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Venting


CheshireKat

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Hi. I'm just venting. I lowkey want to die right now. I'm not gonna **** myself or anything, I just kind of want to die, you know? You probably do know, considering the fact that this is a depression forum. All year the girl I've been best friends with since preschool has been turning down my offers to hang out, claiming she has too much homework. I didn't really believe her, but I just told myself that I was being paranoid and clingy. About a week ago she ditched me on a concert that we had been planning on going to since March. I had to eat $40 worth of tickets. Today was the last day of school, and now I know that she's finally done with me; she won't even answer my texts. When I ask if she's mad at me she just says "no.", and then continues ignoring me. I tried to talk to her in the hall and she literally turned away from me while I was in the middle of a sentence. I try so hard. I even try not tryin hard and playing cool. I'm not mean, and although I am shy I try to talk to people and be polite. No one likes me. I don't have a single friend. My parents want to send me away for the summer. I don't want to stay at home, but I definitely don't want to go away. I guess I have no choice, they're going to send me away no matter what. I don't want to **** myself, I just want to fade away or melt into the ground. That's all for now. If anyone actually reads this feel free to vent I guess. 

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I'm sorry to hear about your recent falling out with your friend. I would love to say it gets better, but I have to say it usually gets worse with age. People tend to grow in different paths and change in different ways, which can make keeping friends difficult. Especially into adulthood, when there are other responsibilities clouding your time. 

The only thing I can offer is that you should try to find your happiness in yourself, rather than externally. I know it sounds terrible, but no one can or should depend on others for our existence of happiness. Because humans are fallible beings, we are only going to be inevitably let down.

I understand what you mean with wanting to just "not be". Correct me if I am wrong: It isn't death you desire, but rather, the lack of emotional pain. Maybe you desire the lack of effort into the emotional bonds of living life. 

I am sorry I am not more roses and sunshine. I wish I could tell you that things will get better and you will find new friends. Which you very well may, but reality is, that isn't guaranteed. And from my experience, it is usually just a minute fleeting moment of comrodery.

Perhaps this time away for the summer might do you some good. Try not to focus on what you have potentially lost, and refocus on gaining a new self perspective. Best wishes. 

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Losing people we care about hurts. If she wants to go, then let her go. Leave an opportunity for her to contact you, in case she changes her mind (though that is unlikely). Tid322 us right about finding happiness in yourself. The only person who is always there for you, the only person who understands you, the only person who always cares about you... is you. Think about how you felt about her when you were friends and having fun together. Try to feel that way about yourself.

I understanding wanting to stop existing. I often wished I could snap my fingers and poof out of existence, or I could get some disease and ignore it until it ended me. Remember that this will pass. I don't entirely agree with Tid322 about things not becoming better with age. I'm 21, and I've never really had friends, but the people I talk to now are much better than the people I talked to in high school. People do change a lot, though. Don't be afraid of failure, and don't hate yourself for failing. Everyone fails frequently. The best you can do is try to learn from your mistakes.

You are worthy of affection. Keep trying to find someone to care about you. You may not find such a person for years, but you are statistically likely to encounter someone eventually.

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