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Living with Abusive Parents


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Hi, guys.

I just...really need some advice on how to get me through my last summer of living in an abusive household. I am moving out of the family home on the 12th September, to go to the other end of the country to study Zoology and therefore escape. (I'll have to come back for Christmas or Holidays, but I'll deal with that when I get to it.)

I know that I haven't got too much more to go, but my parents are...abusive. It's mainly mental abuse, but they've now gone into verbal abuse to - saying about my weight (how I'm too fat); then if I don't want to eat they'll accuse me of having an eating disorder and force me to eat a burger or something...and theeeen they'll complain about how I'm too fat. My new medicine (Mirtazapine) really makes the weight stay as a main side effect. I've always been pretty skinny as a kid, but now...yeah. I'm slightly overweight but nothing too major. Trying to loose it to shut them up.

They also enjoy encouraging my brother and other family members to tease me about my weight and my interest. For my age (19), I'm interested in other things than girls my age would be. Instead of drinking, relationships and being social, I'm pretty quiet, sticking to my room and video games, as well as a huge animal and anime lover. I stick to myself as most of my friends have abandoned or left me due to my SAD and GAD, as well as chronic depression - I don't want to put myself through the pain of loosing friends when they suddenly ignore and leave me. The hope is through counselling at University and being away from the abusive household, I'll start my recovery and hopefully get a little better in the social department - but I'm definitely not going clubbing, haha! I'd rather find a gaming buddy or join a gaming or anime society when I get to Uni and finding a gaming and Netflix companion! Moving up to Manchester means being closer to my best friend, and she's super excited about me being closer - we don't see each other very often and she can't wait to be able to meet! She says that I'll get sick of her, but I know that won't happen. She's more than a best friend, she's like a sister to me. Love her to bits.

I just...I just wondered if any of you have any tips about coping while living here. The verbal abuse is daily. And mentally- they'll love my brother but instantly dismiss me if I try and talk to them or organize anything. Despite me age, they want to know what I'm doing at all times and I never have any privacy, as they'll storm in my room with a list of demands and I;m not allowed to eat; go to my job or do coursework until I've done them. I have small little ways of coping so far, which include writing in a journal (need to hide it real well!) and trying to keep my mind occupied, but there's only so much I can do. I have a countdown app too, but it really depresses me to see how long I've got left to go.

I would move out and stay with my Grandparents until I go to university - but that will tear the whole family apart, and I don't want to be held responsible for it. My Grandma goes into surgery to have her hands rebuilt on Monday and she doesn't need anymore stresses right now.

I'm just...I'm so alone.

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I'm really sorry you're dealing with that situation. Family should be your support structure and they're failing you. They're risking a future relationship with you if they push you too far away. My family teases me a lot and it can sometimes be hurtful. But I've learned that they're not intending to be mean. They think they're laughing with me not at me. For a long time I had a really hard time understanding that. Also, they didn't know that their comments were hurting me - until I told them.

Have you told them that their comments and behavior are hurting you? If they knew that you needed more support and that their teasing is really not helping they might ease up. I know that might be really difficult to do, though. Maybe your plan of getting some distance and help while at university will help you. It seems like a very insightful plan.

As far as dealing with this until September goes, you can try to limit your exposure to it by doing outside activities. Even if it's things you do on your own, just being in a "safe" environment may help you cope. If you do things with other people it may help make you feel better, too. Who cares if it's not clubbing? I've never been clubbing in my life. I didn't even dance at my wedding! It's not who I am. If you're not interested in that stuff, there's no need to try to force yourself into it.

You might also consider just telling them how much a comment hurts. It might make them sit up and think. For example, if they tease you about eating too much you might say, "when you say that I feel like you want to hurt my feelings. Do you want to hurt my feelings?" If they brush that off, you could say, "I'm serious. These things really hurt me. It's why I'm moving away." If they care about you, they may try to understand and might even change their behavior towards you.

But it's a big risk and I know it's really hard to do - especially when depressed. And, of course, you would need to feel somewhat safe in your environment to be able to speak up for yourself.

It's a rough situation. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

Peace

 

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4 hours ago, standup said:

I know this sounds like a stupid question, but do they realize how negatively they affect you, or do they think it's just all a big joke?

 

3 hours ago, Starsea said:

I'm really sorry you're dealing with that situation. Family should be your support structure and they're failing you. They're risking a future relationship with you if they push you too far away. My family teases me a lot and it can sometimes be hurtful. But I've learned that they're not intending to be mean. They think they're laughing with me not at me. For a long time I had a really hard time understanding that. Also, they didn't know that their comments were hurting me - until I told them.

Have you told them that their comments and behavior are hurting you? If they knew that you needed more support and that their teasing is really not helping they might ease up. I know that might be really difficult to do, though. Maybe your plan of getting some distance and help while at university will help you. It seems like a very insightful plan.

As far as dealing with this until September goes, you can try to limit your exposure to it by doing outside activities. Even if it's things you do on your own, just being in a "safe" environment may help you cope. If you do things with other people it may help make you feel better, too. Who cares if it's not clubbing? I've never been clubbing in my life. I didn't even dance at my wedding! It's not who I am. If you're not interested in that stuff, there's no need to try to force yourself into it.

You might also consider just telling them how much a comment hurts. It might make them sit up and think. For example, if they tease you about eating too much you might say, "when you say that I feel like you want to hurt my feelings. Do you want to hurt my feelings?" If they brush that off, you could say, "I'm serious. These things really hurt me. It's why I'm moving away." If they care about you, they may try to understand and might even change their behavior towards you.

But it's a big risk and I know it's really hard to do - especially when depressed. And, of course, you would need to feel somewhat safe in your environment to be able to speak up for yourself.

It's a rough situation. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

Peace

 

Unfortunately, every time that I try and say how negatively that it affects me, they instantly go "don't be so stupid!" Or "Shut up! You're too sensitive!" So sadly, they won't take anything I think seriously. 

I think spending a lot of time outside or in work might work...I don't know.

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Unfortunately, despite everything I've tried, they're refusing to let me see a therapist. Instead, I need a "life coach" to knock some sense into me and get me out of the house, according to them. They don't believe I suffer from the anxiety disorders or the depression and think that I'm selfish for being depressed. Which is absolutely hysterical as the pair of them are on medication for anxiety and depression of their own! Mum is on medication to stop her being as violent and aggressive. 

I don't know if they care - I bet deep down they will. But... they make fun of me, a lot, in almost every conversation. It's not gentle, either. Usually it's about my weight but other times it's about my interests. They will laugh at how excited I get and tell me to stop being so stupid - but these things bring the only ray of light into my life.

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It seems they don't want to accept that you're facing real issues. Perhaps they're embarrassed to think someone in the family has a "mental illness." It's common. It's also common for people who don't understand depression - those who've never experienced it - to discount it as your being too sensitive.  

I'm so sorry. Family support is really helpful. But if you can't get it from them, you can get it from close friends. Of course we're here for you as well. But local support from someone you can trust is so important. It seems as though you'll have an opportunity when you move closer to your friend. And the university will probably have some counseling as well. 

((((((( hugs )))))))

Peace

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Whilst my family is not abusive as such, more controlling and uptight, I understand where you are coming from, my best advice is to put everything they say to one side and say to yourself that you know that what they are saying is wrong, you know that you are in reasonable shape and are willing to work on it and that your hobbies aren't stupid (I share all the same hobbies as you too ^-^). You are you and nothing they can say will make you change.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can cope with them just a little longer. (P.S if you are looking for someone to play games with or just chat, feel free to message me ^-^)

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Thanks; guys. I'm just...completely worn down. I feel burnt out and I just don't know how I'm going to cope in the summer, I really don't. I'm going to have to work like every day just to escape them, haha.

i just wish they'd try and understand. Instead they just use it against me and make me look like the bad guy.

I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Fingers crossed I'll finish college tomorrow and then catch up on my sleeping schedule. 

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I've lived with family members like these. I was the "weird one" "too sensitive" and it felt like I was the living embodiment of all of their problems. My parents were narcissistic, emotional abusive alcoholics who have since passed away. My siblings are no better. 

 

Their problem- is dysfunction. They believe they are "hiding" it better than you are, and because you stay at home mostly, you are a target.

 

dont be a target.

 

you are doing the right thing by not self medicating with drugs or alcohol. I give you a lot of respect and credit for that.

 

what sort of helped for me back then was to go out and stay out. I worked two jobs and went home strictly for sleep. Their focus on outward appearances is their way of pushing you to their type of "normal". Your weight, etc. 

 

if you journal, you can come up with answers to their needless harassment.

"You are too fat." Response- Mitazapine does cause some weight gain. You know this. But I am not worried, so you shouldn't be."

"Why don't you go out?" "I am not interested in drink and drugs at the moment, and the friends I have aren't either. You know alcohol abuse is the leading cause of death in the UK?"

"Why don't you XYZ" " It appears you are very concerned about me, but it feels intrusive. I am going to uni soon and working now. I think I will be just fine"

or deflect. "Why are you-" "How are you doing dad? You seem tired. Everything ok?"

so:

staying busy away from the house

writing down responses to their badgering

abstaining from drink and drugs

and lastly, prepare for uni. Class schedules. Packing. Dorm situation. Know everything before you go.

lastly remember there may be some jealousy. You are leaving. Moving. Studying a major that's extremely interesting. You are proving that situations can and do change, and they are afraid to change. Keeping you down and stuck like they feel makes them less panicked and afraid. Possibly.

you got this, we are rooting for you.

 

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