Jump to content

The Single Mindset


Recommended Posts

I've been struggling with the same thing. To the extent I avoid Facebook and cringe whenever a couple is nearby. I tell myself that f I get a relationship, it'll be nice and all, but not having one is not a big deal, unlike what society tells us. I don't think I need someone else in my life in order to be happy. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As humans, we desire companionship. However, society creates a fairytale of love that makes romance seem like something it is not. There is nothing wrong with being single. If you truly want a companion, you must be prepared for a lot of pain as you fail repeatedly to find that special someone. So long as you leave yourself available, you never know what events might lead you to companionship. You must give people a medium to access you. Perhaps that would be a dating website or a daily visit to a library, but there must be some consistent avenue of contact.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is just my opinion/experience... so take it with a grain of salt.  

I used to worry incessantly about finding my "soul mate".  The obsessive thought of being alone consumed my youth.  I didn't develop much character, integrity, wisdom,  most especially self-esteem... the most important tool to get places.  What ended up happening to me, was that I kept finding myself in bad relationships, left-right and center.  

This isn't a horror story or anything I'm bitter about.  I've learned a great deal, so if I can encourage others to focus on more important matters like education and career, you will likely find a more suitable match.  Truly, the grass isn't greener... though it may seem like it.  You would be better off getting your own life established first.

Edited by BlueWeepingWillow
Fine-tuning
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Having been in a relationship for 20 years marriage and a kid...I have to say it's not fun and games. Hermitic mentioned romance being painted in an incorrect light...it's the same with "the right one" marriage or not once you get past the romance stage. So maybe I haven't ever found the right one. Could be true. But now I'm opening up another door to a completely different storm.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, TwentyTwo said:

How do I stop believing that I'll be alone for the rest of my life? 

I used to be 110% convinced I would be, and now I'm not.

 I have major depressive disorder and have had various obstacles and things working against me for the majority of my life. 9.5 years ago, I fell in love with whom was my 1st girlfriend. This relationship was the first thing that gave me a break from the constant depressive pain that I was in. Then one day when I was sure everything was going fairy tale perfect, she left me and didn't even want to talk to me, just suddenly. I could not handle that, and I tried to ki*l myself and was in the hospital for a week. I tried again a couple months later, and almost a 3rd time. I was 110% convinced that I'd never be as happy a I was, and would be alone for ever. This put me into as deep of a depression as possible in combination with everything else. It was a tough 1st year, but I moved away, started doing stuff even though I didn't want to, and my mind eventually filled with new things that got my mind off her. As more time passed I got better and every couple months or so I could see that I was better than I was a couple months prior to that. I eventually got over her, got focused on myself, and was starting to live a normal life again. One day while working in the stock room in a department store, one of the girls from the shoe department asked me what my name was. I told her, she said it back wrong, I got grumpy and corrected her, and that was that. But the next time I saw her she asked if I wanted to take my break with her and get ice cream. This is when it hit me. I didn't really think far forward about it, but I just knew I had to do what ever it took to get on break at the same time as her so we could do this. It didn't work out though, I had too much stuff to do to get on break, and I think I embarrassed her by my efforts to shove work aside/postpone stuff to try and make this break so badly. Despite that though, she agreed to try again the next day. I made it the next day! Things started off slowly, but I spent a few breaks with her, we figured out we lived close to each other, then had lunch together one day outside of work, and then made more of a date like plan. Now it's almost 8 years later and she is my wonderful, amazing wife! I love her with all my heart, and despite what we call "silliness(our fighting)" we are as happy as can be together. 

To summarize, I went through a very painful year thinking I would be alone for ever and not as happy as I once was. Eventually I changed my life around to be focused on myself, having no regard for the whole relationship thing. Then it just happened when I least expected it.

Try to focus on you and doing positive stuff or just something different from your usual ___ to get your mind off it. Distract yourself, go for a jog, play a game, or something like that every time you catch yourself worrying about it too much. That'll be productive and slowly change the circuitry in your mind regarding it. Then eventually one day when the whole idea of "being alone" doesn't hurt nearly as much as it does now if at all, it'll just happen.

The harder you try the harder it is. You can't force a relationship, just focus on yourself and they'll come naturally if you do positive things with your time and push yourself to do new stuff even if you don't want to.

Good luck, I do totally understand how you feel and how hard it is looking forward, but it isn't over. You wont be alone for ever!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with George1, and I provide this anecdote as support.

My only attempt at a relationship failed, but I reached it in an unexpected and circuitous method as George1 mentioned. Valve released Portal for free one weekend, so I downloaded it and completed it. I liked the song at the end of the game, and I looked for other songs by that musician. One day in school I was singing "The Presidents" to myself, and a girl challenged me to a competition to name the most presidents. Thereafter we did a class project together and I forgot she existed for six months, after which she sent me a text message that began a conversation leading to my failed attempt.

Maybe someday you'll bump into that special someone. If not, that's ok. There are many perks to being single. Enjoy them and live a satisfying life alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish I could know the answer for that since I suffer from same thoughts sometimes as well... In the end, we can't really know the future. You could suddenly meet the love of your in any moment really, like in the street lights tomorrow or in a library after 2 weeks or in anywhere in any time to be honest. We don't know, I wish we could though but not owning a crystal ball, heh. But we can try to do something about it even if it's something small, like getting outside of the house, meeting new people or at least go to places where it could be possible to meet someone. It can also be anything! World is full of public places. It's then different story though, to start talking with someone, it's not easy and I haven't tried that so I can't give any advises when it comes to talking to strangers.

I hope you're able to find someone, someday! Good luck~

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah i feel like I will always be alone to, it seems like a foreign concept for me to be in a relationship, I have become entirely self focused since I was a teenager(lol you would think it would be the other way around). I only talk to people on here who are most of  which are very kind, It takes alot of pressure off me because now. I don,t expect there to be a love of my life I know I never want kids, I use to want to be married but now im not even sure anymore. im use to being in control of my schedule going where every I want when ever I want talking to people with no obligations. I feel like I can,t date now anyway I have zero dollars and mounds of debt I have people telling me it doesn,t matter and there are people with no money in a relationship but I don,t know how that would work out with out having anything to do to bond over. While I was in college I was eating rice everyday lol. I don,t have any crazy social life either so i don,t really have much to offer. I did date this girl before I started my last semester of college but I was using credit cards to pay for everything. I lied that I had a bunch of money saved but I wanted her to dump me so she wouldn,t find out. After that I said no more dating till I get my together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Nisemono I know what you mean. Someone told me that she walked in on her parents hugging and asked "don't you hate it when that happens?" I thought she was joking. I could not believe that parents could ever show affection for each other, as mine never did.

I think I should let people into my life. I've never met anyone who wants to try, so that opportunity is obviously rare. Maybe I'll be hurt or abused, but I can leave a relationship if I must. If I never give anone an opportunity to love me, I'll certainly stay unloved. I suppose we must be picky about who we date, so we don't find ourselves in nasty relationships.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 6/19/2016 at 7:05 AM, TwentyTwo said:

I don't think the single life has a lot of perks. But I appreciate the comments. Everyone has interesting thoughts here.

I'm not trying to say being single is better than being in a good relationship. I'm just trying to say that even though being single is worse, it is still possible to feel better than you are now. Improvement is possible. Better than you are now = good and all you can ask for. Yes finding somebody is going to be the quick fix and magically solve all your problems in regards to this. But it doesn't mean that until then you have to be at absolute rock bottom with 0 possibility of ever being able to feel anything but absolute lonliness. I'll quote myself

" It was a tough 1st year, but I moved away, started doing [new] stuff [to fill my mind, rather than being focused on her 100% of the time] even though I didn't want to, and my mind eventually filled with new things that got my mind off her. As more time passed I got better and every couple months or so I could see that I was better than I was a couple months prior to that. I eventually got over her, got focused on myself, and was starting to live a normal life again"

I get you feel "[the single life doesn't have any perks]" but this isn't a dating site. I suppose it's possible, but you're not likely going to find your soul mate here. But instead you will find ways to make yourself feel better in the meantime until you do.

I totally understand how you feel, and 110% know how it's impossible to see otherwise. But please re-read my original reply. I was there too. It's really hard at first, but there are ways to feel even a bit better. It's gradual which sucks, but it is cumulative so the more you stick with it the better. 

I remember when I was in your position somebody told me " I have to learn to like myself before I can expect some else new to like me." I know that isn't literally 100% the case 100% of the time, but it is a good, vague, general rule of thumb.

I wish you luck and I really hope it gets easier for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi TwentyTwo, I know how you feel. I've been single most of my life. And I'm a single mom with two sons and any time I've tried a relationship, it always fails. I've gone years and years and years in btwn relationships, just raising my sons. I find that men don't really want a true relationship, they are afraid of this. I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I have a great job also, I'm a nurse and I work at an excellent hospital in the icu. I have a couple of friends but everyone is married and they like to associate with other married couples to be honest. I believe that what George1 said is true, I like to think that someday maybe I'll find a man that isn't afraid and is capable of falling in love. I really wish the best for you..Loveapples 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...