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  • 3 months later...

Honestly it's been like 6months or so since my breakup and some days it's still like it happened yesterday. We were together 2yrs and half of it ended up in fights and a long road of revisiting my depression. I became someone I wasn't. I became clingy, had poor short term memory, worried about the smallest things. My ocd became rampant and I drove her away with petty lies. 

But we're still close friends. Still see each other and I'm still apart of her and her 3 kids lives. I'm still there for her in every way I can be because I care about her more than anyone can imagine. But I'm still in love with her even after multiple times of her saying we are just friends and nothing more. I feel like there's something wrong with me. 

I am still able to get up everyday and live life. But it becomes hard when I miss being her guy, the one she loves. Like I said I've come a long way since day one of not eating, crying all the time, sleeping all the time and taking almost a year off of work on disability. I'm now back to work a month or so in and doing pretty well. But days like today (since I signed up just to vent) is so hard. I know I have to move on but I've made the mistake in the past of overlapping a new woman in my life with the old one I had a hard time getting over. I don't want to make that mistake again. But I'm still having trouble getting over her. 

Am I being stupid? Am I just just causing myself unessesary stress? Why can't I just let go? This is brutal.. 

I don't know how I can out myself out there again knowing I still love her and want to be with her. I get upset when she talks about other guy friends and make up stupid things in my head like she's dating someone or has slept with some guy. Man.. I just feel ridiculous. 

How does this get better? I feel like I'm stuck and just want life to move forward and bring happier times. 

:(

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  • 5 weeks later...

Hi all

i can relate to a lot of what is being said here. I was friends for awhile with this girl before we started a relationship and it was great to begin with. But a month or so she started getting distant and withdrawn. I would ask her if she was ok but would reply I don't know what's going on with me.

Then she said let's just be friends I need to heel myself and cannot commit to anything right now. So I decided to back off and be supportive and she was happy with that. Then she opened up about her issues with depression and she just had no drive for anything anymore. 

Then she started to ask me not to text her so much because she wanted to breathe and even though what I was asking was if she was ok there was no need for it. Then two days we where meant to meet up and go out she bailed on me again and said she would explain later. 

So I waited all day and got no answers. So I sent a message then I got the dreaded message back saying I was smothering her because I sent two messages in two days. Also because I was on whatsapp she excuse me of following her even though I was talking to a mate there. 

So she ended up saying I was being obsessive and blocked me. All I was ever doing was trying to be supportive and help. The last thing she said was I caused this and wish me a good life before saying goodbye. It's been two days but still struggling with how I was the bad guy in any of this. 

Now just feeling sad because for the most part we got on great and could laugh and talk about anything. I hope she gets back in contact but I don't know if it will happen. 

John

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@cj1981uk WOW, that is just brutal. I would say don't blame yourself, but that's much easier said than done, especially when she seems to be blaming you!!!!!! I really don't think it was your "fault" though, and when relationships fail, sometimes it's nobody's fault, it's just the two people are really not compatible or interested in each other in the same way. Now I totally understand the want to blame, because I was always determined not to be "the bad guy," I almost saw it as a trial where a judge and jury would determine who was right and who was wrong, and I may be heartbroken because someone I cared for just dumped me and lost interest in me, but at least I was "right". Also I am very aware of my own weaknesses, such as a tendency to be needy, clingy, or pushy, so I always have to make an effort NOT to do those things. And if somebody dumped me and accused me of being too needy, I would be horrified!

And in your situation, it doesn't sound like you were "smothering" at all. Two texts in two days is not smothering at all. I am sorry she used those words to describe you. I would not put any stock in that whatsoever. Of course, when she mentions her experience with depression, you might think, "well I have an experience with that too (well, I am just assuming that because of you reading this forum!), so maybe I can understand you better than someone who hasn't gone through this." Which is probably true!

This is a terrible situation, but really the best you can do is leave her alone and know that you weren't "the bad guy" and that it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. I completely understand how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to be frozen out like this. It's an extreme pain and it has strengthened my resolve to never treat anybody else like that. Breakups are never easy, but there is always a better way to handle it than this. Unfortunately, she does not seem willing or able to even communicate, which just makes everything all the more painful and difficult. Just remember you didn't do anything wrong, and that she closed the door, not you, and that only she can open that door again. You sound like a caring person and deserve someone who is willing to treat you with a lot more respect!

Good luck and feel free to post any updates!

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Thanks I read that post and it did help.

i tried to call today to try and sort out the misunderstandings because before she started getting down she was a really nice fun loving person. So I hope deep down that is still there enough that we can at least talk like adults. But she has blocked my number. 

i guess I may asked how she was doing too many times and she keep saying she felt pressured to talk to me. I would never force anyone to do anything they didn't want to and up until Thursday she kept telling me I know you mean well. But Saturday was cold and she blocked before I even had a chance to reply. 

I wish her no ill at all and hope she does heal herself but I only ever was trying to help. She even excused me of wanting more then the friendship I gave but I would not use emotions like that, all I wanted was to get her out the house and trying to cheer her up.

i could email her but I thought it might be best to give some space first. I just don't want to annoy her further but don't want to loose a good friend.

John

 

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Well 5 days have passed and no contact but I hope she is doing ok. For me I fighting to keep my head above water, I go from being ok to being low and feeling awful. I know time is a healer but it's hard to pick yourself up for things when inside your struggling. It's been over a week since she blocked me and I now believe I won't ever the answers about why or hear from her again. 

Starting next month I am going to do all I can to just move on because I have to. I need to stop over thinking things and try if possible to relax, I know I am not a bad person and won't take the rejection personally. I just need to get back out into the world and be the person i know I am. 

John

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  • 2 months later...
On 10/31/2016 at 5:37 AM, cj1981uk said:

Well 5 days have passed and no contact but I hope she is doing ok. For me I fighting to keep my head above water, I go from being ok to being low and feeling awful. I know time is a healer but it's hard to pick yourself up for things when inside your struggling. It's been over a week since she blocked me and I now believe I won't ever the answers about why or hear from her again. 

Starting next month I am going to do all I can to just move on because I have to. I need to stop over thinking things and try if possible to relax, I know I am not a bad person and won't take the rejection personally. I just need to get back out into the world and be the person i know I am. 

John

 

Man, that's tough. Everything is gonna be ok eventually. Sometimes it seems like you can't live without her/him but it is just not true. At all. The only person you can't live without is you. 

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In my case, I was not broken up with, I broke up with him.  It has been 8 months and I think within the last 2 months have I just no realized that I am single. Kinda like the realization hit me. We're not together anymore and I spent 6 1/2 years of my life with him.  It was definitely for the best though. 

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  • 3 months later...

I have found it helpful to keep reminding myself that no matter how good a person is / was, or how good you were together, not ALL things were good, or you would still be together.

When you no longer have no deal with the bad aspects of being with someone, it can be hard not to ONLY remember the good, and so of course it skews your perception a bit.

Also, no matter what, someone leaving you does NOT reflect on your value as a person and does not change who YOU are. Look at anyone in the street. They could have just been broken up with too, no matter what they appear like. Do you feel like they're inferior or less of a good person? Nope! 

Another thing that helps is to remember that you can never REALLY get complete closure from another person. No matter how many times you discuss whatever it is with them, their answer will not change. The story will not change.

And no matter how much you stalk them online or try and see how they're feeling or if they're still thinking about you, that kind of passive seeking of reassurance is actually more damaging as all it's doing is you interpreting a one sided, indirect nothing from someone you are not intimate with anymore.

Lastly, what helped me is realising that nobody can control how they feel. They can only control how they express those feelings. If you have been left by a partner, they cannot help how they feel any more than you can.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I was left for another women who was younger and I am serious crushed.

Why is it that people are all about looks and what other people think?

I NEVER pick friends or boyfriends by how they look or if my friends think they look ok.

I want someone with a heart and soul - the inner is what interests me.

What is wrong with the people today who think relationships are like changing a trash bag?

I guess I am old school like my parents who promised to be together for ever and took that promise seriously.

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  • 1 month later...
On Saturday, July 07, 2007 at 0:23 PM, getoutmylife said:

My boyfriend doesn't know whether he loves me anymore- some days he does and others he doesn;t. It's driving me crazy especially since having depression is hard enough. I want to stay with him because I can't face coping with a break up and depression but going through the day to day uncertainties with him is also so hard! We've only been together when I've been unwell..and I always hoped he'd get to know the real happy me but now it seems like because I didn't get well fast enough he's dumping me...

Can anyone offer some nice advice or support please?

Getoutmylife, I feel your pain, because I too have depression and just got hit with my girlfriend of over 5 years breaking up with me.  The fact that I have depression and she either did not know how to deal with it, or got tired of waiting for me to get over it - which may not ever happen - whatever the reason, I have been a basket case for the past day and a half. In the past eight years I have had to deal with the loss of 4 family members, and it was shortly after I lost my only sibling that things slowly started to change. Funny the things you think about after it's too late...

 

Anyway, my hope for you is that you have a strong support system, and my advice for you is if he can't love you as you are then you are better off without him. If you ever need to talk, misery loves company...

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Hi,

I am new on here, have read posts a few times over the last few weeks before deciding to write myself. I just need somewhere to offload to. My boyfriend of 3 and a half years, who I lived with, broke up with me 5 weeks ago. It came completely out of the blue to me and has been a huge shock. We were getting along great, both affectionate and loving to each other, loads of plans for the future and even earlier on the day my partner broke up with me, he was still talking about plans - suggesting we get concert tickets and also a business idea we had talked about a few times, both coming from him. There's a lot of background as I'd say we've been through a fair bit together. Before we lived together he got really down one night and told me over text message that he had a problem with binge eating that he'd struggled with as long as he can remember, and never told anyone before. I drove straight to his house and we talked about it, I reassured him I didn't think any differently of him other than that I felt sorry he'd struggled alone for so long. He said though he'd love to get help he couldn't bear the thought of talking about it. He would talk to me about it sometimes and I looked up some stuff on the internet but he wasn't ready to go any further and I didn't want to push him. I moved in, he went through a big operation on his leg which meant I looked after him for a few weeks. Everything was great other than his eating disorder was up and down so his weight would go up and down too which really bothered him. The following year we suffered a major flood and had to move in with our parents for 6 months. That was really hard and we both got really down at times, we didn't have any real privacy and were exhausted from spending every minute around work, doing up the house. We got moved back in and he told me how grateful he was that he'd had me as he wouldn't have survived the last few months without me. We've always had lots of shared interests and done a lot of trips and adventures together, everyone has always commented on how compatible we are, really made each other laugh and enjoyed each other's company. A few times I wondered if he might have depression as he'd have times where he'd withdraw into himself, be distant and worry or become irritated about things more easily. Usually external things or himself rather than directed at me. He'd be really hard on himself too. I didn't want to broach it with him in case I was interfering or seemed critical of him. Then later in the year we were away with friends, he'd been distant and moody for a couple of weeks and just not himself. I ended up seeing messages on his phone to a girl he worked with. Going back about 3 weeks, starting off friendly then a bit flirty, then a couple of sexts. I was horrified and heartbroken. I confronted him, he assured me nothing had ever happened other than the messages.I left for a few days. He got in touch saying he couldn't believe what he'd done, didn't want to lose me, would do anything to win my trust again, wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together. We talked everything through and decided we had a really good thing and wanted to be together. I said he hadn't to have any interaction with the girl other than essential work contact. He did what I asked and we seemed to be getting past it. I still felt insecure but made a conscious effort not to keep bringing it up, only when I felt something was really bothering me and I needed to discuss it. I was upset to realise they had a work group message chat which she was also part  of so were still interacting. I talked to him and he left the group chat. About a month later, his mood was up and down again but things between us seemed good. I was away for a night and when I got back he told me he'd been thinking about chickening himself, had a plan, didn't want help was just telling me so it wasn't a shock. Said he'd gone through periods of it before we were together. I managed to persuade him to see a doctor and they referred him for counselling

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  • 2 weeks later...

I broke up with my first bf around this time last year. I was close to chickening myself. I had moved to LA for him, we were going to get married so i followed him, giving up my job and family behind. But my OCD got the better of me and kept questioning his past and he ended up breaking up with me and cheating on me. (well that before) I remember, the following month or two was absolute H E L L . I still have many scars that are sore when I think back to that time. Ever since him, I haven't been really able to fully trust guys or give easily into dating. 

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My ex fiancée of nine years dumped me about 3 or 4 months ago (no infidelity on either side). Third Summer in a row she dumped me. I have to stay in my Mom's flat as she made me homeless. I couldn't finish my post graduate degree as I was so depressed.

I've decided today to have zero contact as when we try to be friends we always end up arguing. Also I feel zero contact is the only way I can move on. I'd end up going insane from all the pain otherwise.

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On 17/08/2007 at 10:47 PM, Guest Dark2Light said:

7 months ago when a lot of things went wrong with me but overall i would say it was the depression.. i lost a lady, who was a soulmate, we knew each others voices from the start etc etc.

after about a month of becoming depressed, and me pulling away (to my current state of hardly leaving the house etc), and her living interstate she just decided that i was a bad person. period. a person who is cold. knowing that im spiritual she even called me 'dark'.

i couldn't help the lack of interest in things, and tiredness. i am a believer in personal power and the power of the mind, but this breakup among many other things that have been affected, i am still yet to understand.

i was never given a chance to show i am not a bad person, i got depressed, is true, i am not bad, if i were bad i would choose that and accept it and do things towards it, but i don't. i was completely misrepresented by circumstances, and some people plain don't want to deal with depression (neither do i). i so would love to find someone to soften the blow of feeling so aweful all the time, i would say straight out to them that this is the case.. just taking the step of dating, whether online or otherwise, with hope. Each and every lady who broke up with me went straight to the support of another relationship, and threw attacks at me from that comfort zone, while i suffered from depression. each time i have eventually found my way out. i'm not perfect, but i know they love to pick out what is wrong with me (after breaking up) to feel better about themselves.

one time while my liver was failing a few years ago, a partner (at the same time as visiting one day, and giving me a hug which made me feel love for the entire day), threw attacks at me and broke up with me, and basically said "die, i only need to take care of me, all you do is talk about YOUR health"

i am very empathic, and am not like my uncle who would tell me to laugh at such things and turn cold like her.

If you are unable to cope up with the situation, talk to a counselor.

Edited by Waffles
Removed external link IAW DF TOS.
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I think I'm about to be dumped. It's been a long time. But I don't know what to do anymore. She used to want to spend all her time with me. It was actually alarming and took some getting used to. But eventually she got me on board. She wanted to move in with me and eventually move away with me. We made plans. It lasted two days after her moving in and she had a realization that it wasn't what she wanted because she wanted to remain in her living situation.

 

Now, she rarely has time for me. Over and over, she'll tell me she's on her way over, and I won't hear from her for seven hours, even though we had plans. We argue all the time about it because it hurts me, and she doesn't want to argue about it anymore, even though she continues to do it, so I'm not allowed to mention it. We have little in common, but the few things we share are great. Or used to be. Now I just feel like a burden to her. She tells me I'm being controlling if I get upset that she doesn't bother to text me when she's several hours late.

 

This is no way to be treated. No normal person would allow it. But I'm starting to realize that I put up with it because I know if I don't, I'll be completely alone again. I'm no good at relationships, and was alone for a very long time before this (somehow she approached me), and I know if this ends, I'll be alone again for another very long time. I have no self esteem, I'm too socially anxious/awkward, and I know I'm not very good relationship material. I'm so scared. It hurts so much but I wonder if being alone would hurt less, even though it may become permanent. I only stay in this town for her. I have no friends and no one to talk to other than her. I just sit here alone waiting for her, and most days I don't see her anymore, so I do it for nothing. But I have nowhere else to go anyway. I'd have to sell my house and find some place to live on disability, because I got laid off from my only job in the last 13 years, and am too limited on what's I can do because of anxiety, depression, dizziness, etc. If it wasn't for her helping financially when she can, I wouldn't be able to pay my mortgage and other bills. Sometimes I think I should just sell my house and go somewhere else and start over, but I have no place to go. I'll just be alone there too. I have no one. I don't know what to do but ramble about it on the internet, which makes me feel worse. I'm so lost. I can't handle this.

Edited by Shawn81
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I had been without any physical contact whatsoever for longer than I want to admit. No even hugs. I enjoyed it. It made me feel better. I don't think I can handle life without it again. I'm completely isolated. I don't meet people or make friends, much less relationships. I sit at home alone all day and don't hear from anyone. I don't want things to be the way they used to be again. I can't handle it.

Edited by Shawn81
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On 8/4/2017 at 2:27 AM, Shawn81 said:

I had been without any physical contact whatsoever for longer than I want to admit. No even hugs. I enjoyed it. It made me feel better. I don't think I can handle life without it again. I'm completely isolated. I don't meet people or make friends, much less relationships. I sit at home alone all day and don't hear from anyone. I don't want things to be the way they used to be again. I can't handle it.

I"m sorry, shawn81.  :console: 

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  • 8 months later...

Im so sad and I found myself crying alone at a bathrrom cubicle at work coz I couldnt hold it anymore. I still cant move on from an ex 15yrs ago. He came back last december and we met talked hang out and stuff. He told me he is going leave his wife and wants to settle with me he is sorry for leaving me blah blah. And when i told him work it out with his wife fix stuff (my voice was shaking as i gave him advice because deep inside this is what i waited for 15 yrs). He got offended and texted me that until then...

Im like oh so its my fault for not jumping into ur boat. What does he expect for me to accept and believe him right away after all the pain he has given me over the years. Now im so sad cause i cant help to think it is my fault again. The 2nd time around and its true it hurts more everytime. I feel stupid for letting him ruin me all over again. Im back to square 1. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hello everyone, I'm new here.

I was just looking for a topic like this to express my feelings right now. I've been reading a lot of the replys to the topic, and I've noticed the diversity of situations that have happened with many of you, I'm taking everyhting in to try and find my own answers and cope with things, but I would like to share my experience and let off some steam on my situation, I'm sorry for the potencial long post in advance :).

I'm a 23 male, and never had any romantic relationship up to a few months ago. My interest started almost as soon as I entered college, I've had crushs in the past, but never as strong as this. I'm a pretty reserved and shy person full of insucurities, and always lived in a somewhat numb state, just going with the flow, which led me to some depressions just before college. My entrance meant to me a new life, I decided to get up and restructure myself, make me better, this was when I met her, a girl that was a lot like me, but at the same time, challenged some aspects of myself. I decided I would try and see if things would work with her, but there was a catch, we started as friends before I actually felt love for her, and when I fell for her, she was after a girl she met on tinder, she was bisexual.

I took the hit, but, even if wrong, I decided not to give up, first because the relation they had was really platonic and unsure, but also because I just couldn't let her escape, I put myself in a lot of pain to try and conquer her love, and as time passed, my love for her grew, but everytime I asked her what she felt for me, I would always get the answer "I don't know", which was awful, because I should have stayed away, but the minimial chance of a not sure becoming a yes was there, and we had an aswome relationship where we would talk about literally everything without fears.

However her relationship with the other girl also grew, and besides their constant arguments and pseudo-breakups, they kept it working somehow, which made me start to give up, until one day, when we were walking around and in the middle of a talk, she told me that she wanted to "try a guy", and I got hooked again, and tried once again to take her from the other girl. And when the other girl knew about this, their relation went downhill. 

after a constant 2 years of fighting trough this weird situation I've put myself into, I finally did it, they had broken up 4 months ago, and I kept there supporting the one I loved, and eventually, she started becoming closer until the day that she told me she loved me, however I felt something wrong with everything besides a lot of joy. We had a great relationship in all levels, and I do really believe to have been affectionate and caring, but well 4 months later, she started to become distant and colder, until the day I decided to confront her, this took about a month, when I talked to her she said she was seeing another girl on the side and that there was nothing wrong with me and the time we had really made her happy, but she was physically more attracted to girls and that was the single reason... I took it like a bullet to the heart, but I had to know if she always though like that, since she had been dating the other girl, and she said yes, since dating the other girl that she as felt like that.

I felt 2 years of fighting going to waste, I felt used and I broke like I had never broken down before... I got depressed, my grades started declining and I just felt really lonely, even thou I had some great friends supporting me, worst than that I started to feel jealously and anger for her, because she had someone else to love, her grades kept great and she was happy overall, I felt the world beeing so unfair, why was it only affecting me, why isn't she also suffering, why was she the one getting the better half of the bargain when I was the one who worked so ahrd for everything to work, I know, it is not correct to desire pain to others and I also have some guilt on this, but well... I couldn't help it. this happened 2 weeks ago, it's still recent and still hurts, but I think I'm managing to slowly overcome it

Thanks for reading :D

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Welcome to DF, twoworlds.  :console:  Give yourself time to work through your grief.  Don't let yourself fall for the trap of assuming you know what others are thinking or feeling.  People have different ways of hiding their pain. What matters is how you feel and how you work through your own grief and pain. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for your words, I really appreciate it :). It's been a bit since it happened, I managed to become a bit stronger, and I even started talking to another girl which was quite nice, however, a few days ago, the girl I had broken up with me, came crying saying that she didn't want to lose me and that seeing me talking to the other girl was hard for her and I asked if she wanted me, to which she replied yes, but then the next day, she broke up with me and told me that she needed to find herself because she didn't want to hurt anyone else anymore... 

I feel that I was a bit dumb for falling on the situation again, now we are in somewhat bad terms and barely speak. I got so confused with this latest reaction that now I'm in pain again, even thou I was managing to overcome it... 

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1 hour ago, twoWorlds said:

Thank you for your words, I really appreciate it :). It's been a bit since it happened, I managed to become a bit stronger, and I even started talking to another girl which was quite nice, however, a few days ago, the girl I had broken up with me, came crying saying that she didn't want to lose me and that seeing me talking to the other girl was hard for her and I asked if she wanted me, to which she replied yes, but then the next day, she broke up with me and told me that she needed to find herself because she didn't want to hurt anyone else anymore... 

I feel that I was a bit dumb for falling on the situation again, now we are in somewhat bad terms and barely speak. I got so confused with this latest reaction that now I'm in pain again, even thou I was managing to overcome it... 

It sounds like she has trouble letting go, and letting you move on.  Maybe being on 'bad' terms is okay, it sounds like she has a lot to work through.  I'm sorry this has set you back. 

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