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Lindsay

AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER (APD)

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Angel:

If your current meds are working, talk to your doc. Don't wait another day. You may be suffering when you don't have to. Tell your doc what is and isn't working, and how you've been feeling lately. Sometimes a dosage change is all it takes.

I took Zoloft about 10 years ago. At 1st it worked great. Then after 6 months or so, it went kaput. Just stopped working for me. My doc switched me over to a couple of meds that left me feeling either manic or like a zombie. The doc ran out of answers.

I found a new doc, who wanted me to try Zoloft again. I did, and experienced the same results. Worked great for 6 months, than nothing. This newer doc switched me over to Effexor. Over time, we added lithium and Wellbutrin. I do take other meds, but it's these 3 that have been Rxd for my anxiety and depression (I'm schizoaffective). I've been taking my current "cocktail" for 8 years now, with excellent results.

Why are you considering switching therapists? I've had many over the years, and must say that if you're not completely comfortable with your therapist, it's time to move on. Only a good relationship will allow for easy communication.

Please keep me posted on everything.

:shocked:

-Bean

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I'm just really nervous about approaching the doctor about medication. The whole encounter seems so awkward to me. And I kind of don't want to be on multiple medications . . . it seems like so much.

I've only been seeing the therapist for a little over two months. I keep thinking that I need to give him more time. Besides, I'm never comfortable with anyone. Even with "best friends" I feel uncomfortable, nervous, and awkward. So I'm not sure that having a therapist with whom I'm comfortable is possible.

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I'm just really nervous about approaching the doctor about medication. The whole encounter seems so awkward to me. And I kind of don't want to be on multiple medications . . . it seems like so much.

I've only been seeing the therapist for a little over two months. I keep thinking that I need to give him more time. Besides, I'm never comfortable with anyone. Even with "best friends" I feel uncomfortable, nervous, and awkward. So I'm not sure that having a therapist with whom I'm comfortable is possible.

(((((Angel)))))

It's a difficult thing - becoming comfortable talking to others. I had a very hard time with it. At first, I had to force myself to be honest and open with my docs, esp my therapist. But I realized that I had no choice but to tackle the subject. If I wanted to get better, I had to start talking. Over time, it became easier and easier. Now I can freely discuss my illnesses, meds, etc with just about anyone.

It takes time to reach a certain comfort level. Sometimes it's easiest to write a letter. Hand your doc the note and the beginning of your session, letting it open the door for further discussion.

You really should talk to about meds. Some people (me) need meds as much as therapy. It's hard, I know. Just keep trying. It gets easier.

Remember, Angel, DF is here to support you as you trudge through these hard times.

:shocked:

-Bean

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It's a difficult thing - becoming comfortable talking to others. I had a very hard time with it. At first, I had to force myself to be honest and open with my docs, esp my therapist. But I realized that I had no choice but to tackle the subject. If I wanted to get better, I had to start talking. Over time, it became easier and easier. Now I can freely discuss my illnesses, meds, etc with just about anyone.

Holy cow, if this isn't me. I can't tell you how many times I've been to my family doctor and afraid to tell her anything. And I've definately done the list thing. But I just keep it with me and just read off what I wrote.

But the weird thing is, I thought I'd have a tough time opening up to my therapist but when I had my first appointment, I kept telling myself that I had to open up to her or I'd be paying for nothing. When I got there, I had no problem. But then again one of the first things I told her was that I do have a hard time opening up to people I just met. And even after just two appointments, I am starting to actually look her in the eyes when I talk to her instead of looking around the room. I guess that means that I do feel comfortable enough around her to tell her things I wouldn't tell anybody else. It's just odd with her because it usually takes me a long, long time to open up and just "chat" with someone let alone telling them personal things.

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Hi Karlarenee,

I think it's great that you've had an easy time trusting and bonding with your therapist. It's so important that we feel 100% comfortable with our docs. I had a real hard time finding the right therapist. I went through 5 or 6 before I found the doc I see know. Even when I did find the right doc, I had a horrible time opening up to him. I was afraid that my therapist would think I was crazy and in need of therapy! :shocked: Ah, the things that trigger anxiety attacks. lol

I hope that you continue to have success in therapy.

:wwww:

~Bean

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This is definitely me. I thought i just had depression. I now understand much more fully whats going on in my little brain. Hopefully this will be my first step to recovery.

Hello nmalready,

I, too, hope that this is your first step. The road to recovery is a long and winding one, but you needn't take giant leaps to reach the finish line. The smallest steps will get you there. And it all starts with that very important first step, which you've know taken. :wwww:

I find it easy to be open on honest here at DF because of the anonymity. I hope that this helps you, as well. Just keep talking, nmalready. You've found a place chock full of supportive, caring people who truly understand what you're feeling.

:shocked:

~Bean

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You know what, I'm definitely going to my doctor next week to talk to him about this. Because, I feel like this is a list describing me lol. I am 99.9% sure I have this disorder. I also read on another site that another symptom is often losing yourself in fantasy or something like that. That is something I also do. I have a very vivid imagination and I do get lost in my thoughts all the time, I daydream, I just space out.

I'm 21 years old, but I don't go out. I don't party, I stay at home in my room most of the time. I have a couple of friends, but we hardly ever see each other because I don't hang out with them, I don't even call them. I don't call ANYBODY. (I hate talking on the phone with a passion) I mean, they know if they need anything, they can come to me but we just don't hang out other than that.

Thankfully, my job is taking care of my mother, who has RA, and I live with her so I get to work at home, but I just can't fathom working in a fast food place or a grocery store or the mall or anything because I just get this pain in my stomach and I get all sweaty at the idea of interacting with people, it just terrifies me. My mind races, what if I screw up, what if I say something stupid, what if they confront me, what if they laugh at me, etc. etc.

I'm not good at conversations, I can't start them and I usually get so nervous and my brain goes blank. And when people are talking to me, especially people I don't know, I'm so busy in my mind scanning my surroundings and wondering what they're thinking about me and wondering how to respond, that I end up missing most of what they said, so I look like even more of an *****.

And really, this is taking a physical toll on me. All my life, I've been a big girl, but I'm at my biggest now and I know it's because I sit in my room most of the time, I'm not very active at all, and I eat alot. I know I should exercise, I know better, but the idea of even going out for a walk terrifies me because all I can think is people are staring at me and saying, "Look at the whale walking down the street."

And I don't know if anyone else has this issue, but for me, even being online is a struggle. I have a few internet friends and I'm actually fairly active on twitter, which is a highly active site, you talk to so many people at the same time and so on. And you would think, being online, being anonymous, being whoever you want to be, basically, should take away that fear of interacting and all that. But for me, it doesn't. I still have that fear, just to a lesser degree though.

I can just honestly say that this is beginning to consume me. But I had no idea it was an actual disorder. All my life, I've been told that I was just shy. And it's true, I've always been shy. But I've never been this bad. And the fact that it really started to get bad a couple years back when I was around 19 years old, further proves to me that I have this disorder, because it says the onset occurs during early adulthood.

So, yeah, I definitely want to get some sort of help for this. I don't want to be this way. I want a life, I want to be close to my friends again, I want to be able to go to clubs and parties like a normal girl my age, I want someone special in my life.

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(((((LucyCC)))))

Hello and :shocked: I'm glad you found us!

Lucy, I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, and can totally relate to APD (many symptoms are the same).

I urge you to see a doc. We needn't suffer. Not with so much help available. I understand the fear associated with reaching out for help, but, by posting here, Lucy, you've already made the 1st step. Just sharing your story with us shows that you have the courage and strength to beat this illness. :wwww:

Printing out your post may make it easier to start a dialogue with your doc. I've often handed my doc a pre-written synopsis of my issues. Sometimes I become flustered and cannot say exactly what I'm feeling. Also, having the doc read my thoughts instead of having to speak then aloud eases some of the embarrassment I feel from time to time.

I hear you about the fantasizing. I do it all the time. If not for Risperdal (an anti-psychotic) I'd still be were I was a decade ago, locked away in my house, unable to tell reality from the "reality" of my mind.

I suffered without help from my teens through age 30. It wasn't until I became completely unable to function, and feared my husband would leave me, that I sought help. Things got so bad that I didn't leave my house for 2 solid years, I barely get out of bed, only showered when I was totally gross, and almost never got dressed. Plus, my thoughts were muddled, my mind slipping in and out of reality.

I finally admitted I needed help and saw a psychiatrist. It took a little trial and error, but we finally found the right combo of meds and things got a lot better. Once I began therapy, everything started falling into place. Through meds and therapy together, I have regained my life! It took a few years to get to where I am now, but it was worth every frustrating moment. I have been truly living for over 4 years now! The difference between then and now is unbelievable.

You really need to see a doc. Take baby steps if necessary. You'd be surprised at how far you can go by taking just one small step at a time. Lucy, I can say with 100% honesty, that it really, truly does get better! You have all of DF to lean on when things get hard. :sneaky2: Keep talking, Lucy. We are listening.

:huh:

~Bean

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(((((LucyCC)))))

Hello and :shocked: I'm glad you found us!

Lucy, I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, and can totally relate to APD (many symptoms are the same).

I urge you to see a doc. We needn't suffer. Not with so much help available. I understand the fear associated with reaching out for help, but, by posting here, Lucy, you've already made the 1st step. Just sharing your story with us shows that you have the courage and strength to beat this illness. :wwww:

Printing out your post may make it easier to start a dialogue with your doc. I've often handed my doc a pre-written synopsis of my issues. Sometimes I become flustered and cannot say exactly what I'm feeling. Also, having the doc read my thoughts instead of having to speak then aloud eases some of the embarrassment I feel from time to time.

I hear you about the fantasizing. I do it all the time. If not for Risperdal (an anti-psychotic) I'd still be were I was a decade ago, locked away in my house, unable to tell reality from the "reality" of my mind.

I suffered without help from my teens through age 30. It wasn't until I became completely unable to function, and feared my husband would leave me, that I sought help. Things got so bad that I didn't leave my house for 2 solid years, I barely get out of bed, only showered when I was totally gross, and almost never got dressed. Plus, my thoughts were muddled, my mind slipping in and out of reality.

I finally admitted I needed help and saw a psychiatrist. It took a little trial and error, but we finally found the right combo of meds and things got a lot better. Once I began therapy, everything started falling into place. Through meds and therapy together, I have regained my life! It took a few years to get to where I am now, but it was worth every frustrating moment. I have been truly living for over 4 years now! The difference between then and now is unbelievable.

You really need to see a doc. Take baby steps if necessary. You'd be surprised at how far you can go by taking just one small step at a time. Lucy, I can say with 100% honesty, that it really, truly does get better! You have all of DF to lean on when things get hard. :sneaky2: Keep talking, Lucy. We are listening.

:huh:

~Bean

Thank you so much for your kinds words and sharing your story with me. I am definitely going to my doctor, I'm dreading it but I want help, I really do. Printing out my post is an excellent idea, I think I'll do that.

Getting all that off my chest felt so good, and to have someone understand is even better. I can't talk about this to anyone I know, because I'm just afraid they'll think I'm silly or being dramatic or whatever. The only one I've told about my possibility of having this is my mother, and instead of telling her, I just printed off a description of it and let her read it. But I still haven't told her how it's affecting me, how I truly feel inside, I just don't think she'll understand.

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Hi LucyCC,

I'm sorry you're suffering like you are. Wanting help is the 1st step to getting help. It took me years and years to admit I needed help. Once I navigated that obstacle, I was open to any and all help available. Sometimes the hardest step is that 1st one.

You, Lucy, have already taken a few steps! :sneaky2: Posting here counts as "telling people." You opened up and shared your story with all of us. That's a big deal! Now that you've told countless people here at DF, telling a few more shouldn't be too hard. :shocked:

You mentioned a willingness to see a doc. That's great! Have you made an appt?

Approach your mom slowly, so as not to set off your own anxieties. Ask mom if she read the print-out you gave her. Ask her what she thinks about all of the info. Let her words lead you into a discussion. Whatever you do, Lucy, don't back away from the subject because it could be dicey. You did the hard part - gave mom the printed info - don't let the opportunity your courage has given you slip away.

Please keep us posted, Lucy. And please keep posting. There's so much we can learn about ourselves from one another.

:wwww:

~Bean

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Hi LucyCC,

I'm sorry you're suffering like you are. Wanting help is the 1st step to getting help. It took me years and years to admit I needed help. Once I navigated that obstacle, I was open to any and all help available. Sometimes the hardest step is that 1st one.

You, Lucy, have already taken a few steps! :sneaky2: Posting here counts as "telling people." You opened up and shared your story with all of us. That's a big deal! Now that you've told countless people here at DF, telling a few more shouldn't be too hard. :shocked:

You mentioned a willingness to see a doc. That's great! Have you made an appt?

Approach your mom slowly, so as not to set off your own anxieties. Ask mom if she read the print-out you gave her. Ask her what she thinks about all of the info. Let her words lead you into a discussion. Whatever you do, Lucy, don't back away from the subject because it could be dicey. You did the hard part - gave mom the printed info - don't let the opportunity your courage has given you slip away.

Please keep us posted, Lucy. And please keep posting. There's so much we can learn about ourselves from one another.

:wwww:

~Bean

Thank you so much. I've been talking to my mother slowly about this and she's been listening. I have the feeling that she's not telling me what she really thinks about this but she is listening.

I gathered the courage and went to the doctor today. He was very kind and comforting. He told me he was glad I came and glad that I want help. He thinks it's depression instead of AvPD and prescribed Zoloft. He also wants me to go see a psychiatrist, he says after evaluating this further, it may actually turn out to be AvPD, but he doesn't know for sure since it's not his field. I have to say, I'm a little nervous, I've never taken anti-depressants before and I'm not too familiar with Zoloft.

But overall, I do feel proud of myself for taking a step towards help. Sitting in that waiting room felt like torture for me, and I felt like running out and just going home but I fought the urge.

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I think I have some of the characteristics of AvPD, but I also have a huge lack of motivation and determination to change myself because it just seems so hard. I have children and lately I've been so down and hard on myself that I can't hardly stand it. They've gone to live with their Dad because he's stable and nurturing, and I've been unable to be that to myself... much less to my kids. I feel enormous guilt for this, but the horrible soundtrack that runs through my head doesn't quit very much. I just can't seem to have fun and relate with people long term. I just turn off and don't call back or go out. Sometimes when I do go to a social situation I feel so uncomfortable it's like an anxiety attack or something and then I'm like "what the hell is wrong with me". It makes me mad because I just want to be a good mom, have a job and normal relationships but I just seem unable to. I'm not always this dejected and bad, but it's been a constant problem my whole life and it's always troubled me.

Several docs have diagnosed me with bipolar, but I don't know honestly. I've been on the meds (Lamictal, Zoloft and Clonopin) for like 3 weeks now and my mood is a little better, but I can't imagine living like this for however many more years I will be on this earth. I'm in therapy and hopeful about it, but the way that I am has made it difficult for me to complete things like school and keep jobs so I'm unemployed and living with my mom. I'm lucky to have her but in a way, she almost enables me to not accept responsibility for my life I think. It's so hard to be hopeful because I'm 33 years old. How do you teach an old, stubborn, lazy dog new tricks :)?

Anyway, I'm new to this site and say what's up to you all!

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Heather,

I'm sorry that no one has responded to your post yet. :wwww:

Have you talked to your therapist at all about your theory that you have AvPD? Perhaps he/she or a psychiatrist could give you an accurate opinion about things. This issue is sort of murky. Many of these things resemble each other. For instance, when I read the list of AvPD's symptoms, I feel as if I might have it. But I have not been diagnosed with it. Rather, I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, among other things. Many of the things that characterize my social anxiety disorder overlap with AvPD. Many disorders have overlapping symptoms, so it could be hard to get an accurate diagnosis. So I think it would be best to be as explicit with a professional as possible. What matters more than labeling things is identifying your needs and addressing them accordingly.

You're going thorugh a tough time right now. There's no shame in leaning on your mom. Support definitely helps us get better. :shocked:

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Avoidant personalty disorder: CRINGES (4 criteria).

C: Certainty (of being liked required before willing to get involved with others)

R: Rejection (or criticism) preoccupies one's thoughts in social situations

I: Intimate relationships (restraint in intimate relationships due to fear of being samed)

N: New interpersonal relationships (is inhibited in)

G: Gets around occupational activity (involing significant interpersonal contact)

E Embarrassment (potential) prevents new activity or taking personal risks

S: Self viewed as unappealing, inept, or inferior

this is creepy... i identify with all of them :shocked:

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No i haven't, angel. I'd be interested in what they'd say though - because it just *is* me. Like i don't think of it as a "disorder" as such because as long as i can remember, i've been this way?? Its like my personality -- my closest friends know me enough to 'fend' for me when things get rough ie. new environment and someone talks to me, i freeze up and they answer for me...but i feel like they will start to resent me at any time..:(

and, i don't see my closest friends (aka high school best friends) on a daily basis anymore so its becoming apparent that i *don't* go to said social events. and since i don't know the new friends as well as old ones, i do fear rejection all the time. But that's me. Is there something wrong with this "personality" that makes it a "disorder"? hmmm

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No i haven't, angel. I'd be interested in what they'd say though - because it just *is* me. Like i don't think of it as a "disorder" as such because as long as i can remember, i've been this way?? Its like my personality -- my closest friends know me enough to 'fend' for me when things get rough ie. new environment and someone talks to me, i freeze up and they answer for me...but i feel like they will start to resent me at any time..:(

and, i don't see my closest friends (aka high school best friends) on a daily basis anymore so its becoming apparent that i *don't* go to said social events. and since i don't know the new friends as well as old ones, i do fear rejection all the time. But that's me. Is there something wrong with this "personality" that makes it a "disorder"? hmmm

I don't think that the "personality" is automatically a "disorder," Cally. I think it should only be considered a "disorder" if you perceive it as a "disorder" and it upsets you to be that way. I didn't really have any close friends, ever, except a couple of them in college. I do have a couple of people who are good friends now, though. I'd constantly thought that something was wrong with me because I desperately wanted friends but couldn't ever have one who did more than use me for their own purposes. I had one friend in elementary school, but she'd always make me do what she wanted if I objected to her ideas. She'd come up with an excuse for doing that--if we were at her house, we had to do what she wanted because it was her house. If she was at mine, we had to do what she wanted because she was a guest. If I tried to turn this logic around, she wouldn't go along. I started making excuses not to see her. Then, one day while I was in high school, she contacted me and asked if we could hang out. I thought that was nice. But then, when I went to her house, I only stayed for a few hours rather than spending the night. She got a little peeved and started groaning about how she had nothing to do that night. I think that's why she had contacted me. :shocked:

I've talked about this many times on DF; I also had a friend in college with whom I'd always do what she wanted. I was afraid that she'd reject me if I didn't. Then one day I got really upset because I took something she did to mean that she didn't truly value our friendship. I insisted that if she weren't a selfish b**** (I really did say that; I'm ashamed) she would have at least honored my wishes a little bit. I'd known that she was selfish, but I'd put up with it because I thought friendship meant accepting someone for their strengths and their flaws. Well. Apparently a mistake. She's completely cut me off now.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that I seemed distant and therefore inaccessible. (I was discussing my depression and social anxiety with her even though we aren't close. She understands a little bit because her husband has social anxiety.) I feel like this is something that could be associated with APD. I try to overcome being standoffish, but I can't. Thus the reason that I perceive it as problematic. Of course, it could very well just be the social anxiety.

I don't like naming things, anyway. I don't think of myself as "having a disease" because I'm depressed. That makes depression sound trivial to me. There are some things that I like about my personality that could be associated with APD. If I were ever diagnosed with APD, I still wouldn't think of myself as having a "disorder." I don't like to definitively label myself because there are reasons that I don't think I fully belong under the label's umbrella. For me, my diagnoses are just tools. Something I can use to understand myself and deal with things. They don't decisively define me.

So, long answer there. Sorry for that. :wwww:

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oh (((((angel))))) i'm sorry you feel that way. i've had many many problems with people and friends over the years too.

i totally understand that giving in to your friend thing, i've been guilty of that so many times that i have lost count

it is a problem in my life. i have trouble getting close to people because i don't know what they may think. and i don't feel worthy for people to consider a good friend. so i try hard to please so they won't forget me :(

i always wait for people to invite me before i join in something. a good friend once joked and said she needed to issue an invitation to me to get me to do something. but i just don't want to "intrude" into something and find out i'm not supposed to be there/wasn't really invited!!:(

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Thank you, Cally! :shocked:

i always wait for people to invite me before i join in something. a good friend once joked and said she needed to issue an invitation to me to get me to do something. but i just don't want to "intrude" into something and find out i'm not supposed to be there/wasn't really invited!!:(

I do that as well. I tend to think that people don't want to spend time with me. Even when I do sometimes get an invitation to something, I occasionally don't even go because I'm afraid that I was invited out of politeness but my presence is not really desired. At parties, I usually wind up awkwardly standing on the sidelines and unable to go to another spot because I've been blocked in by the crowd. Once in a while, someone will converse with me. Sometimes I do go to an event and have fun, though. I also constantly feel that people are irritated when I'm present.

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Guest bravetwilight

I self-diagnosed myself with APD around 15 years ago. I asked my shrink about it and he said I was more "atypical". In the 1990's atypical was tacked onto diagnoses when their patients didn't have the "typical" depressive symptoms. Atypical depression hallmarks were sensitivity to rejection and criticism, oversleeping and overeating.

Avoidant PD though fits me like a glove more than atypical though. Another therapist of mine did her training with borderline PD and kept trying to fit me into it. She gave me books to read and when I told her I couldn't relate to Borderline like I could Major Depression and APD, she got very quiet. When I tried to make new appointments she said that I needed to find a different therapist. She was the last therapist I have gone to. I haven't had much luck in finding the right one yet.

There is alot of misinformation about APD on the internet though and so I thought I'd warn you guys. I once wrote that I had Avoidant tendencies on a metaphysical website and OMG a poster who always argued with me there went on a search about APD and dug up some really awful information and posted it so everyone could read it. It defined APD as violent behavior, self-destructive, severe anger issues with heavy rejection issues. So then many posters became afraid of me and then the backroom gossip started! It was horrible. The more I tried to explain and define APD the worse it got. The "crazy" word was used and "mentally ill" was used in the same crazy vein of definition. Was my APD triggered.....I can't tell you how bad I got. I got so dejected and hurt by mean-spirited criticism I fell into one of my worst depressions ever. I tried to go back to the website to regain some integrity but when I posted I was told to leave and that I wasn't wanted. A couple of posters thought they could fix me and one night kept vigil with me while I tried to "talk" it out with them. They misunderstood everything I wrote/said and turned it around against me. Then.....they said that I needed to do what they told me to do and I would get better! I started to get really confused and discombobulated in my head and my typing got really bad and I wasn't able to spell my words correctly and I saw that I was so deeply hurt by their criticism that I wasn't able to think anymore so I stopped and left the site. It was horrible but I learned a really big lesson and that was to be very careful about disclosing a personality disorder with people who are "normal" or don't know anything about depression and emotional illness and disorders! I was crucified and worn down so much by their hostile energies pounded me down like a huge hammer on a small tack. A few posters contacted me privately and gave me some support but they wouldn't support me on the main boards so I got slammed right and left just because one poster bought into some misinformation about APD.

I have been very afraid to tell people about my avoidant tendencies and social inadequacies because of what happened on that website. I eventually got banned there because of the ignorance surrounding the stigma of depression but also because I wrote about depression and the website was about pseudo- enlightenment and pseudo-new age philosophies. Today I am better for the experience and yet still leary of these kind of support forums. Anyway, I have been "avoiding" (ha) this thread because of my memories with unknowledgable people. I'm glad I opened it though and was delighted to read most of the posts here. I am not alone and thank you all for writing so candidly about APD and your own feelings about it. I am slowly coming out of my reclusive shell and DF is a part of that. blessings to all here.....

bravetwilight

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Interesting post, bravetwilight. I would've publicly supported you. I'm contrarian like that. :sneaky2: Even though taking those stands, both online and in real life, petrifies me to know end, my "guilt complex," for lack of a better term, kicks in. It sounds like many of those people at that forum are ignorant, prejudiced, and uninformed. That definition, as I'm sure you know, is so totally the opposite of what it means to have APD. I think my avoidant tendencies have sort of made it to where people don't notice me much, so I've never had a problem with discrimination. However, I too don't disclose these sorts of things except to people whom I know I can trust. Throwing around "mentally ill" as a slur just really grinds my gears. :shocked: :wink:

"Normal" people are boring anyways. :wwww:

I can't believe your therapist treated you like that. Obviously, the therapist's job is to listen to the client's feelings and explanations . . . and if she can't do that, then she's not a good therapist. Or else not good when it comes to some issues. Perhaps she felt most comfortable helping people with BPD, so she tried to push you into that corner.

Please don't be afraid to talk here. We all understand.

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Guest bravetwilight

Hey Angel!

Thanks for the support....I wish you had been there when I was trying to explain but even the strongest of people I knew on that website wouldn't go against the "in-group" of posters. There was a lot of ego going on about their New Age enlightened experience...much like born again Christians arguing against anything that they perceive goes against Christ. When they mis-assumed that I was a "mentally ill" (as in crazy) because of all the backroom gossip by one poster who really misunderstood everything I wrote....again...much like how the Tea Party and Sarah Palin are doing with anything Obama and the Democrats say and try to do----those on the boards picked apart everything I wrote and turned it into a negative against me. They felt that writing about depression just wasn't right and that everything written should be about "love and light". Even when I was torn apart I made attempts to inform them that depression is a spiritual journey and how without darkness there can't be light and vice versa. Well.....boy oh boy...did I get slammed for that. I went back to the website many times after I was banned and read posts by the owner, who was idolized by this group, who openly wrote that dark and light must exist in order to create balance and on and on. The concept was praised and highly honored by the group when she wrote about it andso I realized the hypocrisy and ego that was alive and well hiding behind the mask of spiritual enlightenment.

The whole situation is much more complex. As you can see, I write long posts and this was untolerated there. Alot of what I wrote was skimmed over so alot of what I wrote was easily misinterpreted. I take full responsibility for my mishandling of the whole situation though. I could've stepped back many times when I didn't. When I'm attacked I don't retreat or I don't know how to retreat without stabbing along the way. I learned through that intense e-experience alot about people, how limiting e-communication is, and that conforming to the main system and majority is so important while keeping one's integrity in tact....a very hard thing to do for a person in depression! I also come off as a preacher or lecturer on e-forums and lots of people can't tolerate it. They get mad and want me to change instead of just turning the page or channel and ignoring what I write. Oh well.....that was long time ago and we all have to move on, lessons and all right?

About the therapist. Yes, there are some insensitive therapists...at least they appear that way to us who are seeking help with emotional illnesses. I think we forget that they are people too. I've found each one of my counselors and professionals to have different therapeutic styles and she was right. I needed to move on she couldn't help me and didn't feel like she could because I wouldn't accept her diagnosis of me. All other counselors and shrinks, and there were many, all supported my original diagnosis of severe, recurring Major Depression, atypical. She just wasn't trained enough to deal with the more severe form of depression so I can't really blame her or say she was an awful therapist. I just haven't found the right one for me yet. But I definitely know what you are saying and yet I don't think therapists are supposed to make us feel good or make us feel bad. I didn't get this when I first started going to pdocs. I believed that all therapists are supposed to heal us and make us feel good all the time......where's the wrong button? HA.

I cracked up when you wrote that normal people are "boring". Then I thought when did I last meet a normal person? Are there really normal people out there? :shocked::wwww:

again....thank you so much for your supporting words!

bravetwilight

Edited by bravetwilight

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Well those forum people . . . I guess they can't go against the owner or they'd be banned. :shocked: But seriously. Maybe they were close-minded because they didn't feel as if they could handle the "dark" side. They just want to focus on whatever makes them feel good. A limited point of view, one that is one of my pet peeves. People who feel so smug in their own ways that they don't want to listen to anything that contradicts them. Heck, if I were at that forum, I would probably leave it of my own volition.

I agree about the therapist. As I said, I think she was just trying to find a way to label you with something that she knew she could deal with. I could understand her telling you that you need to find another therapist. What I don't like, if I understand this correctly, is that she tried to force you to accept her diagnosis rather than telling you to find someone else in the first place. That idea just disturbs me.

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