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Bad Date, Don't Know What's Wrong With Me


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I went out on a date today.  It's the first date I've been on in years, don't know how many years.  It's weird.  I was set up with her by someone I met on Tinder last year and talked with for months, but never actually met.  She found another guy, but apparently I made quite the impression on her, cuz she still remembered me and decided to reach out to me and told me she's setting me up with her friend.

I was talkative, so was she.  I think she's very cute.  Don't know if she finds me attractive.  We met at Starbucks and went mini golfing.  She was fine with it and seemed excited.

There was some awkward moments of scilence, which I guess is expected when you're meeting someone for the first time.  I made her laugh a few times with jokes or commentary.

She said she had fun and we should hang out again, but for some reason I don't believe her.  I don't think she really liked the date.  She seemed somewhat disinterested by the end of the date, which leads me to believe that she didn't have a good time.  Idk.

I've been alone for my whole life.  I have a mother who pressures me every day of my life to find a girl friend,  I have friends who are already married or going to be married.  I don't know what it feels like to be loved or to be in love.  I feel like I will never find anyone, and I have good reason to feel that way because I know that there are people who never find anyone and I think I might be one of those people.

Its so hard for me to even approach women.  I feel so intimidated.  Most women I see who I might be interested in are holding hands with their partner, so what can I do?  I don't even know how to properly flirt with women or show that I am interested.

I'm stuck and it's so depressing.  I don't think it can be fixed at this point.  I'm too far behind the curve.  Most people my age know what they want or have already found that special someone, and I'm here struggling to even connect with anyone.

Idk what to do anymore.  It's hopeless.  I don't even know why I'm posting on here or if I'm even asking anything.

I'm tired of trying.  There has to be something wrong with me.  Some type of illness or disease that keeps me from being loved.  I'll be alone forever.

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I am in a similar situation, except I've never had an opportunity to go on a date. If you stop trying, then you almost certainly will remain alone. I desperately want love too, and all we can do is continue trying. If this girl said she wanted to go on another date, and you also want to go on another date, why not go on another date? Perhaps you don't believe her because depression has made you accustomed to rejecting accolades.

Talking to people is difficult. If you try, your mind tells you it's a terrible idea and you don't want to do it. The trick is to do it anyway. When I tried, I sounded like a bumbling fool, but at least I communicated my interest.

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I know it's difficult to do the dating thing.  I've went on a few dates some years ago and well those dates didn't turn into anything at all.  And like yourself, I've been single all my life.  :coopcray:  From your story, I don't see what's wrong.  Why did you think the date was bad?  You sound like you found ease in talking to the girl and you went to a few places with her.  The good thing is you tried.  Not all dates will work out and that's a good thing because I've found that for every date or person that didn't work out, you can learn what it is you want or don't want in a partner.  :)  Build on your success.  Your first successful step was going on the date.  Some other things you can try is possibly approaching women, even if it's online dating (mention something in the lady's profile of interest to you as that can make approaching easier & you'll stand out from other men).

Edited by zenzang
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Well the reason why I don't think she's interested is because her body language spoke louder than her words.  She said she had fun and would like to see me again, but she gave me a half hearted hug and she didn't seem that happy or talkative towards the end of the date.  Not only that, but she hasn't initiated any contact since.  I would think if she was interested, she would initiate some form of contact, but she hasn't.  So that's why I feel like she didn't like me, which also leads me to think that there must me something wrong with me.

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Sometimes we can misinterpret signals and the only thing we have to go on is someone's word. She may have really had a good time but maybe her body language is naturally "negative." Also, there's societal pressure for the man to make the move. So she may be waiting for you to initiate contact. It's (quite) possible she's saying to herself, "I gave him a hug and told him I'd like to see him again. Why isn't he calling me?"

There's nothing really wrong with you. I used to feel this way. I felt there must be something wrong with me or else women would be interested in me. I felt that way for a long time. I even felt that way after I was married. But that feeling came from me - from inside me. There wasn't anything wrong with me - except I didn't have any self esteem. So every time I struck out it hurt me badly. As 20years said, you don't really need anyone else to be complete.

Seriously. I wouldn't say this if I didn't actually believe it. You're fine. If you could cultivate your own sense of worth you might feel more confident. In any case you deserve your own love. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

I hope this works out for you.

Peace

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Idk.  I'm still a virgin, so it just makes it all the more awkward for me.  United States is so heavily sexualized it makes me sick.  Sex is shoveled in my face on a daily basis.  I can't get away from it.  It makes me feel that much more inadequate.  Like I'm not a fully developed adult or something, idk.

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2 minutes ago, I need a hero said:

Idk.  I'm still a virgin, so it just makes it all the more awkward for me.  United States is so heavily sexualized it makes me sick.  Sex is shoveled in my face on a daily basis.  I can't get away from it.  It makes me feel that much more inadequate.  Like I'm not a fully developed adult or something, idk.

Oh, man. I've been there. Done that. And after I eventually "became a man" I felt inadequate because I didn't have a long history of lovers like I "was supposed to have." 

It's tough, I know. If you can try to measure yourself by your own standard (whatever that may be) instead of society's standard you might feel better about it. And who really knows if society's standard is even real in the first place. We only really know what society wants through the media. And, of course, sex sells so it's featured prominently in everything from entertainment to news and even the weather. I have a theory that there's some island where they grow perky, attractive meteorologists. But that's another story.

The point is: your experience may not be as "unusual" as you might think. So beating yourself up about it may not be necessary. 

One thing is for sure, though, you'll always strike out unless you "swing the bat." That's the metaphor that got me off my posterior and motivated me to start dating. I had some bad experiences, to be sure. I also found it to be, for lack of a better word, validating to realize that there were women who actually did want to go out with me - even if it was only for one date :smilingteeth:

If you're lonely and you want a girlfriend, then it's probably a good idea to look for one. But you must realize that a relationship won't solve all your problems. It feels fantastic when you start one. But relationships end up being really, really difficult. Even good relationships between loving, mature people can be rocky at times. I think a lot of relationships end up in trouble because people don't expect the awesome early feelings to change.

I hope you can work this out.

Peace

 

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35 minutes ago, I need a hero said:

Idk.  I'm still a virgin, so it just makes it all the more awkward for me.  United States is so heavily sexualized it makes me sick.  Sex is shoveled in my face on a daily basis.  I can't get away from it.  It makes me feel that much more inadequate.  Like I'm not a fully developed adult or something, idk.

Really depends on the kind of woman - not all will make it the main focus or will shun the inexperienced. Furthermore... trouble is ahead if a man only wants sex and nothing else. Not saying my fellow man are all pigs, oh no, but most out there make you and I look bad. Closiness matter A LOT. It just amplifies everything. In the US, there's so many that can't get a good man (and vice versa) that sex is the last thing on thier minds. And with a great person, just doing that with them will feel good. Everything feels new again with the right person, as is learning and trying new things together.

Last but not least.. dont give into pressure and 'get it over with'.

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27 minutes ago, Starsea said:

Oh, man. I've been there. Done that. And after I eventually "became a man" I felt inadequate because I didn't have a long history of lovers like I "was supposed to have." 

Maybe I am just too old fashioned or something.. but what happened to wanting just nurture and take care of the love you have instead of going after a long history of lovers, gaining experiences (and I know you weren't saying that it should be like that, @Starsea)..I know things can go wrong and you have to move on.. but seems that these days it is indeed more about having all those experiences, the more the merrier :dontgetit:  And so many even on this forum feel bad about not having a lot of experience in this area, feeling like they are left out and somehow inadequate without all of that. Just saying it doesn't need to be like that. 

2 hours ago, I need a hero said:

she didn't seem that happy or talkative towards the end of the date.  

I wouldn't make much of the silence part at least, at least without knowing her better. Knowing myself, I might be silent at times and it means nothing negative or that I wouldn't be interested or anything like that. So just saying, it may be easily misinterpreted as something negative even though that wouldn't be the case at all.

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I've been told by women before that men they meet who are virgins are actually a turn on for them, because they know that the guy isn't 'loose' and hasn't been with a whole ton of people. I'm sure it's different for different women, but remember that people are looking for different things. Many women aren't in a relationship for the sex, they're in it for the companionship/romance. I think it would be great if you reached out to her instead of waiting for her to reach out to you - if you're interested in her you need to put the effort in too, and it may even lead to something special.

Edited by Turnt
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14 hours ago, Turnt said:

I've been told by women before that men they meet who are virgins are actually a turn on for them, because they know that the guy isn't 'loose' and hasn't been with a whole ton of people. I'm sure it's different for different women, but remember that people are looking for different things. Many women aren't in a relationship for the sex, they're in it for the companionship/romance. I think it would be great if you reached out to her instead of waiting for her to reach out to you - if you're interested in her you need to put the effort in too, and it may even lead to something special.

My wife said she felt bad about it because she couldn't give me the same gift.

So, yeah. It's not too big a problem - if at all.

Peace

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I've had many such dates where I believed the other girl wasn't that into me even though I enjoyed myself.  First of all, assume you're wrong, maybe she really did enjoy herself and it's just depression talking.

Everyone has issues, even people in relationships.  If only people without issues got into relationships, the human race would be extinct.  Having issues is a fact of life.

I suck at flirting as well.  I also seem to suck at relationships, having lost one recently.  There are alternatives to walking up to strange women in the produce section and online dating.

One of the best way I found was to participate in social activities that I enjoy (very important).  Ideally, one that has women participating as well.  If you don't have any ideas, then try lots of new stuff.  Bonus points if it is somewhat physical as exercise does wonders for the mood as well.

What this will do is get you out there doing stuff that you like to do to increase your life satisfaction.  It will put you in a positive, low-pressure frame of mind to just "chat" with others and expand your social network of friends and acquaintances.  So what you get is you're doing stuff that you enjoy (increasing your happiness), socializing with people (increasing your social skills) and seeing that lots of people do enjoy hanging out with you to reinforce your self-esteem.

This is the best place to be in, mentally, for when you do meet that wonderful future girlfriend.  If there are women in your activity, it also establishes a common interest while sharing experiences creates bonds.  But even guys have sisters, cousins, female friends, female colleagues...  Nothing beats a good "reference".

For me that was dancing.  Some forms of dancing involving close proximity (kizomba) also double as a source of physical contact.  If you think you could enjoy it, I highly suggest it, but in the end, I think that if you participate in an activity "just to meet" women, it will backfire.  You should do it because it makes your life better whether or not you find someone while doing it.

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On 7/22/2016 at 3:20 PM, lonesoul said:

I've had many such dates where I believed the other girl wasn't that into me even though I enjoyed myself.  First of all, assume you're wrong, maybe she really did enjoy herself and it's just depression talking.

Everyone has issues, even people in relationships.  If only people without issues got into relationships, the human race would be extinct.  Having issues is a fact of life.

I suck at flirting as well.  I also seem to suck at relationships, having lost one recently.  There are alternatives to walking up to strange women in the produce section and online dating.

One of the best way I found was to participate in social activities that I enjoy (very important).  Ideally, one that has women participating as well.  If you don't have any ideas, then try lots of new stuff.  Bonus points if it is somewhat physical as exercise does wonders for the mood as well.

What this will do is get you out there doing stuff that you like to do to increase your life satisfaction.  It will put you in a positive, low-pressure frame of mind to just "chat" with others and expand your social network of friends and acquaintances.  So what you get is you're doing stuff that you enjoy (increasing your happiness), socializing with people (increasing your social skills) and seeing that lots of people do enjoy hanging out with you to reinforce your self-esteem.

This is the best place to be in, mentally, for when you do meet that wonderful future girlfriend.  If there are women in your activity, it also establishes a common interest while sharing experiences creates bonds.  But even guys have sisters, cousins, female friends, female colleagues...  Nothing beats a good "reference".

For me that was dancing.  Some forms of dancing involving close proximity (kizomba) also double as a source of physical contact.  If you think you could enjoy it, I highly suggest it, but in the end, I think that if you participate in an activity "just to meet" women, it will backfire.  You should do it because it makes your life better whether or not you find someone while doing it.

This is excellent advice :thumbsup:

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