didn't tell him everything - that I do love him in fact, and I wanted to be with him but how was I supposed to drop my entire life to be with him if he never even told me he loved me? Maybe he thinks I'm a coward. Maybe he doesn't think about me at all anymore. I don't know. But I think about him all the time. I really can't move on...

Any advice?? help!!

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you shouldn't leave your fiance hanging like that... if you are having thoughts for another guy, you should break off your other relationships before pursuing something new. Inconsiderate to your fiance of 11 years to lie to him and keep him as your back-up plan while planning on leaving him hanging if something else works out.

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Look no judgment here. You can't change what happened but you need to realize that your relationship with your fiance is over. And it looks like the relationship with your roommate is also over. It's really unfortunate things didn't work out for you. But, for the sake of everyone involved, you may need to move on.

Certainly, if your roommate asked you to sever contact, you should do it without question. If he wants you to leave him alone, you should probably leave him alone. If I may be frank: if he wanted you, he would want to be with you. It doesn't seem like this is the case.

And your fiance needs to move on as well. It's up to you whether you tell him what happened or just choose to break things off without explanation. But it's wrong to leave him expecting a marriage which doesn't appear will ever happen. I'm not going to say you owe it to him. But it seems the decent thing to do.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this situation. I wish I could give you some better advice other than to accept what happened, accept you can't have the man you wanted and choose to move forward with your life.

I hope you can move forward and find happiness for yourself.

Peace

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It is difficult when intense emotions are involved, but when someone tells you he doesn't want you, accept it as truth, respect it and move on.  It's so painful, hoping someone will change his/her mind.  And why should you leave yourself in some netherworld, unconvinced that he really doesn't mean what he says?  Trust that he knows his own mind and heart and let that be the end of it.   

As Starsea said, it's best to come clean with your fiance, particularly if you don't want him as a life partner any more.  Why should either of you settle?  You both want and deserve true, lasting love, so if you want your fiance, tell him everything.  It is likely he will not want to feel like a last resort, so, steel yourself for him to wanting to break up.   

This is a very painful situation and I hope you can resolve it with as little hurt to yourself and the men involved.

[As for the 'other' man never telling you he loved you, I've come to see that it's best to wait for that declaration rather than do it first.  I've expressed interest in men before they've expressed an interest in me, and had it work out for the length of the relationship.  But my grandmother advised my eldest sister that there is always one who loves more than the other in a relationship, and the one who loves more should be the man.  I think she believed that because my grandfather was a real visionary, assertive and moody man, and maybe she loved him more than he loved her.  It didn't end that way, sadly, but we all learn our lessons in love as they come to us.]

My best thoughts for your happiness,

WOTL

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Yes I know that in general one must accept that people will tell you the truth - but I just find it very hard to believe, considering that we were planning my return for an entire year, spoke about it on practically a weekly basis, and he (my roommate) even found a roommate that would only stay until June specifically so that I could come back and live with him this summer (and told me it was "all he thought about"). 

His original idea was for us to share a room! I said I thought it best to have two separate rooms...

And then two days after I come back he flips out and says I need to find somewhere else because he "can't" be around me ("it's too difficult")?? It was all rather hard to accept - and hard to believe! Considering how ecstatic he was about me coming back, and then two days later had completely flipped out. It just seemed like an emotional reaction to the fact that I hadn't broken up with my boyfriend and instead of talking to me about it or asking me about it he thought it was easier to just reject me completely.

He himself has Borderline personality disorder (I think - pretty sure) and he was so attached I think he couldn't handle the idea that maybe everything wasn't going to be exactly as he imagined. His thinking is often very black and white. 

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If you put yourself in his shoes... You say you have been talking about you coming back, how he made sure everything was ready for you. All his thought on your reuninon, you'll finally get to be together again. Just the two of you. And as it is for sure -you- want this, because that is what you have said all this time.

Then there you are, ring still on your finger. How is that going to make him feel. You are not free, clearly not there to be his. You still belong to someone else. 

Could it be he is in love with you and thought everything you talked of leading to you coming back was a start of something real between you? That you not breaking the engagement was quite a blow? 

Ofc, I could be wrong. But I just find it helpfull to turn the view around when I wonder 'why' when others react as they do. Just to consider what went wrong/how I feel when I don't get lost in my own experience of the situation.

If my uneducated guess has any truth you could maybe turn things around by letting your fiance go and apologizing to the guy you love. Maybe it won't fix anything, but if you truly want to be with him it deserves you going all inn, win or lose. If he is still done, then you ofc have to accept that, but at least you'll not be left with the 'what if..'

 

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I know, I know, I really do.  BUT from my side I came back this year because I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted - mostly because this guy never told me he liked me! It was all "oh I think about you all the time" but never "I want to be with you" nothing like that. So I wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or whether he just liked me as a friend. I just felt like I couldn't break up with my fiancé for someone who hadn't even told me he liked me! He never made any move on me whatsoever so I just didn't know how he felt about me.

So this summer I wanted to come back and I had decided I was going to tell him I loved him and ask him how he felt but things blew up so quickly I never had the chance... and now I've written to him, pleading with him to see me and he won't respond... I just regret what happened. Maybe I was a selfish a******, but he never made anything clear to me!!!

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It is never easy beeing sure that a relationship is going to work out, even when someone says the words it is scary. I can truly understand  not daring to jump in. And comming back this summer and seeing how it goes was not a bad strategy, one step at the time is fine.

i think the issue here is that if you are trying to make something happen with someone new, someone you feel you love, that fiance should be out of the picture regardless. Keeping him as a back up is not fair to him. He deserves you to let him find someone who wants only him. I don't mean to be harsh, but you should let him go no matter the outcome. 

Maybe you beeing engaged was something holding the new guy back from expressing his feelings properly all this time? I personally would not have layed my feelings bare to someone who had promised themselves to someone else without beeing sure that was a thing of the past. Ofc, that is what I would have felt, I don't know the guy, he might not be good at opening up in any case...or something else might be the reason. 

In any case, I would brake it off with the fiance before reaching out again. No matter if that works out or not. It might be what he need to hear. 

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