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So lonely but I can't trust anyone

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I don't know if this is bpd related or not, but I have a lot of problems making and keeping friends which is bothering me right now. 

I flip constantly from needing company and, I guess, the validation that it brings (that I am an 'ok' person or 'likeable'), to hating everyone around me, feeling rejected and like it's not worth making the effort - I'm better off alone etc. I practically idolise other people's social skills and feel quite jealous of their ability to have others appreciation and care. Many times when I've reached out to people, I find that my efforts have either been ignored or I've been hurt by them in some way. I feel quite bitter about most of my past friendships and have few friendships left that have lasted longer than a couple of years. 

I feel like everyone is judging me all the time, so I rarely feel able to leave the house and when I do I make sure not to stand out from the crowd and keep my head down, don't interact with people around and so on. I don't know how to get over my paranoia, and I end up trapped in my isolating behaviours which 'protect' me. I can't even face starting a college course, volunteering or getting a job as other people cause me such anxiety. Even if people are being nice to my face, I think that they secretly hate me or are picking me apart in their head. 

It makes dating especially difficult and I've always been shy anyway. I feel sad that I never have the courage to speak to anyone that I fancy, and every person I've dated has been someone that I didn't feel that strongly about because they were the only people I had the confidence to talk to. I feel ashamed that I lie to people and pretend that I feel the same way as they do, all because I am too scared of losing them and not having anyone else. I always end up feeling like I've 'settled' with people, friends or partners, and end up resenting their company, even though they haven't done anything wrong, and I'm the horrible one. 

I feel like I've said too much, and it's so shameful, all of it. But I needed to get it out somewhere. I have nowhere else to go...

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I also have little social ability and am envious of others' social skills. If you are an introvert, don't feel poorly about not having a large social group. Don't believe society's expectation of "normal" people having lots of friends. I also tend to never leave home, and I've found that the best way (for me) to deal with social anxiety is to be in social situations. You don't have to go to a concert with hundreds of people; you can go to a book club with a few people. Once I interacted with people, it wasn't so scary. I still don't like it, as I am an introvert, but I can do it when I need to.

Not being able to make emotional connections with people is difficult. I've yet to find an easy way for people like us to do it. Continue trying. There are probably many more people around you than you could ever meet, so there is always potential. I've never had any success in dating either. Have you considered dating websites? You could try more indirect methods of contacting people. Instead of approaching them and taking to them, you could give them notes. I don't recommend accepting people because you think they are the best you can get. I think that would lead to many unhappy relationships.

I don't think any of what you said is shameful. These are very common issues that many people face. They are just as normal as their opposites.

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Everything you wrote sounds so familiar to me. I'm still struggling to be comfortable with myself even though to everyone else, there's nothing wrong with me. Try to avoid comparing yourself to others, because no one is perfect and they probably have their own problems too. Start doing simple things like taking a walk and saying hi to your neighbors. Every little bit helps. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
1 hour ago, makemesmile said:

Completely relate to everything you said. Just posted a similar post in relationships and depression forum.

Me too.

You are not alone feeling this way, Out_of _step.

I dare say you are in good company on df.

Don.t bottle up. Tell us what you are comfortable with.. We are listening.

Hugs! :-)

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Thanks for your replies and support everyone x

I'm not sure how to move forward with this particular issue right now. I'm just trying to concentrate on getting better/more stable health wise, and maybe the motivation will follow... I don't know.

Will think about trying some of the suggestions, if I can. It's hard to break a lifetime habit though!

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  • 1 year later...

I don't understand my situation. I am the most popular kid at my school, but only because I listen to others and am nice to everybody. I don't even want to be popular. That is not the problem, the problem is that I have such high standards that nobody can relate to me and my problems. They all think that I am happy and smart all the time, but I'm not. I don't even try! I am always there for other people with an ear or advice for them, but nobody has that for me. I am so lonely! I have plenty of friends around me and I take all relationships with other people seriously, but I still don't have a deep intimate connection with anybody, so I am stuck with my problems and have no way to communicate it. I don't know what to do. I know how you feel, not being able to trust anyone. Good luck.

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