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Girlfriend says I talk inappropriately with other girls, she suffers from depression, I wanted to get other peoples opinions on a few things.

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So, my girlfriend looked through my cell phone one day when I left it at home one day when I went to work.

She saw messages between me and another girl she did not know (it was my friends gf).

I recently friended this girl on fb, and was just chatting nicely, but I guess I may have been too nice.

Basically, I wanted to share a bit of the conversation. And get peoples take on it. She has depression, and when she gets mad at me she REALLY gets mad and says hurtful things that basically makes me completely shut down and start questioning whether or not she loves me. We have been together for two years, and sure have had our ups and downs.


Conversation between me (me) and my friends gf (gf) from over 5 months ago:

We were talking about how I knew her father (I saw a pic of him)... later to find out I do know him form Boy Scouts.

gf: Go feed the cat before it dies lol

me: I gotta do sumtin first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gf: Here's a random question but do you ever go to church

me: why? before I answer

gf: bc as kids we lived in 'town' and went to church u could have seen him there. like my dad

me: i went as a child, but i was from a different town

gf: right

me: i no longer attend

gf: me either, we only went as kids because we lived with my grandmother at the time who always goes

me: yes, i am not religious

gf: me either, not my bag

me: no offense to all who are (the girl i live with currently) but i feel it is crazy and irational to believe

gf: lol nine taken i agree

gf: none*

me: u german?

gf: my bfn is somewhat religious too and he is the supposedly logical one haha. no lmao

me: well i could go on for ages about religion

gf: yes thats a heavy topic

me: but my gf took it as far as it may actually cause problems in the relationship and she gets angry when the topic is brought up

gf: oh man my bf is not that religious. Of course i dont debate it often with him since its not worth debating over

gf: how long have you two been together

me: meh... since 2014 but friends for 8 years

gf: i see, why meh?

me: nothing, u two?

continues... nothing more that is really worse than what was already said.


Now what bothered my gf to me is simple little things.

#1 she thinks I am flirting with this girl behind her back. Personally I think I am just being nice, and apparently this is how I talk to girls/people

#2 She dislikes how I said "girl I live with" rather than my girlfriend, and also "meh"  The reasons I said meh was because at the time she was mad at me for something else and we were arguing. I said girl I live with just because, i dont know why. I later call her my girlfriend.

#3 insults her religion talking about her behind her back. I have never been religious, she knows this, I have strong points against it, but respect that she is and just never talk about it with her. I do however with other people at times.


Now I apologize for all the detail and sounding like I am anal, but I personally have social anxiety, and I over think things and this is freaking me out. I understand that reading a conversation like this can be a bit scary for her, however I never acted on anything, and honestly, I reread the conversation in full, and think it is innocent, and if anyone disagrees, let me know. My girlfriend thinks it is very sketchy and I was being a pig hitting on her.

The night (two nights ago) she found out she flipped her and start physically attacking my by scratching and hitting. Kept us up kinda late. I eventually got her to calm the f down.

A day goes by where we are fine, she says lets move on.

She then works the next day, after work sees me, we are good, then she goes on vacation with her friend. Apparently they proceeded to discuss this in great detail which got her worked up.

So she calls me last night at midnight, she was hanging with a friend on vacation, I work weekends, and was working in my shop with friends hanging out with me. She starts asking me questions, as well as her friend asking me questions. They are interrogating me. I am unaware of how serious she is being. Thy later need to leave because their friend arrived. I begin to go home. And she begins blowing up my phone with texts. Threatening to message my friend and his gf screen shots of the convo. She did. I freak out cuz of social anxiety. I don't want to be put in a position where I need to explain, " No I was just taking to your gf, she seems like a cool girl, sorry if you got the wrong impression. I ams orry if you are religious at all and me not being religious and calling being religious crazy offends you. But it did offend my gf and I apologize for her overreaction and bringing you into this."

So I get all anxious over this. She begins to text me a ton. I ignore. She calls me, I pick up. Then she goes through the trouble of tearing me apart and putting me down making me feel like to the point where at home i punched a glass picture frame out of anger because she was making me feel so low. It is now 4:30am and I go to bed and wake up at 8am only to deal with her more.

I offered to talk to her regarding all of this in person. Calmly, but she gets so angry and makes me feel so low I have trouble operating (working, sleeping, eating, etc).  


So now I am an abusive controlling a****** who she loves but loves the wrong guy and I am a pig who flirts with girls any time that we have relationship issues.

I don't know what to do, I feel like she causes more drama than necessary. Bringing other people into it. So much anger and hate towards me and others. And I feel a lot of this stems from her own insecurities and depression. How does the conversation sound? Bad? I asked her to explain to me in detail exactly which parts sound inappropriate to her as I feel it was not bad. I see how I may have seemed super nice towards another girl, but I never said anything inappropriate.

I dont know how to proceed. I love this girl and want to stay with her, there are a lot of ups and downs, but when we are doing fine I have so much fun with her. And I love her. How should I deal with my friend? I dont want to draw attention to this yet I feel bad she dragged him in and dont want him to think poorly of me. Honestly he is not my friend, more of my friends brother, but I know him. Just not well.

Edited by SkippyMono
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  • 2 weeks later...

how much more of her abuse are willing to tolerate? man up and tell her that if she doesn't stop her behavior, your done. your only doing yourself more harm by fretting over this. i've always found that being direct works best at least for yourself.

I mean well by this, bud. love and abuse never end well.

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So, while I do the conversation you had was pretty benign, I can kinda see where she's coming from in terms of being upset you were having a conversation with some girl. A lot of people get jealous in relationships (myself included). It usually stems from their own insecurities (myself included).

Disclaimer: I'm not religious so I don't have a particular dog in that fight when I discuss religion and it's place in your guy's relationship. I'm trying to do so as objectively as possible.

The fact that you were having a casual text conversation with someone of the opposite gender can be enough to make someone jealous, whether that's a reasonable response or not is another matter that's probably dependent on a lot of subtext we don't have about your relationship. The fact that you and this girl are both non religious (something you share) while your respective others are religious (something you don't share) can make it seem like an "us vs them" kinda scenario. In a way you're both kinda snickering at your significant others for "crazy and irrational beliefs" behind their backs. I'm sure it's not being done in a way as malicious as that but I'm just trying to give you context in terms of how she might be viewing it. The "girl I live with" and "Meh" sections of the text conversation are simply little digs (as she sees them) that are being added on top of these other perceived slights (sharing a private convo with a potential rival for your affections, discussing something you guys share, inadvertently mocking your significant others, using dismissive terms or phrases when talking about your girlfriend). All these things are adding up to a conversation with a net value of positive interaction between you and the other girl and a net negative between you and your girlfriend. Again, I'm not saying any of this is right... I'm just trying to do my best to explain why she might be having this reaction to your text conversation. On the whole the conversation feels positive for the other girl and negative for her, you know?

That being said... I had to pause when I read:

" The night (two nights ago) she found out she flipped her and start physically attacking my by scratching and hitting. Kept us up kinda late. I eventually got her to calm the f down."

Everything I just said aside, this is where I stopped supporting your gf in this battle at any capacity. This is abuse, you're in an abusive relationship. Whether she's justified in feeling like you were flirting with this girl or not there's really no excuse for a person you love or care about to be causing physical pain to you. It's 100% not healthy and not right. Based solely on this incident my vote would be to dump her and find a healthy relationship. I can abide some jealousy and paranoia... especially when you're dealing with depression... but physically striking the person you love has no excuse in my book.

Anyway, take what I said with a grain of salt as I'm just some bozo on the other end of a computer offering my armchair analysis of your relationship.

I wish you the best

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I can completely understand how her seeing this conversation would upset her. I think most people would be upset by it (if they're sensitive).

'The girl I live with' and the 'meh' implies she is not your girlfriend, casual and is disrespecting to her. And this conversation had been going on behind her back too, so she will justifiably be very hurt.

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