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wheelman82

Weak is what I am

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I'm 18 years old, I live in the Netherlands, I'm autistic and I have a couple of minor physical disabilities.

I have been depressed for 2 months now, it's my 2nd depression, the 1st started about 4 years ago and ended after about 1.5 years,

I was 4 weeks away from my exams when this depression hit, I was suddenly unable to enjoy gaming and simply talking to my friends. It took a few days before I realized what was going on, but when I did I had a major panic attack that lasted an hour atleast. The following weeks I had many panic attacks, atleast 3 a day. 2 weeks in we were able to get an apointment with the psychiatrist, he prescribed me with risperidone which lowered the amount of attack to about 2-4 a week. But still I was forced to abandon the exams because of the depression.

The situation didn't get any better though as I felt insanely guilty for all the work people did to try and help me. I stopped going to school, stopped following fysio- and occupational therapy, I even stopped talking to my friends because I was afraid they would ask me what was wrong (I do talk to them again now but not as much as I would like to).

I really hate myself, my body and my mind. There is always something wrong with me, always. I'm too much of a coward to even tell my friends I'm depressed. My parents would do for anything for me and I can't do anything they can be proud of. I can't even ride a bicycle, I can't use public transportation, I can't be independent in any way. I'm too weak to even go to the local supermarket. What's the point of having an IQ of 142 if I can't take even a little care of myself?

Suicide regularly crosses my mind, but I always decide against it, because giving up would be the only thing I can do to dissapoint those who love me. But I can't carry on living like this, it's been weeks since my last decent night of sleep and if this depression is any like my previous one it won't end soon...

I really should stop typing for now it's 3:30 am here...

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Hi Wheelman82; I don't have any great words of wisdom this evening, but you will find a lot of supportive people to talk to here.  Have you talked to your psychiatrist about your depression; perhaps he/she can prescribe something to try to address that?

I hope you feel better soon!! Best wishes for your recovery.

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I'm really sorry you're having these feelings. It's not your fault. 

You show courage just talking about your problems here. Please don't discount that. Things can get better even if they feel as though they never will. I know this from my own experience. Things can get better.

If you do feel you may harm yourself, please seek immediate help. Call a hotline or do whatever you need to in order to get help.

From what you said, I would say your parents are probably already proud of you. They may worry for your health and safety. They may hope for your future to be bright. But that's just what parents do. I know I'm proud of all my child's achievements - even if they're not. And I worry about them - all the time. It doesn't really matter much to me what they do -as long as they're happy and they try to be a good person.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, You don't deserve it. Depression and anxiety aren't something we do to ourselves. Feeling guilty about things needlessly hurts us when what we really need is our own love. I know it's hard but please try to see what is easy for us on the outside to see. We see you're deeply troubled, smart and caring. And, like those around you, we want to help you if we can. 

Please continue to talk with your doctor about your feelings. Please realize that none of this is your fault. 

Please check in later to let us know how you're doing.

Peace

 

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Hi Wheelman82.

You are are lot stronger than you think! The good people above had said more or less what I would have.

There's so many levels of competance in the world.. Some people are good doing something, other's at other stuff. You'll find your niche someday.

There is truly no point in comparing oneself to others.

Keep talking with your healthcare providers. And keep us posted!

 

 

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Thank you all for the supportive words.

I have these moments when my self hatred becomes dominant over everything else I feel, last night was one of those moments. I'm aware that I'm too harsh towards myself, it's just after lying awake in bed for hours I just lose control of my thoughts.

14 hours ago, RockoBoy said:

Have you talked to your psychiatrist about your depression; perhaps he/she can prescribe something to try to address that?

Yes I have, but he decided it was best to be careful, as during the previous depression I turned out to be exremely sensetive when it comes to medication. I was prescribed fluoxetine and abilify, the doses were very low for someone of my size (1,98m/8 feet & 7 inches tall and weighing ~100kg or ~200lbs), yet the impact they had was severe, I gained about 40kg in just 3 months time and about 20kg in the following year, my ability to concentrate was severly reduced and my reaction speed plummited. I was only just starting to lose a little weight and regain some of my physical condition when I got depressed again. Granted I did have 2 seperate infections to my right foot between the depressions so I didn't have much time to recover anyway.

I'll probably post some more stuff here later, complaining about things really does help me cope.

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Sorry you are going through this wheelman82. Depression makes us all weak for a time, that's the nature of the condition. Myself I was lucky to not have these issues at your age, in that time I achieved a fully paid scholarship to the top college in my country, was successful with sports, girls and in a social sense. However once I began experiencing depression and panic attacks I was reduced to barely being able to take care of myself, including something that was once as benign as taking showers and cooking meals. Am I by definition a weak person? I don't think so, quite the opposite actually. Did depression and panic attacks eat away at my willpower and make me weak by preoccupying all my energies to fight it? Yeah definitely. 

Is a person fighting the seasonal flu weak? No, they are sick, just like we are with whatever we are fighting here.

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51 minutes ago, axl617 said:

Sorry you are going through this wheelman82. Depression makes us all weak for a time, that's the nature of the condition. Myself I was lucky to not have these issues at your age, in that time I achieved a fully paid scholarship to the top college in my country, was successful with sports, girls and in a social sense. However once I began experiencing depression and panic attacks I was reduced to barely being able to take care of myself, including something that was once as benign as taking showers and cooking meals. Am I by definition a weak person? I don't think so, quite the opposite actually. Did depression and panic attacks eat away at my willpower and make me weak by preoccupying all my energies to fight it? Yeah definitely. 

Is a person fighting the seasonal flu weak? No, they are sick, just like we are with whatever we are fighting here.

Nice post. I think when you're depressed long enough, you start to lose a sense of what is "normal" for you. We almost become "used to" it. The longer depression is with you, the further you drift away. That's when guilt and shame are primed to strike the hardest. You start to feel that your depressed self is your normal self, and then you start to beat yourself up more.

On the other hand, it's amazing to me how I can forget about how bad anxiety/ depression really are. I remember a time long ago when I came out of a severe depression, I told myself to "never forget". Once I started feeling better for a while though, I think I started to forget about certain symptoms and just the general feeling of depression. Then when it all starts to come back it's, "Here we go again. I remember this now - and it really sucks."

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I have been lying awake in bed for the last 4 hours, so I thought I'd just share a little debate I'm having with myself.

First some background:

I have a strong tendency to get addicted to things for a short time, these things can be games, food, series, etc... These "addictions" usually only last for a couple of days and I can prevent them from happening if I try to.

But now, now that I'm depressed again, I'm thinking that letting these short addictions happen might be a good idea. Because while I'm "addicted" I don't feel depressed at all while I'm satisfying the "addiction", but when I'm not the depressed feeling only intensifies. But the short distrations might help me cope better.

So the dilemma: Should I stop repressing my tendencies and just give in? Will those moments be worth it?

And now that I'm typing anyway, I'll share a "discovery" I made about myself.

I've found out one of the things that makes me feel the worst. It's when people say things like: "You're lucky to live in this country" or "You're lucky to be able to walk and go to the bathroom by yourself" (I go to a school for the disabled so I encounter the last one quite a lot). If being "lucky" means being oversensetive to any and all stimuli, meaning I'm unable to enjoy anything that is bright, loud or crowded (walking outside in direct sunlight is already too bright for me); If being "lucky" means that I can't walk down the stairs or over an uneven surface without my complete concentration; If being "lucky" means being depressed; Then I don't want to live in this world, because imagine what would happen if my luck changes and I would be "unlucky".

Sorry, just had to get it out of my system.

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Don't be sorry. I'd be frustrated by that sort of thing, too. It's probably people trying to be sensitive by letting you know that things could be worse. But it ends up feeling like they think your problems aren't worth worrying about. It ends up having the opposite effect. 

Saying that we should feel "lucky" that out problems aren't "bigger" than they are isn't really helpful. The worst thing you have to deal with is the worst thing you have to deal with. It doesn't matter that someone may have it "worse" than you. From your point of view you may have it "worse" than many others. But that doesn't invalidate their problems either.

The "addiction" thing may not be a problem as long as partaking of them doesn't interfere with your life. That is; if you spend more time feeding the "addiction" than living life. But that's something you'd need to discuss with a doctor.

Sorry you're having a rough time. I hope you can start to feel better. 

Peace

 

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So, last wednesday I went to speak with the school "pedagogue" (I've got no idea if this is the correct term or not, just used google translate), it went okay, we decided that I will not return this school year as it is only 2 weeks before the holidays. I'm not looking forward to the holidays as many of my friends will go on vacation for atleast a couple of weeks, so I might not be able to find enough distractions to get through the days without the feeling depression dominating the whole time.

I'm facing a new problem now, this tuesday there will be a small "reunion" of my class from 2 years ago, just an evening in an cheap restaurant. We started this 2 years ago when our class seperated because the school we went to only goes 3 years in to middle school (In the Netherlands there is no seperation between middle and high school, in other words middle school is from 12 to either16, 17 or 18 years old depending on the level of education). It's only 12 people, so it wouldn't be much of a problem under normal circumstances... but, most of the others have probably already done their exams, and them asking me about it is inevitable, and I'm afraid I will have a panic attack when they do.

Only 3 of the 12 know about my depression and I'm not really looking forward to having a panic attack right in front of everybody in a restaurant.

Not going is not really an option for me as one of my best friends is the one organizing it, plus I would never forgive myself for letting my depression ruin even this little part of my life (not like I ever forgive myself for anything though).

On a completely different note, I've been having a numb tingling sensation in my left hand for about 5 days now starting with the little finger followed by the ring finger and now it has spread to the middle finger. The doctor told me it was best to wait and come back next week if it persists and that it's probably nothing to worry about. But me being me, I've been worrying about it a lot, just the tiny chance that it's actually something serious scares me.

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On 6/20/2016 at 9:32 PM, wheelman82 said:
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I'm 18 years old, I live in the Netherlands, I'm autistic and I have a couple of minor physical disabilities.

I have been depressed for 2 months now, it's my 2nd depression, the 1st started about 4 years ago and ended after about 1.5 years,

I was 4 weeks away from my exams when this depression hit, I was suddenly unable to enjoy gaming and simply talking to my friends. It took a few days before I realized what was going on, but when I did I had a major panic attack that lasted an hour atleast. The following weeks I had many panic attacks, atleast 3 a day. 2 weeks in we were able to get an apointment with the psychiatrist, he prescribed me with risperidone which lowered the amount of attack to about 2-4 a week. But still I was forced to abandon the exams because of the depression.

The situation didn't get any better though as I felt insanely guilty for all the work people did to try and help me. I stopped going to school, stopped following fysio- and occupational therapy, I even stopped talking to my friends because I was afraid they would ask me what was wrong (I do talk to them again now but not as much as I would like to).

I really hate myself, my body and my mind. There is always something wrong with me, always. I'm too much of a coward to even tell my friends I'm depressed. My parents would do for anything for me and I can't do anything they can be proud of. I can't even ride a bicycle, I can't use public transportation, I can't be independent in any way. I'm too weak to even go to the local supermarket. What's the point of having an IQ of 142 if I can't take even a little care of myself?

Suicide regularly crosses my mind, but I always decide against it, because giving up would be the only thing I can do to dissapoint those who love me. But I can't carry on living like this, it's been weeks since my last decent night of sleep and if this depression is any like my previous one it won't end soon...

I really should stop typing for now it's 3:30 am here...

Wow, you sound a lot like me. We're the same age and share the same thoughts and feelings.

I haven't tested my IQ, but my parents always considered me to be the brains of the family. I taught myself to read, so that's a start. I have difficulty getting by, so I force myself to do things.

Don't worry about typing too long. We'll all read it, regardless. You are an amazing person and I hope you enjoy your stay here.

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I feel like I have to do a little more explaining about my original post.

The reason I used the term weak is because of my family, my family is very much sports focused, one of my sisters even plays for a national waterpolo team and just missed going to the olympics, and I just am not into sports at all, I do have good reasons with my physical handicaps. But it's just such a strong difference with me and my family. Everyone that knows my sister is in the national team always just assumes I'm also into the sport, but to be honest I don't really care about it. It just makes me feel that I'm a dissapointment to everyone around me because of my weakness. (I know I'm not but I can't stop the feeling)

To be completely honest I'm not even proud of my sister, or atleast I don't really feel proud. I don't judge people on how they preform, I only judge people based on their intentions and how far you are willing to go to achieve either selfish or selfless goals.

I don't believe that being good at sports or being intelligent makes you a good person, I don't believe being weak is bad and being strong is good. Being weak isn't a choice, neither is being strong.

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