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Recently Broken Up?

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redflbomb,

I think in all relationships there are characteristics that we don't won't always find favorable in each other, but should these be reasons to hurt each other so frequently or always bring up the aspects we don't like, which is such a terribly cruel thing to do? It's like bullying, or kicking us when we already don't like some part of who we are, and they know this, so they play on it. If you didn't like who you were, then you weren't being yourself, and in a strong relationship you must be true to who you are first, and only then can you share yourself with someone else. If they don't like who you are, then let them go. No one is perfect, but when we love someone we accept the good and the bad of who and what they are.

Sincerely,

MaddieLouise

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Just broke up. Going out for 10 months. May not seem like much but we spent a lot of time together. I got a DUI recently and fell into a depression and I don't think she could deal with it. A really sad situation because I really did love her, and think she loved me. I know it's my fault, just hope I can recover from this. Aside from the $$$ the DUI will cost the loss of companionship is tough to deal with. We spent every weekend together. I miss her so much.

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Hi Taxel,

So sorry to hear about the DUI, and the expenses are a pretty tough reality check/punishment for this incident, aren't they? If you are drinking excessively, maybe this is a sign of possible depression that was going on before the DUI, but the incident just made it worsen. Have you seen anyone about this possibility?

It's hard for many partners to deal with depression in their mate. She's likely never seen you like this, and the DUI might have also upset her. You can recover from this, but you may need outside help from a professional. Maybe once she realizes you are getting help, she will be more willing to see your perspective. She likely would like to see you help yourself, which takes a lot of strength, but waiting and wishing for her to return isn't going to get it done.

I hope things work out.

Sincerely,

MaddieLouise

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Not that I want to argue the points made in this book, if it makes you feel better and heal faster, great! I'm sure it's a great read, and I admit I have not read it. But from what I read here, that one small section of the book, I can't help but think about what makes a relationship work. Do we not compromise with our partners in order for us both to be happy? Do we not all have good and bad moments that we are not so proud of? Ppl leave each other so quickly these days and marriages just don't last anymore. My parents have had many many ups and downs and have grown apart in the things they both enjoy but they are still so very much in love and have been together for over 48 years, married for 43. Have they had problems? Of course, but they have worked through them and still have respect for each other. Of course, as far as I know, neither of them has violated any of the "list". I guess what I'm trying to say is, no relationship is perfect and we should never tolerate abuse but when did it become so easy to walk away? I may be idolizing my ex by explaining away his bad behavior but out of that list, he scored pretty well. The worse thing on the list that my ex was guilty of was the disappearing and yes that was bad but according the all the "depression" information, that's common from those suffering from the illness. He did also become rude when he got angry with me, but heck, so did I. Did we have an all out yell fest, calling each other a bunch of names? Never. He thinks we argued all the time, he used to say that he hated to argue and thought that I must love it. All I tried to do was have a conversation about something more "serious" and he would say it was arguing. All I wanted was to discuss our issues and get them aired out so we could move past them rather than sweep them under the rug to deal with later. Our communication was lacking because he would just get angry anytime I'd disagree or get upset over his lack of emotion. It made me want to run at times, but I stayed because I truly liked the man and loved him enough to endure our differences.

It may be a coping mechanism to remember all the good times and make excuses for my ex, but I really do, deep down, feel that my ex was a great guy, until he became depressed. Yes, maybe someday I will discover differently but until then I stand by my feelings for him. Do I have my love blinders on? Maybe, but I know how much of an arse he was at times. My family knows all too well too because I don't sugercoat much. I know that I wondered if I should end it because of this or that. I didn't because I thought it would be cruel to him and myself to walk away just because we had a bad night. Are we not supposed to take the bad with the good? Of course, if I just want to get over my ex and move on as quickly as I can, I guess it would be best to focus on what a total arse he was at the end... I don't know, I just know that I would hate if that's all he thought about me right now. I would rather look back and remember what he taught me and how much he did bring to my life. He made me realize that I was capable of loving again, when I once thought I would never nor would I be loved ever again. When he held me in his arms for the first time, I can only describe the feeling as, coming home. I felt safe and secure for the first time in my life. That's not easy to move on from, even if I would only focus on the "jerk" he has become.

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My relationship and break up were a little different. I was in a polyamorous relationship, dating a couple and dating another woman. We all were honest from the start, knew each other well, and were okay with the situation. They all broke up with me in the same day, without warning. The couple, I was very concerned about coming between them from the start, so I checked with them often to make sure that I wasn't spending too much time with them, that I was encroaching on their relationship. We said that we would communicate and be honest, and they told me how much they loved me and how they missed me when I wasn't around.

And then one morning before work they sat me down and told me that they had trouble in their relationship because of the threesome -- pointing out that the trouble was nothing I had done -- and that they needed to end it. And they knew for weeks. And instead of talking to me, they reassured me. And then broke up with me. I wish they had talked to me. If they had, it might still have ended the same way, but we might have been able to work things out.

The other girl dumped me while I was in the ER because this breakup earlier that day was just the last straw for me. I'm not quite so upset about losing her. We were having problems, and she was the kind of teaser that goes past fun to disrespectful because she won't let whatever she's teasing you about go. I am pretty angry about her timing. She has been easier to move on from.

Even the man I was dating is a little easier to move on from. He hurt me so badly that morning. I'm still not over it, especially the memory of him pushing me away when I went to give him a hug and a kiss. He was also kind of jerk when I talked to him a week later. I think he was defensive and that's why he was a jerk, but he was still a jerk.

Losing the girl in the couple has been the hardest. We were friends for over a year before we started dating. And she told me that if I needed her, I could still call and text her. And when I needed someone so badly this weekend that I did text her, she never got back to me. I even sent her another text asking her to let me know if she never wanted to talk to me again so that I could let her go. But she didn't. And I know that silence is her answer. I know that. But it's just one more betrayal. I just want an answer of if I should give her up as a friend, and I think I deserve that.

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The silence is the most hurtful, disrespectful part of a break up. Whether it's their coping mechanism or not, when you are over a certain age, you should be able to act like an adult and take some responsibility for the pain that you cause someone. Who cares if you have to give 5 more minutes of your life to help the person you once loved, doesn't the months or years you spent together deserve closure? When I left my ex, after he told me that his feelings have changed, I asked him if I could check in with him to see how he was doing, he said yes. Do you think he text me back? Nope.

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This is a good thread. But it doesnt really cover my breakup. We broke up simply because we're halfway across the world most of the time and she couldn't handle the pain of me not being right next to her. We're still pretty crazy about each other, just not together. And I dont see how we can be, because there's no way to close the distance unless we were to get married (kinda have to be together to do that).

And with things this way, I know eventually she's gunna meet somebody else, because I dont expect her to be single for life if she cant wait for me. And that's just gunna suck even move because then we wont be together, but also then we obviously couldnt be as close as we are now (we're inseparable even though we're not together). Love sucks.

Hey mate, finally found someone close to my situation as well, though not quite.

My ex and I were going on 2 years and things were awesome. However, she headed home to Ireland for Christmas. While there she must have had a really great time because with in days of coming back she said she was too homesick to stay away. Its been a very tough 6 months. 3 of those she was still here - organising herself to leave. I guess that whole time I thought she would change her mind. Obviously it didnt happen. I tried to come up with alternative scenarios where we could still be together but nothing could be agreed on and as such it ended.

I now find it difficult to be happy in daily activities. I struggle with loneliness and sadness. I can really relate with what you are saying about the fear of her finding someone else. Maybe it is my selfishness, but even as it is over, I hope she doesnt find someone else. Most likely though, is because I have struggled to move on.

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I wish it were so easy to get over it in a few hours, days, weeks, but it isn't. It's been a month for me, and I'm still in the slums. This helped to affirm why the two of us don't need to be together. The hardest part for me has been getting back any kind of self-esteem I had, and trying to move on. I haven't been able to do that consistently ever since.

Thank you for that. It's been 3 weeks and I can barely move. My life wasn't smooth before he came and all the same problems are there without the support.

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My ex was nice. I just plain hate him until now because he hurt my feeling by dumping me. It cost me additional 6 months of 50 mg ofZoloft, lost appetite for a month and crying and sufferring panic attack.

My boyfriend doesn't know whether he loves me anymore- some days he does and others he doesn;t. It's driving me crazy especially since having depression is hard enough. I want to stay with him because I can't face coping with a break up and depression but going through the day to day uncertainties with him is also so hard! We've only been together when I've been unwell..and I always hoped he'd get to know the real happy me but now it seems like because I didn't get well fast enough he's dumping me...

Can anyone offer some nice advice or support please?

Im in the same boat with my girlfriend. I love her dearly and part of me wants this to work but since she told me that she doesnt even know what she wants to do with our relationship, I dont know if I want to allow myself to hurt anymore if a few day weeks or months down the road she does this again. Im so stressed with our relationship now. We have good talks were things feel good then we fall apart because I wanna know how things are. I wish I knew what to do.

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Andrew5000,

You mentioned having good talks and things going well, and then it will get worse because you want to know how things are going? Does she get angry when you ask a caring question like this? I have trouble understanding why you would continue to take such abuse. I know you are in pain and love her, but if she cannot reciprocate, then please try to move on. You sound way too good to be treated so poorly.

Sincerely,

MaddieLouise

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My name is Bill. I separated from my wife in late June. It has come to the point where she has left me and will no longer be in my life in a romantic way. She will divorce me. It's only a matter of time. The emotional pain I'm in is not describable. I have had suicidal thoughts thoughts but I have a daughter (she's 14) from a previous relationship and I would not put her through that. I can't remember the last day that I haven't cried. I started seeing a psychologist 3 weeks ago. My physician has prescribed Lexapro and Ativan. They're not helping much. I sleep for maybe 3 hours at a time. I work security at nights at an upper scale retirement community so luckily I don't have much interaction with people because on more than one occasion I've broke down at work and had to find a restroom to lock myself in cry. I was married 7 years, have known her for almost 11. I'm 40 years old thus 1/4 of my life I have devoted to this relationship.



The memories are inescapable. I can't go anywhere or do anything without thinking, "this is where Lesa and I....". Friends and family suggest that I'm better off now. But I can't see it. I can only see her beautiful face. Even knowing the relationship was not good I miss her. To say that I miss her does not do my emotions justice. My chest caves in then the waves of despair wash over me, my brow aches from the pain of weeping. My dreams are shattered, my future gone to be replaced by what? Constant pain? Constant emptiness? I joined a divorce care support group at a local church but I have no hope, no faith, least of all in God. The vows I made to her were from my very heart and soul; love and cherish her, be faithful to her, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, for the rest of my life. I am unable to break those vows. I have no desire to break those vows. I am utterly lost and alone.



They say time heals everything. I don't believe the human life span is long enough to heal the grievous wound my heart has suffered.


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[The memories are inescapable. I can't go anywhere or do anything without thinking, "this is where Lesa and I....". Friends and family suggest that I'm better off now. But I can't see it. I can only see her beautiful face. Even knowing the relationship was not good I miss her. To say that I miss her does not do my emotions justice. My chest caves in then the waves of despair wash over me, my brow aches from the pain of weeping. My dreams are shattered, my future gone to be replaced by what? Constant pain? Constant emptiness? I joined a divorce care support group at a local church but I have no hope, no faith, least of all in God. The vows I made to her were from my very heart and soul; love and cherish her, be faithful to her, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, for the rest of my life. I am unable to break those vows. I have no desire to break those vows. I am utterly lost and alone.

They say time heals everything. I don't believe the human life span is long enough to heal the grievous wound my heart has suffered.]

Bill,

I feel your pain sir...i just came out of a 40+ yr case of un-diagnosed Dysthymia, and now that I am all better due to Wellbutrin & therapy, she says that "she needs her space" via a seperation...Like you, I have textbook symptoms of a broken heart...painful at it's best, Insurmountable at its worst. I too have been told that I will feel better & that my future is not destroyed...at this juncture, I just cannot believe that (though I am sure that they are correct). All we can do sir, is to "Soldier-On", one foot in front of the other, while we wait for time & distance do their thing towards our healing. I wish you the best, and hope that we can both take solace knowing that we are not alone in this day to day struggle - CD

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They say time heals everything. I don't believe the human life span is long enough to heal the grievous wound my heart has suffered.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy

The good news is eventually things will be better again. The unfortunate thing is things will suck again. People might say I'm pessimistic for saying that but even if you meet another woman, who is the most amazing woman you've ever met, you'll lose her one way or another even if its to old age. Let your loss be a reminder to make the most of the time that you have when the pendulum swings the other way. My heart goes out to you.

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Good advice, but I'm having trouble putting it into practice.

I recently broke up because I ran out of ideas on how to keep communication open and solve problems. For lack of a better term, he wasn't very forward and it was often up to me to progress the relationship, settle issues, or smooth things out after a conflict. We live far enough away from each other that it was almost like long-distance, and we spent more time on Skype than in person to save time and money.

One day I got a new job which required me to get up early, so the late nights online had to end. I asked if he could show up an hour or two earlier so that I didn't have to choose between him and sleep, and he dragged his feet, showed up late, or didn't show up at all. He'd refuse to tell me what it was he was doing in his evenings after work that couldn't be put aside for an hour or two or talk to me about it, and I became paranoid that there were other women.

Part of me is fixated on how crummy of a girlfriend I must be to be so easily walled out and let go.

Edited by Licorice

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Licorice, You cannot shoulder the burden...it is all on him. I can speak to this because I was the "HIM" in my marriage's collapse. I had Dysthymia the entire time we were romantically married, but the un-diagnosed Depression made me into your guy. Wifey had to carry the weight of almost everything, because I was "absent" from living a joyful, engaged, mutually satisfying life together. Just last week (after almost 30 yrs), she told me that she needed her space & that a seperation was what she wanted.... Don't blame yourself, you did what you could - CD

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Gosh.. i miss my girlfriend so much. She was my first love and I still love her... To be honest.. we didn't break up because of bad things.. She just wasn't sure of her sexuality.. and she said she loved me too much as a friend to fake feeling of attraction.. she felt that she didn't rele like girls and she thought it was cruel and wrong to pretend. I was the first girl she ever liked in that way. She's still my closest friend who I can be totally honest and open with, she knows how I feel about her. I just.. I'm missing the days we had when we were a couple.. I felt on top of the world and happy. The happiest I've ever been in a long while. I'm trying to move on but its just so hard.. I felt it was so perfect.. me and her...

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I recently did a divorce. She was completely out of control and I had to draw the line. Not feeling well but in time it will be history. I will just leave it at that.

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I love Greg and his wife! They speak the truth but in such a humorous way that even if we don't want to believe them just quite yet, we enjoy taking a peek at the truth. :Coopwink: And it does help to know that we're not alone in our confusion, our pain, and our ill-considered coping mechanisms. We've all been there, but we don't have to keep going back.

KA

I agree with you :)

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I've been in an on again, off again relationship for almost 4 years. I know deep down in my heart, despite all the bs, we are meant to be together. When we broke up last Jan, he moved down to Texas (I'm in New York) and got his life together. That was the main reason we broke up; he wasn't doing anything with his life. Looking back, I realize I was just as bad, I just didn't want to admit it. Well, now he's in Texas, he has an amazing job that pays well, he just bought a house, and he seems to be loving life. We got back together in November because we realize we are meant for each other. I still wonder why. I'm incredibly insecure and questioned why he would end his relationship in TX to be with me again who still hasn't gotten her life together. I'm trying, but I've barely made an improvement in comparison to him. We were doing great until about a month ago. Because of my insecurities, and the fact that I haven't seen him in over a year, I started having mini freak outs. I'd assume the worst, like he was cheating on me because why not?, even though there was no validity to my assumptions. I would change his passwords to his email and Facebook accounts so I could read all of his messages to find out if he was. Then I would assume that inviting his friends to come visit him automatically meant he wanted to sleep with them. I'd start a fight, we'd "break up", I'd beg him to forgive me, he would and then we'd be ok for another day or so. Then it would happen all over again. Every time this happened I felt almost like my body was just taking over. Like I knew what I was doing was wrong and insane, but I'd do it anyways. I couldn't stop myself. (It recently occurred to me it might be the meds I'm on, and I have an apt. to talk with my doctor about it....) Now we are "broken up" again. I'm not sure if we are officially, or if he just needs some time to process his feelings. My telling him I'm sorry doesn't mean anything to him anymore. And I don't blame him. I wouldn't believe me if I were him, since pattern suggests I won't change my ways. I have no idea how to prove to him how terrible I feel about breaking his heart over and over again. I try telling him, but he doesn't want to hear it. He's the kind of person that processes things on his own, while I need to talk about it with him. So, needless to say, it's ******* me that he won't talk to me. I keep texting, and calling, and emailing, and he won't respond. I know it makes him more upset when I do that, but I can't help myself. I'm desperate. We were talking about me moving down there and us starting family together. I know he's never fully forgiven me for terminating my pregnancy two years ago, and I thoroughly regret it as well. I think that's kind of when it started to get really bad. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have the urge to just pack up my things, and catch the next plane to Texas to see him, even though there's no guarantee he'd talk to me and I'd be leaving my two girls (cats) behind with my parents. I only have enough money right now for a one way ticket anyways. I'm so desperate to make things work with him, because I know we are meant to be together. But, I have no idea how to show him. Telling him doesn't work anymore. I don't know what to do.

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Hi snoflake,

I'm no relationship expert ( is anyone, really? ) but maybe take a little time before you go there. I know it's hard. Let him process, and you keep talking, even if it's to us. Think about what you really want. You want to be with him-- write down why. All the pros and cons of the relationship. Don't freak about the list, put it away if you need to. It might help you make some decisions.

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My entire adult life and it still keeps me up at night. No matter how much of the world I conquer the void, oh the void.

Long ago accepted the loss, and if not for my family and the need to provide I wouldn't know the point of living. At least there's the Lord sigh.

Edited by AmazingK

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I stumbled upon this article that offers a few small tips for healing after a breakup.

http://lifehacker.com/change-your-ringtone-to-get-over-a-breakup-faster-1529725492

The gist of it is that we are adept at associating sounds, smells and sights to situations. The less you have to remind you of that person, the faster you'll heal.

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idk what to say. my boyfriend and I really did have a perfect relationship. that's why it was such a shock when he called and broke up with me completely out of the blue. no explanation, nothing. he told me he didn't want to talk to me, or see me, he would "rather just forget" me. I have no idea what I did to make him change so suddenly. I know he loved me. so how can I mean the world to some one one minute, and within 2 weeks, they not even care enough to ask if im ok when I was hospitalized for the effects of a prolonged asthma attack? how can he go from loving me to nothing in such a short time? my depression has got worse since he left and I don't know how to cope on my own. im at the point where Im seriously considering leaving school. I just can handle it anymore.

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idk what to say. my boyfriend and I really did have a perfect relationship. that's why it was such a shock when he called and broke up with me completely out of the blue. no explanation, nothing. he told me he didn't want to talk to me, or see me, he would "rather just forget" me. I have no idea what I did to make him change so suddenly. I know he loved me. so how can I mean the world to some one one minute, and within 2 weeks, they not even care enough to ask if im ok when I was hospitalized for the effects of a prolonged asthma attack? how can he go from loving me to nothing in such a short time? my depression has got worse since he left and I don't know how to cope on my own. im at the point where Im seriously considering leaving school. I just can handle it anymore.

I used to be a guy who didn't express his thoughts and feelings very much. When I broke up with my ex, I had been thinking about it for a while, but I didn't want to worry her or hurt her until I was sure. So it might not have been that sudden for him.

But that's how feelings are... changing. When we find something good, we all hope it will never stop, but change is an inevitable part of life. It makes it that much more important to fully enjoy the present moment when every second of a good thing could be its last.

Don't leave school, the worst you can do is have too much free time to think about it. It's better to keep going about your life even if you're heavily distracted by this loss and are having a hard time concentrating than moping around your house and further digging yourself into a dark place...

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djepicurus, your post really hit home. I have used pan in the past, and the last relationship (ended 5 days ago after 5 years) 2 years a horse chucked me and i broke my wrist, its been operation, physio, operation, if i wasnt a short tempered irratic mess in pain, the morphine, diazapam, and codine sure didn't help me be any less but pan did a bit, but i was such a head haz mess i forget how uncaring, lithargic and everyhting else i was, and i no longer know if it was the pain, the meds, the circumstance, the pan, the girl telling me i was useless and could do more, my girl resented my disabiltiy but guilt tripped me on that horse. For 3 years before it i was so happy, we got engaged, did holidays to cornwall, and were always smiley and jokey when at ease and supportive when needed. For 2 years i had to live at my parents, and as she finally got work near me, moved in. hated it here, she wanted out to a place, but she loves to spend money, all her paycheques disappeared and i was on benefits, but she still pushed and all i wanted was to ride through the operations (the lastest ironically is probably the last where they metal plated my arm) to be the best i could, or we'd live extremelypoorly in some place, but she couldn't hold on, she grew confidence, got friends, and was offered to become a manger, while i was stuck at home in pain from driving her to work. It all end nasty with headgames and her chating to other guys but telling me to ot worry, and it was hard to think straight fresh out of a cast. Either way, i'm left thinking about those first 3 years, they circle my mind, and even if i think solutions it circles to dissect those thoughts or disregard them. i am now in the deep countryside, not insured to drive or work, cannot return to my old careers, and unsure what to do with myself, she was horrible to and about me for something out of my control, but yet thats not enough, and the what ifs continue, she was the first person i'd ever wanted to marry, and cared for so muh i pushed aside my own life in many circumstances and she had a lot of physical and mental problems for the first 3 years, it was hard to see them not returned when i need them for less time :P i should hate her, but i miss her and knowing what we had i know shall haunt me more than what we both became

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