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I think my life is too much anymore

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My life as a whole is just too much burden to carry anymore. Just the past 21 years have been too much. 

I know its all in the past, but it's impacting my present and future. My life has left me with anxiety and depression and no one can really tolerate it anymore.

For everyone to understand I'd like to explain a little bit. 

When I was really young my mom was a good mom. She worked, went to school, and all that. But she left us at home with her abusive boyfriend. He was abusive in more than one way. By the end of that, I was terrified of men for a long time. Still am for the most part. 

My mother met someone else and he got her hooked on drugs. Bad. She did everything. And on the weekends we'd go to my aunt and uncles to get away. It was like a safe haven. 

After years of emotional abuse from my mother, she finally gave up custody of us and my aunt and uncle adopted us. Except they got hooked on drugs bad too. And in turn became very emotionally or mentally abusive as well. They all never failed to remind my brother and I how selfish and ungrateful and just how hard to love we were. 

My dad was never in the picture, but he got I'm touch with us right before my 17th birthday. We ended up arguing (he had bi-polar disorder) and he told me I was ungrateful and that he gas awful kids. And the last thing I said to him was "I hate you". 

And the following February, he died. 

I finally moved from my aunts house and in with a friend. Her family has been amazing. I met a guy, and we were together awhile. And I got pregnant. He acted more excited than me, but I came around. He picked out names and everything. He was excited. By the end of it, I had so much anxiety from the hormones that we argued a lot. And finally he said he didn't want to be together anymore and suggested an abortion. And that hurt. a lot. Because he acted so happy and excited and I just finally felt comfortable and safe. And I shouldnt have. We didn't talk for awhile. And I was working a lot. 12 hour shifts as a nurse aide in a nursing home. Very strenuous. I would go home and be so depressed that I'd lay in bed and have to remember to breathe. And after one long shift. And having to pick a 250 Ib women off the ground, I went home and started bleeding and cramping. I went to the ER and eventually had to get a D&C. 

They say its safe to tell people that you're expecting after 12 weeks. 

Well I lost Carter at 12 weeks and 6 days. The last day. It was really devastating. And really hurt me. I never hurt so much in my life.

And now I'm with someone new. And my anxiety and depression and fear that I might lose someone else is ruining it. It's really pushing him away. When really I just need him to be there through it all. But he just doesn't know how you handle it and I don't know how to make it easier. 

And it's all just making me more depressed. I just don't want to deal with it anymore...

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Guest dontevenknow

Sadgreeneyes, welcome to the forum, glad you found it.

You've obviously been through a lot and as cliche and corny as it sounds the fact that you've made it through speaks volumes about you. I hope you feel some sort of weight lifted by getting what you have lived through off your chest.

Your mothers abusive boyfriend was and is a piece of garbage but he's not a true model for who men are. Someone out there does and will care about you.

Have you told the person you're with that you've had a rough past and you're still trying to get through it or have you kept quiet about it? Sometimes if we don't let people in just a little to what we're dealing with it can be tough on the other person. I'm not saying you need to tell him what you just told us but letting him know you're struggling with your past but you're getting through it could do wonders for him.

I sincerely wish you the best and will be thinking of you.

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1 hour ago, dontevenknow said:

Sometimes if we don't let people in just a little to what we're dealing with it can be tough on the other person.

This is so true. But also that person must be willing to hear what you have on your mind. 

@sadgreeneyes You have been through a lot in your closest relationships.. and I am so sorry to hear that you lost your baby :console: Unfortunately that 12 week advice is a myth in the sense that pregnancies may have complications. The risk of miscarriage does become a lot less though. Have you had the chance to discuss about the miscarriage with a midwife (where I am there are some midwives that are specialized in this kind of things) or therapist? Losing a child and going through all the hormonal changes in a short period of time are not easy to deal with.

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I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone about it :( I don't have insurance and therapists are expensive. I haven't even talked to my boyfriend about it. He knows, but he never wants to talk about personal things. But he's like my best friend, so I want to, but he's just difficult. . . So I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to. But it was the worst time of my life :( thank you all for input. It feels good to talk it out.

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sadgreeneyes:  I agree with the responses other members have written.  Just want you to know you have come to a safe place where people care.  We all try to help each other.  With that said, welcome to the forums.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I know how incredibly heart breaking losing a child can be, at any stage.

It sounds like you had a rough upbringing, and are understandably deterred. I would tell your boyfriend exactly what you need from him. If he is worth anything to you, he should be happy and willing to help you and hear you out. A relationship should be a partnership and you deserve to be heard, don't think anything else.

If he isn't willing to help you, you can look into Christian counseling. You don't have to be religious, but some churches do offer counseling free of charge. Also, if you are in school at all, there are generally counselors you should be able to speak to free of charge.

I know I am no professional, and I'm not certain about anyone else's credentials on this site, but I am here to chat too, if you ever feel the need or desire. Sometimes just unloading is the relief we need.

But know that you are not a burden, you are worth and worthy of so much. Don't believe the lies of depression.

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