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Hayley R

terrified of a future with depression

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i am almost too anxious to write right now, but i have to get this out there. i am so scared of living my whole life with depression. i am petrified and nauseated at the thought of having to live with this horrible illness for the rest of my life. I don't want to go on and off antidepressants for my whole life, i don't want to feel so horribly devoid of purpose and motivation to live every single day! i know there will be good, happy parts... but the bad parts will still be there, and they are bad. i honestly can't really see how it's worth it. i'm scared and i'm so angry, i didn't ask for this!! why did i have to end up with this? i don't want depression. i wish it were not a part of me anymore, but it always will be. i'm so scared. i can't imagine how hard my future is going to be.

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Hi Hayley. I'm sorry that this is causing you so much anxiety. I know the feeling. I never wanted to believe or accept that I have a mental illness. But in the end, I only ended up hurting myself.

I think that, occasionally, depression forums might have a sort of negative affect on people. Maybe you've been reading other peoples' stories and seen that many of us have been struggling for a long time. Maybe that led you to think about your situation and project into the future.

There's a healthy way of looking at this. Accepting mental illness doesn't equal defeat. It doesn't mean you're giving up. It's a real illness and you have to learn to live with it and manage it. Yes, it sucks, but it doesn't mean you're damned to decades of suffering. You can still have a meaningful life.

Look, people do get better and stay better. You don't hear from a lot of them on a site like this because they're doing just fine and don't need any extra support. For example, when I got better from my first major episode, I stopped posting on depression forums for years because I wasn't depressed anymore and I just moved on with my life. 

Just don't compare yourself to anybody else. Try to manage your depression for today (and into the near future - months, not years). I know it's easier said than done but you can't dwell too much on the "what if's". It will cripple you.

Educate yourself, be proactive and maybe you'll find you can tame this beast. Don't be alarmed by some of our stories. People who post on sites like this are (statistically) probably the worst of the worst in terms of severity of depression, so maybe you're looking at worst case scenarios for yourself.

Edited by standup

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I understand what you're feeling, because I often feel the same way. in my situation I can't even afford medication or therapy, so I'm basically stuck. I hate my lack of motivation and ambition, it's hard for me to feel other emotions besides sadness, and the worst part is that I'm doing this to myself, but it's been so long I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm completely non-functional at this point. The best you can do is try not to let the disorder take over your life.

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I'm so sorry. I've been right where you are. I can't add anything to what standup said. Sage advice.

Don't give up on yourself. It is possible to get out of depression and feel good for "normal" amounts of time. I was depressed for 40 years because I didn't accept it and get help. In under a year on meds and therapy I felt better. And now I'm essentially operating "normally" day to day. And I'm not on meds anymore. 

Don't despair.  Even if you can't afford therapy or meds, you can seek help from support groups and there are some very good self help books. And the support I got on DF was (continues to be) fantastic. There are wonderful people here.

Peace

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Thanks for being willing to share with us. I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. If you think it might help to talk to someone, I encourage you to call 1- 855-382-5433, and you can have a conversation with a licensed therapist. Maybe they could offer some helpful suggestions. Focus on the Family is an organization that offers this FREE phone consultation. Just make sure you call between 6a-8p Mountain Standard Time. And if no one answers, leave a message so someone can call you back.  Hang in there! You can do this! Just focus on taking one day at a time. If you are comfortable telling the counselor where you are located, he/she might be able to recommend a support group in your area. Also, here's another website that might help: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm

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On 7/3/2016 at 6:48 PM, Turnt said:

I understand what you're feeling, because I often feel the same way. in my situation I can't even afford medication or therapy, so I'm basically stuck. I hate my lack of motivation and ambition, it's hard for me to feel other emotions besides sadness, and the worst part is that I'm doing this to myself, but it's been so long I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm completely non-functional at this point. The best you can do is try not to let the disorder take over your life.

Ditto for me Turnt. My parents wouldn't bother paying for my sessions so I'm basically stuck. What you have to do Hayley R is to get some help. This is a very supportive forum, so please message me if you need assistance or advice.

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